‘You weren’t you,’ he said quietly, rubbing his hand on my knee. He took the glass from my hand and placed it on the small table beside the chair.
‘I would have killed you if you didn’t fight back.’ I finally found his eyes. ‘Oh God, Ila, oh my God, I could have killed you.’
‘You didn’t mean it, you’re okay, that’s all that matters, stay with me. Just focus on right now.’
Before I could say another word, his lips were on mine, and that familiar feeling I could never forget no matter how lost it got in my memories, brought me right back to the man I loved. The man who believed in me. The man who would never let me lose myself.
I reached for him and deepened the kiss as he pulled me down, into his arms.
When he pulled back, he let his lips hover for a moment until he finally brought his forehead to mine.
‘I promised you once, that I’d never let you lose yourself. I won’t break that promise.’
I closed my eyes and tangled my fingers through his hair.
‘Whatever it takes, Ace, we’ll get through this together.’
Chapter Thirteen
Ace
Convulsions pulled me from my broken sleep, forcing me up and out of the bed. When I reached the bathroom, I slammed the door and locked it, shutting Illarion out.
He tried the doorknob and when it didn’t work, he knocked on the door impatiently.
‘Let me help you.’
Ignoring him, I gripped the toilet bowl and threw up the soup from last night, or earlier today? I had no idea.
The days were all blended into one big mess.
Rubbing my sweaty face, I closed my eyes and ignored the tears that were wetting my cheeks as the strain overpowered me.
‘Please, Ace.’
His voice was muffled by the door, but his emotions were coming through a lot clearer now. The longer I was off the Serum, the clearer I felt everything else. Including the elusive presence in his heart I had trouble breaking through before.
I reached up, flushed the toilet, and slowly crawled back to the door, unlocking it. I didn’t even bother trying to stand though I wondered whether I had the strength to get up even if I wanted to.
Illarion knelt beside me.
He cupped my cheek, tilting my face up to his.
His emotions were flashing through the room like a fireworks display. I didn’t have to try to get a read on his emotions anymore. I didn’t even have to try to look into his mind. The connection was still weak, and my Senses were still weak but, now, after the hell I had been through, I was completely evolved. Everything was stronger and better now though there was some fine tuning needed.
He pulled me up to my feet and led me to the bedroom.
‘What time is it?’ I murmured.
‘Just after seven, you slept through most of the night.’
‘First time in a while.’
He sat beside me, letting me have my space. Apprehension stopped him from moving closer.
Turning my head, I found his eyes.
‘God, Daniel saw all that last night.’
He brushed his fingers across my knuckles.
‘I spoke to him.’
‘He doesn’t know anything about the Darkness… or me and what I am, not really.’
He leaned back, resting his head against the wall. ‘He was scared, but I explained what I could.’
‘I’m a freak.’ I copied his action and leaned back.
‘You’re not a freak, you’re incredibly powerful, Ace.’
Groaning in frustration, I shook my head and ran both hands through my hair.
He was still leaning against the wall but his eyes were roaming across my body. A line in his jaw feathered as he looked over me, glancing across the marks on my skin and the most recent scratches.
‘I could have killed you, Ila, this isn’t safe for you. I’m dangerous.’ I got up, surprised that I had the energy to do so.
His lip quirked into a half smile and before I could decipher the gesture, he was towering over me.
‘I know you’re dangerous.’
Something about the look in his eyes made my breath catch. I bit down on my lip and forced myself to drag my eyes away from him.
I might have been through hell and I might have been a shadow of my former self, but my heart and my body remembered exactly who I was before. I remembered how I felt around Illarion, I remembered how my heart raced when his eyes found mine. I reached for him, instinctively, grazing my fingertips across his cheek and when he pulled back, I stepped closer and closer until he was backed up against the wall.
My hands found their way to his forearms, and I trailed my fingers up slowly across his taut skin feeling every muscle as he tensed, he was terrified. He was trying so hard to remain in control.
‘Ace...’
His voice was thick. He was questioning himself, what he wanted, what he needed.
Stepping closer, I looked up into his dark, hooded eyes.
Every thought that ran through his mind was conflicting. A shaky breath left his lips as he drew me closer against his chest.
‘Ace, we shouldn’t.’
‘I know what you’re thinking….’ I closed my eyes feeling his heartbeat against my cheek.
Illarion tipped his head back, sighing loudly. ‘We can’t do this.’
Choosing to ignore what he just said, I traced my fingers along the hem of his shirt, dancing closely to the edge, a few inches up and I’d feel the ripples along his taut stomach, a few inches down….
He put his hand over mine, pressing it flat against his stomach.
‘Don’t.’
‘I need this.’ I fisted a handful of fabric from his shirt and pressed my forehead to his chest.
His heart raced and in a quick, precise movement, he wrapped his arm around my waist and turned us around, swapping positions.
‘I know you do.’ He bowed his head bringing our foreheads together. ‘God knows I need it. But we can’t, you know we can’t, Ace. You need time.’
‘I keep seeing his face.’ The tears burned behind my eyes. ‘I want to forget, I want to feel you, I want to see your face.’
‘Ace….’ his voice was so quiet I barely heard him.
‘Make me forget,’ I whispered, cupping his cheek, forcing him to meet my eyes.
At last, his lips found mine. He kissed me deeply, carefully and with such passion that every single touch and every single kiss sparked a flame within me.
His pain coursed through me morphing with mine, but deep down the pain was slowly getting chased away by something else: hope.
Slowly, he cupped my cheek and deepened the kiss, my body responded as it always had, it remembered every touch and every pulse of electricity that shot through us, and in that moment, nothing but Illarion was on my mind.
He pressed one hand above my head, against the wall while his other snaked behind my back lowering slowly until it was resting on my hip.
‘Are you sure?’ His voice was so soft, so quiet I had to strain to hear him.
His hot breath danced on my lips as his hips pressed into mine.
‘Yes.’ I managed a breathless response.
He didn’t waste another moment before he picked me up and carried me over to the bed, a silent moment of apprehension coursed through him before he gently lowered me onto the sheets.
Before he could say another word, I tugged at the button on his jeans and, in no time, I had him where I wanted him.
My legs tangled with his, rapidly drawing our bodies together and closer, his breaths became short and staggered against my cheek as I let his hands roam my body, feeling every inch of me.
As I reached down for the band on his Calvin’s, he pressed his hot cheek against mine, drawing in a ragged breath and stopping my hands.
Before I could reach up for him, he pulled back and remained hovering above me.
‘What’s wrong?’ My raspy voice broke the silence, stilled only by the dark, stormy look in his
eyes.
‘We can’t do this, Ace, I can’t.’
‘Why?’
He removed himself from the bed and turned his back to me. He ran his hands through his hair as he stood, his body tense.
‘Ila, look at me,’ I said, standing.
I wanted to be firm, I wanted to keep my voice level, but I couldn’t. Every word was heavy on my tongue and every breath seemed to break my barrier.
‘Ila. Is it because of him? Because of what he did to me?’ My words were barely a whisper.
He shook his head and crossed the space between us coming to stand right in front of me.
Our bodies were close, so close.
He brought his hands to my cheeks.
‘Nothing he did could make me stop loving you. Or stop wanting you. But this, it’s too soon. You’re afraid.’
When I tried to shake my head in protest, his hands held me in place.
‘I can see it, every time you look at me, Ace.’ He closed his eyes for a moment, and for a moment, I stood silent. ‘Whenever I touch you….’ His voice broke.
‘Ila….’
Shaking his head, he traced his thumb along my cheek. ‘I know you’re afraid, I don’t blame you, I never should have done this.’
‘Please, please don’t go.’
He lowered his lashes, looking at me through wet eyes.
‘I need this, Ila.’
He brought his hands down to my biceps.
‘I need this too, God, you have no idea. To feel your skin on mine, to feel you, to kiss you… but, when I look into your eyes, there is so much fear, Ace.’
‘I’m not afraid.’
‘Maybe you don’t think you are. But I see it, I can feel it. Ace. I can’t look into your eyes and see that fear when you look at me.’
‘Ila. Please.’
He captured my hands in his and brought them to his lips. He kissed my knuckles and then he drew back.
As his eyes moved away from me, a sudden, heart wrenching thought floored me. What if it wasn’t me, or the things that happened? What if it was who? Who had been there when I wasn’t? And that thought broke me
‘I need some air,’ he said, quietly, taking a step back.
I moved toward him but he was quick.
In a matter of moments, he had his jeans and t-shirt back on and seconds after that, he was gone, leaving me on my own.
Dropping into the bed and pulling my tank top back on, I buried my head into the pillow. Seconds, it had only been seconds, but that’s all it took.
The look on his face burned through my mind. How could I pretend that the last six months of my life hadn’t happened and pretend that it was all a bad dream? How could I pretend I hadn’t just felt his rejection?
Whatever I was sure about somehow seemed wrong; whatever I told myself was somehow a lie. I didn’t know anymore. Illarion tried to tell me that it wasn’t Anna or what happened to me and I tried to let myself believe it.
And round and round it went. Day after day, everything following became a jumbled mess.
Days went by and I was on repeat, never really stopping, never really believing what he said.
Illarion became more and more concerned, his constant attempts to draw me out, failed continuously and, eventually, even Daniel stopped trying to pry me from my room. He’d said something about me becoming withdrawn and that it was normal, that I needed time to process it in my own head. I don’t know what happened but, ultimately all I could do was stay in my head. I was oblivious to anything going on outside of the little cocoon I’d built myself.
And so, it went on. Days turned into nights and eventually two weeks had gone by.
Illarion tried to talk to me, Daniel told him to give me space, they’d argue, and I’d sit like a robot, starting into nothingness.
‘We have to leave,’ Illarion said, kneeling in front of me taking my hands into his.
Attempting to blink through the haze, I nodded, keeping my eyes straight ahead.
‘Look at me.’ His voice was soft on my ears but it echoed loudly.
When I didn’t respond, he gently tilted my head up with his fingers. ‘Please. It’s not safe here anymore.’
When even that failed to get my attention, he let out a long breath and squeezed my hand.
‘I know you don’t want to go anywhere with me right now, but we have to leave. There’s been chatter about Dalca’s movement.’ A desperate edge in his voice caught me off guard.
He bowed his head. ‘Please, Ace, we have to go. We’ve stayed as long as we can, I didn’t want to move you until you were feeling better, but we can’t stay here anymore.’
‘Daniel…’ I managed to whisper.
Nodding, he drew my attention back to him.
‘Daniel is coming with us.’
‘Where are we going?’
‘Home.’
Chapter Fourteen
Ace
As the morning sun broke through the last traces of night, we stood at the front of the motel room, bags in hand, ready to start our trip home.
Illarion took all the things we’d packed and stacked them neatly in the trunk of his Hummer and as soon as we were seated he began the drive home to Long Island.
About an hour in, Illarion handed me his phone.
‘Aurel would love to hear your voice.’
He hadn’t told him. I turned my attention ahead.
‘I thought it’d be best coming from you,’ he murmured, returning his attention to the road.
My heart stammered, I looked down at the phone, his number was already up and all I had to do was press call.
After a few moments deliberating what I would say to him, I swallowed back the nerves and pressed the phone to my ear.
A few, quick rings later, which honestly felt like an eternity, I heard the familiar voice.
‘You better have a really creative excuse for ignoring my calls for the last three weeks.’
‘Is seeing me, a good enough excuse?’
The silence on the other end enveloped me.
‘Ace?’
Closing my eyes, I exhaled.
‘Yeah.’
‘How? Ace, what…?’ His voice broke.
‘It’s a long story… but I’ll tell you when I see you.’
‘Are you coming home?’
‘Yes,’ I whispered. ‘I’m coming home.’
He laughed and the full sound warmed my heart.
‘This is….’
‘I know,’ I whispered back. ‘I’ll see you soon.’
A moment of silent understanding passed between us before I ended the call and placed the phone back in the glove box.
‘He’s missed you, a lot.’
His voice was thick, and I understood what he meant and I also understood how hard it was for him to say it out loud.
We’d never really spoken about it; I’d read it in his letters. He told me how much Aurel cared about me, but this was different. He was worried that Aurel held a place in my heart that he no longer did. I wanted to tell him how ridiculous he was being, but something inside me stopped the words before they came out.
I wasn’t going to lie. I couldn’t. Something had changed between us. Not just because of the hell I’d been through and not just because he couldn’t stop seeing the fear in my eyes. But I had changed. And it scared the hell out of me.
‘He’ll be happy to see you.’
The words hurt him but he did a good job hiding the pain, mostly. I had to give him credit. If this conversation took place before… before all of this. He would have hidden it well. Now, there was nothing that I couldn’t see, or break through or feel.
Daniel shifted in the back. Man. How could I have forgotten that this was obviously hard for him, too?
He was uprooted, pulled out of his own home. I rubbed my face and turned back to look at him.
‘Is there someone you want to call?’
He smiled but shook his head. ‘No family here, but I’m fine, I’ll be alright.
’
‘You always have a place with us, you know that right?’
His lips quirked into a smile. ‘Thanks, guys.’
Illarion caught his eye in the rear-view mirror and gave him a quick nod before bringing his attention back to the road for yet another long stretch of silence.
As the drive reached the ten-hour mark, and the sky grew dark, I heard Daniel’s breathing deepen and even out when he fell asleep. I leaned back in the leather seats and turned my head to Illarion.
‘You’re wrong,’ I whispered, closing my eyes.
I heard him shift and turn his head slightly.
‘You think I don’t love you, at least not the same way. Because of everything that happened.’
I opened my eyes and found his dark ones.
‘Ace… I didn’t….’ He stopped and took a deep breath.
‘I know I’ve changed. I get that I’m not what you remembered. But inside, who I was, how I loved you… that hasn’t.’
The sigh that left his mouth was a painful one. I was numb. I could admit that. I surpassed the torrent of emotions that raged through me and now, well now there was nothing.
I turned my head back and leaned against the headrest again.
‘Ace-’
‘You don’t have to say anything.’
We drove in the dark, silence thrumming between us.
Somewhere between Washington and Baltimore, he reached over and took my hand.
‘I never meant to make you question my feelings for you.’
‘I didn’t.’ I kept my eyes straight ahead.
That wasn’t the complete truth. I questioned a lot of things, but I couldn’t let myself feel what I knew was lurking deep under the shield of numbness. That and the rejection.
‘Talk to me.’ His voice was firm, but I felt it, for the first time. He was afraid of what was left.
The lump in my throat doubled.
He squeezed my hand, and I didn’t have to look at him to feel the apprehension coursing through him. He didn’t know who I was anymore.
I pulled my hand free and folded it across my other hand in my lap. I ignored the pang of pain as it shot through him but he kept his hands to himself.
He gripped the wheel tightly, his knuckles blanching under the pressure. He was furious with himself, angry that he let me down, not only now, but when I was with the Taker, when he didn’t come sooner. When Daniel had to be the one to get me out, when he failed as my protector, my partner, the man who loved me. I wanted to stop all his thoughts and tell him that none of this was his fault. But again, something inside me stopped the words.
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