Losing Us

by Jen McLaughlin

  Once the words sank in, my heart froze over…and then blinding pain pounded through the ice from the force of its increased beating. I had tons of messages, and they were all concerning the same damn thing. Something no one else should know about.

  Are you okay? Sorry things didn’t work out with Mackenzie.

  You and Mackenzie broke up?

  ARE YOU OKAY?

  How the hell did everyone know we’d gotten in a fight? And we hadn’t broken up, not yet. Hell, we were naked in bed together right now. And then it hit me…

  Diane had told everyone.

  That had to be it.

  And Mac was going to kill me when she found out. The rumors might become reality if I didn’t do something to fix this. She stirred beside me, and I cursed under my breath. I wasn’t being given any time to come up with a plan.

  As soon as those green eyes focused on me, I started talking fast. “I’m sorry, but someone told the press about our fight. And the whole world thinks we broke up.”

  She paled and pushed herself up, holding the sheet to her bare chest. “Austin—”

  “I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it was Diane, and you’re probably accurate in that assumption, and you have every right to be even more pissed at me than you already are.” I tossed my phone aside. “Another thing for me to be sorry for, I guess.”

  Biting down on her lip, she shook her head. Her hair was a frizzy mess, and it was adorable. I loved how soft she looked when she woke up. Like an angel, come to earth. “Austin—”

  I sat up, like she had. “I’ll call the media and release a statement to fix this. Let them all know that this is some big misunderstanding.”

  “But it’s not.” She twisted the sheet in her fists. “There’s nothing to fix.”

  “And I’ll—” I stopped midsentence, a cold rush of dread filling my veins. “Wait, what?”

  Her lids lowered, she whispered, “I did it. I told them.”

  I reared back, unable to believe she was saying this. Doing this. “But last night…we…you told them?”

  “I did.” She lifted her chin, staring me down. I felt almost two feet tall. “I told you yesterday that we were done. I thought you understood—”

  “Hell no, I didn’t understand.” I tossed the covers back and lurched out of bed, a sick feeling in my stomach. “We fucking made love last night. That doesn’t exactly scream that you don’t love me anymore.”

  “I never said that,” she said quickly, two rosy spots on her cheeks. “Never.”

  “Well, you’re breaking up with me,” I snapped, dragging my hands through my hair. I bumped my sore head, and I flinched, but otherwise ignored it. It was nothing compared to the pain in my heart. “That pretty much says it for you.”

  She shook her head. “That’s not true.”

  “Jesus, Mac.” I covered my face and took a steady breath, trying to make sense of all the emotions crashing through me. “Why? Because I fucked up one night and didn’t keep my mouth shut when I should have?”

  Her shoulders sagged. “No. That’s not the only reason.”

  “Then why?”

  She stared down at her lap. “Because that’s the way you feel. You don’t want to be with me anymore, because I can’t give you more. You just don’t want to admit it out loud to yourself, or me.”

  I let out a strangled groan. “We went over this last night. I know you’re busy, and I’m okay with that.”

  “No, you’re not!” she said, her even tone finally cracking as she raised her voice to me. Good. She should be yelling—and so should I. If we fought, maybe we could actually fix this mess. “And you wouldn’t have…you wouldn’t have kissed her back. I was there, Austin. I saw it all. Saw her boobs pressed up against you and saw the way your hand rested on her back, not pushing her away.”

  “No.” I shook my head. “I didn’t want her to kiss me.”

  She stared me down. “Yeah. You did. You didn’t move away, and you kissed her back. Held her for a second. I saw it. You’re not happy with me, Austin. Just admit it.”

  I glowered at her. I hadn’t kissed Diane back. Yes, I’d been slow to push her away, but only because a shirtless girl had thrown herself at me in my own dressing room. Of course I froze. I wasn’t used to this shit yet, and I didn’t like it. “Before I woke up to the news that my girlfriend dumped me, I was fine.”

  “If you were fine, you wouldn’t have told that girl you wished you could be free, and that you wanted to be able to enjoy your new life as a hot rock star.” She air quoted hot rock star with her fingers. “Your words, not mine.”

  I stiffened. “Bullshit. I didn’t say those things.”

  “You did. It’s in the article.”

  Throwing my hands up, I paced back and forth. “Oh, yes, because we both know how reliable magazines are in reporting our personal feelings.”

  “This particular one? Yes.”

  “Why?” I asked, stopping in front of her.

  Blinking, she lifted her gaze to mine slowly. “It’s the one that Diane sold. Everything else in it is stuff you said, so I believe you said these things too.”

  I swallowed back my automatic protests. I kind of, sort of remembered saying something like that, now that I thought of it. But if I had, then it had been the ramblings of a drunken man. “Even if I did, it didn’t mean anything. I was drunk.”

  She got out of the bed and walked over to her bag, gloriously naked. Any other day, I’d have admired the view, but not today. Not now. There was too much at stake.

  “So you keep saying. But that doesn’t make it any less true.” Reaching into her bag, she pulled out a magazine and flipped it open. “‘Rock star Austin Murphy—’”

  “Don’t.” I crossed the room. “Don’t you dare read that shit to me.”

  She jutted her chin out stubbornly. “‘Rock star Austin Murphy wants to spread his wings. Our source says he was spotted cozying up to a hot blonde in a bar down in Florida, while his country sweetheart Mackenzie Forbes tours the world alone. He’s quoted to have said, ‘I’m sick of always being alone. I miss her, and I miss being able to do what I want, when I want. Hell, I’m a rock star, but I haven’t been laid in months.’ End quote.” She threw the magazine at me, and I caught it out of reflex when it hit my chest. “There’s more, but I’ll let you read it for yourself. Maybe it’ll jog your memory.”

  I stared down at the magazine, my eyes locked on the picture of Mac and me smiling, with a jagged line drawn through it by the press. “I was drunk.”

  “I know.” She shrugged into a pink robe. “But you still said it, and you meant it. Just admit it.”

  “I didn’t cheat on you, and I didn’t want to. I—”

  She snarled. “Just admit it! You wanted to fuck her!”

  “So what if I did?” I shouted back. “I didn’t, did I?”

  “Are you so sure about that?” she asked, her whole body harder than stone. “You were drunk off your ass, as you said. You could have fucked her and forgotten.”

  “No.” I shook my head so hard my ears rang. “I couldn’t. Wouldn’t.”

  She stepped closer, her green eyes practically begging me to be sure. To know I hadn’t done that to us. “Deep down, to the bottom of your very soul, are you so sure?”

  I shook my head again, slower this time, and the doubt she was bringing back to life within me again hit the bottom of my stomach like a brick. Doubt in myself. Doubt I couldn’t seem to shake. I thought back to that night, to the loneliness I’d been feeling. I had been in a bad place, and had been for a while. It was true.

  But I wouldn’t have cheated on her, would I have?

  I shook my head and opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

  She cried out and covered her mouth, tears welling in her eyes but not escaping. “Oh my God.”

  “Damn it, I love you, Mac.” I covered my face, unable to look at her for another second. “I love you so much.”

  “No one said you didn’t.�
��

  “I didn’t... I wouldn’t have…” I tossed the magazine down. I hadn’t even realized I was still holding it till it poked me in the eye. “I have to believe I didn’t, because if I did, then I’m a monster. I have to believe—hope—that I wouldn’t do that to you.”

  “Your hope isn’t enough.” Her chin trembled, but she flared her nostrils and lifted her face to mine. Still, no tears escaped. In fact, they went away. “It’s not enough for me, just like I’m not enough for you.”

  Pain sliced through me. “Mac…”

  “It’s done. I’m letting you off the hook.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “You’re free to go fuck whoever you want, without me dragging you down.”

  “That’s not fair,” I rasped.

  “Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t.” She turned her back to me and lifted a dainty shoulder. “Either way, it’s over.”

  On autopilot at this point, I stepped into my jeans. As I tugged my shirt over my head, I swallowed past the throbbing lump in my throat. “This is what you want?”

  “I—” She hesitated, her hands gripping the robe she wore for dear life. Her knuckles were white. “Yes. It’s what I want. Your love isn’t going to be enough this time, Austin.”

  I nodded once, almost falling over at the pain that sliced through me, ripping me in half, much like that picture in the magazine had cut Mac and me apart. “All right.”

  A small sound escaped her, and she doubled over. “Okay.”

  “Mac…” I stepped up behind her, reaching out to touch her, but stopping short of actually doing so. My fingers twitched, but I dropped my empty hand back to my side. “I’m sorry. So fucking sorry.”

  “I know,” she said, her voice breathy and raw. “Just…just go.”

  I didn’t have a car, or a ride, but that didn’t stop me from walking out of the room barefoot, down the stairs, and out the door. She wanted me to leave, so I did.

  I’d hurt her enough already. I wouldn’t make it worse by hanging around, waiting for a fucking cab. As I walked outside, the clouds thundered overhead. It had stopped raining, but I had a feeling it wouldn’t last long. And I was right. It didn’t.

  By the time I reached the bottom of the driveway, the skies opened up. I didn’t break stride. I just kept walking, letting the rain wash over me. I wished it were so easy to wash off the pain, the anger, and the utter disappointment I had in myself.

  I wished I could slide down the gutter like the water and just disappear. It would be easier than this. Anything would be easier than loving, and losing, Mackenzie Forbes.

  Anything.

  THIRTY-SIX HOURS. That’s how long it had been since I told Austin to leave, and he’d left. As soon as he’d walked out the door, I’d dissolved into a sobbing, wet, snotty mess on the floor. And I hadn’t moved for hours. I’d been so sure that he hadn’t cheated on me, but when I’d asked him if he was sure…

  He’d looked scared. As if he wasn’t sure. And that’s when it had really hit me. That’s when I’d known, without a doubt, that I’d done the right thing. Austin was not a cheater, so if he’d done that to me, he must have been, without a doubt, as miserable as could be. He’d needed to be free. And I deserved better.

  We both did.

  But that didn’t stop the pain, the betrayal, or the agony. If anything, it made it worse. Once I’d been able to move, I’d struggled to my feet and realized two things: One, he’d left without his shoes. And two: He’d left his phone behind.

  At first, I’d thought he was in the house somewhere, waiting for a cab to come. But he hadn’t been. He’d been gone. He’d just…left. I’d gone outside looking for him, but there were no traces. Any trace there might have been had been washed away by the rain. I’d stood there, getting rained on, and had no idea what to do. He hadn’t taken his phone, so he wouldn’t be able to call anyone. He’d been injured the night before. He didn’t know Nashville. And he was barefoot.

  Even worse, I had no way to get to him. To find him.

  He was on his own.

  I’d gone back inside and sat on the stairs, waiting to see if he’d come back to the house for his stuff. Hours passed, and daytime turned to night. The power had whizzed back on, and I still didn’t move. I’d fallen asleep leaning against the banister.

  And he hadn’t come back.

  Now, we were both due to perform at Cracker Jack’s, and I didn’t even know if he would come. Or if he was okay. The worry was eating me alive. My driver pulled up to the venue, and I sat in the backseat, unable to move. Unable to face the new reality that was my life. Word of our split had stretched wide and far, and the paparazzi had been eating up the story. The only thing they’d been lacking was pictures of Austin and me looking miserable to finish off the story. And after tonight, they’d have that.

  If he even bothered to show up.

  I’d wanted to back out, but my agent had refused my request. Business was business, and the show must go on. All that bullshit they said to make us work. Well, it had worked. I was here. So were what looked like thousands of cameramen and reporters from every channel and news venue imaginable, just waiting for me to open the car door. When I glanced outside, I swore I even saw Ryan freaking Seacrest. But it was a trick of the eye—just another short dude with spiky hair.

  The question was…was Austin here?

  Pulling out my signature cowboy hat, I placed it low over my head, smoothed my plaid shirt over my short jean shorts, and took a calm, long, deep breath. Then, before I could chicken out, I plastered a smile on my face and exited the vehicle. I was immediately blinded by tons of cameras flashing at me, and I stumbled back a bit as questions got shouted in my face.

  I was used to this type of thing, but I wasn’t used to this. The ferocity.

  “Why did he break up with you?” one man shouted.

  “Or did you break up with him?” a woman yelled, shoving a microphone in my face.

  “Are you doing okay?” from the left.

  “Tell us about what happened!” from the back of the crowd.

  Someone came at me, and I cried out, but the strong arm that came around my shoulders was all too familiar—as was his spiced, male scent. Austin. “Back off,” he warned a cameraman that came a little too close for comfort. “Give us space.”

  My huge longtime security guard, Harry, stepped in front of me. He glowered at Austin but turned his attention to the paps. “Give Ms. Forbes room, now.”

  Everyone backed off. Austin kept his arms around me and hurried me inside, placing himself between me and as many cameras as he possibly could. Harry took care of the rest. As soon as we cleared the doors of Cracker Jack’s, Austin let go of me.

  Harry turned on us. “You. You’re not—”

  “Welcome anymore.” Austin stepped back, his eyes on me. I skimmed him hungrily, taking in every inch and simultaneously looking for any signs of bodily damage. He looked okay, all things considering. And he had shoes on. “I know.”

  “Austin…” I tugged my hat lower. It was a shield of sorts between him and me. I needed that right now. “Thank you for your help.”

  He shrugged. “Yeah. Sure thing.”

  I watched him as he spun around and walked away, his hands jammed into his pockets. Swallowing hard, I looked at Harry and forced a smile. “Hey.”

  “You doing okay?” he asked, his dark brown eyes warm with concern. He’d been my guard for longer than I could remember, and I truly cared for him. And he cared about me. He’d kind of taken the place of my father after he’d died. “Holding up in the craziness?”

  “I’m fine,” I said, drawing out the last word. “Don’t you worry about me. I’m stronger than a new rope in a storm.”

  “Oh, I already knew that, Ms. Mackenzie.” He patted me on the back as he passed me. “Come on. I’ll show you to your room.”

  Nodding once, I followed him, gripping my bag. I had Austin’s things inside it. Even though he hadn’t mentioned it, I figured he’d like his stuff back. As I f
ollowed Harry, I thought back on Austin’s intervention. He’d saved me out there, even though we weren’t together anymore, and for some reason that hurt.

  And it only made me miss him more.

  It had been a day and a half since he’d walked out of my life. Did he miss me? Or did he feel as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders? Did he feel free? Happy? Relieved? Because I didn’t feel any of those things. Not at all.

  Harry stopped in front of a door with a pink card that said Mackenzie. Next to it, on an identical door to the left, was a blue Post-it that said Austin. “Here’s yours.”

  I nodded but didn’t take my eyes off Austin’s name. I needed to give him his stuff, and now was as good a time as any. If I’d been thinking clearly earlier, I would have given it all to him out in the common area. But I hadn’t been, so I hadn’t.

  I’d been too busy looking at him like a starved prisoner.

  Slowly, I walked up to the door and traced the paper, leaning in when I heard him laugh. Was he in there with someone else? Had he moved on already? Even worse, was he in there with Diane? I swallowed and listened harder, pressing my ear up against the thin door. Apparently, I couldn’t hear well enough, because I didn’t hear him walk up to the door…

  And open it.

  “Oof.”

  I fell inside ungraciously.

  He caught me out of reflex with one arm. The other held a phone to his ear. So, he was alone then. “Shit. I gotta go, okay?”

  “You don’t have to…sorry.”

  He hung up, shoved his phone in his pocket, and helped me stand straight. As soon as I was steady, he let go of me. “What were you doing?”

  My cheeks went hot. I was about to burst into flames, I was sure of it. “I was about to knock,” I said quickly. “That’s all.”

  Harry stepped closer. “That’s right. She was about to knock.”

  I closed my eyes for a second. I appreciated his defense, but right now, I didn’t need it. It would only make everything look worse. “Harry, can you wait for me out here? And Austin, could I come in for a second?”