The Songwriter

by Jensen, A. P.

Why am I thinking of you?

  Fear made her sing for all she was worth. As Trey came up the steps to her, playing his guitar her anxiety lessened a bit. She was onstage singing. Trey came towards her and when he crooned to her, Gwen heard the women go berserk.

  I can’t give you what you need

  The man who put that ring

  on your finger loves you

  I can’t give you more,

  I’m not the man you think I am

  Marry the better man

  When she had to leave the mic stand and walk down the stairs with Trey, she wasn’t sure her legs would hold her. She didn’t take her eyes off of Trey as they sang and she saw the pride in his eyes, the reassurance that she was doing great. When they finished The Better Man, Trey backed away from her and did a mock bow while the crowd laughed and cheered. Gwen responded with a curtsy and finally looked out over the sold out arena and saw the flash from cameras, glow sticks and phones held up to record her and she beamed. Her first performance was probably uploading on YouTube at this moment. Eat your heart out, Natasha, she thought.

  “You know, two weeks ago I caught Gwen singing in my recording studio. She normally doesn’t sing in public but I convinced her to go on tour with me and I’m glad I did. What do you guys think of Gwen’s voice?” Trey yelled.

  The crowd stomped their feet and Gwen felt their energy electrify her until all nerves disappeared. It was incredible. In that moment she felt invincible. Adrenaline sizzled through her veins as Trey began to play Touch Me and he grinned as if he sensed she was okay now. She sang the way they rehearsed, reaching her hand out to him and even at times singing from the same mic. Nothing mattered except their voices harmonizing together perfectly. Trey brushed his hand along her cheekbone and she could almost believe he was actually contrite as the man in the song apologized for not being able to return her love.

  As the lights went out at the end of the song, Trey reached out and squeezed her hand before she rushed off the stage. While Trey talked to the crowd, it seemed like ten people ripped off her white dress and redressed her in the shimmy number that made her want to strut. Someone swept her hair into a different style within two songs and shoved her back onstage as Trey started Release the Dream. She walked on singing and the crowd roared in approval, not jeers. Gwen felt like a million dollars as she sauntered over to Trey. They sang Release the Dream in a blur of light, noise and his eyes grounding her when she was so lightheaded she thought she might faint from the adrenaline high.

  When the song ended, he raised a brow and she knew this was her moment. Breaking Out was practically a solo. Trey had a small part in it but the stage was hers. She walked to center stage and thrust her fist in the air on the first line.

  Once upon a time I questioned if I was good enough, pretty enough, smart enough

  Those days are gone!

  The women cheered and Gwen sang her ass off. Trey came up beside her to sing his lines and when he held his hand out to her, she slapped it away. The women hooted and Gwen tore across the stage, using every inch of it as they rehearsed. When her moment came to close the song, she stood center stage and let her voice go. It soared, filling the arena. When she dropped the last note she received deafening applause. Trey bent his head in defeat upon ‘losing’ his girl and Gwen strutted off the stage. Her stage persona lasted until the moment the light moved off of her. She collapsed on numb legs in Angie’s arms but she was too busy gushing to notice.

  “We’ll make a superstar out of you yet, Harper!” Angie crowed. “I wouldn’t believe it if I didn’t see it with my own eyes. You’re sensational!”

  “Get me out of here,” Gwen wheezed.

  Angie chattered all the way to the tour bus where she dumped Gwen in her bedroom. She frowned when she noticed Gwen was still trembling.

  “The performance is over. You should be ecstatic!” Angie chided.

  “I need a moment,” Gwen said.

  Angie rolled her eyes and sprinted back to the arena. She was as much of an adrenaline junkie as Trey. Gwen pulled off her dress and stepped into the shower. The quiet after being in the arena was deafening. After her shower, she crawled into bed and pulled the covers over her head. When her phone rang, Gwen groaned. She stared at the screen and knew she couldn’t ignore it.

  “Hey Ma.”

  “Gwen, I haven’t heard from you in a while so I thought I’d call. How are you?”

  Hearing her mom’s steady, caring voice made tears fill her eyes. “I don’t know.”

  “What does that mean? Are you crying?”

  Her mom’s voice went from soothing and cool to screechy and panicked in two seconds flat. Gwen laughed, sat up in bed and wrapped the covers around her.

  “I’m on tour with Trey Phoenix.”

  A pause. “He wants to write music while he’s touring? Why doesn’t he call you once he’s done?”

  Gwen took a deep breath. “No, Ma, I’m not writing songs with him. I’m singing on his tour.”

  The ecstatic scream on the other end of the phone made Gwen smile and she turned it on speaker and tossed it onto the bed beside her.

  “Didn’t I tell you that you have a voice like an angel? How did this happen?” Mama demanded.

  Gwen went over the events of the past two weeks.

  “Tonight was my first performance.”

  A wary, “How’d it go?”

  Gwen sniffled. “Fine.”

  “Just fine?”

  Gwen brushed away tears and smiled. “I fucking killed it, Ma.”

  “That’s my baby! Why are you crying?”

  “I have no idea. I never thought I could do this and it just… happened, you know?”

  “I’m so proud of you, baby girl. Are you coming to Montana? I haven’t seen you since… you know.”

  Her euphoria faded somewhat. There was nothing like hearing about your past mistakes to make you drop to earth with a plop. “I’m going to be on tour for six months. I don’t know when I’ll be able to make it home.”

  “It’s going to be mine and daddy’s fiftieth anniversary. I want you to be here.”

  “I’ll find a way.”

  “That’s my baby! I miss you. I know you’ve always been scared of singing in front of others but you have a beautiful voice. No one else can sing like you. Enjoy this time. It’s a gift. Before you know it, it’ll be over.”

  She smiled and sank into her pillows. “I know, Mama. I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  Gwen heard Cassie and Barbie come into her bus an hour later but they didn’t open her door. She knew several crew members came to see how she was doing but no one disturbed her. She wasn’t sure what was wrong with her. Stepping onstage took every ounce of courage and energy she had and the crowd sucked it out of her until she had nothing left. She was completely drained and fell into a deep sleep.

  When Gwen opened her eyes, sunlight streamed through the curtains. The bus was in motion and she swayed slightly from side to side in bed. She hadn’t even heard the bus start last night which meant she slept like the dead. She glanced at the clock and saw it was almost noon. She stumbled into the shower, dressed in a robe and walked out into the living area. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Trey sprawled on the couch watching TV.

  “What are you doing here?”

  Trey turned the TV on mute and examined her. She froze when she saw the serious expression on his face. Had she done something wrong during the show? She crossed her arms defensively over her chest.

  “How are you feeling?” he asked solemnly.

  “Okay,” she said warily. “Why?”

  “They said you collapsed after your last song. No one’s seen you since.”

  Gwen shrugged. “I was exhausted. I don’t know how you do this every night. It took everything out of me.”

  “How do you think you did?”

  Gwen stiffened. “I thought I did okay.”

  He cocked his head to the side. “Okay?”

&nbs
p; She twisted the front of her robe. “I did what we practiced.”

  “You improvised.”

  She had a vague recollection of slapping his hand and shoving him away from her during performance of Breaking Out. She bit her lip. “I was in the moment. I thought the crowd liked it.”

  Trey turned the volume on the TV up and Gwen had to grab the counter to keep from falling down. A video of herself standing on the edge of the stage with her hair flying, eyes flashing and hands reaching out to the crowd filled the screen. That image she fantasized sending to Natasha didn’t need to be sent. It was all over the news.

  “Instead of cancelling his tour, Trey Phoenix decided to replace his on again, off again partner Natasha Wilde with Gwen Harper, a songwriter. Harper has had no professional training, my sources report, but that didn’t seem to bother the crowd last night.”

  Trey turned to Gwen, who was milk white with a hand over her mouth, as she watched more clips of her flash across the screen.

  “You were amazing last night,” Trey said.

  Gwen’s eyes filled with tears. “I think it almost killed me.”

  He leapt up and engulfed her in a hug, swinging her around in a small circle.

  She clutched fistfuls of his shirt and then shoved him back. “Why the hell did you scare me like that? I thought I did something wrong.”

  “I came here after the show ended and you wouldn’t answer me. I wasn’t sure what was going on. I thought you were gonna leave the tour so I’ve been here waiting for you to get up.”

  She sighed. “This may be the scariest thing I’ve ever done in my life, but I promised you six months and I’ll finish it.”

  He tugged on her hair. “You rocked the arena. You know after you left, the crowd called your name?”

  Gwen slapped his chest, mouth open. “They didn’t!”

  “They sure did. God, when you did Breaking Out you nearly gave me a heart attack. I thought the women were going to trample the stage and break me in half!”

  Gwen grinned. “I wanted to put on a good show for Natasha.”

  “For what it’s worth, I think you delivered. She won’t be able to turn on a TV today without hearing about you.”

  Gwen’s stomach flipped. “You’d think I’d be happy to hear that, but it just makes me more nervous.”

  He ran his hands up and down her arms. “Don’t worry about it. It’ll get easier.”

  “I’m sure Angie told you about my meltdown.”

  “Every single detail.”

  She pulled out a drawer, which also served as a fridge, grabbed a frozen meal and tossed it into the microwave. “I don’t know how to shake that. I didn’t think I was gonna make it through The Better Man.”

  “I saw it in your eyes,” he agreed, digging through her drawers and coming up with a bag of Dove chocolates. “But once you hit Touch Me, you were fine.”

  “I know, I know,” she said, grabbing her steaming meal with a towel and taking a seat at the tiny table. “I know I’m not going to die when I go up there. I know I can sing my songs well, but knowing I have to go up there makes me sick.”

  Trey read the inside of the candy wrapped and smirked. Gwen kicked him under the table to get his attention.

  “Okay,” he said bracingly. “Honestly, I don’t know what advice to give you about that. All I can say is you’re amazing and you don’t have to worry. The crowd loves you, I love you. Everything’s good.”

  She paused with her fork halfway to her lips. She raised her brow at Trey, who didn’t even register what he’d said. He was reading another candy wrapper and he snorted as he chewed on another chocolate square. Men, she thought.

  “I don’t know what happened to me after the performance. My body just shut down.”

  “You channeled all your energy into the audience,” Trey explained with a shrug. “It’s normal, though I’m surprised you let go that much.”

  “I didn’t have a choice. The crowd got me hyped and sucked me dry.”

  Trey crossed his hands behind his head, eyes twinkling. “Isn’t it great?”

  “You’re insane. I have no idea how you’ve done this over twenty years. I think I aged ten years last night. I’ll be the happiest girl alive the last day of the tour.”

  “You’re gonna want to do another tour, I guarantee it,” he said smugly.

  She slapped his hand when he tried to steal a piece of her chicken. “No I won’t. I want to go back to my quiet life and I want to keep my hearing, thank you very much. Damn the crowd is loud. I forgot how famous you are.”

  He looked at her suspiciously and she made sure her expression was guileless.

  “My reputation is partly due to you for the hits and partly due to Natasha for the sex appeal. Now I can get both from the same woman.”

  Her heart skipped and she looked at him lounging across from her. She waved her fork. “How do you figure Natasha’s responsible for your sex appeal?”

  “You know, our chemistry onstage was great and women eat it up. They want what they can’t have.”

  She choked. “What?”

  “Come on. Women want unavailable men.”

  “You’re full of shit!”

  “I’m serious! If a man is committed to another woman, is that attractive?”

  She debated for a second. “Yeah, I guess.”

  “Women flocked to me, knowing I was taken. It’s bizarre.”

  “Women don’t drool over you because you’re taken. They fall all over you because you’re sexy. Duh.” She groaned when she saw she had his complete attention. “I’m just saying, Natasha has nothing to do with it.”

  “You think I’m sexy?”

  She looked him over and was satisfied when he shifted under her scrutiny. She made him uncomfortable. Good. To get him back for his teasing, she made her eyes deliberately heavy and saw him swallow.

  “You have great eyes, a killer body and when you’re not being a slave driver, you’re sweet.” When he stared speechlessly at her, she blinked innocently. “Does that make you uncomfortable?”

  He cleared his throat. “No. Course not.”

  “Good.”

  Despite the success of the first show the second in Duluth, Georgia came way too soon. To her surprise, Oliver was impressed by her performance and stopped by her bus to chat with her while Barbie and Cassie tugged on her hair. Gwen envied Oliver’s casual attitude about performing. He didn’t have any nerves at all. When his manager, a burly guy with a bulldog face, barked that Oliver would be on in fifteen minutes, Oliver saluted her and ambled off with his hands in his pockets. She shook her head and experienced the same episode of hyperventilating, nearly fainting and being sick before Angie stepped up to give her a verbal bitch slap. Gwen wished she could get past the stage fright but the private, introverted part of her always balked. Every night she forced herself out of her comfort zone and it took a toll on her.

  Where Trey seemed to grow more energized with each performance and rarely needed sleep, Gwen was the complete opposite and needed more and more sleep to recover. She never learned how to pull back emotionally from the crowd and the moment she stepped onstage and heard the crowd, adrenaline shot through her veins like in a heady cocktail of elation and rebellion. At the third show, she heard people yelling out her name as she walked onstage and nearly tripped on her way to Trey. During Breaking Out that night, she went over to Alan as he played bass and ran a hand down his chest. The women cheered and Gwen wasn’t quite sure if it was an act when Trey dragged her away from him.

  Her chemistry with Trey was explosive and keeping eye contact with him was imperative to keeping her grounded during the performance until she realized she wasn’t going to die. She was humbled by the fans embracing her wholeheartedly. After the show, she was lying in bed with her eyes closed when there was a knock on her door. Everyone knew how exhausted she was after a show, but she got up to answer the door and was surprised to see Trey standing there.

  “What’s up?” she asked.


  “A fan wanted to talk to you.” He took in her robe and freshly scrubbed face. “How are you feeling?”

  Gwen blinked and clutched the robe at her neck. “A fan?”

  A voice behind Trey intruded. “A very big fan.”

  Trey wasn’t prepared for the way Gwen’s eyes went wide as saucers. Gwen squeezed past him and faced Gabriel Heely who stood in her tiny living room. Gabriel smiled as he looked Gwen over from her bright red toenails to the wet hair curling around her face. Gwen looked flustered and star struck and Trey didn’t like it. He watched Gabriel grasp Gwen’s hand and kiss it like a damn sparkling knight in his Ed Hardy shirt and hat. Something hot slithered to life in his chest. Maybe he made a mistake. He and Gabriel went way back and he hadn’t thought twice when his friend asked if he could meet Gwen after watching the show. Seeing the look on her face though, he knew he’d badly miscalculated. How could he have known Gwen had a thing for Gabriel?

  “Your voice is amazing,” Gabriel said.

  “Really?” Gwen sounded breathless.

  “I tell her that every day,” Trey snapped.

  Gwen didn’t even hear him. Her eyes were glued to Gabriel. “You have a great voice too.”

  “We should sing together,” Gabriel said. “I watched the show tonight. You were great. I’ve heard of you but we never had a chance to meet.”

  Trey felt his stomach dive as Gwen lit up like a Christmas tree. She looked like a giddy sixteen year old, staring up at Gabriel with stars in her eyes. All he wanted to do was push his way between them, tell Gabriel to get lost and send Gwen back to her room where she could change into something less… revealing.

  “I’d love that,” Gwen breathed.

  Gabriel sat, pulling Gwen down with him. “Trey tells me you write most of his hits. I’d like to book some time with you. Maybe you can help me with my upcoming album.”

  Gwen looked as if all her dreams were coming true. Before she could respond, Trey stepped in.

  “We’re on tour for six months.”

  Gabriel shrugged. “Well, when you’re done you can call me. I like to record most of my stuff at my house. I live an hour outside of New York.”