Love Beyond Words

by Dani René

  Heading back inside, I shut the door and lock it. The haunting pages lying on the floor call to me again and I pick up the letter. Slowly scanning the words, even as I read them again, is like a sharp blade slicing through my chest.

  This can’t be over. I can’t bring myself to believe that she just walked away. That everything we’ve been through and experienced with each other is just gone. There must be more to our story. There has to be another ending because I can’t accept this. A life without her is not what I envisioned for me, to never see her smile again and to never have her in my arms. That’s not something I’m going to accept.

  As my mind replays every moment I’ve had with her, every sweet second of bliss from seeing her smile, hearing her laugh, to hearing her gentle moan as she whimpers my name when she comes undone. Everything. Anger burns in my veins, regret stifles my breathing, and sadness clutches my heart.

  I glance up and realize that this is my time. I’m the one that should run after her. Isn’t that what the books she writes tell me to do? To throw caution to the wind and to find the woman I love and make her mine. To force her to see how I feel, to see my heart.

  She’s seen it before; she’s looked through me into my soul. If only I can show her that again. All I have to do is put myself out there, on that proverbial line. The one that will either win her back, or have me losing her forever. With determination, I push off the chair and head into my room. Pulling my rug sack from the cupboard, I fill it with clothes that will get me through a couple of days.

  I’m going to find my woman.

  Downstairs, I check the ranch schedule and see there aren’t any classes today. Perfect, nobody will come around here and there aren’t any clients that will be angry about not getting their lessons. I grab the keys to Boone’s truck and jump in. As it rumbles to life, I head out onto the main road. I’ll scour the towns close by and check the motels. I doubt she would have gotten very far last night, and the cab would have dropped her at the closest one. Someone must have seen her.

  I have no idea where she would have gone, or how the fuck I’m going to figure out where that taxi took her last night, but I’m not giving up on this. On her. That letter meant fuck all to me. That fucking goodbye will be burnt to ash because she is mine. Always has been and she needs to hear me out. To give me a chance to tell her the whole story. I don’t know what happened with Callie and Ronan, but it must have been bad enough for him to hurt her. To murder her in cold blood.

  Once I have Leah back in my arms, I’ll find my brother and make him confess. One way or another. As I head down the road, I wonder if he’s been to see our mom. I miss her, but after I was released, I couldn’t bring myself to go back there. To see the town without Callie.

  After my arrest my mother visited me a few times, but after a while I told her to stop. I didn’t want her in a place like that and she obeyed me. I know she didn’t believe I was guilty. I suppose it’s a mother’s love. She had to believe in my innocence. Somewhere deep down she knew that I loved Cal and would never hurt her.

  The fact that Leah is Keller’s daughter is enough to send me over the edge. That man is a snake. When he took on my case, I gave him all the information he would need to figure out who framed me, but he dragged his feet. Even when I asked for a new lawyer, he told me that he was the only one who could help me.

  All he did was put me away. And something tells me it had to do with my brother.

  Rolling over, I feel the migraine hit. Only, it’s not a fucking headache, it’s the hangover from hell. Like the devil himself is dancing on my brain, prodding it with a pitchfork, taunting me and the bottle of whiskey I finished last night. The motel room isn’t luxurious, but I figure I can hide out here for a little while and decide what I’m about to do with my life.

  As I push up from the bed, my body aches and my head pounds. “Fuck.” Swinging my feet over the edge of the bed, I grab the empty glass, make my way into the en-suite, and fill it with water. Gulping down the lukewarm water, I shut my eyes and the memories of Heath, me, Ronan, my father, everything, swirl in a foggy haze of honey colored pain.

  Fucking whiskey.

  “I’m never drinking again.” I turn on the shower and step under the spray before it has a chance to heat. The muscles in my shoulders relax under the cascade and I breathe deep and long, trying to wash away the memories, but I can’t. There’s no way I can erase him from me. I stand in the shower for what feels like hours, with the images of us together assaulting me like bullets straight to my heart.

  Once the water runs cold, I shut the taps off and step out, grabbing a towel. I wrap myself in it and head back into the room.

  I flop onto my bed and pull my laptop up beside me. Opening the lid, I connect to the Internet and browse my social media.

  I haven’t been online in a month and the amount of messages is alarming. Shutting it down without responding to anyone, I sigh while opening my email. Ten new messages. One from my father.

  As soon as I open it, I feel sick. I know he was looking for me but his threats are beginning to sound more and more like the man Heath mentioned he is. Tears prick my eyes again after considering that I may have walked out on the man I love because of a truth instead of a lie. There has to be an explanation for this. I didn’t want to listen to him last night in my haste to run away and I wonder deep down if my suspicion is right, that my father is a brutal man.

  I close the lid of my laptop without responding to the man I grew up with. A man who loved me.

  Sadness rolls over me like a wave crashing on a shore. The pounding headache and the painful thud of my heart are enough to send me back under the covers again. I shut my eyes and let the emotion rip its way through me. Like a sharp blade, it slices and carves into me. Leaving nothing more than a shell.

  “Dad, what’s this?” I lift the document on his desk. When I glance at my father his face is pale. Snatching it out of my hand, he turns and stuffs it into the cabinet behind his chair.

  “You don’t have to worry about it. Did you do your letter this week? To the prisoner?” he questions. It’s been two years since our school implemented the program where we chose pen pals to communicate with.

  “Yes, Dad. I think he’s innocent.” My tone is nonchalant, but my father’s face scrunches and he reddens. A contrast to his earlier lack of color.

  “What do you mean?” Shrugging, I remember how Con would tell me about his life outside of prison. Before he was arrested. Somehow, he doesn’t strike me as a killer. He’s calm, relaxed, and he comes across as a normal man. I can’t understand why they would have arrested him.

  “I just don’t think he committed the crime they said he did.” I meet my father’s questioning gaze and I can see something is bothering him. Perhaps he’s afraid I’m getting too close to a man they consider dangerous.

  “I think you need to stop writing silly letters, Twig. There are better things you can do with your life. I’d like you to attend a dinner tonight with the son of a partner of mine. He’s a lovely young man.” He steeples his fingers and I realize there’s no way of getting out of this. When he asks me to do something, I don’t have a choice. My life isn’t mine. It’s his.

  “Who?”

  “His name is Ronan. I want him to join the ranks once he’s finished his degree and I think you two will hit it off. So will you promise to stop playing pen pal and live a real life now?” There’s something penetrating about his stare. My father can spot a lie from a million miles away. And with me? It’s even worse.

  “Yes father,” I mumble. Pushing up from the chair, I make my way to the door of his office, hoping he doesn’t look into my eyes and see that I can’t stop writing. Nothing can make me walk away from Con. Not even the man I hold dear to me. I’ve fallen. I’ve become enthralled. And there’s no turning back now.

  When my eyes open again, it’s dark outside and I roll over to glance at the clock on the nightstand. Seven. I’ve slept the day away. My dreams were far from rela
xing and I feel even more tired than I had before. The memory of that conversation with my father haunts me. The look in his eyes when I mentioned that I thought Con, Heath, was innocent. There was something more, but I never noticed it because I didn’t know better. My father, the master manipulator.

  Pushing off the bed, I head into the bathroom and wash my face. There are dark circles under my eyes and they’re bloodshot. Tears and exhaustion aren’t good for me. Back in the bedroom, I pack my bags and pick up the phone, dialing the same cab company. I order a taxi and wait.

  I’m going back to him. I need to hear his side of the story. My heart tells me to believe him, but my mind is warring with the idea. My mother always told me to follow my heart. I remember times when we would sit in the library and while I read, she’d sew. One day she spoke to me, I mean really opened up to me, and as the memory hits me like a tidal wave, I remember every word so clearly and I realize she tried telling me the truth.

  “Darling.” I glance up at my mother’s soft tone. She’s always been soft spoken and for as many times as we’ve fought, there are more times that I’ve learned she’s only doing her best with a teenage daughter who has her head in the clouds. “You’ll be eighteen soon and there are so many things I didn’t tell you over the years. I’ve been an absent mother and I feel as if I need you to know I’m sorry.” Her words are melancholy and my brows crease in confusion.

  Yes, she’s never been loving, but I didn’t hate her. I loved her. A lot.

  “Mom, you don’t have to—”

  “I do. There’s so much that happened that I could have stopped. I haven’t made the best choices in life. Because of my need for status when I was younger, I did something stupid. I fell in love.” Now I’m utterly confused. She’s always been in love. My parent’s have been married for almost thirty years.

  “But, Mom—”

  “Leah, when you find someone who you can be yourself with, I mean completely and utterly true to you, don’t let them go. Hold on to them no matter what. There’s a man out there who will break down your walls and he’ll shine a light on your life like the dawn shining through a window. You’ll love him. You’ll cherish him. And you’ll ultimately lose him, if you don’t listen to me. Many men can promise you the world, but only one man can promise you life. That’s the man you must not walk away from.”

  My mother sounds like she’s speaking from experience, but I don’t understand. I’ve never seen anything other than love between my parents. Unless they’re really good at hiding their feelings.

  “Mom, I’m only eighteen, I’m not even sure what love is.” I offer a smile, but she doesn’t return it. All she gives me is an anguished stare that somehow scares me more than any words can.

  “My sweet, Leah, you’ll know when you find it. Just don’t settle for something, or someone, that doesn’t bring you joy. One day you’ll remember my words and it will make sense. When you love someone, nothing can take that away. The ONE will always be ingrained in your heart. When you find that, don’t ever let go.”

  A beeping sound from outside jars me from the memory and I realize the cab is here. When I glance out the window the yellow and black car is blurry and I realize I’ve been crying. My mother told me, warned me. Did she know about Ronan? Better question would be; did she know about Heath. More than ever my determination jolts me into action and I head out to the car, dropping the small bag on the back seat and sliding in.

  Once I’ve given him the address for the ranch, we head back with my mind reeling after everything I’ve remembered. With my heart filled, aching and almost overflowing with the need to see him. To look into Heath’s eyes when he tells me the truth. The whole truth this time.

  It’s dark out and tension tightens my shoulders. Last night was the first time in three months that I wasn’t beside Heath and as my mother’s words echo in my mind, I know for sure that he’s my forever.

  I love him.

  I don’t want to walk away.

  And I hope it’s not too late.

  Con,

  Do you remember the first time I wrote you and I told you my mother doesn’t really care what I do? Well, the strangest thing just happened. We were sitting in the front room and while I read she sewed. Then for the first time in as long as I can remember, she spoke to me. She offered me advice and it was the oddest thing because I felt like she was telling me about her own heartache. About her losing someone she loved.

  I find it strange. I’ve never known my mother to be with anyone but my dad. Perhaps there’s more to it than my teenage mind let on. Maybe there’s a secret love story hidden within the walls of the house I call a home. Do you think it’s possible to love two people at the same time? I mean, surely there is one person for everyone.

  Although, my mother said that I’ll find my one. I’m only eighteen, I haven’t given much thought to love or marriage or anything like that. But, deep down I know I’d like to get married one day, maybe even have kids. Do you want kids? I mean, not with me, I mean one day. Like, if you were married. Shit, I ramble. Scrap that. Sorry, I feel strange after the conversation with her and now I’m deep inside a word vomit tirade.

  I’m signing off for now. Ignore my scribbles.

  Yours,

  Twig xo

  That letter reminds me how much I love her. It’s evidence enough that I’m meant to be the father of her kids, that I’m supposed to take her hand and vow to love her forever. The road is dark and I can just about make out the car’s lights in front of me. Fear of losing her has me on edge.

  A truck passes and the lights blind me for a moment before I can see where I’m going. There’s nothing out here and I wonder where she’s gone. I wish I had a goddamn phone. Some way to contact her. There aren’t even any hotels or stores where I can use their Internet to email her.

  The car in front of me turns off the road and now I’m alone. Utterly and completely alone with my thoughts and memories of the best three months of my life. But my brother walked in and fucked it all up. The same way he did so many years ago.

  “Hey Heath, let’s go down to the club and grab a beer.” I turn to Ronan, my brother. He’s drunk again, but there’s nothing I can do to stop him. All I can do is watch him fuck his life up. I’ve just turned twenty-one and Ronan wants to celebrate.

  I’ve just started dating a sweet girl, her name’s Callie, and the club my brother wants to go to will get me into deep shit with her. It’s the only place close by to serve alcohol but it’s a strip joint. “I’d rather stay home. Why don’t you go?” His face creases with disgust as he regards me.

  We’ve slowly drifted apart over the years. As I got older, I wanted to make something of myself, work hard and start a family. Since I turned eighteen, he’s become more and more hostile. Even now, as he watches me like I’m a piece of shit on his shoe, I know there’s no love lost between us anymore. My brother is no longer the man I used to look up to.

  He’s changed. Colder. Harder. Just different.

  “Fuck you and your little blonde whore. I’m going out to get myself some pussy.” He sways and I wait for the moment he topples over, but it doesn’t happen. He spins on his heel and tugs the door open. “When I find my father one day, you’ll see I’ll be the fucking shit and when I’m rich you’ll still be sitting here in a fucking filthy apartment with mom.” He walks out, slamming the door so hard it shakes the surrounding walls.

  Bright lights coming toward me in the opposite direction drag me from the memory. Shaking my head, I try to focus on the road, but I’m tired. I need to pull over, but I want to find her. I need to find her. “Where are you, Sunshine? I need you to light my way.” Another set of headlights blind me and I know I need to pull over, but my stubbornness wins and I pass the motel on my left and head straight down the road.

  “Heath, please…please…” I glance up at Leah, her beautiful body is bowed on my bed and I can’t help but dive back between her thighs and lap my way from her thighs to her sweet honeyed center
. She’s fucking perfect and I don’t know how I ever lived without this woman. Because I didn’t. She is it. This is it. My life has only begun and I’ve only just found my forever girl.

  My sunshine. My confidante. The woman who I’m going to give babies to after I’ve made her my wife.

  “You’re beautiful, Twig,” I rumble and suckle on her clit until she comes apart so ferociously that her fingers tug at my hair until I’m sure she’s pulling it out.

  “I love you, Heath. I love you, always.” Her whisper is music to my ears. Setting my world right.

  Groaning at the memory, I glance at the dash and realize it’s after one in the morning. “Shit.” I need to find somewhere to stop. A sign comes up telling me there’s a gas station a few miles up the road. I push my foot down on the gas pedal and watch the road as another set of headlights pass me. I’ve never felt more alone. Even when I was in my cell, there was still hope. Leah’s letters gave me hope. Now that she’s gone, it seems my hope is gone.

  Con,

  It’s been a week and I haven’t heard from you. Are you all right? I’m writing instead of emailing because I bought new stationery, can you smell the fragrance on the paper? That’s my perfume. They call it Sunshine Soaked. I figured even though you can’t see me, you can still imagine me while you inhale my scent. Does that make me crazy? Do you think I’m a nutcase?

  Well, I hope not. I’m feeling strange today. I start my new job tomorrow at the magazine.

  In other news my dad’s been acting really strange. I walked in on him and my fiancé and they were talking in hushed tones. It’s so annoying. Ron and I haven’t even done anything; he won’t touch me. He tells me I’m frigid but he’s the one who doesn’t make an effort. I’m sorry I’m telling you this, I just have no one else to talk to. I don’t want to get married, Con. I want to be with someone who can touch me. Someone who can make my body come alive. Who can make me ache and need and love.