Finding Jordie: Things aren't always what they seem. (The Love Lies Bleeding Series Book 1)

by Harley, HJ

  She side-eyed me with her lips pursed and arms folded. A short laugh escaped my mouth at her reaction.

  “Allow me to bend over and pick your mind up out of the gutter,” I said sarcastically.

  “Go on.”

  “After we ate, I was putting the dishes in the dishwasher, and he wandered into the living room. And then he left.” I gestured with my hands in the direction of the picture, and then buried my face in them. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I was probably dehydrated.

  “So pretty boy went running for the hills because you have a dead husband and a kid?” She sneered the words in a ‘he should be ashamed of himself’ tone.

  “I don’t know why he took off, but I’m sure that has something to do with it.”

  “It could have been your cooking.” She laughed animatedly and slapped her leg.

  I raised my middle finger and gave her a polite smile.

  “Fuck him then. Seriously, Jordie, that’s petty and childish. Everyone has a past. Not like you have anything to be ashamed of. It’s his loss.” She screwed up her face as if she was standing next to someone with BO. “I’m sure the guy has a past himself. Fuck it.

  “Fuck him. Who does he think he is? Making you cry... If I see his ass again he is getting a beat—”

  I cut her off abruptly. “He didn’t make me cry.”

  “Oh Jesus, here it comes. Defcon One defensive Jordan.” She rolled her eyes and waved her hands all around me. “Well, why the hell were you curled up like the fucking Crying Game on the floor, then? Obviously at it all night, might I add.”

  “I don’t know.” I picked myself up off the floor and headed to the bathroom. “I gotta pee.”

  Rachel followed me in and hopped onto the counter. “Well?” She could be one pushy little broad.

  “It wasn’t him leaving that upset me... as much as...”

  Her eyes widened and she smiled slyly at me. “I knew it! You filthy whore!” She raised her eyebrows and in a conspiratorial voice added, “He is a panty dropper, though.”

  “Ahhhhhh, never mind.” I stomped out of the bathroom to the living room to grab my smokes.

  She stood by the steps that led to my bedroom and motioned for me to hurry up. “Okay, okay, sorry, drama queen. Proceed.”

  We climbed the stairs and walked through my bedroom. I tossed her a hoodie, then I opened the window and we climbed up the fire escape to the roof. We each plopped in a chair, side by side, and I lit up a smoke.

  “You’re killing me, Smalls,” she said.

  “It wasn’t him leaving that upset me as much as it made me realize how pathetic I am. He was the first guy I’ve had in my home.”

  She opened her mouth.

  “Shut it.” I held up my finger. “The first guy, and I mean romantically, since Jason died. The first in eight years, Rachel. Eight! It was a revelation. For the second time in one weekend I was hit in the face, hard. All the shit you said to me earlier was spot on, and I lost it.”

  “So now what?” She leaned her head against my shoulder.

  “So now, I thank the gorgeous bastard for knocking me out of my emotional coma and move past it. At least I know I’m capable of having feelings for someone else. I guess I was just too afraid to find out. I’m still afraid, but I passed Feelings 101—I still have a heart.” I smirked at her. “The Iron-Clad Bubble has popped.” I reached over to hug her. “Thanks, bitch.”

  “Finally,” she said, and I could feel her smile against my shoulder. “I love you, Jordan. You’re my best bitch. We will get through this.” She pulled away from me and slapped her hands on my thighs, leaving them there.

  “I love you, too, and thank you.” I patted her hands and hopped up. “Emma will be home soon. Time to shower and rejoin the land of the living.”

  “I swear I know him from somewhere, though. I can’t place it, but I will.” She went on and on about this as we headed down the fire escape. She continued to drill me about exactly what Nathan had said to me and analyzed every last detail while I showered.

  “Okay, enough. Moving past it, remember?” I reminded her as I towel-dried my hair.

  “Right. Okay, next.” She mockingly saluted me and decided to fill me in on the next vacation she was in the process of planning. The girl loved to travel, and travel alone. She’d been all over the world and this next trip she’d been planning was to Egypt. “So be prepared to be without me for two weeks in January.”

  “Holler,” I said as I finished dressing.

  “Mom? Mom?” Emma called from downstairs.

  “Up here, honey.” I shouted down to her.

  “Welp, I’m outtie, biotch. Love you.” Rachel air kissed me on both cheeks before she left.

  “Hi, Aunt Rachel, bye, Aunt Rachel.” I heard Emma breeze past Rachel on her way up the stairs.

  “Bye, Emma. Love you.”

  “L.Y.T.,” Emma yelled just before she appeared in the doorway.

  “Hi, honey.” I gave her a hug and a kiss, squeezing her tight.

  “Aunt Kelly said she didn’t want to double park so she’ll call you later.”

  “Okay. Is all your homework done?”

  “Noooo, I’ll be in my room. Oh, I’ll show you the boots when you get downstairs.”

  In her room a few minutes later I checked out her new boots. “Cute,” I agreed as I took one out of the box.

  “Hands off! They’re my find!” She snatched it out of my boot-greedy hand, laughing.

  “Fair enough, you deserve it. That was quite a bargain.” I winked at her. “I didn’t get much sleep when I got in from work. You okay with me taking a short snooze?”

  “I’m not two, Mom.” She rolled her eyes at me as she sat at her desk, pulling out an oversized textbook.

  “Wake me when you’re finished.”

  “All right.”

  I lay in my bed. No matter how hard I tried to keep my mind off him, it drifted back to Nathan. I couldn’t stop analyzing the look on his face when he’d said he should leave. He hadn’t looked angry or standoffish. He’d looked sad? No, not sad—almost as if he pitied me. That infuriated me more. I didn’t need pity. Furious, I fell asleep.

  After dinner Emma and I walked home. She gave me every detail of her weekend in Jersey. When she finished, she looked up at me. “What happened to your lip?”

  Telling her some drunken asshole cold-cocked me wasn’t on the top of my list. “I bumped my face on the bar.”

  “Yeah, sure. You and Aunt Rachel started a fight club, didn’t you?”

  I laughed and shook my head. Definitely my kid. We were on our way up the steps by then.

  “Okay, shower and bed time. School in the morning,” I announced as we came through the front door. My phone beeped in my purse so I fished it out. “One new text” flashed across the screen.

  *You doin okay?*

  Who the hell was this? I texted back, *Stupendous, thanks. Who is this?*

  *Nathan*

  I immediately closed my phone and tossed it on the couch without responding.

  Later that night, after Emma was asleep, I picked up my cell and plugged it in before I headed to bed.

  But I couldn’t sleep.

  The events from the weekend finally caught up with me and my mind was in a tizzy. Should I have answered his text? How did he get my number? Maybe he really was a nut job. I laughed at the thought of that beautiful face being crazy. It was believable, though, when he smiled. Stop. He isn’t worth your thoughts. I forced my mind to shift to something else, anything else.

  I found myself thinking about Jason. I didn’t do it very often. I had an uncanny ability to shut myself down when it came to him. As I drifted off to sleep, the memory made its way to my dream.

  I woke suddenly, sweating and gasping for air. I checked the clock—it was one thirty-seven a.m. My throat felt like sandpaper. I needed a drink. My heart was still beating wildly and my eyes were damp. I headed downstairs quietly to the kitchen, grabbed the OJ from the fridge, and chugged
it straight from the bottle. “Ahhhhhh.”

  I searched for my smokes and then went back upstairs and climbed up to the roof.

  Looking out into the lights of NYC never failed to leave me mesmerized. It was a quiet night in the East Village, and I could hear the sounds of people leaving the bar. Rachel should be closing up soon. The noise rose as the bar door opened and fell nearly silent again once it closed. Two men conversed as they made their way to the street. I couldn’t see them yet, but I could hear them.

  “Bro, it’s two a.m. Look, all the lights are off. She wasn’t inside so she’s obviously in there.”

  I could see them finally—it was Nathan and his friend.

  The friend pointed to my building. “Asleep, as I’d like to be. I have a show tomorrow, rehearsal at nine. I’ll be dragging my ass as it is.”

  “You didn’t see her.” Nathan paused. “And she hasn’t answered any of my texts.”

  “Seriously, Nate, take a hint.”

  What the fuck did he mean, “take a hint?” Nathan was the one who’d left. I didn’t kick him out. Oh, that pissed me off big time, and before I knew what I was doing, I blurted out, “And what hint is that exactly?”

  Uh oh. Word vomit. I immediately regretted the words, covering my mouth.

  Nathan looked up at me. “Jordie, you’re okay.” It was a statement, not a question.

  I answered in an animated, sarcastic tone. “I told you, I’m super.”

  “Actually, you said stupendous,” he corrected me with a smile. “Can I come up? I need to talk to you.”

  “No, Emma is asleep. Ya know, my kid?”

  “She sleeps on the roof?” He smiled teasingly.

  I clenched my teeth. “Give me five minutes.”

  He laughed at me again, and his friend patted him on the back and said, “Good luck” before walking away.

  I practically ran back to my room, brushed my teeth to rid myself of the OJ slash ashtray breath I was rockin’, and searched the hall closet for the baby monitor that I kept for Girls Night Out on the roof with Rachel in case Emma woke up or something. I could hear everything in the house through this thing. I took a few deep breaths as I walked downstairs to buzz Nathan in. I opened the door a crack and watched him double-timing it up the front stairs.

  When he reached the top step, he stopped and smiled a wide, bright smile. “Hey,” he whispered.

  “Hey.” My phone beeped. I moved in front of him to the breakfast bar to pick it up.

  “Seven New Texts.” I stared at him, bemused.

  “Really? Seven texts?” I flipped the phone open and closed it back up so it would stop beeping.

  “Aren’t you going to read them?”

  “No, why? You’re here now. You can tell me yourself.” I shook my head ever so slightly. “But let’s get upstairs first.” I gestured with my hand to the hallway.

  I led the way to the fire escape and up to the roof. I flipped a switch and the rooftop lit up softly with white lanterns. The white Christmas lights that hung around the perimeter of the rooftop started twinkling.

  “This is some place you have here, Jordie.” He took in the view as he ran his long fingers through his hair.

  “Thanks.”

  “You must be one hell of a bartender.” He looked over the side and then back up at the view of the New York City lights.

  “Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m not just a bartender.”

  He eyed me quizzically. “Oh? Mind if I ask what else it is you do to afford all this?” He motioned his arm around.

  “My pimp, duhhh.” I rolled my eyes at him and busted out laughing because the way his jaw dropped I was pretty sure it came unhinged. “I’m kidding! Jesus. The bar is mine. I don’t just work there. After Jason died, I received his hazard pay, some life insurance, and a ridiculous amount of money from the government. So I moved back here and bought this building and the bar. I needed to do something wise with it, not piss it away. I had a baby to raise alone, with no life skills. So I stuck with what I knew.” I kept it brief. I didn’t want to dump all my baggage on him at once.

  “Which was real estate and drunks?” He chuckled.

  “Nooo,” I quipped back. “The New York City night life and buying shit cheap. I love sales, I love bargains, and I hate paying retail for anything. I found this building on the foreclosure list. The bar, too. Apparently the previous owner didn’t know how to maintain his books and pay taxes. His loss, my gain.” I shrugged. “So I decided to rent out one of the apartments and live in the other just in case the bar didn’t work out as I’d hoped. So I had some sort of backup plan with income.” I shifted to face him. “Luckily though, it turns out NYC loves my bar enough to name it one of its favorite hot spots. My employees have been very dedicated, and it wouldn’t be half the success without them. Especially Rachel. I’m not her boss, though. She’s a sister to me.” I let out a small laugh. “Rachel is her own boss. She’s one hard-headed chick, and I love every inch of her.”

  We were sitting on the same chairs Rachel and I sat on earlier. I could feel him staring at me.

  “Pretty damn impressive if you ask me.”

  I could feel his eyes still penetrating my skin. It was unnerving, yet intense in a good way. What is he thinking?

  “Quit staring at me.” I turned to look at him. “I feel like I have a booger hanging out of my nose or something, damn.” I laughed nervously.

  His face was so serious. “You are so beautiful,” he said in a breath-like whisper, as if he didn’t even realize he was speaking.

  “Really? I’m sure it was my beauty that sent you high-tailing it out of here last night then.” My tone was harsh and my eyebrows were mashed up and crinkled in the middle above my nose.

  “About that,” he began.

  I held my hand up. “I don’t want to hear it. You saw baggage and ran. I get it. I have a lot of baggage.”

  “Is that what you think? Honestly?”

  “Uhhh, well, what the fuck else could it be, Nathan? You saw the picture, I explained, and poof, you were gone.”

  He shook his head and pursed his lips together like he was angry, really angry.

  “No, you don’t get to be the angry one here,” I barked at him.

  “Jordie, I’m not angry. I’m aggravated you thought I was that shallow and crass, but angry? No.” His eyes were bright blue and locked with mine. “I didn’t want to leave... but if you could have seen...” He struggled to get the words out and turned his stare to the ground. “The pain that was so clear on your face... I didn’t want to intrude on that private moment you were having or about to have. You looked as if someone was shattering your world all over again, and as much as I wanted to hug you and be whatever you needed at that moment, I couldn’t. I knew there was no way in hell that I could come close to what you needed. So against my own will I forced myself to leave.” He rubbed his hands on his pants nervously.

  “Oh,” was all I could manage to mumble. “I’m sorry... I thought...” I sat forward in my seat and put my hand on his knee. Whoa, there it is. I was beginning to crave that feeling he gave me when I touched him. No matter how brief it was, it made me feel alive. “I’m just sorry, Nathan.” I couldn’t believe how much I wanted this man.

  “Do you want to tell me about it, Jordie?” he asked with the most sincere tone. He put his hand on my chin, gently guiding me to look at him.

  My stomach started performing flips again. How did he have this effect on me already? “Do you want me to tell you because you want to know, or because you feel sorry for me?” I whispered, remembering his expression before he left the night before.

  His hand was still curled under my chin, keeping my face in place, but my eyes were fixated over his shoulder.

  “I want to know. I...” He paused and grinned. “I want to know everything about you.”

  I looked back at him and gave a small smile. “Nut job.” I laughed and so did he. “Ugh. I don’t even know where to begin.” I bac
ked away from his gentle hold to grab my smokes.

  “Try the beginning?” He smirked, and my insides turned to mush.

  “All right.” I took a deep breath and held it for a second, knowing once I started talking I wouldn’t be allowed to stop. I hoped he was ready for this. “I met Jason when I was twenty at an Armed Forces Christmas toy drive in Times Square. I was volunteering with Rachel at the event.” I lit up a smoke. I pulled one leg up to my chest and rested my forearm on my knee. “He was stationed at Fort Dix for some Special Ops training. I remember him telling me I couldn’t tell anyone because it was ‘secret stuff’ and my reaction being, ‘Yeah sure’.” I snickered. “After that, though, we hit it off, dated for a few months, and married within the year. When his training was finished he got orders to go to Fort Bragg, North Carolina.”

  I paused for a moment and shifted in my chair, starting to feel slightly uncomfortable reliving this. I took another drag off my smoke and exhaled slowly before I continued. “We only decided to get married so soon because that was the only way I could go with him. Aside from a deployment every few weeks for about ten days at a time, Jason worked on post. A year later, I got pregnant and soon after he received orders overseas and was deployed within the week.” I shrugged.

  Sneaking a quick glance up, I met Nathan’s gaze and just as quickly I looked away. Oh the eyes on this man will be the death of me, I swear it. “He was sergeant of his platoon and had no idea where they were going, only that he would be on a plane in twenty-four hours. We spoke once a week by phone and wrote to each other. My OB scheduled a C-section the second week of January because of some issues I was having. He was granted two weeks home for Emma’s arrival. After she was born he went back to wherever it was.”

  I flicked my ashes and made a small ‘wherever’ gesture. “I still had no idea where because he wasn’t allowed to say. We kept up with the routine of weekly phone calls and letters. But then right after Emma’s first birthday, the letters and phone calls stopped. I knew something was wrong. For three weeks I went out of my mind, driving everyone crazy. Making phone calls to higher ups on post. Nobody knew anything—or they wouldn’t tell me anything, is what I felt like. I had to know what was happening. By the end of week three they sent a therapist to my house to make sure I was still sane, I guess.” I chuckled. “You should have seen the look on that poor shrink’s face as my crazy parade marched through his town. He prescribed me some Xanax, and I never heard from him again.” I shook my head and grinned.