The Songwriter

by Jensen, A. P.

  “Are you coming for Christmas?” Peyton asked.

  “I’m not sure. We’ll see,” Trey answered.

  Gwen reminded herself that she’d known this would end. She reassured everyone she could handle it and she would. When they headed back to the bus that night, Trey had his arm around her shoulders.

  “You’ve been quiet tonight. Are you alright?”

  She nodded. “I’m just tired.”

  He kissed her swollen knuckles. “What a day.”

  When they got into bed, he wrapped her in his arms and fell asleep immediately. She stroked her hand over his chest and when a tear dripped down her cheek, she eased away from him and left the bus.

  There was enough moonlight to see the endless fields stretched out in front of her. She walked to the edge of her parent’s property- away from the buses and people that would see her crying and feel compelled to come out and ask her what was wrong. There was a tree on the edge of the property with a swing. She sat on the wooden plank and breathed deeply.

  “You have a beautiful voice.”

  Zach stood a few feet away, watching her. She got to her feet and faced him. She should have realized he would hear them. His property bordered her parents and though he’d been invited, she was relieved to see he hadn’t come.

  “What do you want, Zach?”

  His normally sweet face twisted. “I can’t believe you’re doing this, Gwen. He can have any woman in the world and you think he’ll stay with you?”

  Already raked raw by her own revelations for the night, she couldn’t stop the tears that coursed down her face. “I’m not expecting forever with him. Please don’t do this tonight. I can’t handle it.”

  His eyes were filled with fury and yearning. “After all we’ve been through, you have the nerve to bring him into town and parade him in front of me?”

  “I didn’t do it on purpose. He wanted to come!”

  “Why? You think he’s actually interested in us, in White Mist? He’s only pretending to be interested to make you fall harder for him. The moment another lady comes along, he’ll drop you so fast you won’t know what happened.”

  “You think I don’t know that?” she choked. “You think I’m an idiot, don’t you?”

  Zach flung his hands in the air. “In all the time you’ve known him, he never noticed you. Now that you have a voice, now that you’re helping him out, you’re lovers? I loved you, Gwen and you ripped my heart out!”

  She shook her head with tears streaming down her face.

  “You said you’d marry me, that I was the only one for you, but you lied the whole time and for what? A man who didn’t even know you existed!” Zach shouted.

  “Zach, please,” Gwen whispered.

  “What’s going on here?”

  Gwen covered her face as Trey approached.

  “Get out of here, Zach,” Gwen said, trying to wipe away her tears without success because she couldn’t stop crying.

  Zach turned to Trey, who looked murderous. “Have you ever asked Gwen who those songs are about?”

  “Zach!” Gwen said, voice rising in panic. “Don’t!”

  “Every single song is about you!” Zach shouted. “She couldn’t commit to anyone because she was pining after you, a man who never saw her as more than a friend!”

  With that, Zach strode away, leaving Trey and Gwen staring at each other under the moonlight. Gwen felt devastated and battered as she stared at Trey, the only man she’d ever loved and the man destined to break her heart into pieces that could never be put together again. Trey had no expression on his face and she waited several minutes for him to say something before she tried to go around him back to the tour bus. Trey grabbed her arm and swung her around.

  “Is it true?” For a moment he didn’t think she would answer and then she tilted her chin defiantly.

  “Yes.”

  It literally knocked him back a step. Her lyrics raced through his mind and his heart stopped. She was staring at him, waiting for a response and he had none. His mouth opened and closed but his voice wasn’t working. He’d seen Gwen in many moods, but this one was so complex, he wasn’t sure what was going through her mind. Her mouth quirked in a humorless smile and her usually expressive eyes were unreadable.

  “We’ve known each other thirteen years and you never noticed me,” she said.

  He jabbed a shaking finger in her direction, but once more he had no words.

  “I fell for you the first time I heard you sing. Such a cliché.”

  She shrugged dejectedly and his heart sank. Tears continued to rain down her face and the woman that faced him was a mixture of pride and misery.

  “Isn't it ironic that the first time you ever saw me differently was when I sang too?” She shook her head. “I watched you and Natasha fight, sing and love each other. When I was younger, I wished you would look at me the way you did to her.”

  “Gwen-”

  He reached out and she stepped back and folded her arms defensively across her chest.

  “I thought that by getting away from you, I would snap out of it. After I had several hits, I moved back to White Mist to get over you and I started dating Zach. He loved me, but he never had all of me. Part of me was steeped in music and you were a part of that.”

  “Gwen, I-”

  “Those years on the road with you were the best and worst of my life. I didn't know how to love someone who was in love with someone else. I was having a love affair with someone who didn't even see me, but Natasha knew. So does Johnny. Everyone saw it but you.”

  Something close to fear was rising up in him. He felt like she was saying goodbye and he didn’t know how to stop it, how to counteract the words she was saying because they both knew what she said was true.

  “You never thought anything of asking me to come visit you. Anytime, anywhere. I'd jump on a plane and fly to whatever city you were in... I never learned how to block you out. Zach figured it out and never forgave me for it.” Gwen looked up at the sky. “I can’t forgive myself for going on with the engagement when I didn’t love him. I’m a horrible person.”

  He wanted to deny that she loved him for thirteen years. That was impossible, wasn’t it? If she loved him, why hadn’t she said something? If she loved him, wouldn’t he have known?

  “I’m tired,” Gwen said and started back to the tour bus.

  “We need to figure this out,” Trey said, keeping pace beside her.

  She shook her head. “No.”

  He grabbed her arm, pulling her to a stop. “No, what?”

  “I don’t need to figure it out. We have five more shows. Let’s just get through that.”

  He clutched her arm. “Gwen, don’t.”

  “Don’t what? Don’t say it like it is? I’m getting too old to believe in fantasies and happily ever after’s.”

  She was shaking badly and when he tried to help her, she jerked away and walked across the field in silence. Stunned by the latest turn of events, Gwen focused on getting to her bus. She closed herself in the bathroom and ran the shower to drown out the sound of her sobs. When she opened the door Trey was sitting on the bed, waiting for her.

  “Gwen-”

  She held up a hand. “Please. I can’t talk about it tonight.”

  She hesitated when she saw he wasn’t going to leave. He sat there and watched her warily as if she was going to start screaming at him. She got into her side of the bed and turned her back to him. A part of her wished he would leave her in peace so she could recover but when he put his arm around her and tucked her against him, tears of relief seeped from her eyes.

  Chapter Eleven

  The next morning, Mama insisted on making breakfast for everyone. Gwen wore oversized sunglasses and did everything possible not to be alone with Trey. She held Ben on her hip most of the time and promised him she would drop by sometime soon. Her sisters knew something was wrong and when they pried, they backed off quickly when they saw her lip quiver. When the goodbyes came she hugg
ed and kissed her family. Mama held on when she would’ve stepped away.

  “I know something happened last night, but everything’s gonna be okay,” Mama said.

  Gwen barely refrained from sobbing her heart out. She nodded, kissed her mom and walked to the bus where Trey waited for her. She was dreading this. She couldn’t get around it and she sat at the table and nervously bounced her leg while she waited for him to start. The bus began to move and for the first half hour he didn’t say a thing.

  When Trey began, she froze when he said her lyrics in a flat tone.

  I have a man that loves me,

  that holds me at night

  He tells me he loves me everyday

  He wants what I do,

  a stable home, children

  Why am I thinking of you?

  How can I marry a man

  I don’t love as much as you?

  Why can’t you see me the way I see you?

  Should I marry the one who loves me

  for who I am

  Or hope one day you’ll see the real me?

  “Damn Gwen, why didn’t you tell me?”

  She winced as if he yelled at her. “I couldn’t.”

  “Why? We saw each other several times a year and-”

  “You were with Natasha off and on. I should have told you when you called me to keep you company when you were on a break from her?”

  “You should have told me. God, you had thirteen years!”

  Gwen laughed harshly. “And how do you think you would’ve reacted if your friend of thirteen years said she loved you?”

  He got up and paced. “I don’t know.”

  “Me either.”

  “If you really loved me, wouldn’t you have told me?” he burst out.

  She erupted from her seat and stepped in front of him, jabbing him in the chest with a shaking finger. “If I loved you? Love isn’t something you can control. Love told me that I’d rather keep quiet and stay in the friend zone with you than tell you and risk the relationship we had because I made you uncomfortable.”

  “Did you let me make that choice? No! You kept it to yourself and decided to write songs about it and let the man you love sing those songs without even knowing!”

  His voice was a mix of astonishment and anger. She subsided into her seat and looked out the window as Montana passed her by.

  “Are you listening to me?” Trey demanded.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “That’s all you have to say?”

  She looked up at him. “What else is there to say?”

  He narrowed his eyes and leaned over her so he could look directly into her eyes. “You say that Natasha and Johnny know about this?”

  She nodded. “Natasha figured it out when she read my first song.”

  “Why would she keep that to herself?”

  Gwen laughed a little hysterically. “I can’t explain why Natasha does the things she does. I never understood her at all.”

  “Maybe Natasha thought I would leave her for you,” Trey mused.

  “What?”

  “I don’t know what I would’ve done but knowing would be better than what happened last night.” He shot her an angry look. “How could you let me sing those songs? Even the lines you give me are what you expected me to say if I knew, isn’t it?”

  Gwen buried her face in her hands. “I’m sorry.”

  “I don’t want you to be sorry. I want to understand how everyone could know this and I didn’t!”

  She raised her head and looked at him. “You didn’t know because you didn’t want to.”

  There was a long silence and she slumped in her chair, emotionally drained.

  “You knew I had feelings for you when I was eighteen and too innocent for you. You thought it was a crush. I wish it was, but years passed and every time I thought I was over it, you called and I couldn’t stop myself from seeing you and it would start all over again. To make things worse, you were with Natasha, the biggest bitch on the planet…” Gwen waved her hand. “I don’t know. I’m sure women always tell you they love you. I didn’t want you to pat me on the head and tell me it was idol worship or something.”

  He considered that. “I can’t say I wouldn’t do that, but we’ll never know.”

  “Can we just forget this happened?” Gwen pleaded.

  Trey stared at her. “What?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  He came towards her and cupped her face in his hands. “It matters, Gwen.”

  Tears slipped down her face and she ran a hand over his tired eyes. “It only matters if you love me back. Do you?”

  Trey didn’t back away. He stayed with his hands on her, eyes moving over her face for long seconds. “I don’t know.”

  Gwen shook her head, leaned forward and kissed him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed with everything she had. Trey pulled away and stared at her, confused.

  “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I didn’t get into a relationship with you to get you to love me. Let’s forget about it,” Gwen pleaded.

  “But you love me.”

  She laughed with tears streaming down her face. “I’ve always loved you. We have five shows left and I want us to have a great time. Can you do this for me?”

  For a moment, she thought he was going to refuse and then he nodded. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into the bedroom. Their loving was desperate and greedy and when they lay there, moving with the motion of the bus, she prayed she would be strong enough to leave him in less than a week.

  The eight and a half hour drive from White Mist to Seattle was steeped in awkward silence. It was a relief to reach the Key Arena where they connected with the other half of their crew. They had half a day to prepare and Gwen went to the recording bus for sanctuary because she couldn’t deal with anyone right now. Barbie and Cassie came to prepare her for the show and she’d never felt less like being onstage.

  “You know, honestly, I didn’t think you were going to make it,” Angie said backstage.

  “I know you didn’t think so,” Gwen retorted.

  In her mind, she listed all the pros to ending the tour. Angie was in the top five.

  “In less than a week, it’ll be six months since we got on the road. We hit forty-one states and did over one hundred shows. That’s a hard pace even for Natasha.”

  Gwen stretched and tried to loosen up. “I just want it to be over.”

  “I know you love him. You always have,” Angie said, almost gently.

  Gwen grit her teeth and didn’t look at her. “Lots of women love him.”

  “But he doesn’t notice most of them. He notices you, Gwen.”

  Gwen whirled on her. “Weren’t you the one warning me that he’s not likely to stay with me?”

  Angie winced. “I did but-”

  Gwen held up a hand. “Angie, we have five shows left. Save it for when I’m gone.”

  When she appeared onstage, Trey didn’t come up to her like he normally did. Her throat was dry as she grabbed the mic and went down to him. When she was close, she saw how angry he was. They spent most of the performance with a good length of the stage between them. Trey couldn’t stand singing the song now that he knew it was about them. At the end of the night she retreated to her bus. Trey didn’t join her.

  One show in Oregon, two in California and then Las Vegas. The night of the last show was a high of relief and fear. The crew was talking about what they were going to do the next day- they were going to scatter across the continent and go back to their families or sign up for the next adventure. Everybody exchanged phone numbers and emails and everyone was hyped but sad that it was coming to an end. Oliver chucked her under the chin, dubbed her “dope” and even offered her a singing job, which she turned down with a hug.

  Gwen’s stomach rocked with nerves as she waited backstage for the last time. Her face was done up and she knew she looked perfect. She bounced in her heels and needed for this night to be over. She
and Trey hadn’t said more than a few passing words to each other since the performance in Seattle. He didn’t come to her bus and she cried herself to sleep each night. Not tonight though. After this performance, she was out of here. There was no reason to stick around and be treated to a cold, polite Trey.

  She went onstage and put everything she had into the audience and Trey. She touched him, sung to him and all the while his blue eyes followed her but they were unreadable. She tamped down the pain and her lyrics filled the stadium and people cried as they listened to her put her heart on display. She didn’t look at Trey as she walked off during the first break.

  The stage crew congratulated her as wardrobe changed her and sent her out again. Her performance was electric and she had nothing to hide. It was ironic how her songs had correctly predicted the outcome. She’d known the moment she declared her love for Trey that it would be over and it was. She never took her eyes from him as she sang and she knew he recognized what she was doing but he kept his distance. She had her answer.

  At the end of her performance, she silently prayed he would detain her by asking her to stay so he could sing her a song but he didn’t. Nearly sick with pain, she took her last bow and left the stage so Trey could finish his last show. She was engulfed in hugs and kisses from the crew and she hugged them back fiercely, ruining her makeup in the process.

  She went to her bus and changed and showered for the last time. All of her things were packed and ready. All of her luggage was lined up yet she sat on the bus waiting, willing Trey to appear. They couldn’t end their time together like this, could they? Two hours passed and she knew the show was over but he still didn’t come. After all she’d done, he couldn’t even give her a civil goodbye, a “thank you” for helping him out?

  Fury gave her the strength to see him one more time. She marched off her bus and walked over to his and paused when she saw Angie standing guard.