The Chicktionary

by Lefler, Anna

  Stirrups, noun

  Not to be confused with the foot holders that hang by leather straps from a horse’s saddle, these stirrups can be found at the end of your ob/gyn’s exam table (see also: gynie). Sticking out from the corners of the table like the arms of a robot in a hurry, gynecological stirrups are designed to cradle your heels while holding your legs apart during an exam or other procedure involving your lady parts. Thoughtful doctors add an extra layer of padding by slipping oven mitts onto the stirrups, the comfort of which frees patients from the distraction of the cold metal and allows them instead to concentrate on worrying about their personal hygiene.

  Stooge, noun

  A female who lacks an independent spirit and serves as a supplicant to someone with a stronger sense of self, most often a queen bee (see also: queen bee). The stooge is the worker bee of the female social hive, dutifully going about her assigned tasks as another’s henchwoman without complaint, never taking advantage of the fact that she could release herself from her servitude simply by telling the queen bee to cram it. Occasionally, however, a stooge will break loose from her typical persona and revolt, and when that happens … heads up.

  Strapless Bra, noun

  Second only to the push-up bra in the category of outstanding achievements in gravity-defying engineering, the strapless bra is a marvel of modern brassiere technology … when it works, that is. Whittled down from the old-fashioned corset, which relied on support from the entire torso to lift and showcase the bust, the modern strapless bra seeks to be sleek and minimal while providing the same support as its predecessor through the use of lung-collapsing pressure, nonslip treads, and rigid superstructure. In most cases, however, the only innovation that can keep the strapless bra from converting into an awkward belt at the worst possible moment is, well, straps.

  Strap-on, noun

  Who says you can’t have the best of both worlds? For the woman who wants access to a male “situation” without having to argue over the remote, there’s the strap-on, also known as a dildo harness, which allows a woman to wield male genitalia whenever she feels like it. Available in a mind-boggling array of configurations, colors, shapes, and materials, sophisticated strap-ons also have mechanical abilities that simply cannot be replicated in a traditional, analog penis. Whether you seek the thrill of expanding your sexual prowess or simply want to cuddle without the pressure of having to make small talk, it is a statistical certainty that there is an ideal strap-on out there for you.

  Stripper Shoes, noun

  A very specific category of women’s footwear favored by exotic dancers and porn actresses. Much like the decorative (and often rotating) platforms seen at auto shows and on game shows, stripper shoes are designed to catch the eye and showcase the wares. Noteworthy characteristics of these shoes include: 1) towering platforms (front and rear) or a front platform/rear stiletto combination, 2) construction from an unusual material such as Lucite, rubber, or clear plastic, 3) dramatic ornamentation in the form of charms, glitter, neon color, or animal stripe, and 4) a design that allows for quick and easy removal. Due to the extreme height of many of these shoes, it is fortuitous that most of the women who wear them have a pole (metal or otherwise) to hang on to for balance.

  Sugar Daddy, noun

  This slang term describes a man who is well-to-do and who makes a practice of financially compensating younger, attractive women for their romantic and/or sexual attentions. Not to be confused with the strictly commercial transactions that would be conducted with a prostitute, the sugar daddy models his interactions on traditional relationships, but seeks to “make up for” the discrepancies in age and physical attractiveness by providing lavish gifts of merchandise and currency to the younger woman. The continued presence of the sugar daddy relationship in modern society provides evidence that it is possible to buy a woman diamond jewelry so brilliant that it actually blinds her.

  Sweater Shaver, noun

  Okay, this thing is just plain cool. Have you seen one? It’s like this little tiny airplane engine with a propeller on the front, only the propeller is super sharp like razors and it’s behind a little protective screen so you don’t accidentally shave your thumb down to a stump or something. Anyway, you run it across the part of your sweater that has those bothersome little fuzz balls on it (you know, the ones that appear where your arms rub against the sides of your boobs) and brzzt they’re gone! Just like that! Also, we probably don’t need to say this, but it’s not a good idea to use your sweater shaver to trim your bikini line. Trust us on this.

  T

  Tacky, adjective

  One of the most commanding words of all time for expressing disdain. Unlike “lame,” “gross,” and other comparable disparaging comments, tacky carries with it a distinctly feminine shade of condemnation that’s virtually impossible to trump. Oh, sure, someone can tell you that your psychedelic caftan is butt-ugly, but just watch her crumble when you fire back that her metallic windbreaker is tacky. That’s right, you said it. Although some sources classify the word tacky as “retro,” studies have shown that the word has retained its potency through the decades.

  Tampon, noun

  One of the workhorses of Team Feminine Protection, the tampon is a small, compressed tube of super-absorbent stuff (Cotton? Rayon? Moon rocks?) that slips into the vagina and heroically holds back the flow of your monthly period (see also: Festival of Menses, Aunt Flo), effectively serving as the only barrier between you and social ruin. Although the basic function of the tampon remains the same across the board, the delivery method can vary from an organic applicator (a.k.a. your finger) to a compostable cardboard tube to a slick plastic applicator reminiscent of that glossy container they used when they fired Mr. Spock’s body out into space in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

  Fun fact Playful by nature, tampons love to leap out of your purse when you least expect it, especially when you are trying to find your wallet and pay the gorgeous actor/cashier for your soy latte.

  Tankini, noun

  A brilliant hybrid of the bikini (see also: bikini) and the tank top, the tankini serves as bikini with safety rails, or “training bikini” for women who are not quite comfortable with the barer look of the skimpier two-piece. Thanks to an ingenious flap of fabric that hangs from the swimsuit top and obscures most of the midsection, the tankini wearer can relax, knowing that if she forgets for one nanosecond to suck in her tummy or if she decides she simply can’t resist the chili-cheese fries on the pool’s snack bar menu, no one will ever know. Note: this style of swimsuit must be chosen with extreme care, as even the slightest miscalculation in sizing or design will cause an immediate shift in the minds of observers from tankini to maternity.

  Tanorexic, noun

  Combining the ideas of suntanning and anorexia, the term tanorexic refers to a person’most typically a light-skinned woman’who has gone to extreme lengths to obtain an alarmingly dark or unnatural-looking tan, either through obsessive sunbathing or ritualistic over-application of self-tanning products or processes (see also: fake bake). Tanorexics often sport an orangey, otherworldly glow that makes both pets and other humans uneasy. In severe instances, tanorexics’ obsession renders them unable to accurately assess their current skin tone, resulting in further suntanning or fake tan application.

  Tease, noun

  Shorthand for more colorful terms such as “prick-tease,” this is a label often applied to a woman with whom a man has had little to no success, sexually speaking. Well, of course she’s just a tease, right? After all, what woman wouldn’t swoon for a fellow who not only compliments her on her “awesome rack,” but goes to the trouble of asking the waiter for a second opinion? And who could possibly keep her panties on around a fellow who eschews the term “lovemaking” or even “sex” in favor of the phrase “put out”? Geez, he paid for more than half of dinner’what do you broads want from a guy, anyway?

  Thank You Notes, noun

  No one likes writing them, it’s true. In fact, it’s a
safe bet that no one actually “likes” receiving them either, right? Next to a mattress ad, thank you notes may be the most boring mail you receive. Where’s the news? Where’s the intrigue?

  Dear Aunt Mabel, thanks again for the bitchin’ toe socks.

  Who needs it? And yet, there’s something civilized, something genteel about the notion of putting pen to paper and actually forming letters with digits other than your thumbs. Gratitude in a nondigitized format? It’s charmingly old-school. Wait, it’s more than that. It’s analog.

  The Girls, noun

  An affectionate nickname for breasts, most often used by women, particularly in a fashion context, as in, “That top does a much better job than the other one of showing off the girls.” An appealing update to the stern “bust,” referring to your breasts as “the girls” gives the comforting impression that you’re not facing the fashion fates alone, but rather as part of a spunky team that includes two fun-loving companions who are always at your side (or, with the proper foundation garment, out in front of you).

  The Rachel, noun

  One of the most iconic hairstyles of the nineties, the Rachel launched a zillion layers as women stampeded to their hairdressers and demanded the cut that Jennifer Aniston sported for a portion of time on the TV sitcom Friends. (No, not when it was all ironed and pin-straight’that was later in the show. Hello?!? This was during the first season.) Named for her character Rachel, the bouncy, squared-off cut remains popular to this day, although Ms. Aniston remains an outspoken critic of it, calling it “ugly,” which just goes to show that we never know when we look good.

  The Sponge, noun

  A contraceptive device, the sponge works to prevent pregnancy in three ways. First, the sponge itself (once moistened) becomes a dense physical barrier that embraces the cervix like one of those stopper things that you put on top of a champagne bottle to keep the fizz in. Second, the sponge contains a spermicide that, upon contact with water, foams up like dishwashing soap, creating a sudsy trail of doom for any sperm foolish enough to cannonball into its tide. Last, any woman who has spent forty minutes performing a Cirque du Soleil—style contortionist act trying to grasp the little loop to remove the sponge will be inclined to be so hostile that she will be completely out of danger of any type of conception other than immaculate for at least a week.

  Thong, noun

  An ingenious yet potentially troublesome stealth panty, the back panel of which is designed to nestle between the bun cheeks like a garter snake between two cantaloupes. Also known as a T-back, whale tail, and the great divide, the thong is prized by most for its ability to eliminate panty lines. Others, however, remain wary of the thong due to its tendency to grind on your coccyx like a cheese grater all the livelong day (see also: thong burn). Note: due to the thong’s inherent lack of real estate, it is recommended that you pair it with a pantiliner that has special adhesive flaps (see also: wings) or risk discovering the liner lodged between your shoulder blades at an inopportune moment.

  Thong Burn, noun

  An uncomfortable, raw sensation resulting from the repetitive rubbing of thong underwear against your coccyx. (No, that’s not a dirty word. You can look it up.) Thong burn has been compared to sitting sideways in a swing for hours on end. A swing that happens to be made of rope. Thong burn sufferers can be recognized by their tendency to work standing up at their desks while holding one leg out at a right angle and emitting a low moan. Also, they throw stuff.

  TMI, abbreviation

  An abbreviation for “too much information.” This is a concept that we find puzzling because, frankly, we want to know it all. Your boyfriend’s twisted bedroom practice? Bring it. Your mother-in-law left what in your bathroom? Tell us more! Since your liposuction procedure, your butt-cheeks are oddly asymmetrical? Let’s have a look at ’em. Equipped with a powerful combination of resilience and nosiness, we are prepared to receive any information you care to share. Well, almost any. Your doctor says you need hemorrhoid surgery and they’re going to do what? Okay, ew. TMI!

  Toe Ring, noun

  The toe ring is one of those pieces of jewelry that, when glimpsed on another woman, makes you question your life choices. There you are, waiting in line for your lunch salad in the food court before trudging back to the office to eat at your desk, and you notice the sandals of the woman in line ahead of you. There, winking sassily from the second little piggy, is a tiny gold ring with a diamond chip. This is a woman who without hesitation peels off her bikini top on a French beach, whose main mode of transportation is perched on the back of a motorcycle while clutching the six-pack of the man piloting it. You look down and study your sensible pumps. Stupid lunch salad.

  Tomboy, noun

  A term that describes a female who does not adhere to behaviors that are generally accepted as being stereotypically “female.” In the classic sense, the image of the tomboy is that of a young girl who, rather than wearing a dress and sitting demurely under a tree, is instead wearing cutoffs and swinging from limb to limb of said tree. Note: many supermodels claim to have been tomboys in their youth and to have had no awareness of or interest in their beauty and other physical attributes. No one is buying this.

  Topiary, noun

  Not to be confused with full-scale Edward Scissorhands hedge-trimming, this is a fancy-sounding word for the practice of shaping your “hair down there” into various patterns, designs, and degrees of hairlessness. As new waxing fads and preferences continue to come into vogue, the possibilities for personal expression are just as numerous in your pants as they are on top of your head. Whether you opt for the utilitarian landing strip or the sexy/savage Mohawk/fauxhawk, your topiary style statement is sure to turn heads.

  Train Case, noun

  Although the train case has become a throwback in the era of lightweight, soft-sided luggage, there was a time when every woman of sophistication carried one of these when traveling’a smallish, hard-sided case with a handle on top that was never checked with the other trunks but rather carried in one’s hand. It served as the armored version of the handbag, toting those essentially female items that were necessities when away from home. As such, a man would be as enthused about looking inside a woman’s train case as he would be at the prospect of rooting around in his own intestines.

  Training Bra, noun

  It’s a very old joke that asks the question: “Training them for what?” Some training is going on, however, when a young woman straps on her very first bra, regardless of its size. It is she who is being trained for the lifetime of tugging, snapping, adjusting, and repositioning that lies ahead of her once she becomes a brassiere-carrying member of society. Gone are those carefree days of youth when the only thing between you and the other kids on the playground was a Wiggles T-shirt. Whether you know it yet or not, you have embarked on a quest for that Holy Grail of clothing items: The Bra That Fits You Perfectly.

  Tramp Stamp, noun

  An often elaborate tattoo on a woman’s body that is situated at the base of the back just above the buttocks. Those who possess these tattoos tend to select clothing that showcases them, such as low-rise jeans and cropped tops, thus inciting interest from men and envy from other women. It’s believed that this envy led to the disparaging association of the word “tramp,” because no one has ever seen an actual hobo with one of these tattoos.

  Trendster/Trendwreck, noun

  It’s a fine line between the trendster (the woman who manages to surf the wave of au courant styles while making them uniquely her own) and the trendwreck (the woman who instead get picked up by that wave and pounded facedown into the sand along with her fedora and her Ed Hardy T-shirt). A woman needs only to go one gladiator sandal too far to cross into trendwreck territory, where the fashion police (see also: fashion police) stand ready to issue a beat-down to those who ignore the rule of fashion gestalt: when it comes to trends, the whole is even tackier than the sum of its parts, especially those parts.

  Trophy Wife, noun

 
Usually the second, sometimes the third or fourth, but never the first wife of a man who is typically over forty-five, successful, and accustomed to the upkeep required on luxury acquisitions. Not to be confused with simply a wife other than the first, the designation of trophy wife most often signifies that several factors are present in the relationship, including the fact that the trophy wife is significantly younger as well as more attractive than the husband. In this way, the trophy wife serves as visible evidence of the husband’s need to deny his mortality while at the same time showcasing his impressive check-writing ability.

  Trout Pout, noun

  The unfortunate result of overzealous lip-plumping procedures that leaves your mouth looking like a talking bicycle inner tube. A number of methods of lip enhancement are currently available, and although the effects of some can be counted on to wear off within a few months, others are permanent and require surgery for reversal. Regardless of the procedure selected, lip enhancement must be performed with extreme finesse as it takes only a miniscule miscalculation to reveal one’s inner fish. Though often mocked, the trout pout is also considered a mark of affluence within certain social strata.

  Tunic, noun

  Part camouflage (see also: butt protector), part retro-chic silhouette, the wearing of a tunic, if it’s properly embellished and appliquéd, can suggest that you often spend weekends in Monaco with a Greek shipping tycoon. Or, if that’s a tad out of reach, the tunic can at least believably land you in the Poconos with a junior partner of an insurance brokerage. A timeless piece in any girl’s wardrobe, the inscrutable tunic keeps people guessing by sending the dual messages, “Look how elegant I am in my tunic and white slacks,” and, “You know, in a pinch, I could get away without wearing any pants at all.”