The Chicktionary

by Lefler, Anna

  Sex, noun

  Intimate and/or erotic interaction involving at least one other human being that falls into a variety of categories that include but are not limited to the following: 1) interaction that you want but can’t get, 2) interaction that is plentiful but that you don’t want, 3) interaction that you got but now wish you hadn’t, 4) interaction that you withheld but would like another shot at, 5) interaction that you provided but feel in hindsight was not your best work, 6) interaction you are purported to have provided but have no memory of and therefore stringently deny.

  Sexting, noun

  A term created through the combination of “sex” and “texting,” sexting is typically associated with teens and is the practice of using technology such as a cell phone or PDA to disseminate sexually explicit messages or photographs of yourself when you simply don’t have time to run around and flash your boobs in person to everyone in your school. An organizational boon for today’s students who are busy juggling homework, after-school activities, and household chores, sexting technology allows young women to organize and manage lists of the boys who would like to receive dirty talk/naked photographs, and making it easy for young men to keep track of classmate porn while staying current on their studies.

  Shagreen, noun

  Also known as “shark leather,” shagreen is a type of leather that historically was made from horsehide, but the term currently refers to leather made from the hide of a shark or ray. Known by its distinctive pebbled texture, shagreen was once a popular material for use in covering sword hilts to ensure a nonslip grip. The term is now known by many women as an exotic material used in making a variety of accessories, particularly luxury handbags. Unlike other fragile exotic materials, however, shagreen is tougher than a Hell’s Angel who just quit smoking, earning it the nickname “Kevlar-from-the-sea.”

  Shopper’s Block, noun

  If you’ve ever gone from store to store, flipping through rack after rack and browsing one display after another without the slightest spark of interest, you’ve experienced shopper’s block. Estimated to have affected almost every female at least once in her consumer life, shopper’s block can appear out of nowhere, striking down normal retail activities while instilling a rising sense of panic that you’ll never be interested in buying anything again. A particularly pernicious form of shopper’s block can be triggered by a specific retail task, such as the need to buy a gift for an occasion, at which point sufferers find themselves staring listlessly at a wall full of gift cards, tormented by the rapidly fading memories of their past gift-giving glories.

  Shopping Jihad, noun

  A relentless pursuit to track down and purchase a particular item, no matter what lengths or methods are required to secure it in the desired size and color. The shopping jihad can be parsed into numerous subcategories such as shoe jihad, jean jihad, etc. Once launched, the shopping jihad cannot be called off except by a store assistant manager who is authorized to offer a comparable’or better’item at deep discount.

  Shoulder Pads, noun

  Making their most recent trend appearance in the eighties, shoulder pads seemed to appear like mushrooms in virtually every woman’s garment until they were finally eradicated in the mid-nineties. The era of shoulder pads reached its literal and figurative peak during the run of the vintage nighttime TV soap Dynasty, which portrayed its female characters clad in glittering gowns and luxurious, trapezoidal suits, all of which were stacked with enough foam in the shoulders to build a sofa bed. Aside from the oddly beefy stature created by shoulder pads, an additional downside existed in the undesirable migratory habits of “loose” pads that tended to peek out of sleeves and necklines no matter how aggressively they were anchored.

  Size Doesn’t Matter, phrase

  Arguably one of the two most powerful and useful phrases in any woman’s arsenal (see also: it happens to everyone), size doesn’t matter is one of those unusual phrases that both the teller and tellee desperately want to be true. An integral part of the complex emotional bargain that underlies all male-female relationships, size doesn’t matter is the corollary issue to the female quandary: does this make me look fat? As the man and woman address these two issues and reassure their partners with the most convincing fibs they can manufacture, the result is a beautiful symbiosis that has been keeping couples together since caveman times.

  Skank, noun

  A convenient, multipurpose term that includes but is not limited to the following definitions: 1. Any woman your current partner ever dated, slept with, or was married to (besides you). 2. Any women your past partners ever dated, slept with, or were married to (again, besides you). 3. That chick who was flirting with your boyfriend at the work party’the one who was wearing the same cocktail dress you tried on but didn’t buy because it made your butt look all tundra-ish but for some strange reason looked fantastic on her. 4. Any other woman who looks fantastic in that dress.

  Skinny Pants, noun

  Skinny pants are those pants in the back of your closet that fit great only on the heels of having dysentery or in the aftermath of stomach flu. Check it out, you think as you admire your butt in the mirror, I finally fit into my skinny pants! Skinny pants are the yin to the fat pants yang’two sides of the same, esteem-propping wardrobe coin. There is one critical difference in the use of these two garments, however, and it must be respected at all times: it is perfectly fine to put on your fat pants when you are not feeling particularly fat, however, it is never, never advisable to attempt to wear your skinny pants when you are feeling even the least bit bloated or pudgy.

  Skinorexia, noun

  Unofficial name for dermatillomania’a condition that causes relentless picking at one’s complexion. Afflicting nearly one-third of the population (mostly females), skinorexic behavior is often seen in women who also suffer from OCD, anxiety, and depression. Ironically, many women who have skinorexia do not have unusual problems with breakouts, but rather express other psychological stresses through behaviors that damage the skin. Similarly, although our living room carpet was perfectly clean already, we once went on such a vacuumorexia rampage while waiting to hear about a work promotion that in one spot under the coffee table, you can see all the way down to the padding.

  Skins, noun

  Short for exotic animal skins (faux, of course), the wearing of skins’or skin-print material’is a definite “look.” Not sure if the tiger, leopard, zebra, cheetah, or other exotic-animal motif is right for you? This question is worth careful consideration because the rule of thumb with skins’just as with plutonium’is that a little goes a long way. Many skins neophytes get their feet wet with, say, a leopard print belt or small zebra clutch to build up tolerance before moving on to entire blouses and, eventually, complete outfits. Others, however, leap right in with a giraffe-print jumpsuit and, whereas some women’s systems can tolerate this level of fashion shock, others make the newbie mistake of attempting a full-on Rudyard Kipling pile-on, resulting in a style stampede that may require a tranquilizer dart.

  Skort, noun

  Perfect for the woman whose lifestyle includes a lot of cartwheeling, the skort (a portmanteau of “skirt” and “shorts”) melds the femininity of the skirt with the modesty of shorts. Often erroneously confused with culottes (see also: culottes), the skort appears to be a skirt in the front (due to a clever little fabric flap) but reveals its essential shorts-ness from behind. The skort is typically short (often very short) and is designed for sporty activities such as tennis and hiking. Due to its flap front and nonflap back, the skort has been referred to as “the reverse mullet of women’s sportswear.”

  Skunk Stripe, noun

  Slang term for the line of dark hair that appears in your part when your artificially blonde hair color grows out and your darker, natural hair color becomes visible. It is worth noting that, decades ago, women would go to great lengths to hide the fact that they colored their hair. These days, however, the visible skunk stripe has become a style point all its ow
n, with some celebrities even requesting that their stylists intentionally produce the effect. This development has spurred hope among women that one day soon other formerly scorned characteristics will be embraced by popular culture and that fashion’s runways will be filled with models showing off their muffin-top implants and artificial chin hairs.

  Slumber Party, noun

  A female rite of passage, the slumber party, if done correctly, is so fun that you literally pee your pants with glee. Although individual practices may vary, the slumber parties of your youth that generate the happiest memories likely adhered for the most part to this classic formula: several pallets of junk food + awesome movies + sleeping bags + best girlfriends + Ouija board + gossip + spilled secrets + crank calls + shifting alliances + favorite songs + hair braiding + a long overdue falling out + more gossip + a rapprochement + totally staying up all night! = Best. Slumber. Party. Ever.

  Smally, noun

  An insignificant sexual encounter or interlude, as described by either gender. The smally is the fender-bender of the sexual thoroughfare, as in, “Yes, we bumped into each other but no one was hurt and then we both went on our way, leaving only slight impressions in one another.” Not to be confused with the one night stand (see also: one night stand), the smally is the ONS’s blander, forgettable sibling’the one that causes you to wonder in the middle of having sex whether your time would have been better spent sitting on your sofa and eating kettle corn while watching that bass fishing show.

  Smize, verb

  A portmanteau coined by supermodel Tyra Banks, to smize is to “smile with one’s eyes.” Before you scoff at this concept, you should know that for decades, psychologists have differentiated sincere smiles from insincere ones based upon the presence of crinkling around the eyes. (The crinkly ones are sincere, by the way. However, if you’re getting the uncomfortable feeling that your mom doesn’t like you anymore, you might want to check for Botox-induced interference.) Although smizing conjures a pleasant notion, it also raises the specter of other terms that combine body functions, such as “sprooty” (to spread one’s booty) and “weavage” (to wink one’s cleavage).

  Smoky Eyes, noun

  A term used to describe a style of makeup application that yields a sexy smoldering effect around the eyes that is highly prized by some women. Relying chiefly on shades of black and brown, smoky eyes comprise a dramatic look that is most fitting for evening as opposed to, say, your niece’s birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. As any makeup artist will tell you, the key to successfully creating smoky eyes is to know when to stop, as one brushstroke too many can make the difference between looking like a sultry vixen on the prowl and looking like you just removed the hood of your Batman costume.

  Sorority, noun

  Derived from the Latin word soror meaning sister, a sorority is an all-female organization found most often adjacent to and affiliated with a college or university. Like any social organization, sororities have vehement detractors as well as supporters. For every young woman in the so-called “Greek system” who credits her thriving collegiate social life with her sorority standing, there’s another who finds the spontaneous bursts of clapping and singing disorienting and detrimental to her study habits. For those outside the system, the veil of secrecy that shrouds much of the sorority’s activities feels exclusionary, but they typically console themselves by getting edgy haircuts, firing up their popcorn air-poppers, and complaining loudly in the dorm lounge about the STUPID CLUB THAT THEY WOULDN’T JOIN EVEN IF THEY WERE BEGGED.

  Spa, noun

  A terrifying facility where you are forced to slip into a freshly laundered robe then herded into a waiting area where you must lounge and read magazines containing articles with titles like “Three Smooth Steps to Relaxing into Your Calmer, Mellower Life of Balance” while sipping a cup of water that mysteriously has slices of fresh cucumber floating in it. Soon, a professional backrub-giver arrives and escorts you into a spotless chamber where rainforest sounds dribble from the ceiling and an aromatherapy candle flickers on the stone countertop. Thirty/sixty/ninety minutes later, you emerge from this room having been thoroughly lubed, kneaded, and unkinked, and are then led to any number of whirlpools and saunas where you are compelled to undergo further involuntary relaxation processing. Oh, please, don’t make us go to the spa. Please.

  Spackle, noun

  A slang term for foundation makeup that has been applied so thickly that it looks like spackle has been smeared onto the face. Although there certainly are times when the face staring back at you from the bathroom mirror is not the one you would have chosen for yourself and the desire to “erase” it and draw a new face on top of it can be overwhelming, this urge must nevertheless be resisted. As advanced as modern cosmetics are, no product is currently available that can completely obscure your existing face. Any attempt to do so by repeatedly troweling on foundation will be counterproductive and result not in appreciative glances but in fascinated stares.

  Spanx, noun

  Friend to women everywhere, Spanx are like the sister you never had’the one who would lend you her favorite jeans, keep all your secrets, and refer to you as the pretty one. Documented antidote to the super burrito, Spanx work tirelessly to conquer and contain any bulge, jiggle, or pooch they encounter, discreetly compressing any and all excess “you” into a dense, pressurized unit. Spanx have released the modern woman from the stigma of relying on the outdated underthings of previous generations of females (see also: foundation garment, girdle) while also pushing the boundaries of just how long a grown woman can go without taking a deep breath.

  Speculum, noun

  Known for its resemblance to a platypus’s beak (a really mean platypus, to be clear), a speculum is the metal spreading device used by a gynecologist to peer into a woman’s vagina. Known unofficially as “salad tongs” or “spoons of discomfort,” the speculum, along with the intriguing ratcheting sound it makes, is an integral part of the rich sensory experience known as the annual exam. Note: contrary to popular belief, the speculum is not, in fact, stored in the refrigerator.

  Spider Veins, noun

  Insidious little wiggly lines that can appear anywhere on the legs, instantly adding at least a decade to your age while causing you to seriously consider sleeping upside down like a bat to keep them from spreading. Available in either a reddish or bluish cast, spider veins are the precursor to the dreaded varicose veins, which, if left untreated, can turn your legs into a relief map of the Mississippi River and its tributaries.

  Spinster, noun

  Synonymous with old maid but slightly less derogatory, this term describes a woman who has reached an age at which women are expected to be married, and who as yet is not. Inherent in the word is the notion that the spinster has been “passed by” or in some sense left unchosen, kind of like being picked last for dodgeball, except it’s not dodgeball … it’s romanceball. Thanks to the evolving role of women and their stature in society, however, this word does not have much relevance in today’s world. Instead, the word most likely applied these days to a grown single woman of independent means would be “boss.”

  Split Ends, noun

  A hair dysfunction that occurs when the ends of your hair peel up from the bottom into two or more sections like string cheese. The only remedies for split ends are trimming them off or upgrading your genetic blueprint to prevent ever getting them in the first place. (Note: the latter remedy is not yet available to the general public.) You definitely knew a girl in school who spent her time finding and peeling her split ends. It grossed everyone out. She’s looking for you on Facebook right now.

  Sports Bra, noun

  A highly engineered athletic brassiere designed specifically for the purpose of arresting the bustline during physical activity. As anti-jostling technology and bounce-reduction materials become more advanced, the sports bra continues to evolve in design, both structurally and aesthetically. Regardless of these advancements, however, two aspects of the sports bra r
emain constant: 1) the sports bra molds your breasts into a single, pressurized unit (see also: uniboob), and 2) the sports bra is virtually impossible to take off without smearing your lip gloss into your eyebrows.

  Spray Tan, noun

  This term most often refers to a professionally applied fake tan (see also: fake bake), which can be received either in an automated booth or from an airbrush artist. Although the booth method offers the benefit of privacy during the application process, a custom coating from an airbrush artist spares the tannee from feeling like she is on the losing end of an intense paintball fight that happens to be occurring in a coat closet.

  Statement Jewelry, noun

  This category of jewelry is designed to grab attention with bold design, unexpected color, and/or big-ass size. The statement necklace, for instance, is the undisputed ruler of the outfit, refusing to let the eye be drawn away from its vibrant tones, structurally complex assembly, and, often, sheer bulk. Similarly, the statement ring, with its dramatic composition and manhole-cover dimensions, pulls the eye to the hand and keeps it there. Available at all price points, this type of jewelry is the perfect accessory for the woman who, regardless of whether she knows exactly what statement she’s making, wants it to come through loud and clear.

  Stepwife, noun

  Life is complicated, human relationships doubly so. Coining simple names for complicated situations goes a little ways toward making daily life more manageable. Thus, the term stepwife was born as a handle for both the ex-wife of your current husband and/or the “new” wife of your ex-husband (see also: wasband). Gone are messy labels like “the woman with the close-set eyes whom Daddy married after he deserted us,” replaced by the streamlined stepwife, which is economical while retaining a satisfying tinge of Disney animated villainess.