Losing Us

by Jen McLaughlin

  I’d damn well hope that stranger would help.

  Which is exactly why Barry had sent me out with her. He’d known I’d feel bad for her and see her home safely. Damn him. “But they’re there, right? Can you call them so they meet us in the lobby?”

  She pursed her lips. “Wait. You’re coming with me?”

  “Just to drop you off. Nothing else.” I adjusted my hold on her and eyed the bench outside the bar. We might be waiting a while, and something told me she didn’t have much standing power left in her. “Come on, let’s sit.”

  She followed me—not that she had much choice since I was supporting her—and we sat down. She stayed draped across me, her eyes intently focused on me. Well, as intently as she could be while drunk off her ass. “Are you okay? You look sad.”

  “That’s because I am sad,” I admitted, staring up at the stars. They used to soothe me as a kid, back when I’d dream that somewhere out there the world was a happy place. That my happy ending existed. They did nothing for me now. “Just like you.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah,” I said.

  We sat in silence as we waited for the cab. Once it came, I settled her into the back and shut the door behind us. “Where are you staying?”

  “The Cove Suites,” she said.

  Of fucking course she’d be staying at Mac’s hotel. Where the hell else would she be staying? One of the other hundreds of hotels in the city? Nah. Too easy. “You heard her,” I said to the driver. “Cove Suites.”

  He took off, and I leaned against the seat, dragging a hand through my hair. As we pulled out onto the road, I glanced over at the brunette. She rested her head on the window and closed her eyes. “You okay over there?” I asked.

  “Yeah. Just sleepy.”

  “Okay.” I rubbed my thighs, looking out the window. We were already more than halfway there. With any luck, I’d have her handed off to her friends before Mac found out I was there. I’d make sure of that. “Did you text your friends that you’re on your way to the hotel?”

  “Nope. I didn’t bring my phone.”

  Jesus fucking Christ. This girl was trying to kill me. “Do you know their room number?”

  “Yeah. Two fifteen.”

  “Okay.” I tapped my foot impatiently and picked up my phone. After calling and getting a hold of one of her friends in their room, I got them to agree to meet us in the lobby. As I hung up, I eyed her nervously. She looked as if she was about to pass out. “They’ll be waiting for us once we get there.”

  She didn’t even answer. Just nodded.

  Once we got to the hotel, I helped her out of the cab and scanned the lobby through the glass doors. No sign of Mac, so it looked as if the coast was clear. I didn’t see Harry, either, so she wasn’t there. Good.

  Maybe I’d escape before she was.

  “Here we go,” I said, hauling her out like a rag doll. “Let’s go find your friends.”

  She stumbled into my arms. “Are they there?”

  I looked again. I didn’t see anyone who looked like her friends. Of fucking course. “Not yet, but let’s go in anyway.” I walked her inside, and then had the front desk call up to the room again. As we waited I scanned the lobby. The coast was still clear. “Come on.”

  “Are you him? Are you Austin Murphy?” she asked, her voice soft with wonder.

  I glanced down at her and nodded once.

  Her eyes went even wider. “Did you and Mackenzie really break up?”

  “Yes. We did.”

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered. Her hand on my chest hesitated before she cupped my face. “I can make it better, for both of us.”

  Before I could even form a reply, she lurched forward and kissed me. Her lips were soft and sweet, but they weren’t Mac’s. And I hadn’t lied before. I wasn’t ready. I shook my head and grabbed her hand, pulling back. “I—”

  Something hit the floor, and I glanced up with dread. Mac stood there in front of the main doors, her face white and a cup of coffee splattered in front of her feet. Harry was conspicuously absent. At the same time I saw her—and she saw me kissing the damn brunette—the elevator doors opened and out came the brunette’s friends.

  As soon as they saw me, they started screaming and flailing. When they saw Mackenzie, they screamed even more and whipped out their phones. “Oh my God! It’s them!” one of them called out.

  “Mac, wait. I can explain—”

  “I can’t believe you.” Mac pressed a trembling hand to her stomach. “You…out of all the hotels in this town…you asshole.”

  With that, she bolted for the elevator. I let go of the drunken brunette and let her slouch against the wall. I rushed after Mac, my heart banging in my chest louder than a freight train. “Mac. This isn’t what it looks like.”

  She bolted into the elevator and jammed her finger into her floor button. The doors started to shut, so I threw myself through them with barely a second to spare. I didn’t care if they flattened me, damn it, all that mattered was catching up with Mac. As they closed behind us, she pushed me backward. “How dare you? Do you…do you hate me that much that you had to bring that girl here and kiss her in my lobby?”

  I held my hands up and shook my head, my stomach twisting in dread. She’d never forgive me for this. Not after what I’d already done. “I didn’t kiss her, she kissed me.”

  “And you just happened to be in my hotel?”

  “Yes!” I said, dragging my hands down my face. “I had to bring her back from the bar because she was drunk. I didn’t know she was staying here until we were in the cab.”

  She waved an arm, her cheeks red. “Well, don’t let me stop your drunken conquest. Hey, go out there. Have fun. Fuck some girls. It’s what you wanted, right?”

  “The hell I did.” I stepped toward her, into her personal space, and loomed over her. “All I fucking want is you, but you never believe me.”

  Letting out a harsh laugh, she glared up at me. “You have a bad way of showing it, if that’s the case. Kissing some floozy in my lobby doesn’t exactly scream ‘I miss you’ to me, but maybe I’m the crazy one.”

  Anger hit me hard, taking away all common sense and all honorable intentions. I hadn’t followed her up here to fight with her, or beg her to take me back. I just hadn’t wanted her to think I was fucking that girl when I wasn’t. That was all.

  But now that had changed.

  Narrowing my eyes, I backed her against the elevator wall. “Let me show you the proper way,” I said between my clenched teeth. “I’ll show you exactly how much I fucking miss you, sweetheart.”

  And then I pulled her into my arms.

  THE SECOND I’d seen him in my lobby, kissing that girl, something inside me had broken into a million pieces. I’d known he would move on, and I’d known he’d be in someone else’s arms eventually, but I hadn’t wanted to see it, for the love of God. And he shouldn’t have brought her to the hotel he’d known I would be in.

  That had been cruel and unnecessary.

  And then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, he’d chased after me and tried to excuse his behavior. Tried to tell me he missed me. Yeah, sure, that had been completely clear by the way he’d had his tongue in another girl’s mouth. Crystal freaking clear.

  He backed me against the wall and pulled me close. Some tiny part of me wanted to melt into him, because his arms felt so good around me. But the other louder, bigger part of me was pissed as hell at him.

  I hissed out a short breath.

  No way. He wasn’t going to get his hands on me, not after that little display in the lobby. “Don’t even think about it,” I said, pressing my hands against his chest and pushing him back. He didn’t budge. “I don’t do sloppy seconds, or second best.”

  He flexed his jaw. “You calling me second best now?”

  “No, but you obviously think I am.” I pushed him again and the doors opened. “Go back to your all-too-willing companion and…and…” I swallowed hard. “Leave me the hell alone. You
got what you wanted. I saw you with her; now go back to her and finish what you started.”

  “Sure, I’ll get right on that, since I have your permission,” he snapped.

  I stumbled past him, refusing to cry. Refusing to show him how much he’d hurt me by bringing that girl to the hotel for me to see. Two more steps. That’s all I needed before I’d be closed behind my door, safe and sound. Then I could break. Cry. Scream. I could—

  “This isn’t what I wanted at all,” he said from behind me. He’d followed me off the elevator. Great. “None of this is what I wanted, damn it.”

  “Then you shouldn’t have come here.”

  I swiped my card through my lock and opened the door, fully intending to slam the door in his face. He slipped inside before I could, shutting the door behind him.

  For the second time in one night.

  “I didn’t bring her here for you to see, or to fuck her, even. She was at the bar, and I was working. Barry asked me to take her home safely—that’s it.” He fisted his hands. “She couldn’t call her friends because she didn’t have her phone, and she didn’t have enough money to get home, so I helped her, like a good guy should.”

  I crossed my arms in front of me and backed up. “So that’s why you kissed her? To be a good guy?”

  “Believe it or not, a lot of women come on to me.” He pushed off the door. “Also believe it or not, I don’t fuck them all, or kiss them all. She just caught me off—”

  “Not all, just some.” I pointed to the door. “You need to leave.”

  “Hell no.” He took another step inside the room. “I’m not going anywhere until you listen to me. I’ve spent the last three days listening to you tell me how I feel, and what I need. Well, now it’s my fucking turn to tell you how I feel.”

  “I’ll…” I bit my tongue. “I’ll call Harry on you, if you don’t go.”

  A hollow threat if ever there was one. I wouldn’t.

  “Go ahead.” He advanced on me, his whole body stiff and unyielding. “You want me gone, there are two ways. One: listen to me. Two: drag me out of here kicking and screaming and give the media their top story of the night. Your choice.”

  That’s the last thing we needed. More media attention. “You wouldn’t.”

  “Wouldn’t I?” He cocked a brow. “Are you so fucking sure?”

  I stared at him, biting down hard on my tongue.

  He watched me with a wild look in his eyes, and he only got that look when he was determined to have his say. I’d only seen it once before, and it had been the last time we’d broken up. He’d taken on Harry to get to me. And he’d do it again.

  “Fine,” I bit out. “Say what you need to say.”

  He locked the door and tossed his keys on the table next to the door. Next went his phone. “I didn’t bring that girl here to fuck her.”

  “You already said that.”

  “She was drunk, and she kissed me. I didn’t kiss her back. If you’d been paying attention, you’d have seen me pull away almost immediately.” He stepped even closer to me, and I forced myself to stand still. To not back down. “I didn’t know I’d be here, in your hotel, till we were in the cab. And I assure you I wouldn’t have brought a girl here just to hurt you like that.”

  I dug my nails into my arms. Anything to stop myself from reaching out and touching him. “That’s twice in a handful of days I’ve seen you kissing someone else, but I’m supposed to believe it wasn’t by choice either time?”

  He stiffened. “Yes. You’re supposed to fucking trust me.”

  “Blindly?” I snorted. “Okay. So if you found me kissing some other guy, and I told you I hadn’t kissed him—he’d kissed me—you wouldn’t be upset? And then, two days later, I was kissing another guy in your hotel—but again, I didn’t kiss him—you, once again, wouldn’t be upset?”

  He ripped off his hat and wrung it in his hands. “Of course I’d be upset, but you don’t have to deal with that. Guys don’t do that shit to you.”

  “You’re right, they don’t.” I forced a laugh. “You want to know why?”

  “Sure. Go ahead. Enlighten me.”

  “I don’t put myself in situations where a fan thinks he is welcome to do so.” I leaned in and poked a finger at his chest. “I don’t flirt with guys, or make them think I like them. You do.”

  He shook his head slowly. “It’s an act. It doesn’t mean—”

  “Oh, but it does. To them, it does.” I shook my head and laughed again. “Fans are girls—just girls. And girls like you. You make them think you like them, they’ll go for it. And if you think otherwise, you’re a fool.”

  His face turned red. “I don’t know how to deal with this shit, okay? I wasn’t ready for this—wasn’t ready for any of it. If you remember, I didn’t want any of this, but you asked me to go on tour with you, and now I have it all. Everything except the one thing I wanted…you.”

  “Oh, lovely.” I threw my hands up. “Now this is all my fault?”

  “Yeah, maybe,” he snapped back. “I didn’t want to be famous or be in the public eye. I fucking told you that. But you—”

  I covered my face. “I forced you to. That’s what you’re going to say.”

  “Yes, maybe!” he shouted again. “Because look at what it fucking got me. Women throw themselves at me, and I try to be polite and have a good public image, and then I lose my girl. So, yeah, I don’t fucking want this. Any of it.”

  “Then walk away from it all if it makes you so miserable.”

  “You know what?” He slammed his hat back down. “Maybe I will. Maybe I need to stop trying to be famous enough for you, or good enough for you, and I should just go back to being me.”

  I froze, unable to believe he’d said that. “Don’t do that. Don’t put that on me.”

  “Why not? It’s true. I didn’t want this,” he said, flinging his arms wide to encompass the room—and me, I guess. “I don’t need penthouses and cars and fucking fans throwing themselves at me. I just wanted you, but I tried to be that guy for you.”

  I shook my head. “I loved you the way you were, before the tour, and you know that. You didn’t need to change for me.”

  “Funny, because it sure felt that way at the time.” He laughed, but it was forced. “And it felt like if I wasn’t famous like you, I wasn’t good enough.”

  “No.” I pushed him and he stumbled back a step. “Don’t you dare. You know I loved you more than anything, just as you were.”

  “Did you?”

  I dug my nails into my palms. “Yes. How could you ask me that?”

  “The same way you could ask me if I wanted to be with you, and not believe me when I swore I wanted nothing more than you. And the same way you could publicly announce that we’d split, without telling me you were doing so ahead of time.” He shrugged. “Love’s a bitch, I guess.”

  “Yeah, I guess so,” I managed to say.

  He advanced on me. “And, yeah, those girls kissed me before I could react, and I should have set better boundaries with them. Maybe I should have seen it coming and avoided it. And maybe I’m a fucking idiot that has no idea what to do with fans, this life, or even love itself. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you, or that I hate you. Not at all.”

  Holding a shaking hand up, I stood my ground. “Stop. Please…stop.”

  “But I—” He did stop, but then he crossed his arms. “I love you, damn it, and I’ll always love you, but that’s why this hurts so much. It’s why this feels so wrong. Don’t you feel that? The gut feeling that we’re making the biggest mistakes of our lives by letting go of one another?”

  I swallowed hard, but it was hard to get past my swollen, aching throat because I did have that feeling. It was killing me. “Austin…”

  Something inside him seemed to deflate. It broke my heart all over again. “Fine. I give up. I didn’t want to break up with you, Mac.” He stepped closer, tipping my chin up. “But I need to accept it’s what you want, and I accept that you’re
done with me. And I refuse to continue to be the bad guy here—the kind that you think likes to bring girls to your hotel to hurt you. That’s not me. None of this is, and it’s time to figure out who, and what, I want to be.”

  I nodded, holding on even tighter to my arms. I couldn’t reply right now.

  “How long are you going to be here in Key West?” He dropped his hold on my chin, backing up a few steps. “Because, I’m gonna be honest. Having you here hurts like hell. I need space if I’m supposed to move on.”

  Closing my eyes, I let out a deep breath. “I know. It hurts me, too, but the girls will be here soon. I can’t leave. I promised them a fun trip.”

  “Far be it for me to ruin your fun,” he said, his voice hard.

  “That’s not fair.” I dropped my arms to my sides. “None of this is fun or fair or right. And I don’t want any of this any more than you do.”

  “Then why did you break up with me?”

  I flinched. “Because you needed it. You need to experience life without me—your new life. I’m not going to be the dead weight hanging on to your feet, refusing to let go when you try to break free.”

  “Who said I wanted to break free?” he asked, his voice so low I barely heard him. “Oh, that’s right. You did.”

  “No, you did,” I said, shaking my head and moving a step away. My back hit the wall. “Not me. I just did what you couldn’t do.”

  “What was that?”

  “I gave you an excuse to walk away.” I lowered my head, not wanting to see the look in his eyes. He watched me with a mixture of anger and sadness. “And you did, didn’t you? And then you kissed another girl or two. Who knows how many there were?”

  He grabbed my chin and forced my head up. “It doesn’t matter what I say to that, does it? Because you don’t believe me.”

  God, I wanted to. I wanted to so badly.

  “That’s what I thought.” He grabbed his stuff off the table and headed for the door. “I’ll go now.”

  “Austin…” I took one step after him, and then another. “Wait.”