The Light in My Heart

by Jerry Rosendorn

  She always looked a little embarrassed when we discussed intimacy. “I like it okay, but when I’m pressured, I don’t enjoy it.”

  I was confused, when we made love, she seemed to enjoy it. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong.

  On our wedding night, Diana had referred to her fear of being abandoned; a fear now manifesting itself in reoccurring nightmares. When she would point out her fears and insecurities to me, I wondered if I was at fault. After all, I spent most of my time away from her; even when I was home, I was studying. Was I the cause of her insecurities; her feelings of being abandoned and pressured?

  Many times I asked Diana if I was doing something to make her feel insecure; she never gave me a straight answer. She always said, “I want you to finish school and fulfill your dream.”

  After graduating from college, I was accepted to a private law school in Los Angeles. I was thrilled until the financial reality of attending law school sank in. Tuition was twelve hundred dollars per year and I didn’t have the money.

  Diana came to the rescue. She had a small inheritance from her grandfather she readily gave me to pay the tuition. In addition, her parents were very happy to see the money invested in my future. As Elizabeth explained it, “I told you my father was an attorney. Nothing would have made him happier than to know the money was being used to pay for your law school education.”

  In order to be closer to my law school, Diana and I moved from the Valley to an apartment in Santa Monica.

  During my second year of law school, I talked to a friend who told me about a fabulous vacation he took over the summer. He and his wife spent three weeks driving to the national parks in the western states. After he described the adventure, I wanted to go with Diana. The only problem was I didn’t own a reliable car.

  I talked to Sherman about it; he immediately offered to let me drive his new Cadillac El Dorado. I couldn’t believe it; that car was his pride and joy.

  “Dad, do you mean it?” I asked, stunned. “I will be so careful with your car. It means so much to me; I’ve never seen the national parks.”

  As a kid I had dreamed of visiting parks like the Grand Canyon and Yellowstone, but the closest I ever came to seeing their grandeur was on television or in books.

  “Don’t worry,” said Sherman with a generous smile. “We’re family; I want you and Diana to enjoy your trip in comfort.”

  This was a trip of a lifetime for me. I couldn’t wait to finish my last final exam so I could throw myself into packing. The three-hour exam was on a Thursday in mid-May 1974; covering the subject of evidence. Impatient as I was to be done, I realized how important the test was, so I steadied myself and kept my attention on the questions. When the exam was over, I raced home to pack and make the final arrangements for our trip.

  The next morning, we were off in the Cadillac headed for our first stop: Las Vegas. The trip took us through Nevada, Utah, Wyoming, South Dakota, Colorado, and Arizona. It was unbelievable that I was finally going to see the national parks. I remember driving on an open highway in the middle of the Arizona desert and seeing a sign: “Grand Canyon - 100 Miles.” The thought that I was on a road one hundred miles from the Grand Canyon brought tears to my eyes. Growing up with my parents and being unable to visit these wonders, I vowed to one day see places as magnificent as the Grand Canyon; that day had finally come.

  Visiting the national parks gave me a great sense of belonging and adventure that has stayed with me to this day. I don’t find spiritual comfort by sitting in a house of worship, but standing on a mountaintop or gazing out over a rushing river gives me a sense of peace and helps me to understand the power and beauty of nature.

  This trip, however, was not without incident. While Diana and I were driving through Jackson Hole, Wyoming, a cowboy town just outside of The Grand Tetons, we started arguing. She yelled at me to stop the car, jumped out, and walked away toward the town square. I was in a panic. I couldn’t abandon Sherman’s car in the middle of the road to chase after her. I hurriedly parked so I could search for her; it took me an hour to find her.

  The following May 1975, I completed my law studies and obtained my Juris Doctor Degree with one more hurdle to clear. In order to practice law in California, I had to pass the California Bar Exam. I took the two-and-one-half day exam in July 1975 at the Los Angeles Convention Center. After completing the exam, I felt like I’d done my best, but I wouldn’t know if my best was good enough until the results came out Thanksgiving week.

  That left me in limbo for over three months, enough time to travel the world. In fact, some of my classmates were taking advantage of the break to do just that. My friend David took his girlfriend Christina and flew to Germany where they rented a car and traveled through Europe. I had other ideas.

  I studied for the bar exam from the beginning of April until the night before the first day of the test. I spent every day at home in a comfortable chair in our living room next to an opened sliding glass door to enjoy the fresh air, while I poured over outlines of the law. I read the outlines, thought about the law, and contemplated hypothetical questions.

  One of the things that kept me going during my preparation was my desire to take another driving trip after the exam was over. After deciding on the trip, I asked Sherman if I could borrow his car again.

  “Dad,” I said, “After the bar, I want to take Diana on another driving trip. This time I want to drive up the coast of California, Oregon, and Washington to the Canadian Rockies. Once we get there, I want to take Diana to see Lake Louise and Banff returning home through Montana and Idaho. The trip will last around three to four weeks; there’s no rush to get home because I won’t get the bar results until November. May we use your car again?”

  “Sure,” he said without hesitation. I couldn’t thank him enough.

  The next step was to plan out the details. Since I knew very little of these areas, I went back to the Automobile Club picking up maps and tour books to guide me.

  Each day, I studied for the bar from early morning until dinner, breaking only to have lunch when I poured over the maps and tour books. Each night, when Diana returned from work, I told her about the trip and the places we’d visit.

  “Honey,” I explained, “I don’t want to make a single reservation. When we arrive in a town, if we like it, we’ll stay, and if not, we’ll drive on. This may be the only time in our lives when we’ll have the freedom to travel without a schedule, so let’s enjoy it.”

  Diana seemed to enjoy hearing about all these places. Planning this trip was not only a great diversion from my studies; it also gave me something to look forward to.

  To Diana’s credit, she was fantastic during the months preceding the bar. She kept out of my way and did everything possible to make it easy for me to study. Though there was no improvement in our intimacy.

  Since she catered to my study needs by creating a quiet environment, I’ll always be grateful for her understanding and consideration.

  When the bar was over, I was so relieved. It felt like my entire life came down to this one test. With the exam now in the past and the results in the future, I had a long stretch of time between the two and a wonderful trip to take. I finished the bar on a Thursday. I told Diana I wanted to leave no later than Saturday morning for our trip to Canada.

  The first thing I did after I left the Convention Center was to go home and relax. I was lying down on the couch when the phone rang. It was Diana; she sounded a little out of breath.

  “Don’t make any plans for tonight,” she said. “I spoke with Christina and we’re going to meet her and David for dinner. I have a special place I want to take you.”

  Usually I wanted to know all the details, but something told me to leave it alone and let Diana take full control.

  “Diana, I’m so happy and relieved about finishing the bar, I don’t care where we go. In fact, don’t tell me, I want to be surp
rised.”

  That evening, David and Christina came to our apartment. We took our car; I drove while Diana told me where to make turns. Following her directions, we ended up at Trader Vic’s, a Polynesian restaurant in Beverly Hills.

  We enjoyed a great meal while David and I did a post-mortem on the exam. Finally, Diana and Christina had heard enough, so our discussion turned to Christina and David’s upcoming trip through Europe.

  David asked me where Diana and I were going. I started to explain our trip up the West Coast to Canada, when the headwaiter came to our table and approached me.

  “Sir, I have an important envelope for you.”

  I was dumbfounded. When I looked over at Diana, she had a smirk on her face.

  I asked the waiter, “What is this all about?”

  “Just open it,” Diana pleaded.

  I opened the envelope and was shocked to find brochures, plane reservations, and hotel confirmations for . . . . . Hawaii.

  I turned toward Diana with a look of disbelief and found her smiling like she just did the most wonderful thing in the world for me. I stared for a few seconds and then realized I had to say something. Without any emotion, I said, “Wow, what a surprise.” Diana probably thought I was in a state of happy shock.

  I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to seem unappreciative so I smiled, but didn’t she hear me? We had already been to Hawaii; I wanted to go to the Canadian Rockies. I was much less assertive then, I just smiled and kept my mouth shut.

  Diana appeared ready to jump out of her skin with delight.

  “I’m so excited,” she squealed. “Let’s go tell my parents. They’ll want to know all about that surprised look on your face. They were great; they helped me plan everything.”

  She was right. It was a surprise.

  Diana and I took Christina and David back to our apartment for their car; then we drove to her parent’s house. As we stopped at the curb, they came out of the house.

  “What a great surprise,” Elizabeth yelled. “You’re so lucky to be going back to Hawaii. How was the exam?”

  “It was fine. I think I did well. What a surprise.”

  I had an awful feeling in my stomach. Planning the trip to Canada helped me get through my preparation for the bar; now I had to abandon it for something I didn’t want. Why didn’t Diana get the message? I should have said, “No,” but none of them would have understood. Since they had always been so supportive of me, I didn’t want to disappoint them. I was stuck; I had to go back to Hawaii.

  In this moment of joy and happiness, Diana didn’t realize this trip to Hawaii would prove to be the beginning of the end of our marriage.

  Before we left for Hawaii on the Tuesday after Labor Day, I had to endure yet one more surprise.

  Diana never had nice hair. When I first met her that night when Wendy and I fixed her up with Jim, her hair was in a nice flip. It turned out the nice flip was a hair piece. Her real hair was very wavy and less than flattering. Her best look was to keep it very short. If she tried to grow it out, it became unmanageable.

  About two days before the trip, Diana went to the hair salon and decided to get a perm; it was not a good style for her. When she came home, I did a double-take. At first, I simply didn’t recognize her.

  Then, I began thinking more about Diana and our marriage. It dawned on me with all the studying I had done; I hadn’t looked closely at her. Who was she?

  I began to realize, I didn’t know her; I was faced with going on this trip to Hawaii with a stranger who happened to be my wife. For the past five years, we had been leading separate lives as we went to school, worked, and tried to prepare for a future together. Now, the future had arrived and I didn’t know my partner.

  Our first stop in Hawaii was the island of Kauai. I had good memories of spending part of our honeymoon on this island, but this time as I sat on a sandy beach, my thoughts drifted to the uncertainty of our relationship. I looked over at Diana outstretched on her towel, her eyes closed as she took in some rays, and asked myself, “Do I want to spend the rest of my life with her?”

  During this trip, instead of doting over Diana, I spent most of my time on the beach reading and avoiding contact with her.

  In the end, Diana got her second trip to Hawaii and I got second thoughts about our marriage. These thoughts stayed with me as we returned to Los Angeles.

  I remember very little about this trip, except for her ghastly hair.

  There are two more events I remember about my life with Diana. The first one occurred the night before Thanksgiving 1975. I was in the den watching television when Diana ran into the room. “You passed, you passed,” she screamed. “’The Sacramento Bee’ has released the results of the bar exam. You passed!”

  I was numb. I knew I was well-prepared for the bar exam, but when I walked out of the Convention Center on the last day there was a small tinge of doubt that became lodged in the back of my brain.

  After Diana’s words sunk in, I was flooded with relief and joy. I spent the entire night sitting in the den watching television with the thought circling in my head that I had passed the last test of my life. Diana was tired and went to bed, but I was so wired from the news I couldn’t sleep. It was so important to me because it was the culmination of all those years of telling people I was going to be an attorney. Now the time had come; I needed to take charge of my life.

  My last memory of our marriage was the day I told her it was over. We stayed up all night talking. I knew she wasn’t my soul mate; though she was caring and tried to be kind, she was immature. I needed a woman.

  Chapter 22

  “Since you knew Diana and her family for many years, what was the biggest loss or adjustment for you?”

  “I lost the family I thought I’d found. Here’s an example, we broke up a few days before my twenty-sixth birthday. I assumed Diana’s parents would spend my birthday with me. I left the night open for them and waited for a call that never came.”

  “Jake, I am concerned about something else. You talked about the lack of intimacy, but I suspect you’re leaving something out.”

  Dr. Fox stared at me in way that told me I could either fess up or she had ways to pull it out of me. It was a critical junction in my relationship with my therapist; I reminded myself I had to tell her everything so I could free myself of the baggage I was carrying.

  “Yes, Dr. Fox, there was more,” I confessed. “Obviously, I wanted and needed a physical relationship; I was hurting over months and months of no intimacy. So, I pursued some of my female classmates. These women wanted to study with me; while at the same time, they let me study them. I am trying to be funny about it because I’m embarrassed. It’s hard for me to admit this to anyone, but I needed a woman; all I had at home was a little girl.”

  Chapter 23

  1976

  I moved out of our Santa Monica apartment and back to the San Fernando Valley. It was a hard decision; I didn’t want to leave Diana with another abandonment issue, but it was definitely the right decision for me. I had to move on with my life.

  Diana’s parents were heartbroken; our break up was unimaginable to them. Sherman called me. “Let’s meet,” he said bluntly. “You have some unfinished business with Diana.”

  “Okay, Sherman. I’ll meet you tomorrow afternoon at five at the deli on Westwood Boulevard.”

  “That’s fine.”

  Part of me didn’t want to meet him. I felt guilty about leaving and he knew it; I was sure he’d try to take advantage of me. It was probably best for me to refuse to see him; it was none of his business. But, the other part of me knew he’d been very good to me. He’d been closer to me than my own father, so I had to give him the chance to say what was on his mind.

  I arrived early, waiting for him near the cash register. I had so much nervous energy that I began pacing the floor until he arrived. I didn’t wa
nt to disappoint him or Elizabeth, but I had.

  We took a table and ordered some coffee. He had a look of determination that told me he was ready for business. He stared into my eyes.

  “What are you going to do for Diana?”

  “Sherman, we don’t have much in the way of assets. There are a few shares of stock, some savings, and an apartment full of furniture and household goods. She can have everything. She has her own car. I’ll take the new Volvo along with the remaining thirty-five monthly payments. Also, I’m going to reimburse her for the money she gave me for law school. I don’t have the money now, but I’ll work out a payment plan so she gets it all back plus interest.”

  Sherman’s look told me he wasn’t pleased and wanted more.

  “That’s not good enough. You have your legal education, which will provide you with a lot of future income. Diana has a degree in Child Development which is almost useless for her since she works with her mother at the agency. I figure you’ll earn around $150,000.00 over the next five years; you should pay her one-half of that amount.”

  Even though I had been anticipating something like this, my heart sank at the thought he expected me to meet such an obligation. I hated to disappoint him, but I couldn’t obligate myself to pay this.

  “Sherman, I’m not going to pay her support. Legally, I don’t have to pay her for projected future income. We’re both young, our marriage was short-lived; there’s no need to pay her any support. She makes more money working for Elizabeth than I do as an attorney.” I steadied myself knowing my next words would be the last ones to him. “Sherman, I’m sorry it didn’t work out for me and Diana. I tried; I’m very sorry.”

  I picked up the check and left the deli. I was proud of myself for not caving in. Maybe I had grown up.