Love Beyond Words

by Dani René

  I’m getting ready to go to my graduation, this is it. Off to college and into the real world. You’ve told me so many times how it’s scary out there, but I think it’s exciting. I’ve decided I’m going to major in English Literature. You know me, the bookworm. I have my own private dorm room; my parent’s didn’t want me rooming with a girl who might be a ‘bad influence’. Yes, they actually said that. I just want to get out of here, the house is becoming stifling and the freedom that calls to me has me wondering how quickly I can get out of here and find my own apartment.

  I would send you photos, but that’s against your rules, I still think it would be fun to see you. Don’t you wonder what I look like? I always try to picture you while I read your letters. Do you think it would hurt for us to at least see who we’re talking to?

  I’m not afraid of you, you know. It’s been years and look, I’m still here. What do you think would happen if we were to bump into each other one day? What if we already have and we just don’t know it?

  I imagine a life where I walk into class one day and there you are, perhaps my professor? Imagine that. Would our eyes connect and we’d just know? Or would our hearts and souls recognize each other?

  I was reading a book where something like that happened. Where one day two strangers met and something clicked, that recognition that happens deep in your gut. Imagine the intensity of seeing someone you’ve known most of your life, but never actually seen. Having an innate connection. One that isn’t physical. Like meeting your soul mate. The one person who knows you better than you know yourself.

  So, I guess I’ll bide my time for that moment. The moment you’re in front of me.

  I guess I better put my gown on and go get my diploma.

  Yours,

  Twig x

  Everything about her made me think of Twig. The way she spoke, rambled on about her job. It was sweet, and as much as I wanted to stay and help her find a job, or just spend more time with her, I couldn’t. I need to move on and find my own way. I can’t taint her with my darkness. The old lady in the café said there’s a ranch up ahead and they’re looking for people to help out. I’ll try my luck and hopefully they’ll be willing to give me a chance.

  Nothing like being an ex-con to have people turn you away. The farm gate is open as I walk up to it, stepping through I take a quick glance around. There are stables and horses over to the far right. Perfect. I love horses, I’d be happy mucking about over there.

  “Can I help you?” A raspy voice drags my attention to the left. A tall older man with broad shoulders dressed in his cowboy boots, faded jeans and a horrid looking mustard shirt walks up to me. He looks to be in his fifties with greying hair and thick silver brows. His face is wrinkled and he doesn’t offer a smile.

  “Hi, I’m new in town. Just looking around for any work you need doing. I stopped down at the café and they—”

  He grunts before I can finish my sentence. “Damn Merle, she sends all kinds of people up here.” His bushy eyebrows furrow as he regards me. “You a hard worker?” I nod quickly hoping he isn’t about to chase me back to town.

  “I’m good with horses as well,” I respond with confidence. If there’s one thing I know it’s how to tame a wild horse.

  “We’ll see. Let’s get you settled. I’m Boone Cutter.” He extends his hand and we shake.

  “I’m Heath Barnes,” I respond with a smile. He grunts, and I wonder if that’s what most of our conversations will be like.

  “You got a girl, Barnes?” he questions with a raised eyebrow. Immediately my mind darts back to Callie. To her pretty smile and shiny blue eyes.

  “No. Just me.” He regards me for a second longer, but doesn’t push it, which I’m grateful for. We head into the house and I am assaulted with the smell of warm, oven-baked bread. It’s as if I’ve stepped into a bakery filled with sweet treats.

  “What do we have here?” The soft voice comes from who I can only assume is Boone’s wife. She’s about half my size with greying hair knotted into a bun. She’s dressed in a pair of jeans and the same god awful color shirt as her husband.

  “Mags, this here is Heath. He’s going to be helping out with the horses.” She waves her hand at him dismissively and grips both my arms. Boone obviously knows when he’s no longer needed because he leaves her to fuss over me.

  “Welcome to the Cutter Ranch, Heath. Are you hungry? I’m sure a man like you needs a good breakfast. Let’s get you settled at the table and I’ll dish some leftovers and heat it up for you.” Before I can answer, she sets about rushing around the kitchen. Their home is comfortable. The kitchen is everything you would imagine a country style kitchen to be, including the large wooden table with enough seating to have the whole family for dinner.

  The thought of family burns my gut. My brother left me in that hellhole. I don’t even know where he is right now. All I can think of is how I lost everything. “Enough of getting lost inside your head.” She taps me on the cap and I pull it off, meeting her intense gaze.

  “I’m not really—”

  “I’ve seen men do that and let me tell you something, you’re not going to do it here, young man. If you’re missing family, or a girl, you’ll be too busy in the stables to worry yourself with that. And you’re a fine looking young man, your girl will come along.” She winks and leaves me staring after her.

  Once I’m sitting alone again, I mull over the girl I met on the bus, the prettiest ray of sunshine to come into my life since I felt my heart crumble. When she fell asleep, all I wanted to do was stroke her smooth skin. Her lightly tanned cheeks had a rosy hue as if she was blushing in her sleep.

  Those long dark lashes that fluttered while she dreamed, and I wondered if anyone would ever again dream of me. Mags returns to the living room with a plate piled high and my stomach growls which only causes her to chuckle.

  “Need to put some meat on those bones if you’re going to be working with Boone. He’s a bit of a slave driver, you know.” She winks conspiratorially. I decide then and there that this is my new home. Somewhere I can push off these cowboy boots for a while and try to rebuild my life.

  I tuck into the mashed potatoes and steak pie, moaning in satisfaction at the flavors assaulting my taste buds. Mint, mustard, and something else I can’t quite put my finger on. I devour every morsel and feel like a new man. She trundles back in to find the plate empty and me sitting back with a stomach filled like never before.

  “Thank you, Mags. That was incredible. I haven’t had such good home cooking in a while,” I tell her honestly, and I know she can see right through me.

  “Get used to it. There’s plenty more where that came from. Can I get you a sweet tea?” With a smile, I nod. I haven’t had sweet tea since my mom made it for me as a teenager.

  Just then, the doorbell jingles and as it swings open, I see Boone standing with the sweet little lady from my bus ride. She’s still dressed in her cutoffs, but it must have warmed up outside, because she’s taken the top off and is now dressed in the tightest white tank top I’ve ever seen. Her curves are delicious and her tits even more so.

  “Quit your gawking, boy.” The gruff tone of my new boss drags me from my staring.

  Pushing up, I stroll toward her and offer a smile.

  “Are you following me?” I question her with an amused smile.

  Her eyes are wide with shock, but I can see the mischief dancing in those pretty hazels. “You’d be so lucky,” she responds with a cocky tone. Cute. I like that fire. Yet again I’m reminded of someone else. Twig.

  Twig,

  Congratulations! I’m proud of you, little lady. There’s so much you’re about to learn about the real world, but I have no doubt you’ll kill it out there. Ha. Some prison humor. I don’t make jokes all the time, but when I do, I’m great at them.

  Seriously though, you’ll love college. I know you won’t be swayed by the masses, and that those you choose as friends will most likely be good influences, because you’re a good girl.
That much I know as fact.

  I’ve just managed to get onto a computer in our common room. I’ve even set up an email account. I figured you must be tech savvy, so if you’d like to email, it’s faster and easier. If you give me your email address, I’ll send you one and we can chat that way. I’ve been looking up towns where I want to visit once I’m out. I love small, out of the way places. My family aren’t around anymore, I’ve lost touch with my brother since I’ve been in here, so I’m not in a rush to get home.

  Perhaps I’ll just get a bus to nowhere in particular. Start a new life and reinvent myself. How about that? I’m sure I could be anyone I want, nobody will know who I am, or what I am. I’d love to work on a ranch again. I used to spend time with horses growing up. Before I was arrested, I would give riding lessons. Maybe I should do that again. It’s peaceful in the country, where all you can see around you are the green hills and the only sounds are that of the beautiful steeds.

  I suppose that’s my idea of a perfect life.

  Simple. Quiet. Peaceful.

  Yours,

  Con x

  “Maggie, sweetheart, this is Leah. She’s from out of town and looking for some work as well. It seems the bus dropped off all these strays today.” The tall man, Boone, grumbles, but his wife offers me a smile filled with warmth.

  “Ignore him, he’s just old and grumpy and call me Mags. Let’s get you fed. Is there anything you like doing?” Before I can answer she turns to Heath and shoos him. “Take the suitcases up to the second floor. There are two spare bedrooms, give the girl the one with the balcony, you take the other.” And with that, I am whisked away. “Now, tell me more about your pretty self.” We step into the kitchen and I take in the warmth I feel, and I don’t just mean the temperature, because it’s plenty hot outside. I’m talking about the love that seems to be hanging in the air of this home.

  “Well, I’ve left my old life. I needed to do something for me and I found myself on a bus heading here only a day ago.” She glances at me while she piles a plate with more food than I can stomach.

  “What was his name?” Her question catches me off guard and my mouth drops in shock. “I’ve been around for a lot longer than you can imagine my dear, I’ve seen pain before. Your heart was broken. Someone hurt you,” she states matter-of-factly, and I nod. Nothing gets by her. Obviously.

  “My ex, he became verbally abusive. I wasn’t in love with him and he knew it. I was a piece of eye candy he could drag around to events. My parents didn’t see it. They thought he was a good man.” Shutting the microwave door, she walks toward me and takes my hand in hers. There is sadness in her eyes.

  “I didn’t mean him. I meant the man you love.” Her words hang between us, like the pots and pans that hang from the metal rail attached to the ceiling. My brows furrow in confusion. Man I love? “Your heart lies with someone else. I can see it.”

  That’s when I realize who she’s talking about. A man I’ve never met before. “I can’t love him in the way you think. The man who holds my heart is a stranger. I’ve never met him in person,” I confess because it’s true. I do love Con, even though I’ve never seen him. I guess love is blind.

  “What do you mean, sweetheart?”

  She pulls me over to the table and we sit facing each other. She looks like she’s about to burst with excitement at hearing my story.

  “When I was fifteen, I wrote to a man in prison. He was only twenty-four at the time and he was innocent, at least I believe he is. We’ve been writing to each other for years. I’ve never laid eyes on him and I’ve never heard his voice. He’s a stranger to me in so many ways, but deep down, he’s ingrained in my heart. I think his name is Connor because he always signs his letters, Con.” A loud clang startles us and we both jump to our feet to find Heath staring at us. The mug he was holding is in fragments on the floor.

  His face is ghostly white and his dark pools of emotion are pinned on me, holding me hostage, scorching me with raw, unbridled emotion. “Heath?” I step toward him and he in turn steps back.

  “Sorry, I…I need air.” And with that he’s out the door, leaving me reeling from the reaction he just had. My body tightens and the tension in the room makes my heart leap into my throat. The last time a man looked at me like that, was Ronan. When he got angry, there was nothing that would stop his tirade. Now, the only difference is that Heath stormed out, whereas Ron would get in my face and tell me just how much of a disappointment I was.

  The words he mocked me with cracked my shell and his poisonous venom seeped into my soul. Since I was twenty-one, he’s had that hold over me and I’ve only just started coming to terms with the fact that he was the problem, not me.

  Mags stalks toward the window. “That man has some ghosts he needs to work through. I just hope he realizes it in time what’s right in front of him. Acting like a damn teenager, storming out of here like that,” she mumbles just loud enough for me to hear. My heart thuds in my chest and I can’t help but wonder what on earth I could have said to upset him so much.

  “Please let me clean that?” I finally come to my senses when I see her grabbing the dustpan and brush.

  “Hush child, let’s get you some food and then you can relax. Tomorrow I’ll need your help with the guests we have coming.” She makes her way back into the kitchen and chucks out the broken mug. Once I have my heaping plate, I sit at the table and shovel food into my mouth. I didn’t realize I was that hungry, but the pie is amazing and the mashed potatoes are incredible.

  When Maggie joins me again, she’s radiating tension and I know it’s because of Heath. My heart squeezes every time I think about what happened. How he could just storm out like that. “Your room is the one in the corner. When you’re finished up, you go on and have a rest. Okay?”

  “Thank you, I appreciate it.” My words are sincere and I feel tears threatening. I never thought I would make it on my own, but now that I’m here and Maggie and Boone have given me a place to stay, I know I’ll be okay.

  My emotions are like a slow burning fire, waiting for the right moment to devour me in their flames. Since I walked out of the apartment, I’ve been on tenterhooks, hoping no one from my past finds me.

  I would give anything for a stiff drink. I’m not normally one for alcohol, but right now, I wouldn’t mind a shot of tequila to calm my nerves. I noticed a bar downtown, so maybe I’ll take a walk down later and grab one.

  I’ve lived for so long in a paper world made up of words and ink, now that it’s gone, I’m not sure how to survive. Without Con, I have so many questions.

  Where is he? Will we ever be able to speak again? Is there a chance I’ll be able to meet him?

  All those will go unanswered. “Mags, I’m thinking of heading to the bar on Friday night. Could I get a key so I don’t wake you and Boone when I get home?” She halts her movements and turns to regard me. A small grin plays on her lips and she nods.

  “I thought you’d never ask. I’ll have Boone drive you down.”

  “Oh, no. It’s no problem. I’ll walk,” I offer, but am met with a stern glare.

  “You’ll do no such thing young lady. He’ll drive you, and Mr. Stick Up My Ass, down there. It seems you two need to break the ice.” She winks and carries on with cleaning. I guess a drink with the hot cowboy won’t be so bad. I mean, surely he’ll be able to enjoy himself. If not, I don’t need a chaperone to look after me. I can do it on my own.

  Con,

  Should I be excited that you know how to use email? Ha. My nerdy humor, not as funny as yours though. I’ve just moved into my dorm room. It’s beautiful and I have a view of the sports field. At least I have my own space. There’s so much of it though, I’m not sure what I’m going to do.

  My mother and I had a fight, it’s something we do constantly. I’ve never been enough for her, never lived up to those expectations that she has. I suppose being the daughter of such well-known, wealthy parents makes sure that your life is a living hell most of the time. I hope that
one day, if I have kids, I won’t be like her. That I’ll support them with their dreams, instead of forcing them to do something they don’t love.

  I always seem to offload on you, I’m sorry. I suppose you’re there and it’s not like you can walk away or ignore me. I don’t know what I’d do if you did ignore me. Do you think there’ll ever be a time that we stop talking? Like, I suppose if you get out and find a wife, or God knows, I find a husband. What a strange idea. I hope we never stop talking, do you?

  You’ve given me your friendship when you could have told me to mind my own business. You’ve allowed me to vent and complain, to cry and laugh, you’ve given me my teenage years, Con. Thank you.

  Anyway, here’s my email address:

  nerdytwig@gmail.com.

  I look forward to your email.

  Yours,

  Twig x

  I can’t stop the painful thud against my rib cage. It’s her. My Twig. Fuck, how did I not know sooner? She can never find out who I really am. There’s no way she’ll want a man like me. I’m filled with anger and regret, and thoughts of revenge.

  She’s so beautiful.

  So innocent.

  So real. She’s fucking real.

  All these years of communicating and here she is, in the same fucking house. How do I spend my days around her? How can I act like we don’t know each other? But I’m no fucking good for her.

  “You looking to get yourself shot, Barnes.” Boone’s deep rumble comes from behind me. I turn to find the old man stalking up behind me.

  I frown at him in confusion. “Why’d you say that?”

  “Walking out on my Mags like that can only get you shot in the ass from her shotgun and she has a good aim on her. I taught her everything she knows,” he responds proudly, and I can see the love and adoration this man has for his wife. My heart constricts to the point of pain and I’m sure I’m having a fucking heart attack. Turning to face the horses that are grazing on the green, I consider my answer.