Love Is Louder

by Antoinette Candela

  “Are you okay?”

  I shrug and bite the inside of my cheek, so I don’t cry.

  “I...I don’t know. I don’t feel anything,” I stare out the open window and try not to completely lose it. I feel the pain searing in my bones and jabbing into my heart like a hot poker.

  “You can’t go back, not yet. I know you, Brie. You love James no matter what. You need time to think. You can stay with me. Whatever you need.”

  I don’t realize I’m crying until I taste the salt of my tears on my lips. I try to thank her, but the words stay stuck in my throat under the stone that’s settled there. I close my eyes and lean back against the seat. This can’t be happening. I attempt to shove the weakness I have for James as far away as possible, but my heart collapses under the strain. I suck in the last of my courage and fold my arms across my chest to somehow bring the broken pieces of my heart together. Will anything or anyone help me get through this? Does James know how hurt I am with his lies and deception? I don’t have the ability to identify or describe my feeling at the moment. I don’t have the strength, physically or emotionally, to maneuver through this right now.

  “You’ll get through this. I’m here. You’ll be okay. Stay with me as long as you need,” Ava whispers, resting her hand on my shoulder.

  I turn to her and manage a weak smile, resting my hands on top of hers. “I don’t know what I would do without you.” I exhale deeply, wiping some of the wetness from my eyes.

  “You will get through this, hon. You have more strength than you give yourself credit for. I’ll be there for you when it becomes too much. I promise.” She scans my features and then kisses my forehead before she pulls away from the curb.

  I squeeze her hand in appreciation and look out the window. I sit quietly in the front seat as the world passes me by; the pitch of our breaths is the only sounds I hear. Ten minutes pass before we finally arrive at her house. I pull my aching body out of the car and a delicate breeze caresses my face as we make our way to her front door. I blink my eyes several times into the bright sun. I don’t care where the fuck I am as long as James isn’t around to confuse me. I need time alone, away from him. Away from everything.

  Will I ever feel whole again?

  Three days later, sunken with immeasurable grief, I make a quick trip to pick up my car and return to my empty home, pack up several outfits, my camera, and some toiletries and return to Ava’s. She said I should change the locks and throw James’ shit into garbage bags, but I can’t stand to be in the house, and I don’t have the energy to do that. Instead, I canceled all my appointments and am now lying in bed in Ava’s guest bedroom, running through a mental checklist of things I forgot and have to do at some point. Just not now.

  Throwing on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt, I sulk to Ava’s IKEA designed kitchen, grab a bottle of Malbec from her extensive collection, and slink to the living room decorated in warm colors of brown and burgundy. Drinking wine and watching trashy television will help with my thoughts. I hope so, anyway. I pour myself a glass of wine and slump low in the lush couch with soft, silky pillows cushioning my achy body. When I’m about to put my phone on silence to avoid all outside communication, it jerks me to life by ringing. I answer when Mason’s name pops up.

  “Hello?”I sit up straight and turn off the television as an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, the epitome of trashy television, begins.

  “Brie.” His voice comes across deep and rich, making me close my eyes at the sound. “How are you doing?”

  Still, I’m not prepared to hear his voice or to become part of the living so soon. I need more than a few days buried under pillows and drinking wine, but running and hiding are not choices anymore. It takes a moment for me to compose myself and to tame my wildly beating heart. I run my finger on my lips that start to tingle remembering the kiss we shared. I shake my head to try to clear my thoughts and finally find my voice hidden underneath my pain.

  “I’m okay.” I pause and take a shaky breath. “I want to thank you for everything and offering your home to me, but I didn’t want to impose. You have your life.”

  “I understand. I’m just glad you called on me, and you’re safe. I know this is a rough time for you.”

  “I think I’ll be okay. Time. I just need some time,” I say as tears threaten to fall.

  He doesn’t say anything for a second.

  “I was worried about you, but you sound better.” His tone is low and careful.

  I try to let the words sink in, but they hurt, and my chest tightens in return. But I don’t feel better.

  I blink back tears, and after a long moment, I say in a soft voice, “I feel a little better.”

  “I’m glad.” He pauses to clear his throat. “I know you probably want to be alone right now, but I needed to talk to you about something. Do you have a couple of minutes to chat?”

  I nervously chew on my fingernail as my heart rate accelerates at the seriousness in the tone of his voice. “Yeah.”

  “Actually, do you think we can meet later? I don’t feel this is the kind of thing I should tell you over the phone.”

  “Sure.”

  “I’m just leaving my mom’s house after spending time with Lily.”

  “How is Lily doing?” The thought of that precious little girl brings a genuine smile to my face that has been hard to come by the last few days. It feels foreign, but good.

  “She’s fine. For now,” he emphasizes the last words.

  Prickles of apprehension rise in my chest, and I swallow uneasily.

  “What do you mean?”

  “We had the first custody hearing a couple of days ago, and I’m just letting everything to sink in. Things…took an unexpected turn.”

  “That doesn’t sound promising.” Something is definitely not right. I want him to tell me whatever it was because my mind is conjuring nothing but alarming scenarios as I slowly stand on my legs.

  “We will see.” He sighs heavily. “Do you think you can stop by my place at eight? I know you’re going through your own personal issues, and I understand if you can’t make it.”

  I swallow before I speak again, so my voice sounds steadier than I feel.

  What could he possibly have to talk to me about that he needs to see me?

  “No, I’m fine. I can come by.”

  “Okay. Great.” He audibly sighs. “If you ever need anything or a place to stay, don’t hesitate.”

  “I know, but you’ve done enough already.”

  “Just ask. Some things you can’t deal with alone for too long. I’ll be here. Remember that.”

  I hold on to his words and repeat them over and over again, hoping that will truly be enough.

  “Thanks.”

  “I’ll see you soon then.”

  “Yes, see you soon.”

  I’m not sure what to think when I hang up the phone. My mind is screaming at me, and fear and excitement bubble inside me. My life has become so convoluted. Events that I didn’t expect to transpire have crashed at my feet. Difficult decisions have to be made, and I don’t have a clue as to how to handle them.

  The next few hours are not going to be easy. I finish off my wine and hastily pour another glass. I have the overwhelming sensation that something is very wrong, and it causes a chill to race down my spine. After finishing off my second glass, I decide against trashy television and opt to sleep off the next few hours instead.

  I wake up a little after seven with a pang in my chest and my body heavy with sorrow. I reach for my phone and notice several missed calls and texts from James. Anger infuses my blood. What were all the attempts and all the desperation in his actions? Was it because he knew what he was hiding from me? This is the James I didn’t want to believe existed. I don’t know if I can handle seeing him. I ignore them all, silence the phone, and toss it onto the bed next to me. The pang in my chest is now tightening, like someone is fisting my heart and squeezing the last ounce of my love. I have to push forward.

&nb
sp; I manage to drag myself out of bed and head to the bathroom. My reflection is a mess, so I brush my hair and apply drops to clear the redness around my eyes from all the tears I’ve shed. After applying some makeup, I throw on a pair of jeans and a black tank top before grabbing my phone and heading into the living room. I locate my purse and keys on the couch buried under some throw pillows as Ava walks into the room, returning from a day at the salon.

  “Hey, how are you holding up?” She faces me, her eyes cloaked in unmistakable concern.

  “Not sure…” I inhale, dropping my eyes to the keys in my hand.

  “Where are you going?”She stares at me for a minute, processing. “Do you want me to come with you?”

  “No, it’s okay. I’m meeting Mason.”

  There’s silence as a slow smile creeps across her face. She sets her handbag onto the couch, and her brows rise.

  “How is Mr. F— I mean, Mason?” she corrects herself, narrowing her eyes at me.

  “He is great...sweet.” I let out a short laugh despite my situation.

  More than sweet. Thoughtful and gorgeous. A gentleman.

  “I wonder why a guy like him is single,” she says, heading into the kitchen. She grabs a wine glass and pours herself a glass of wine.

  “Could be anything.” I shrug, avoiding her eyes. “Maybe he hasn’t found the right one.”

  “Maybe.” She returns to the living room, sipping her wine. “Being that handsome, he could have his choice of women.”

  “This is not the time to ask about his relationship status.”

  “I know.” She sighs romantically, placing her glass onto the table. “Do you think it’s a good idea to see him?” She collapses onto the couch.

  “It’s about his niece, and it sounded important. Plus, he was there for me, and I want to be there for him. I consider him a friend now.”

  “I totally understand.” Her pretty face scrunches up in worry. “But are you coming back?”

  “Of course, I am.”

  “Okay. I’m stocked up on Häagen-Dazs and ordering Chinese takeout.”Picking up her wine glass, she takes a sip.

  “Perfect. Just save some for me?”

  “Absolutely. I think a little wine with dinner and a container of Häagen-Dazs while we watch some Jax Teller will work to lift your spirits.”

  “I’ll be back in a bit,” I say, resting my hand on the doorknob.

  I hope whatever Mason has to tell me will put a smile instead of a frown on my face and give me hope that there is something good in the world.

  At five minutes to eight, I pull up to Mason’s house. Glancing up, I catch his muscular silhouette pass the large bay window. My stomach flutters as the porch light turns on. James called me five times since I left, but I let them all go to voice mail. I’m not ready, and I’m not quite sure if I’ll ever be. Let him worry.

  A heavy weight bears down on me, causing me to stumble when I exit the car. After taking a deep breath, I slowly make my way to his front door where he’s waiting for me, fisting a bottle of beer and leaning against the doorframe. At the sight of him, my heart stirs. The memory of last night comes backs to me and floods my brain.

  He holds the door open for me and smiles, one that is very different from the ones I’ve been used to. There is a profound sadness in his eyes.

  “Hi.”

  “Hi. I’m glad you came.”

  As I pass him, his scent entices me. His gaze pins me with something serious and intense, and it makes my body stir and hum with electricity. He inhales deeply and something switches in his eyes, a look that says I need you. I won’t hurt you.

  I turn my face to look away as I step into the living room. The smell of beer is evident as I notice several empty beer bottles on the coffee table and Lily’s case file. I turn to him as he closes the door, shoving his hand into the pocket of his faded blue jeans.

  “How was the hearing?”

  His eyes narrow with each ticking second. I watch as he lifts the beer to his lips and takes a generous pull before he speaks in a grim tone.

  “There will be more hearings, and Lily will be meeting with a child advocate since Cole is being difficult.”

  I stare at him a moment. “Okay. That’s good,” I say in a hopeful voice. I don’t know the first thing about what a custody hearing entails. If Mason loses Lily, it would be devastating to him.

  “I’m not...sure.”

  I step forward and stand inches away from him. It hurts me to see the pain in his eyes.

  “What is it, Mason? You’re scaring me. Are you going to lose Lily? What is it? What did you hear?” I whisper, placing my hand on his arm.

  “No. I don’t know. It’s too early to say.” He furrows his brow, brushing the hair from my face. “I think you’re going to need to sit down for this.”

  “Why?” I ask, trying to keep my tone even as anxiety races through my veins.

  We look at each other expectantly; my anticipation grows as I try to gauge his mood.

  He sets his beer down and takes my arm and guides me to the couch. We both sit, and he leans his head back against the couch. The tension ripples through his body like a tsunami.

  “Shit.” His eyes drop to mine. I tense at what I see swirling in his eyes. Then he looks away, his eyes pinging around the living room.

  “Mason…please, tell me what it is.” I rest my palm on this thigh. “Please, this is really bothering you. Please, tell me.”

  He pushes off the couch and stalks to the window overlooking the street, pacing back and forth as he sips his beer.

  “Are you ready?”

  “Yeah, please. I’m here to listen. I’m your friend, and I want to be there for you, too.”

  “I fucking hate this,” he grits, his eyes flash with anger, and it throws me off.

  Why is he mad?

  “It’s not Lily. It’s James.”

  “Mason, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me so far, but it’s my problem to deal with.”

  He stays quiet for a moment. I don’t like this.

  “No, it’s not about that. I should probably say it’s about...James and Lily.”

  “What? What does James have to do with Lily?” I look down at the file on the coffee table.

  “There’s no easy way to say this.” His jaw sets, and his eyes lock with mine, ensuring I’m listening.

  “Say what?”

  “James...”

  “James?” I mutter, pain consuming every existing space inside me, like a terminal cancer spreading through my body, swallowing my heart, sucking the air from my lungs.

  “Lily could be James’ daughter.”

  I still. I want to disintegrate.

  Thump. Thump. I swear the entire universe can hear my heart beating. The words envelope me like a black cloud, and a tremor passes through me. Suddenly, the world is bleeding together. More bad news. Nothing’s real; nothing’s making sense. I open my mouth and abruptly close it. Lifting my leaden body from the sofa, I dart for the door, but Mason blocks me from leaving. The heat is overbearing. I can’t breathe.

  He hugs me and draws me close.

  “Please, let me go.” I struggle for air. My head hurts.

  “Brie, I’m sorry.” He reaches down and cups my face in his hands. He studies me with open intensity, his sympathetic eyes scraping over every damaged piece of my psyche.

  “For what? You did nothing, Mason. James has fucked up everything, my life with his lies…his secrets,” I whisper as a sob forms in my throat that I release, filling the silence in the room.

  “I couldn’t keep this from you. You know that. It hurts me, too. I told my sister to stay away from him. I knew way back in high school. I just knew.”

  I take both of Mason’s hands and pull away from him. “He could be a father. A baby. He may have what I’ve always wanted to have...a child with...”

  “My sister,” he interjects as he starts beating the back of his head against the door, glaring at the ceiling. “I want to kill
him for doing this to you and for doing what he did to my sister.”

  I stare at my hands, at the ring that still circles my finger. I can’t believe this is happening. This is all a fucked-up nightmare. My life has become a nightmare. A joke.

  “Do you think he knew he could have been Lily’s father?”

  “I don’t know, but I’m going to find out.”

  I don’t feel anything anymore. I don’t think I can handle all of this at once. Life doesn’t stand still, and it doesn’t go away. It continues to batter me and abuse me. When will it stop? When will this all end?

  Livid, I barge into Ava’s apartment and head straight into the kitchen and grab a bottle of wine. “Is this all you’ve got?” I groan, popping off the cork. I bring the wine bottle to my lips and gulp while Ava lounges on the couch, watching me lose my hold on reality.

  “Whoa! What’s going on?” She watches me down a substantial amount of wine in one swallow. She leaps off the couch in a pair of Victoria’s Secret shorts and a tank top, snatching the bottle from my fingertips, clearly troubled by my behavior.

  “I don’t think you want to know,” I mumble in shock. Spinning, I storm into her spare bedroom, grab my overnight bag, and pull and toss every piece of clothing onto the bed. I don’t know what to do with myself. Everything I ever wished for is falling apart.

  “I do.” She grabs my wrists and faces me.

  Her hazel eyes flash with worry. I hold my breath and immobilize.

  “What the hell is going on?”

  “It’s James.” I drop my chin to my chest as she releases my wrists.

  “What the fuck did he do now?”

  I feel the makings of a sob building in my throat, and I fight it back. I’m not in the mood to cry. I turn away, watching the twilight spread across the horizon as my mind careens out of control and my body trembles with fury.

  “Father…James could be a father.”

  Ava’s face pales with her hand covering her mouth. I swear, she’s going to pass out, but instead, she takes a deep breath and looks at me.

  “You didn’t tell me you were pregnant.” She stands in front of me with a bewildered expression. “Why aren’t you happy? Isn’t this what you’ve wanted?”