Love Is Louder

by Antoinette Candela

  “What the fuck do you think you’re doing with my wife?” James rubs his jaw as he takes a step closer.

  “You need to calm the fuck down.” Mason shakes his fist that landed the blow. “I have some fucking issues with you, asshole.” He looks over at me. It’s a flash, but I see it there in his eyes. He cares for me as much as I care for him.

  James hesitates and looks from Mason to me.

  “Not now. I need to talk to my wife first.”

  First? Aren’t I the last to know everything? All his lies and dirt.

  James glances my way again. His face reddens, and he lowers his chin in shame. I wonder what he sees. Me, his wife, completely torn apart from the inside out because of his actions and betrayal.

  “Brie already knows. I told her about your little hook up with my sister, you piece of shit!” The veins in Mason’s thick neck pop. “I figured I’d do it since you have a fucking issue with telling the truth.”

  “My wife and my marriage are none of your concern.”

  “No, but my sister and my niece are. I should fucking beat the shit out of you.” He gnashes his teeth, bringing his fists together in front of his chest.

  “Do it.” James catches his breath and stiffens at the mention of Lily and Meadow.

  He takes a quick glance in my direction, like he’s considering his options. My heart stutters. I know James well enough that standing here speechless means he admits his guilt, and he’ll take the punishment.

  Every instinct tells me I need to run. I want to run, but I can’t move.

  My eyes flicker between the two volatile men, and a rush of vertigo grabs me. After days of barely any sleep and constant stress, I lose control of my body for a moment and stumble. Immediately, all attention is on me. Dropping his arms to his sides, James takes a step toward me, and I retreat like a scared animal. My reaction is involuntary, and it saddens me, because at one time I gravitated to him, and now I repel him. A pang hits my stomach. My resolve is fraying like a rope, the weight of everything pulling me apart.

  Ava pushes past Mason and clutches my arm and pulls me aside. Staggering into her, I break my gaze away from James to look at my friend through eyes that have welled up with too many unshed tears.

  “Don’t worry about her! Haven’t you done enough?” Ava’s eyes flash as my temper fumes inside me, or is it agony? My emotions are spent that I can’t or don’t know how I feel anymore.

  “Ava, you need to stay out of this,” James says, enraged.

  “I know what you fucking did! How could you do this to her?” Ava demands, her eyes darting between us. “Brie...don’t. Please, don’t.” Her chin takes on a defiant set as she glares at James.

  She knows me so well. She’s my strongest asset. I still have her, but this is my problem. This has always been my problem.

  My eyes move around the room at everyone staring at me. I want to melt into the chipped, scuffed wooden floor. I want to disappear in a vapid cloud of smoke.

  “It’s okay, Ava,” I reassure, placing my hand on her shoulder. “I’ll be okay.”

  Mason and Micah appear beside her and motion for her to leave so that James and I are alone, but Ava still puts up a fuss and shoves James in the chest. Micah wraps his arms around her to restrain her before she finally walks away to the bar. Ava’s eyes dart over her shoulder as she tries to break away, but instead, he presses her tiny frame against his and drags her away.

  I gather control of myself, taking several calm breaths and moving my feet forward. I need to be away from all this madness that has become my life. One step, two steps before James’ fingers wrap around my upper arm, spinning me around. I glance up, prepared to tell him to let me go, but all words evaporate into shocked silence. James’ fiery eyes are drowning in unshed tears now. I look directly into them, ignoring the pain in my heart.

  “Let me go, James.” I pull away from his hold and look over my shoulder toward the exit.

  “Please, I need to talk to you,” he says, grabbing my shoulders to look at him.

  My heart thumps, sending a rush of sympathy into my veins.

  Don’t do this. Not now. Too much has happened. He’s made one too many mistakes.

  “No.” I grit my teeth and close my eyes, forcing all compassion to wither away like a dying leaf. I can’t.

  You can’t continue to suffer and hurt like this to appease him. He’s always had this power over you. You’ve allowed it, and he’s possessed it.

  My eyes flutter open as he steps closer. Everything is so blurry. Holding my hand over my heart to keep it from pounding out of my chest, I stare back at him. It’s like there’s an ocean between us. We’ve been slowly drifting away. He can’t take away the pain. Not now. I have to make my own ending.

  “Listen to me. Just listen.”

  “You had just me, and you never came to me like this. Now, you want to because you feel everything slipping away. Everything I dreamed of is fading away. You did this to us. Don’t you see?”

  “What I have to say I don’t want to say here,” he says, his voice coated with empathy. He glances around, but I stare blindly in front of me. He reaches for my hand, and I shrink away and look up at him, desperate for some way to get past this moment, past everything. At times, life is wicked, and I just can’t see the light.

  “What do you want from me? I’ve given you everything—every part of me—and you stand here and want more of me.”

  His eyes latch on to mine and never let go as he speaks. “I failed you. There is nothing I won’t do to make it up to you. You were the one constant in my life, and I broke everything. We have to talk. I have things I want to say to you.”

  I know myself. I don’t think I can wait to hear what he has to say. It will bring clarity in some way and along with it excruciating pain. The world seems to fade to black when I look into his eyes that haunt me. He’s the only one in my life that has had this effect on me. How do I break this spell? I need to rescue me.

  “Okay,” I respond, wondering if this is a mistake. If giving him the chance to speak is weakness on my part and not the first step in saving myself.

  He takes my hand and leads me outside where warm raindrops caress my skin. I’m scared to death of what is going to become of us. He was the one who made me feel love for the first time, and now, he’s the one to make me feel the most brutal of sorrows and loss.

  Gentle raindrops fall, and a thick layer of fog hovers all around her as we step out into the warm night and away from the chaos of the bar. I need to somehow repair what’s left of our marriage. She’s shown me repeatedly over the past weeks that she has the strength to battle me. Seeing her standing here gives me hope. Following behind her, I rake a hand over my face; the guilt is strangling me. This is another fucking disaster I’ve gotten myself into, and this time I had to drag my wife into it and destroy everything she’s dreamed of.

  “Brie,” I murmur, ignoring the fact my heart is crashing against my chest. Taking a step forward, I rest my hands on her shoulder. I’ve missed her more than I can ever comprehend. She slowly turns around to face me and looks into my eyes, giving me a look that shatters my heart to pieces.

  “I’m listening.” She tries to keep her voice toneless of any emotion, but she doesn’t succeed. The slight pitch in her voice reaffirms I’ve broken her. She’s strong, but not indestructible. Her heart lies in ruins all because of me.

  I cheated and lied to her, and I don’t fucking know why. I need to close the distance in our marriage. How do I explain all these mistakes and expect her to take me back? The night at the restaurant on our fourth wedding anniversary when I saw Mason and the way he looked at her burned me. That was a turning point for me.

  She stares at me for several minutes with the same look of hurt she had when she caught me with Lisa, and for the first time, I notice the toll all the shit has taken on her. There are dark half-moons under her eyes, her cheekbones are more prominent, and her eyes are completely void of the sparkle that was once there. E
ven now, she’s still damn breathtaking.

  I’ve never been on this side, defending my sordid idiotic actions to Brie. I never thought I’d have to do this with my wife, but I’ve learned that if you do the crime, you do the time. There’s no innocent until proven guilty in my situation. I’m fucking guilty as all hell.

  For the first time in my fucking life, I’m completely fucking powerless, so I choose my words carefully.

  “I don’t want to lose you. I want to work past this.”

  “That...you...you’re asking a lot from me. I’m forced to look at you, and I don’t like or even know the person I fell in love with. You wear so many faces. Tell me which one is you,” she demands. “Do you know who you are, or what you want?”

  I have no words to defend myself. I can’t find it within myself to respond or refute her. She’s right. I’ve been used to her being mine while I’m the one in control.

  “What were you doing? If I wasn’t good enough for you, why did you marry me? So you can put me through this heartache? To torture me?”

  She’s shutting down. The shift in her world is so earth-shattering. I know, because mine is falling apart, too, and I only have myself to blame.

  “I wanted you. I love you.” My voice cracks.

  She lifts her chin, and her eyes pierce mine. I can see what she’s thinking in the depths of her blazing brown eyes as the rain streams down her face. It’s what made me fall in love with her. She made me want to take care of her and to never let her go.

  “Loved me. This is how you love, James!” Fire burns in her eyes. “You thought of me as weak and not as your equal. Just like your moth…”

  “No, baby, it wasn’t like that. I wanted to—”

  Pausing, she looks at me. Guardedly. I want to wipe the sadness from her eyes and bring the sparkle back. If she’d let me. If she’d give me another chance. My lungs squeeze painfully, and the tension grows thick. Suffocating.

  I edge forward. Closer.

  I can feel her inner turmoil, the darkness inside, just like the darkness within me.

  “To what?” she whispers, like it actually hurt her to force it from her lips. “Own me, only to destroy me, my hope, and my love for you? All I wanted was you—my husband—a life with you, a baby with you. You became my reason, a huge part of my life. Instead, I get this? All I needed was you, James. Nothing more, but I wasn’t enough for you.”

  I don’t think she has a clue what kind of power she holds over me. After Meadow, I was a faithful husband, and then everything started to cave in. My stomach clenches in pain, knowing what I’ve done. Lisa. The countless nights alone. Brie doesn’t deserve to be hurt like this. She looks away, like she’s trying to gather herself.

  “It makes me question if you’ve ever loved me.” She brings her eyes back to mine.

  “I’ve always loved you. I’ll never stop loving you. Just know that much, baby. You have loved me when I was weak, you have given unselfishly, and you have kept me from falling.” My voice is hoarse with emotion.

  “I don’t love this way, James, and I don’t want to be loved this way anymore.” She meets my eyes, holding my gaze steadfast. “My love...is blind, loyal, and beautiful. Yours is ugly and weak. James...” she trails off and looks away.

  I attempt to swallow around the lump wedged at the base of my throat.

  “No, I will make it up to you.”

  “I can’t. I just can’t,” she whispers. “This has been going on for a while, James. We both know that. You’re just admitting it to me because someone forced your hand. All your damn lies are killing me. Do you see it?”

  “I do see.” I ground my teeth against the pain.

  On an exhale, Brie sets an almost angry expression on her face, like whatever she’s getting ready to say I was going to reply with an a lame excuse.

  “No, you don’t, James. You don’t.” I cringe when she steps back, shaking her head. “Now, your lies have become so much more than lies.” She laughs hopelessly, the tension palpable, dense, and deep. “You could be a father…have a child. The one thing you don’t want to give me, your wife, because you’re not ready. You could have the one thing I want. It’s fucking unfair!”

  “I can’t. Nothing I say can repair what I’ve done.”

  “You’re right, James,” she says, her tone is low and firm.

  “What are you implying?” I feel myself starting to hyperventilate and nausea coils in my stomach. I hate this feeling that I am going to lose everything, and I can’t do anything about it.

  “This is a lot to work through, and you’ve already put me through so much.”

  “I know it won’t be easy to move forward.”

  “‘Move forward’? I can’t stand to look at you right now. You just don’t do these things to someone you love.”

  I stand there in silence watching her. The thought of losing her weakens my knees. Sucking in a breath, I force the next words out, “You don’t. You’re right.”

  “Why should I bother with this anymore?” She gestures between us.

  It’s like someone took a spear and shoved it into my heart and twisted it, leaving a mangled bloody pulp. I’m unable to answer as her doubting eyes search mine.

  “So, when will you know?”

  “Know what?”

  “If you’re the father?”

  “I haven’t heard. Soon, I would think.” Shit, probably tomorrow or the next day I’ll get served with papers asking to supply some DNA, and then they will go to that poor little girl and ask for hers. Put a cotton swab into her mouth and tell her a story that the tooth fairy needs to make sure she’s brushing her teeth. What a way to find out who your daddy is.

  Suddenly, blaring music rips my mind from my thoughts and fills the still air, causing Brie to jump. Glancing over my shoulder, Derek thrusts open the heavy wooden door, causing it to slam against the side of the building. He’s unmistakably drunk. I glance back at Brie.

  “Jimmy! There you are! I thought you cut out on me about our agreement.”

  Swallowing back the enormous pit in my throat, I take a step backward from Brie and nonchalantly look over my shoulder. He ambles over, adjusting the baseball cap on his head while reeking of beer and whiskey. I hope this inebriated asshole doesn’t spill the beans on me here. If he does, any chance with Brie will surely be shot to hell.

  A second ticks past before I return my attention to Brie and smile gently.

  “What is he talking about?” Brie casts me a withering stare.

  “He’s involved in the investigation regarding one of the criminal cases I’m working on.”

  I tell another lie. I seriously hope this little situation doesn’t end up blowing up in my face. It feels like I’ve gotten to a point in my life where lying comes naturally. Maybe Mason is right about lawyers being good liars. Only problem is, I’m not so good at it. Was I ever?

  I intake a large lungful of air and throw my eyes in Derek’s direction. He catches my eyes and nods in understanding.

  Fucking crooked greedy bastard.

  “Oh, hi, Mrs. Fleming. I’m sorry for interrupting.” He smiles, standing a couple of feet away from me and rocking back on his heels.

  “Yes, that’s okay. My wife and I were just leaving.” I place my hand at the small of her back, hoping she doesn’t back away. When she complies, I sigh in relief. “Can we discuss the case tomorrow?”

  “Sure. I’ll call you at your office in the morning.”

  “Sounds good.”

  Another lie.

  The rain pelts the windshield as we drive through town in an awkward silence. She had no choice but to come home with me since she’s been drinking so heavily. My saving grace and the fact that I couldn’t find Ava back in the bar.

  I’ve never seen Brie like this, but then again, catching your husband screwing another woman and finding out that he could be a father are good enough reasons to make the sanest person do some unspeakable shit.

  The red traffic light bleeds through th
e glass as we wait for the light to turn green. My rushed breathing clouds the windows as I contemplate what to say to Brie. I sense her huge eyes making furtive sweeps in my direction. Addictive, hypnotizing eyes that drill through my outer shell and rattle my mind. My chest tightens at the thought of not having her beneath me again. I take a large inhale of air to clear my head as adrenaline races through my body. This isn’t about me anymore. At this moment, none of that matters to me. What matters is that I try to salvage what we have.

  While I’m lost in my tormented mind, Brie abruptly shoves open the door, jumps out of the SUV, and slams the door behind her. Without looking back, she starts tottering across the street in her heels in the rain. I frantically glance around the poorly lit street for oncoming cars, dread pumping through my veins. If anything happens to her, I’ll kill myself.

  Seconds seem like hours.

  I wait, pounding on the steering wheel for the light to finally turn green so I can rescue her.

  Isn’t that why she jumped out of the car? To rescue herself from me? To get away from the one person who’s brought her so much heartache?

  The tension rolling off me shifts and snaps. I gun my SUV forward when the light changes. Pulling slowly beside her on the side of the road, I match her pace and roll down the window and lean across the seat. The sound of the falling rain, oncoming traffic, and thunder fills the cabin.

  “What are you doing, Brie? Get back in here. You’re going to get yourself killed!”

  As she stops, her hair’s dripping and sticking to her cheeks, and her clothes cling to her body. She sucks in a loud gasp, her eyes filling with hurt. I immediately feel like shit.

  “Why do you care now?” She stares at me as her mascara bleeds down her cheeks, anger almost instantly replaces the hurt I had first seen flash in her eyes. I keep my eyes trained on her before she walks away from me with her arms wrapped across her chest. I look up at the ceiling of the SUV, forcing my heart to stop hammering. I pull forward again, so she’s right beside me.