Star (1989)

by Steel, Danielle

  He told Crystal then that he'd lost his job, and he said it nonchalantly as she stared at him in horror.

  You didn't!

  I did!

  My God! We're both out of work! She laughed, but she felt desperately guilty. He had told her only that morning how much he liked government and politics and she wondered what he would do now. He told her about the call from the senator then, and she urged him to return the call the next morning. Would you ever run for office?

  I might. Or maybe I'll grow up to be a judge like my father. He smiled at her, it all seemed so unimportant now. All that mattered was that she was safe and that they were together. Nothing had changed between them in nine years. He was still haunted by her night and day, and the only thing he knew now was that he didn't want to leave her.

  They talked long into the night about his vague political aspirations, her films, and then about things like babies and dogs and Boyd and Hiroko. She was looking forward to seeing them the next morning, despite her qualms about visiting the valley. He had rented another car and they were going to drive up early to see them. She couldn't wait to see Jane. She hadn't seen her since she left San Francisco. She was seven years old now, and probably wouldn't even remember Crystal.

  And then finally, they went to bed and made love again, and for long hours of tenderness he held her. And again the years that had separated them melted into moments. It was as though the time they had lost disappeared as they held each other close and slept like peaceful children.

  They drove north the next day, and Crystal sat next to him, humming to the radio, lost in her own thoughts, and he smiled at how easy it was to be with her. She made no demands on him, there was no disappointment, no clash of views, no accusations. Inevitably, it made him think of Elizabeth and how different they were. But Crystal was like a dream, always just out of reach, just beyond his fingers, yet always clearly in view, and exactly what he wanted.

  They crossed the Golden Gate, and drove north with the sun high in the sky. Everything was green and new, washed by the winter storms that left the hills emerald and sparkling beneath a sky the color of her eyes. She looked peaceful when she looked at him, and they smiled. It was comfortable just being together, they didn't even need to talk as he drove her.

  She showed him where to go, and this time he remembered where the Websters lived. Feeling her heart pound, Crystal crossed the tiny garden, and rang the bell. There was a long wait and then a little girl came to the door as tears filled Crystal's eyes.

  Hello. The child looked up at her, and they knew instantly it was Jane. She had her mother's Oriental eyes, and she had dark reddish brown hair, just as she had the day she was born. Who are you?

  My name is Crystal, and I'm a friend of your mommy's.

  There was no fear in the child's eyes, as Spencer took Crystal's hand. She's inside making lunch.

  May we come in? The child nodded and stepped aside, and the room was just as Crystal remembered. Very little had changed. She could tell that they were still poor, but they were rich in the love that they shared. There were photographs of Jane, and Japanese prints Hiroko had brought from Japan with her, the room was clean, full of the few treasures they had. And tears filled Crystal's eyes as she walked the few steps to the kitchen, and stood looking at her friend. Hiroko was singing to herself in Japanese, and she turned, expecting to see Jane. Her eyes grew wide, and with a single gasp, the two women flew into each other's arms.

  They held one another and embraced for a long time, the years melting away, just as they had with Spencer. They hadn't seen each other in such a long time, but nothing had changed between them.

  I was so worry about you, Crystal. And then she saw Spencer standing watching them and she smiled to see them together. There was still a photograph of him with Boyd on her wedding day on their kitchen wall. You look so beautiful! She kissed her again, as she wiped her tears away. And suddenly they were talking all at once, as Jane stared at them, wondering who they were. Hiroko explained that Crystal had helped bring her into the world, and Spencer listened to the tale he had never heard, and looked with wonder at Crystal.

  There you are, he teased, you could be a midwife now.

  Don't count on it, she grinned. And she and Hiroko talked endlessly as Spencer and Jane played. All was well with them. Old Mr. Petersen had died, and left the station to Boyd. Hiroko asked about her movie career, and they talked quietly about the trial. And then they heard a truck roll up, and Boyd hurried in for lunch, wanting to know who was visiting them. He had seen the car. He stopped in the doorway as he came in, and took in the scene, and with a gasp he threw his arms around her, and then he pumped Spencer's hand.

  We've been reading about you. He grinned, relieved to see them both. I kind of wondered if you'd come up here. Spencer explained that he had driven through two years before, but he hadn't been able to find where they lived. It was off on a back road, and he would have missed it again if Crystal hadn't been there to show him where it was.

  Hiroko made them all lunch, while Crystal helped, feeling comfortable, as she always had, in the cozy kitchen. And after a while, Boyd told her all the news. Becky was remarried, and living in Wyoming with two more kids. And then he hesitated, wondering just how much Crystal wanted to hear at that moment.

  Your mom's been real sick, he said quietly. She was the only family Crystal had left. But Crystal didn't want to see her now, and she had already told Spencer she didn't want to see the ranch. It would have been too painful for her, too lonely to see it after these years. It had been six years since she'd left, six years since Jared died, and there was nothing there for her anymore, except her father's grave and Jared's. But she asked Boyd about it anyway, wondering if her mother had moved. No, she's still there. What's left of it. They sold off the grazing land years ago. There's no cattle left. But I think the vineyards are still going strong, at least that's what I've heard people say. I haven't been there myself in a long time. But I know Dr. Goode's been out there with her a lot. She's been sick since last July, he paused again, glancing at Spencer and then at her. I don't think she's going to last much longer, Crystal. If that means anything to you now.

  And sadly she shook her head. That's all over for me.

  He nodded. He had figured that. I was going to write to you once or twice, in case you wanted to see her before she dies.

  Crystal shook her head, trying to forget her childhood days. They were gone for her now, and so was the ranch. I don't think there's much point, and I don't think she'd want to see me anyway. I've never heard from her since I left. Is Becky here? If their mother was dying, she thought she might be visiting from Wyoming.

  She came out over Christmas for a while, my sister said. I didn't see her, though. But she's gone back now. Crystal nodded, relieved somehow to know she wasn't there. Becky meant nothing to her, in truth she never had. The ones she had loved were all dead, except the people she sat talking to in the Websters' front room. And after lunch, they all went for a long walk, before Boyd went back to work. They promised to stop and see him before they drove out of town. Spencer and Crystal hadn't decided where they were going yet. He thought maybe she'd like to visit the wine country, and stay in some small, cozy inn. But when they left Hiroko finally, Spencer took the wrong turn, and suddenly Crystal's face went pale. They were driving along just outside the ranch. He recognized it too, and looked at tier with caution.

  Do you want me to stop for a little while? No one would know we were here. If your mom's that sick, I'm sure she's not roaming around. And with an imperceptible nod of her head, she pointed to an overgrown road.

  That goes straight to the river. But he was afraid for the car, and they got out and he took her hand. They walked for a long time, and Crystal fell silent and stood quietly, when they reached a little clearing, and then he saw three graves there. Jared and her father and her grandmother were buried there, as though waiting for her, and she was quiet as she wiped her eyes. He put an arm around her and as
they walked back through the tall grass, he remembered Becky's wedding day, and Crystal standing in her white dress and bare feet, her shoes cast off somewhere, her hair shining like white gold in the sunlight. And then, as they walked, she walked slowly away from him. And she stood looking at the ranch house where she'd been born. It made her think of her father again and it hurt to see it.

  Do you want to go inside? I'll go with you. He was watching her carefully, feeling her pain.

  I don't know what I'd say after all this time.

  Hello is always a nice place to start. She turned and smiled at him.

  Smartass. They laughed, and started to turn away, but suddenly the screen door slammed, and they saw the visiting nurse leave. Dr. Goode was standing just inside the door, and Crystal looked at Spencer for a brief moment. He nodded encouragingly, and she hesitated for a long time, and then walked slowly toward the house that had once been filled with people she had loved, and now only memories that had faded.

  Go on, he whispered the words, and she held his hand, and a moment later she walked slowly up the front steps. Her hands were damp, and Dr. Goode stared at her for a long time, looking at her strangely. He had recognized her and was surprised that she had come. She had been gone for such a long time, and she had left amid so much scandal.

  How did you know? he asked.

  Know what? Crystal looked at him, feeling like a child again.

  She'll be gone anytime. She's awake now, if you want to come in. And then suddenly Crystal wondered if the shock would be too much for her after all these years.

  I haven't seen her in six years. I'm not sure she'd want me around at a time like this.

  When people know they're dying it changes things. He spoke quietly, wondering who the man was. You married now? She shook her head, and he said nothing more to her. He didn't know where she'd been or what she'd done. He'd been too busy caring for the sick. He had heard she'd gone to Hollywood to be a movie star, but she didn't look like one now. She looked the same to him, a little older, a little thinner maybe, but she was still as pretty as she always had been. Go on in and say hello to her. She can't do you any harm now. Crystal walked slowly into the kitchen, almost expecting to see her grandmother, but there was no one now. The room was dim, and everything looked old and tired. No loving hands had made repairs in years. It looked as though she'd let everything get run-down, both inside and out. Spencer followed her down the hall to her mother's room, and waited quietly outside, as Crystal knocked and went in. Olivia was lying there and there was almost nothing left of her. She had wasted away, and all that seemed to be left of her were her eyes, staring at Crystal. Hello, Mom.

  Olivia looked surprised, but not as much as Crystal thought she would. It was as though she knew she'd come, and if she didn't, she didn't care. How've you been? There was no mention of the day she'd left, or the pain she had caused her, of Jared's death, or what Tom had done. She was just lying there, looking at her last-born child, and waiting to die and join the others.

  I've been fine. Her mother knew nothing of the trial. She didn't know anything now, and she didn't really care anyway. For months now her world had shrunken to her bedroom.

  I heard you went to Hollywood. Was it true?

  Crystal nodded. Yes, I did. For a while.

  What are you doing now?

  Visiting you. She smiled, but there was no answering smile in her mother's eyes, she was much too tired.

  I guess you heard about the ranch. I figured they'd look for you after I died. Becky said Boyd Webster would know where to find you.

  He always did. What about the ranch? Are you going to sell it?

  That's up to you now. It was always too much for me, but your daddy left it so I couldn't do anything except live here till I died. And then it's yours. Becky was mighty mad for a while. But she's got a good life now. A good man. Did you know that Tom died in Korea?

  I heard. But her mind was racing over what her mother had just said. She sat down carefully in the rocking chair near the bed, and gingerly reached out for her mother's hand. Olivia didn't object, she just left it there, like a little twig in Crystal's fingers. What do you mean about the ranch?

  It's yours. That's how he wanted it. I got tenancy for life, I think they called it, something like that. But after that he wanted you to have all of it. He said you were the only one who ever cared about it. And as she listened, her eyes filled with tears. Her father had left the ranch to her, and they had never said a word. They had let her leave, without telling her that one day the ranch would be hers. You can even stay in the cottage now, if you want. No one's used it in years. I won't be long, she said, and withdrew her hand. It'll be yours anytime now.

  Don't talk like that. Is anyone cooking for you? Yeah. Some of the girls from church still come around. I got plenty here, and Dr. Goode comes twice a day, he brings his nurse with him most times. But she closed her eyes then, she was too tired to talk any longer. And as she drifted off to sleep, Crystal stood and looked down at her, the woman who had caused her so much pain, who had never been able to understand her or love her, who had kept the secret from her for all this time. It was hard to feel much for her now, except pity. She was almost gone. And then, all this would be Crystal's. It was incredible. She quietly left the room and found Spencer standing there. She signaled to him to leave, and as they walked outside, she sat down on the front steps and stared at him in amazement. You're not going to believe what I just heard. She's forgiven you everything. He smiled, and she smiled back.

  No, it's too late for that. She's too sick even to care about all that. She looked out over the fields that were almost hers, and felt a warm surge of love for the land, which was precisely why her father had left it to her. And then she remembered his last words, ' don't ever give this up ' the ranch ' And she had felt so guilty when she'd left it. She looked back at Spencer again. My father left me the ranch when he died, and they never said anything. I guess that's why they hated me so much. Because he left it all to me. She looked as though she was in shock. Seeing her mother again after all these years, and now this. She shook her head and stood up slowly again. What am I going to do with all of this?

  Live here, have a good life. It's a beautiful place. Or it was once, and it could be again one day. I bet the vineyards are profitable as hell. And maybe even the corn.

  Spencer, she smiled up at him suddenly. I'm home.

  Yes, you are, he smiled. You sure as hell are. And you didn't even want to come here today. They both smiled, and then remembered the woman dying in the house. They walked slowly back to the car, Vondering where to go next.

  She said we could stay at the cottage if we want.

  We? he smiled. Did she know I was here?

  No ' all right ' she said I could. But I'm sure it's a mess. And she didn't want to be there while her mother was dying. Let's go away somewhere, and come back here later. He nodded and they walked back to the car. They drove to the gas station then, said good-bye to Boyd and told him they'd be back. And he called them that night at the hotel where they were staying. Crystal had called Hiroko to leave her the number. Her mother had died, shortly after they left. And Crystal sat quietly for a long time, trying to decide what she felt. It wasn't sorrow or loss, or even anger anymore. Almost everything was gone, except a distant memory of the woman she'd known when she was a child. And now the ranch was hers, just as her father had wanted. She had no idea what she'd do with it. But at least she had somewhere to live now.

  She and Spencer went back the next day, and two days later her mother was buried with the others. Crystal hesitated for two days while they stayed with Hiroko and Boyd, and then finally decided to move into the main house on the ranch and even stayed in her old room with Spencer. Her old bed was still there, and the floor still creaked just where she remembered it. In an odd way, nothing had changed. And yet everything had, as they walked across the fields at sunset that night, to the place where they had met, and he smiled as he looked down at her. I
t was strange how life went sometimes. Crystal still couldn't get over it. Only a few days before she'd had nothing in the world, and now she had the ranch her father had left her.

  As the sun set, they kissed, and walked back to the house, hand in hand, grateful for the precious moments they had shared, as softly, like a dim memory, Crystal began singing.

  Spencer rode over most of the ranch with her the following day. Much of it was overgrown and there were no more ranch hands. Only the vineyards were still halfway well kept, and there were two Mexicans working as they rode past them.

  They swam in the stream she had loved as a child, and sat wrapped in blankets afterward, laughing and huddled together, as she sang the songs she had sung with her father. And for a moment she felt guilty, as though she were laughing on her mother's grave, but it wasn't like that. Her mother had been dead to her years before, and the ranch was a final gift from her father.

  When they went back to the house, she put the old kettle on, and it brought back visions of her grandmother in her clean white apron. She told Spencer about some of her earliest memories, and he listened raptly. And finally, they talked about Washington, and when he would go back there.

  What about Elizabeth? They both knew he had to make a decision. But the decision would come of its own if he stayed long enough with Crystal. He couldn't imagine leaving her again, and they both knew he didn't want to. He hadn't seen Elizabeth in three months, and he was almost sure now that with a little pressure from him she'd divorce him. It was too embarrassing for her to have him drop everything in Washington, and stay in California with Crystal. And Crystal wanted him to stay with her, but she wanted the decision to be his. She didn't want him to give up his life in Washington, if it was what he wanted. She had nothing to offer him in comparison to the life he'd lived with Elizabeth and the Barclays. She had learned the day before that the ranch barely supported itself now. She would be able to survive there, but compared to Elizabeth, she had nothing. All she had was her love for him, and all that she had felt for him since Becky's wedding.