Losing Us

by Jen McLaughlin

  I sagged against the pillows. They still smelled like her. Damn pillows. “I didn’t want you to worry.”

  She stood up and shifted her weight on her feet. “What really sucks isn’t that you didn’t tell me, or who you told before me, but that you feel that way at all. Because in the next few months, we’d see each other even less.”

  I swallowed hard at her use of past tense. As if it was already done, and it had been officially announced and everything. It hadn’t, and if I had anything to say about it, it never would. “I know that.”

  “But you don’t. Not really. The real issue is this: We can’t fix the thing you’re most upset about. If I was being bitchy, or you felt that I should call you more, then I could work on that. But I know my schedule, and you know yours, and it isn’t going to get any better. I can’t give you more.”

  “I don’t need more. I’ll be okay,” I said quickly, knowing where she was going with this. And I wasn’t going to let her go there. Fuck that. “And that other part isn’t true, either. We’ll have more time together in a year or so, because Rachel will graduate and go off to college.”

  “And until then, you live in Florida, and have to stay there most of the year, and I travel all over hell and back. And I spend most of my time here in Nashville.”

  She flexed her fingers and stepped back from me. It felt as if she did more than move away from me physically. I felt it deep in my heart, as corny as that might sound coming from me. Before I’d met her, I hadn’t even been sure if I had a heart.

  “We’ll make it work. It’ll be okay.”

  She shook her head. “It’s not. And we won’t. Soon, you will be travelling too. You think we’ll have more time together, but we won’t. Your album will take off, and you’ll become even more popular than you already are, and then you’ll be doing your own tour, which is great. You deserve all of that. But we’ll…we’ll fall apart even more. If you couldn’t handle this now, you wouldn’t be able to handle it then.”

  Shaking my head, I grabbed one of her hands in between mine. “No. I refuse to believe it. We can make it through all the craziness. I’m sure of it.”

  “I once was too.” She bit her lip and pulled free. “But now, I’m not. There’s a reason no relationships in Hollywood work. Singers aren’t spared that curse. And…and…you hurt me, Austin. A lot. You can’t just…I can’t…”

  “I know,” I whispered.

  “She texted you. That girl.”

  I winced. I hadn’t even realized I’d given her my number. “How do you know it was her?”

  “You saved her in your phone,” she said, her voice hollow.

  “I did?”

  Her gaze flickered over to me, then left again. She stared out the window. “You did. With a heart next to it.”

  Now I knew she was full of shit. I didn’t put hearts next to any goddamn thing. And if I were going to put them next to someone’s name, it would have been hers or Rachel’s. They were the only ones who had my heart in their hands. “The hell I did.”

  “I saw it.” Her eyes flashed angrily at me, but the rest of her face remained calm. “So…yeah. She wants you to let her know when you’re back in Florida, and she’s sorry she got you in trouble. She should have kept your night together a secret, like you asked her to.”

  I sat up and tossed the blanket aside. “I didn’t sleep with that woman. I swear it. You believe me, right?”

  But the thing was, I didn’t remember anything from that night. That’s how drunk I’d been. The last thing I remembered was drinking a little too much and spilling my guts. I’d thought I’d gone to my room to sleep it all off, but what if I hadn’t?

  What if I’d done the unthinkable?

  My gut churned at the mere thought. I wouldn’t have done that to Mackenzie, would I have? No matter how drunk I might be, or how stupid I’d been acting, I wouldn’t have thrown everything away like that. Not for one night of sex with a random girl.

  I couldn’t have.

  “I…I don’t know. But it doesn’t matter, really, what I think. It doesn’t change that you’re not happy with what I can give you.” She locked eyes with me. “It’s time to give up, Austin. I lost, because I couldn’t make this work.”

  “That’s not true,” I said, my voice cracking on the last word. I pinched the bridge of my nose and took a deep breath. My mind was all foggy right now, and I couldn’t think straight. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and we both know it. If there’s anyone at fault here, it’s me. Not you.”

  She straightened her spine. “No matter who is at fault, you need to accept that things have changed. We can’t go back to the way we were.”

  I nodded. The pain pills had hit my head, and the room spun a little. She had a bit of a halo around her that made her look even more angelic than usual. “I can deal with things changing and not being able to pretend it never happened. But I won’t stop reminding you of all the reasons we do work. Like how hard we make each other laugh. And how we are two halves that fit together into one perfect piece, and we both know it. And despite what I’ve done, you can always, always, trust me not to spill your secrets—good or bad. No matter what happens to us.”

  I snagged her hand and tugged her down to the couch. I half expected her to fight me, but she sat at my side, facing me. And she didn’t wriggle her hand free.

  If anything, she held on to me tighter.

  She looked so strong, sitting there with tears in her green eyes, her pink, desirable mouth pressed into a thin line, and her back ramrod straight. “Austin…”

  I forced a smile. “Ah, and when you say my name? I swear I hear angels singing. And when you smile, your eyes light up, and it makes me think I can do anything, be anything, and the world is at my fingertips…because of you. You showed me so much, Mac. So damn much, and you don’t even know it.”

  Curling a hand behind her nape, I urged her closer, silently begging her not to reject me. Her lids drifted shut, and she followed my lead. Before a few hours ago, it had been so fucking long since I’d tasted those lips. Felt her skin against mine. Lost myself in her arms. I was like an addict, aching for his next hit.

  I needed it now.

  Our lips touched, and she melted against me, all soft and supple and needy. And, shit, I needed her too. More than she’d ever realize. I yanked her on top of me, my lips moving over hers the whole time. She rested her hand on my chest, fisting my T-shirt, and moaned into my mouth.

  We made perfect sense, she and I. We fit together and made each other better. She made me better more than I improved her, but still. We were good for each other, and I’d never make the same rookie mistake I’d made before by opening up to someone over a bottle of Jack. Or getting drunk in public again.

  Even though most of that night was still a blur, I knew one thing for sure—I hadn’t cheated on my girl. No matter how worried I might be about shit, I had to believe I wouldn’t have done that to her. I had to.

  If she ever doubted anything in this world, she shouldn’t doubt this.

  Us.

  She pulled back, and I groaned, my fingers flexing in her hair. “Mac…please. I need you. I need you so damn much. Don’t pull away.”

  “But—”

  “I know I fucked up, and I know we have to deal with it. But tonight, just tonight, can we remember how much we love each other?” I ran my thumb over her lower lip. It was moist and swollen from my kisses. “Can you let me love you?”

  For a second, I thought she’d pull away. I even felt her start to. But then she stopped, her eyes locked on mine. This close, I could see the tiny gold flecks that no one else saw. I could see everything she was feeling because of me, because of what I’d done, and it scared the hell out of me.

  So I kissed her again, and I prayed like hell she wouldn’t pull away, because if she did, then we were over. Completely, utterly over.

  And I couldn’t handle that.

  AS HIS lips met mine, I closed my eyes and shut of
f my mind. Yes, I was doing the “right” thing by letting him go. But, God, I wanted one more time in his arms. One more time where I knew we were good, and we worked, before reality set back in. Before I let him go forever. So I shut my mind off and just felt.

  And I felt so much.

  Pain. Love. Sadness. Desire. It all intermingled into that one kiss, and it almost did me in. Almost sent me running for my room again, but I needed him as much as he needed me. Especially since I knew this would be our last time together. Tomorrow, the news would hit, and we’d be done. Officially. But tonight…

  We were together, and we could be together one last time. I’d already told him we were over, but I didn’t think he’d accepted it. He thought this was just about him being drunk and stupid, and it was partly because of that. But it was also bigger.

  Much bigger than he realized.

  Breaking off the kiss, I framed his face and sucked in a gulp of air. My head was spinning. “You realize this doesn’t mean we’re okay, right? I still stand by what I said earlier.”

  “I know, I know,” he said, smoothing my hair off my face. “So do I.”

  He closed the distance between us, his mouth touching mine again, and I finally let go of all the pain and fear. Shutting my eyes, I slipped my tongue in between his lips. He tasted as good as I remembered, like man and that unique flavor of Austin. My fingers tightened on his face, and I straddled him, groaning when his hard erection pressed against my core right where I needed him most.

  “Shit, Mac, I missed you so damn much,” he breathed against my lips.

  I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. Kissing him was making me feel better, but it was also making it harder in so many ways. Tears stung my eyes for what had to be the millionth time tonight, but I forced them back. Refused to let them out.

  Austin’s lips hesitated under mine, as if he knew how much this was hurting me, but I deepened the kiss. His hands lowered to hold my thighs, and he dug his fingers in as he arched his hips up. Pleasure rocked through me—the kind of pleasure only he had given me—and I moaned. With trembling hands, he grabbed my shirt and hauled it over my head. I lifted my arms and broke off the kiss long enough for him to tug it over my head, and then I did the same to his.

  When I grabbed his waistband and undid the button, he caught my hands with his own. “Are you sure?” he asked, those bright blue eyes of his pinning me down.

  I nodded, not speaking again.

  He let go of me, and I undid them, rolling them off his legs and tossing them on the floor. Standing up, I shimmied out of my pants and underwear, not wasting any time. I shrugged off my bra and stood there naked in front of him.

  His dark blue eyes flashed with heat. “Come to me. Now.”

  Obeying without a word, I climbed onto the couch and cupped his erection through his black formfitting boxer briefs. He was so hard and big under my palm. His tight abs—and the six-pack I’d never forget, no matter how many years passed—jerked with my touch, and his square jaw flexed.

  When I nipped the spot directly over his erection, right above the waistband of his boxers, he hissed and buried his hands in my hair. “Jesus. Mac—”

  “Shh.” I climbed over his legs, sliding my skin against his. God, I’d missed this. Missed him. And I was going to miss us so much that it just might kill me. “Let me.”

  His fingers tightened on my hair, but then he relaxed and sagged against the pillows. Taking that as a yes, I rolled off the last piece of his clothing and lowered my head to the tip of his shaft. Closing my eyes, I flicked my tongue over him. He tasted so freaking good, and I knew this was what I needed to do.

  I needed to have him, all of him, one more time.

  One last time.

  Closing my mouth around him, I slowly covered his erection with my mouth, swirling my tongue as I descended. A burst of curses exploded out of him, and he urged me closer. Deeper. Opening my mouth, I took more of him in. All of him. He cried out and pumped his hips up once, gently, and I rolled my tongue over him. I sucked harder, scraping my teeth against the head once as I pulled off. Moaning deep in my throat, I slammed back down, my fingers working over his balls as I did so.

  After all, I knew exactly how he liked it.

  “Fuck, Mac,” he said, breathing erratically. “Enough.”

  Without warning, he yanked me up by the hips, lifted me in the air, and lowered me on his face. I barely had enough time to gasp, or to process the fact that I was straddling his head, before he was moving his tongue over me. I grabbed hold of the couch arm, digging my nails in, and curved my back.

  Slowly, I moved my hips against him, losing myself in his magical touch. And when he slapped the side of my ass gently, just like I liked it, I closed my eyes as the orgasm took me by storm. It had been so long, too long, and my body had been more than ready. He flicked his tongue over me one more time, sending me skittering over the edge again. I almost collapsed against the couch, but I wasn’t done yet.

  And neither was he.

  He lifted me again, as if I weighed nothing, and set me down at his hips. I moved my legs, folding them behind me and on top of his thighs, and positioned myself right above his hard length. As I moved him where he needed to be, I rubbed my already sensitive clit against the tip of his penis, and I came again, harder than before.

  “Austin.”

  He groaned and as soon as I had him positioned at my entry, he thrust his hips up, hard, and entered me fully. I cried out, digging my nails into his chest, and tossed my head back. My hair trailed over his thighs and mine, and I rode him with a desperation I’d almost forgotten I could feel. I lost myself in the pleasure, and the need for more pleasure. But, beneath it all, was the fact that I was losing this.

  Losing us.

  “Mac.” He fisted my hair and tugged me down so our lips met. “I love you, Mac. I love you so damn much. I love you, I love you, I love you.”

  I nodded, closing my eyes. Looking at him hurt too much. “I love you too.”

  Because I did, with all my heart.

  As if he’d needed to hear that, he finally seemed to lose control. Rolling me beneath him, he lowered himself over me, cupping my face in his hands, kissed me, and pumped his hips hard and fast. His movements were harsh and hard, but his touch was gentle. Loving. I clung to him for dear life, for more than one reason, and kissed him back. I could feel the pressure building again, hard and fast, and knew it would only be a matter of time until he made me come again.

  He always did.

  Breaking off the kiss, he lowered his head and bit down on my shoulder, just hard enough to sting. The mixture of pleasure and pain exploded within me, and I went with it. Crying out, I bowed my back and came, stars exploding before my closed eyes.

  He moved inside of me once, twice, and then one last time. As he came, my name escaped his lips, and it sounded like a prayer. “Mackenzie.”

  I buried my face in his shoulder and closed my eyes, letting my heart settle back into a normal rhythm. He cradled me close, his weight still on me but not heavily, and kissed my temple. And then he did it again. I felt so cherished and safe, which was ridiculous because I was neither one. Not anymore. I memorized every single second of this moment, because soon…

  It would all be gone.

  THE NEXT morning, I woke up slowly. After our lovemaking session last night, she’d fallen asleep on the couch, with me still inside her. I’d carried her upstairs and laid her on her bed after pulling off her. She hadn’t even stirred. For a while, I’d stood there, watching her sleep. Savoring the moment.

  Something deep in the pit of my stomach said that we were done, and she’d never forgive me, but the stupid, hopeful, optimistic part of me argued. We loved each other, and we would get through this. We had to, damn it.

  I didn’t know which part of me was right.

  Not anymore.

  Turning away because it had hurt too much to look at her anymore, I’d gone downstairs, blown out all the candles, and carefully ma
de my way back upstairs to her bedroom. Part of me had been scared that she would wake up and tell me to find another room, but I’d climbed into her bed, and she hadn’t stirred.

  We’d slept wrapped in each other’s arms for the first time in longer than I could remember, and I’d slept more soundly than I had in months.

  Because I’d had her.

  In the light of day, that stupid, optimistic part of me came back to life. After last night, and what we’d shared, I was even more certain we could work through this. I’d be fine taking what she could give me, as long as she promised to give me all of her when she did come home.

  Even if that was only once a fucking year, I’d make it work, because I loved her. And, more than that, I needed her. I didn’t want to live a life where she wasn’t in it. I’d spent our whole time together trying to be the man who deserved to be at her side. The type of man who had fame and money and was okay with it all.

  Hell, I’d never been that guy, and I never would be. I didn’t even want to be famous. I’d only done everything I’d done to be good enough for her.

  And I’d failed.

  Opening my eyes, I blinked up at the white ceiling above her bed. Her comforter was pink, and the canopy curtains that draped over all four posts matched. Her white dressers had crystal knobs on them, and there were picture frames all over the room. Her deceased father. Me. Rachel. We were all there.

  It was so very Mackenzie that I couldn’t help but smile.

  She was still asleep, curled up against me with her head on my shoulder. Her hand rested over my heart, and I smiled even wider. Even in sleep, she knew it belonged to her.

  Even if she didn’t think she knew it.

  My phone vibrated on the nightstand, and I tensed. If it was that Diane girl texting me again, I’d fucking flip my shit. I didn’t know what I said to lead that girl on that night in the bar, but she needed to listen to the last thing I’d said to her, which was to leave me the hell alone or else.

  Being careful not to awaken Mac, I reached out and grabbed my phone. My fingers closed around it as it vibrated again. Jesus, what the hell was going on that I was getting a million notifications at seven in the morning? Blinking, I held the phone in front of my face and scanned the texts from at least six people.