‘Talk to him.’
‘I will.’
Quietly, he left me standing in the cool water and I watched as he walked past Illarion, the two men sharing a quick nod.
Illarion’s gaze returned to me and slowly he pulled off his boots and walked into the shallow water, ignoring the wet fabric clinging to his legs.
He stopped a foot away from me and, for a moment, neither of us spoke. Finally, he stepped a little closer and cupped my elbows gently.
‘I don’t want to lose you, Ace.’
Tears stung the back of my eyes.
‘I know you need space, and God, I’ve been wracking my brain, trying to work out what to say, what to do, and I’m lost. I have no idea, Ace. All I know is that I cannot lose you, I’m not asking anything of you, but please, don’t push me away.’
When I opened my mouth to protest, he stopped me by stepping closer and sliding his hands up to my shoulders.
‘I know you don’t want me near you, I get that, but I need you. I need to know you’re here, I need to see that you’re alive.’
My heart thundered in my chest.
Our connection relayed everything that I had gone through, he heard every thought inside me, he felt every bit of pain and in return, I saw it in his eyes. The suffering was endless, the torture I’d put him through wasn’t over like mine was. He was living each day here beside me, but not allowed to be with me.
A moment of hesitation cost me. He dropped his hands and stepped back.
His dark eyes found mine like he was searching my face for the answers I couldn’t give. He turned to leave but this time I acted.
‘Stay,’ I whispered, taking his hand in mine and pulling him back.
He stepped toward me again and this time I pressed my hands to his forearms. When he cupped my elbows, lowering his forehead to mine, I felt the shaky sigh that left his lips.
‘I understand there are things you don’t want to talk to me about….’ He trailed off, bringing his hand to my cheek where he wiped a stray tear with his thumb. ‘You don’t have to talk to me, just let me be here with you, through this.’
‘I want you here.’ How could I have even thought otherwise?
He pulled back, taking my hand and led us back to the shore where I sat in his arms until the night came. And then I watched as the horizon bled into the sea and the stars dipped into the ocean. He wrapped his jacket around my shoulders and pulled me into him.
His grip on me tightened as the warmth was replaced by a cool breeze and the ocean began to roar as nature exploded around us.
The raging sea was relentless against the fragile shore; but the shore survived, night after night when the wind battered its sandy banks. It was still here and it would continue to be, as the sun chased away the night and the night became day.
Illarion threaded his fingers through mine and pressed a kiss to my forehead.
Somehow, we would be alright. I knew we would.
Chapter Twelve
Ace
When the sky opened up and rain began to pour, we walked back to the motel. Daniel had gone to sleep and left us both some soup.
He had done so much for me, so much I was grateful for, so much I would never be able to express in words. Illarion heated up the food while he insisted I went and changed. The rain and the sea had all but claimed my less than presentable attire.
As was Illarion’s custom, he came prepared. He brought me clothes and toiletries.
Stuffing my legs through the sweatpants he’d brought I cringed, pulling the cord as tight as it would go. Damn. I needed to put on some weight.
When I managed to hold my food down, I was going to request at least ten Big Macs.
As I pulled my hair back and tied it, Illarion came back with two bowls of steamy, chicken soup and placed them on the small, round table.
My stomach grumbled as soon as I sat down.
‘Not bad.’ Illarion said, softly, tasting a spoonful of soup.
We ate in an uncomfortable silence until both our bowls were empty. He took them away and sat back down, keeping his eyes averted.
He didn’t look up at me, but I could feel the tension.
‘I’m going to try to get some sleep.’
He got to his feet when I did.
For a moment, we stood in the crowded kitchen, needing to say something, but saying nothing. Eventually, I gave him a quick nod before making my way to my room, he didn’t follow.
From the corner of my eye, as I turned, I saw him by the table. Before he sat down, I turned my body to face him.
‘You can stay in here.’ I rubbed my arms dropping my gaze. ‘If you want.’
Without another word, he crossed the distance and met me at the door.
He leaned heavily against the frame, his arm was so close to mine that we were almost touching, but he kept his distance.
‘Are you sure?’
‘I’m sure,’ I murmured, without looking up at him.
Nodding, he made his way inside and closed the door. He took his place in the small armchair by the window as I climbed into the bed and pulled the covers over myself.
I heard him remove his jacket and pull the blanket out from the small shelf.
A few minutes later he was quiet, and I heard his breathing even out. He’d been living off coffee and fumes, he hadn’t been getting any sleep and it finally seemed to have caught up with him.
Sighing, I pulled off the covers and dropped into the bed looking up at the ceiling. His quiet breaths were the only sound resonating through the darkness.
The hum inside me was quiet and low, it was content, having him close by.
A quiet murmur drew my attention; Illarion was having a bad dream. I couldn’t make anything out but I saw enough from the nights I’d spent with him, what he went through each night—I wasn’t the only one who was haunted.
Dreams of death and past battles tormented him. I’d seen them before when I slipped into his mind accidentally when I stayed at his house. But those dreams weren’t the only ones that found a deep, dark spot in his mind. Now he had mine too, all the times I’d pushed my fear and pain into him, all the times I had subconsciously reached out to him… all those images raced through him, I knew because they were the same dreams that kept me up.
The Darkness inside me wasn’t mine alone, it raged through him too. It was threatening to burst to the surface. I figured that the only reason it hadn’t so far, was because he was keeping himself intoxicated. Alcohol had a numbing effect on any abilities we possessed, and much like more serious drugs, such as heroin, for example, it dulled whatever burned inside us. But I was different. The rage inside me was dangerous, and it still managed to break through.
Soft sounds of distress began to fill the silent night and, before I realized what I was doing, I was moving toward him. I padded over and knelt. My fingers brushed across his cheek, grazing the stubble on his face.
He stirred under my touch, and slowly, his dark lashes lifted revealing the beautiful, brown eyes I loved so much.
The last remnants of sleep left him as he reached down for me, gently running his fingers through the loose strand of hair that had escaped from my ponytail.
‘Everything okay?’
Biting down on my lip, I couldn’t answer. Instead, I sunk into the ground wrapping my arms around my chest.
‘Hey.’ He crouched in front of me pulling me into him. ‘What’s wrong?’
Words failed me, but my tears did not.
Clutching at the soft fabric of his shirt, I inhaled deeply and buried my face in his chest.
‘Talk to me.’
I tightened my hold on him, which did little to appease him.
He let out a sigh, knotting his fingers through my hair and pressed a kiss to my forehead.
‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered, through the tears.
My voice broke as I tried to hold it all in.
‘I’m so sorry, Ila.’
He tried to stop me but I couldn�
�t. The words wouldn’t stop now.
‘I am so, so sorry. Forgive me.’
Holding me at arm’s length, he tilted my chin and his dark, stormy eyes found mine.
‘There is nothing to forgive.’
‘There is. God, Illarion, there’s so much.’
Before he could say a word, I stopped him. ‘The things I did….’ I shook my head cupping his cheek in my hand.
A muscle in his jaw moved and the storm in his eyes grew darker.
‘Ace-’
‘I can never undo the things I did, Ila. I’m a horrible person. I don’t deserve you.’
He drew my hand to his chest, placing it over his heart.
‘I am yours. Always.’
‘I hate myself, Ila.’
His eyes found mine again and, seconds later, he pulled me against him.
‘Don’t say that, Ace, please don’t.’
He was trying hard to hold everything in and I didn’t need my abilities to feel him because I felt the rage sparking through our connection. Whatever had broken and chipped away inside me, was breaking inside him, too.
There were things that time could fix and then there were the things it couldn’t…
‘I do, I do, Ila, I hate myself. I hate what he did to me, what I did to the men he brought. I hate what I did to us.’ I couldn’t stop, I couldn’t breathe, the words kept coming, and the tears kept raging.
‘Baby, stop.’ His hand slipped to the nape of my neck and tried to ease my face up to his.
‘I hate him, I hate him so much, Ila… please forgive me.’
Stars began to form around the dark edges of my vision and vertigo overwhelmed me. My head grew hazy and, as I swayed on my knees, he pulled me against his body, helping me to the bed where he positioned us both down and wrapped his arms around me.
‘There’s nothing to forgive, you’re safe now, you’re safe….’
My body shook against him as tears wracked my body.
‘I hate what he did to me!’ I pulled back, covering my face with my hands.
‘I know, I know you do, it’s unforgivable what he did, but I love you, so much and I won’t let him hurt you again….’ He took my hands and slowly pulled them free from my face. ‘Look at me.’
How could I? I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to turn from him.
‘Ace, look at me please.’
Reluctantly, I did.
‘I’m here with you, no matter what.’
‘You can’t love me, not like this, Ila, not the person I am now. Not after the things I’ve done.’
He closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath and when he opened them, I noticed the tears that clung to his dark lashes.
‘I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you, Ace. The way you were. The way you are.’
‘No.’ I shook my head.
He gently ran his fingers across the marks on my arms. Nothing he could say would make me forget, nothing could make those feelings go away.
‘Every night he came to my bed,’ I closed my eyes, digging my nails into his arms. ‘Every night he made me scream… it was hell.’
Illarion stilled. His fingers stopped drawing gentle lines on my skin and his breath stalled.
‘And the nights he didn’t, he made up for when he came back, and I let him. I let him do whatever he wanted because I just wanted it over, I wanted to die.’
As the words left my lips, a Darkness inside me I didn’t recognize began to course. I thrust my fingers into my hair and pulled. I pulled until I could barely hold the scream in, Illarion wrapped his hands around my wrists until I let go.
‘At the warehouse, the things he did to me, he killed our baby, Ila, he killed our baby. He never worried about getting me pregnant; he didn’t have to because he destroyed me. He took everything away from me.’
Illarion pulled me against him, whatever strength he had, was fading. There was no masking the agony in his staggered breaths.
‘When I couldn’t take it anymore, I made Daniel bring me drugs. Ila, drugs! I took heroin. I took it so much I stopped caring, it didn’t matter anymore. I didn’t care about the men I’d killed when I collected their Senses. I did whatever he asked. I stopped begging to die…’
Illarion’s tears fell onto my cheeks, mixing in with my own. He ran his fingers through my hair pulling me closer against him. With each broken sob, his heart thundered in his chest beating as rapidly as mine.
‘I saw you one night, through another Sensitive’s eyes. I was so high I barely recognized you, Ila. What kind of person am I? How can you love me? How can you stand to touch me? How can you be here when he did that to me every night?’
Rage filled my veins, and I pushed against his chest shoving him to the ground. A scream built inside me and I hit him again and again until he was up on his feet, his arms out, backing away.
‘How can you love me?’ I screamed, getting up.
‘Ace,’ he said, firmly as he backed up.
‘How can you say you want to be here when you know what I did?’
The fury was building, a blinding, white rage intensified inside me. The Darkness was slipping through the cracks, my vision darkened as his trembling hands reached for me.
‘How can you think this body is beautiful?!’ I shouted, pulling my clothes off.
I dropped the sweatpants and t-shirt at my feet, leaving me in my black underwear. He averted his gaze, looking down at the floor.
‘Look at me!’ I screamed, feeling nothing but the burning under my skin, pulsing through my super-heated veins.
At some point, Daniel had busted through the door and his wide eyes met mine. Illarion held his hand out, warning Daniel to stay back.
‘Look at me Illarion! Do you still love me? Do you still want to touch me?’ I yelled.
Daniel stood frozen by the door. Illarion placed his body between us as a shield and finally looked back up at me.
‘Yes!’ he yelled back. ‘I love you, Ace!’
A humorless laugh left my lips.
‘You don’t even know who I am anymore!’ I laughed, letting the Darkness spread through me. I felt it reach my heart, like a cold, angry vice it gripped me, squeezing. I focused on Illarion’s eyes.
‘I let him do whenever he wanted to me, every single night! Do you still want me, Ila? Do you still want to touch this body?’
‘Stop this!’ he shouted, pushing Daniel back when he tried to run in.
Illarion stepped toward me but as soon as he reached a point I thought was too far, I locked onto his mind and stopped him. His eyes widened as my grip on his mind took hold. I forced him down and he dropped to his knees.
‘Look at me, Ila! Does this body turn you on? Am I as beautiful as Anna?’
His eyes widened and his breath froze in his chest. Like a train obliterating a stranded car, he stopped.
This time I stepped forward. ‘Am I what you want? Or is she?’
When he didn’t reply. I laughed and ignored the fierce tears streaming down my face.
Numbness settled deep in my heart and I did the only thing I knew would bring forth some sort of feeling. I reached down for my arm and scratched as hard as I could, I ripped and tore at the already fragile flesh letting the blood free from my veins.
‘Stop!’ he shouted, finally finding his voice. ‘This isn’t you!’
He tried to move, he was fighting me. A shrill, hollow laugh escaped from my lips. A laugh that was too cold to belong to me.
He was no match, he couldn’t beat me, he wasn’t as strong as me, no one was as strong as me.
The Darkness spread through my veins reaching my fingertips. Like it was finally free after being locked up and hidden for so long.
He pleaded over the laughter and I stepped over the discarded clothes at my feet and gently ran my fingertips across his face.
Instantly, he fell forward, his arms breaking his fall as a yell erupted from within him.
‘Ace!’ Daniel yelled from behind Illarion’s screaming fo
rm.
I crouched beside him and ran my hand over his heart. He jolted, trying to jerk back as his shouting turned into gargled moans.
‘You’re killing him!’ Daniel shouted again. But he was at my mercy too, he wouldn’t be able to move, he wouldn’t be able to break through my hold.
Before I reached down for Illarion, he reached up for me; he wrapped his hand around my wrist and forced my eyes to his.
‘Look at me,’ he stammered, through gritted teeth.
‘Let me go,’ I hissed, trying to pull free. But his hold on me was strong. Too strong. My eyes widened.
‘Look at me, Ace, let it go, let the Darkness go.’
Desperately trying to pull my hand back, and break free from his gaze, I froze. The Darkness was dying… it was dissipating… what the hell…?
‘Let it go, Ace, let it go… you can do it… let it go. You don’t want to do this, remember how you felt last time, think of how it consumed you. Let it go.’
His voice broke on the last word and so did my hold.
I stammered backwards falling hard into the carpeted ground.
Seconds later, he was by my side, holding my face in his hands.
‘Ace?’
A shaky, breathless cry left my lips as I looked across at him and at Daniel’s wide eyes and then down at my body.
‘Ila?’
Quickly, he reached down and picked me up wrapping a robe around me.
‘Okay, you’re okay, breathe, Ace, just breathe.’
Breathe? I didn’t know what he meant until I realized I had been holding my breath. I sucked in all the oxygen I could until the tears came and threatened never to stop.
‘You’re okay, just keep breathing.’ He stood, carrying me over to the small armchair he’d slept in last night.
He left for a moment and returned with a glass of water. ‘Give us a minute.’ He turned to Daniel who reluctantly shut the door.
My eyes were glued to the spot where Daniel’s face was, just seconds ago.
Illarion knelt in front of me, scratching the back of his head.
Slowly, he handed me the water and when I didn’t respond he gently took my hand and wrapped it around the glass.
‘I nearly killed you…,’ I whispered, my tongue was heavy.
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