The Chicktionary

by Lefler, Anna

  Turkey Neck, noun

  The dreaded slack skin or “waddle” under the chin and along the front of the neck that can appear either genetically or as a result of aging. Notoriously resistant to topical creams and scrubs, it is widely believed that the only lasting method for eradication of the turkey neck is a surgical neck lift.

  Fun fact The turkey neck, though despised by its owner, has the unusual ability, especially evident at a party or other social event, to catch the available light and hold it with a prismatic effect that bystanders find mesmerizing.

  Twi-hard, noun

  A combination of twilight and die-hard, this is the term that self-described fanatical fans of the Twilight series apply to themselves. Known for their (literally) undying allegiance to the hugely popular teen vampire books and movies, the Twi-hards can be recognized by their typical uniform of jeans, hoodies, UGG boots (see also: UGG boots), and a T-shirt that advertises the wearer’s allegiance to their vampire “team” of choice. Contrary to some expectations, the aforementioned hoodies may contain not only teenaged girls but also their mothers, who have become entranced by the world of Twilight as well, many of whom find themselves staring at their mates and wondering why they couldn’t have hooked up with a nice vampire who remembers to rinse out the tub after a bubble bath.

  Twi-tard, noun

  Derogatory label given to enthusiasts of the Twilight series by those who are not, shall we say, fans of the vampire stories. As every special interest group has its detractors, it is not surprising that the self-proclaimed superfan Twi-hards (see also: Twi-hards) would have their haters, ready to poke fun at their “Team Edward” T-shirts and “Yes, I’m a Twilight Mom” license plate rims. The Twi-hard/Twi-tard conflict is just the latest entry, however, in the centuries-old history of literary grudge matches, which notably include the so-called “Yawn with the Wind” agitators in 1939 and, in the early 1600s, the rabble-rousers who would cluster in front of London’s Globe Theatre wearing T-shirts that read “Romeo and What’s-Her-Face.”

  Two-Piece, noun

  Short for “two-piece swimsuit,” the two-piece category of swimwear encompasses everything from the skimpiest of bikinis (see also: bikini) to the most voluminous, skirted, pleated suit that happens to come in two parts. The difference between a one-piece and a two-piece is a significant one and carries considerable meaning in a woman’s swimsuit-shopping process. For the woman who wants to wear a two-piece but is comfortable with a little more coverage, this category serves an important function by expanding the definition of the two-piece swimsuit beyond that of the teeny bikini to include everything from the tankini to a turtleneck and jeans.

  T-Zone, noun

  The troublesome, T-shaped area on many women’s faces that insists on being oily while the rest of the face remains steadfastly arid. No doubt coined by someone behind a counter wearing a crisp smock, prismatic lip gloss, and a chip clip, the term T-Zone refers to your forehead (the top of the T) and the vertical stripe from your forehead down along your nose to your chin (bottom of the T). A very popular classification device used by skincare professionals to indicate appropriate cosmetic products, many find the use of the term T-Zone limiting as it does not take into account the particular challenges faced by women with oily earlobes (L-Zone), flaky jawlines (W-Zone), and, especially difficult to manage, the combination peeling noses/oily eyebrows (O-Zone).

  U

  UGG Boots, noun

  Omnipresent Australian footwear made from shearling and available in a variety of styles, the most popular being a tall, clunky boot. The subject of UGG boots or “UGGs” reveals a deep division within contemporary society. At times UGGs have reached such heights of popularity that customers have been wait-listed for months to receive them, however some people believe UGG boots to be the ugliest, most unstylish things to appear on feet since corns. It is suspected, however, that even the most vocal public detractors keep UGGs secretly stashed in the backs of their closets to wear around their houses on weekends.

  Underboob, noun

  Known as the new frontier of cleavage, the underboob is the seam where the underside of your breast meets your chest or, in some cases, your tummy. Certain conditions must be met before the notoriously shy underboob will make an appearance. First, you must not be wearing a bra. Second, your dress or top must be strategically sliced open to reveal your midsection or must have armholes that hang down to your kneecaps.

  Underwire, noun

  The underwire bra is the Clint Eastwood of brassieres. It’s not flashy, it doesn’t shout, and it doesn’t feel the need to explain itself to you, punk. After all, you both know why it’s there: you need some extra support and you’re sick and tired of being let down again and again by flimsy elastic. Well, aren’t you? Now that you’ve experienced it, you kind of like the feeling of security that comes from having that underwire around. Sure, it’s tough, but so’s the job. After all, just think of everything that’s riding on it.

  Uniboob, noun

  A dense yet aerodynamic mound formed on a woman’s chest when her breasts are mashed together into a single unit by the confines of a sports bra. Like the bow of a Lycra-sheathed ship, the uniboob slices through any atmosphere it encounters, remaining aloft in even the most inclement weather and serving as a guidepost to fellow athletes in the gym or on the jogging path. The uniboob can also be a convenient, secure place to stash your ID and keys during Zumba class.

  Unibrow, noun

  The fetching, caterpillar-like trail of hair that can extend horizontally across one’s forehead when no separation exists between one’s eyebrows (of which there are typically two). The unibrow presents a considerable challenge for women’particularly those with very dark hair’who wish to divide, reshape, and generally take command of their naturally robust brow, as the plucking and waxing required to take and hold that beachhead can feel almost constant. On the other hand, there are women who reject this kind of cosmetic pruning and instead embrace the rugged naturalism of the unibrow, its linear gloss shining from the supraorbital torus like a beacon.

  Unibutt, noun

  A solid, asexual mass created when one’s bun cheeks are tightly compressed against one another as a result of the application of extremely binding tights, ski pants, or elastic slimming devices (see also: Spanx). Not to be confused with old lady butt (see also: old lady butt), the presence of unibutt is not dictated by age, nor can it be predicted by socioeconomic factors. The “uni” prefix indicates that the once-dual bun cheeks have, in effect, been welded together into a single, unyielding unit that exhibits no evidence of past separateness and which may, as such, become the object of curiosity and fascination among observers.

  Unwedding, noun

  A ceremony that marks the end of a marriage, for better or for worse. Now that divorces seem to be as common as the weddings that lay the groundwork for them, there are those who feel this important occasion should be memorialized by more than a letter from the county clerk or the heaving of your formerly beloved’s golf clubs into the nearest gator-infested bayou. Enter the unwedding: a social occasion that marks the official end of the marital union.

  Fun fact The unwedding can be whatever the unhappy couple wants it to be, from an amicable farewell that pays respects to the couple’s life together, to what amounts to a relationship burial at sea from which either bride or groom is conspicuously absent while the guest of honor symbolically chucks his or her marital ties as well as emotional baggage overboard to the cheers of friends.

  Uterus, noun

  An integral part of the female reproductive system, the uterus is one amazingly versatile organ. Not only is it capable of dropping you to your knees with searing, spontaneous cramps, it also manages every month to produce more gore than a zombie-flick double feature. Then, just when you think you’ve seen it all, you become pregnant and the fist-sized uterus switches into baby mode, nestling that precious embryo and expanding to the size of a Mini Cooper as baby’s arrival date approaches.
Once the child is born, the uterus begins a gradual contraction to its original, compact size, a process that can take anywhere from two weeks to twenty-five years.

  V

  Vaginal Rejuvenation, noun

  Not to be confused with revirginization (see also: revirginization), vaginal rejuvenation refers to a number of surgical procedures aimed at correcting lifelong “design flaws” in the vagina and surrounding areas, improving the overall function and appearance of these areas, or returning the vagina and its surrounds to pre-childbirth condition. For many women, the benefits of vaginal rejuvenation surgery include relief from leakage during sneezing and laughing, a more aesthetically pleasing genital area, and enhanced sexual pleasure. Much like a home remodel, vaginal rejuvenation serves as an intimate overhaul that can make everyday life more pleasant’but hopefully this type of remodel will never spawn a reality television show.

  Vajayjay, noun

  This popular slang word for vagina (see also: hoo haa, lemony thicket, and VIP lounge) received widespread notice in a 2006 episode of Grey’s Anatomy and was subsequently used by Oprah Winfrey on her show, catapulting it into the popular vernacular. It is interesting to note the friendly, sing-song quality of vajayjay (a word that reminds us of one of those adorable Pokémon characters), which is in contrast to the often warlike pet names given by many men to their penises, such as Thor, love hammer, and Mr. Shock-and-Aw-Yeah!

  Vajazzle, verb

  A groundbreaking hybrid of crafts and erotica, this term is a combination of “vagina” or “vajayjay” and Bedazzler (the popular device used to splatter metal studs and rhinestones across T-shirts and tote bags). The process of vajazzling (see also: labia luster) involves the gluing of rhinestones in a decorative pattern onto the skin surrounding the, um, vajayjay. Note: in order to achieve optimum results, you must get a thorough bikini waxing prior to vajazzling, otherwise it will just look like someone spilled art supplies on your family room rug.

  Valentine’s Day, noun

  Like New Year’s Eve, the approach of Valentine’s Day brings on excruciating bouts of self-reflection, and not the kind that leaves you energized and ready to face life’s challenges, but which instead makes you feel demoralized and ready to cut off your poodle perm with pinking shears. Although close to a billion valentines are exchanged each year in the United States, there remains a 99 percent chance that the one you receive will not be the one you were hoping for. Other studies have shown that you have a 96 percent chance of being the recipient of a heart-wrenchingly sincere valentine card or (God, no) gift that will require a lengthy discussion involving phrases such as “just friends” and “like a brother

  to me.”

  Valet, noun

  A man in a little black vest who, no matter how many times you practice that Princess Diana swivel-then-stand move, is going to see your underwear. Like tides and taxes, the valet crotch-shot is an inevitable aspect of your time here on earth, as is the fact that you will be tipping him for the privilege of acting like you don’t know he’s taking your car through the In-N-Out drive-thru while you’re inside the restaurant slamming down appletinis with your girlfriends and complaining about your boss (who is a complete assclown, btw).

  Vibrator, noun

  An extremely popular sex toy, both for autoerotic stimulation (see also: masturbation) and for couples who are secure enough not to mind a little friendly technological competition. Available in a stunning selection of designs and stimulation levels, there is a vibrator out there that 1) hits you in the right spot(s), 2) uses your power source of choice (batteries or cord?), 3) is sized for your portability needs, 4) matches the décor in your bedroom, garage, etc., and 5) answers to any name you feel like screaming. Thanks to the Internet, you no longer need to slip into a seedy store wearing a wig, trench coat, and dark glasses and clutching a fistful of cash to get one. Unless, of course, that turns you on.

  Virgin, noun

  Strictly speaking, a virgin is a female who has never experienced sexual intercourse (see also: hymen, precious blossom). As history has marched forward, however, this meaning has expanded to include both genders as well as nonsexual activities, leading to terms such as clog-dancing virgin and Scrabble virgin. Inextricably linked with the notion of purity, the term can also be applied to inanimate objects that retain some aspect of innocence about them, such as a virgin daiquiri (unsullied by alcohol) and extra virgin olive oil (gathered from the olives’ very first’and hopefully gentle’pressing).

  Visor, noun

  An intriguing form of headwear that seems to appeal to the woman who likes the notion of having something on her head but does not want to commit to an entire hat. The visor is available in two styles: one that encircles the head and one that is shaped like a horseshoe and clamps onto the front of the head where its tension grip holds it in place (see also: migraine). Practically synonymous with the word “sporty” and very popular with the golf and tennis set, the visor works to shade your eyes from the sun while strategically leaving the part in your hair exposed for maximum sunburn potential.

  Vulva, noun

  The official name for a woman’s genitals and a surprisingly (or not so surprisingly) fun word to say. “Vulva.” See? Fun. As words for female body parts go, this is an appealing one, unlike some others we could name (see also: labia). Concise and economical, vulva covers the entire female genital “situation”’the whole enchilada, as it were. As handy as this term could be, however, you hardly ever hear it used in conversation, as in, “I believe I’ll purchase these crotchless panties so I can showcase my vulva.”

  Fun fact The plural of vulva is vulvae, which we happen to know has been used only once in the history of civilization, and that was by Mr. George Clooney.

  W

  Walk of Shame, noun

  The illustrious and unmistakable journey home in the morning following a one night stand (see also: one night stand). Undertaken at least 99 percent of the time by the female, the walk of shame is most notably marked by the wearing of clothing and accessories that are atypical for the time of day such as, say, a rumpled tube dress, metallic stilettos, and iridescent body glitter at 8:00 a.m. on a Sunday. Other useful indicators when identifying the walk of shame can include raccooned mascara, the presence of an evening bag, shoes dangling from the crooks of the fingers, downcast eyes, and a hurried, purposeful gait.

  Wardrobe Malfunction, noun

  A term coined by Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake after their Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime performance in which Justin “accidentally” revealed one of Janet’s breasts, which then “accidentally” seemed to poke every viewer in the world right in the eye. In the aftermath of the furor surrounding this incident of supposedly unintentional nudity, the term wardrobe malfunction has come to be a euphemism for flashes of nudity that are claimed to be accidental, but are, in fact, “accidental.”

  War Paint, noun

  A tongue-in-cheek term that refers to a woman’s makeup (see also: face) and alludes to the notion that she is gearing up to do battle with and/or capture a man. Associated mainly with the time period of the fifties and sixties, war paint draws a metaphor from Native American culture in which warriors would often adorn their faces with dramatic colors and patterns in order to appear fiercer to their opponents. It is unknown whether any of the Native American tribes also increased their fierceness through the use of a French twist and a smart Halston jacket.

  Wasband, noun

  Shorthand term for one’s ex-husband formed from the combination of “was” and “husband” and which comes packed with loads of tasty subtext depending on its inflection. This clever term is remarkably satisfying when used in everyday conversation, especially if you lean on the “was” portion of the word, as in, “There’s no way I’m picking up that call because the last thing I need right now is a conversation with the wasband.” Wasband can be considered the female version of the much less fun-to-say male expression “hex-wife.”

  Water Bra, noun
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br />   An ingenious brassiere that uses strategically placed compartments filled with water to give the impression that the wearer is much more endowed than she actually is. Although some bras of this type include compartments filled with gel rather than water, the mechanics of these two materials are the same in that they seek to duplicate the feel, heft, and appearance of natural breasts while augmenting and expanding the profile of the wearer’s natural bustline. Many women rely on the water/gel bra for figure enhancement, however, others remain wary of it, citing both the hazards of embarrassing leaks and/or spills, as well as the romantic fallout that can occur when an uninitiated partner reacts to the resounding thud with which the water bra hits the floor.

  Weave, noun

  The common abbreviation of “hair weave,” this refers to the practice of attaching portions of additional hair (either synthetic or human) to an existing mane for purposes of increasing length, volume, or a desired texture. Also referred to as “getting extensions,” this versatile process can be applied through a variety of sewing, weaving, gluing, and bonding methods and allows you to dramatically change your style length without a pesky “growing-out” period. Unfortunately, this hair-expanding process leaves evidence in the form of application rows or “weave tracks” that owners strive to keep hidden and that, upon caressing, may snag and spirit away such items as rings, wristwatches, and cell phones.

  Wedding, noun

  The much-ballyhooed Most Important Day of Your Life during which you can expect to experience emotional DEFCON-One roughly every forty minutes, starting with the discovery that they are jack-hammering the sidewalk surrounding the cliff-side lawn where the ceremony is to be held, continuing through the cluster of gold grapes inexplicably dangling from your bouquet, the wedding cake’s road-department orange icing, and ear-splitting feedback from the minister’s microphone during the vows, and ending with the inevitable outbreak of fisticuffs between your mother and stepmother. And also you get married.