Persephone’s Curse

by Sandra Bats

  “Well, congratulations, then.” Cam grinned. He reached for two glasses and poured drinks so he could toast to Elin’s and my nuptials. He even pointed out he was going to throw me a bachelor party.

  “Until I met her, my whole life was one single bachelor party. I don’t think I need another one,” I said.

  “Don’t be selfish. A bachelor party isn’t about you. It’s about giving your friends an opportunity to enjoy themselves at your expense.”

  ◆◆◆

  “I think I like mid-June,” Elin said after lunch the next day.

  “Ok. While I share your general fondness of June, I’m kinda lost on what you’re talking about,” I responded.

  “The wedding. I was thinking mid-June would be nice. It’ll give us a little time for everything to settle down, you know.”

  Elin softly brushed her hand over mine. I knew what she meant. It wasn’t like there’d be a lot of planning, but it’d be good to put some time between Abby’s death and our wedding.

  The previous night, we’d finally talked about my sister’s suicide. Well, I talked, and she listened patiently. I told her all about that pain. About the guilt that had compressed my chest for the last few weeks. When I couldn’t find the right words or when they just didn’t make any sense, she waited calmly. I’d finally fallen asleep in the early hours of the morning with her arms wrapped around me for reassurance. When I’d woken, the pain was still present, but it was less crushing.

  I gave her a smile.

  “Mid-June it is, then. I was wondering — you know — since we can’t exactly go to a real officiant maybe we could ask Jane to do the job.”

  Elin smiled widely. I knew it was because suggesting Jane to wed us sounded like a peace offering. It was, in a way. I didn’t think I ever really blamed Jane for Abby’s death. I just hadn’t known where to direct my anger.

  Out of nowhere, Maddy approached us and hugged Elin.

  “What’s this about?” Elin asked in shock. Maddy stared back at her in bewilderment, pointing out that it was May 29th. Whatever that meant. Elin looked uncomfortable, ducked her head and muttered that she knew perfectly well what day it was.

  “What’s going on?” I asked, but Elin shook her head, trying to wave it off. Maddy on the other hand grinned widely.

  “What she’s trying to keep secret is that today’s her birthday,” Maddy blurted out.

  “Is that true?”

  Elin awkwardly lifted her shoulders in response and I bent close to kiss her cheek. “Well, happy birthday!”

  “Thanks.” She blushed a little, especially since others had overheard and came over to congratulate her. When we were finally alone at the table again I smiled at her.

  “Why didn’t you tell me you’re turning nineteen today?”

  “Oh come one. It’s no big deal. There’s so much going on lately and I haven’t celebrated this day in years anyway. Besides, what should I have done? Walked up to you and just announced it? That would’ve been like asking for presents, and it’s not like I even know when your birthday is, so I thought it wasn’t important.”

  “January 4th, 2174.”

  Her mouth dropped open, then she scoffed.

  “So, your birthday happened already and you didn’t tell me, either! I didn’t even know you’re twenty, old man.”

  I laughed at that. “It was no big deal. Besides, things were kinda busy back then, with Chris’ death and you being injured.”

  “Now I feel like I should’ve gotten you a present.” She pouted and I smiled as I pressed our foreheads together and touched my nose to hers.

  “My birthday was the day you opened your eyes after having nearly died. That was the best present. Besides, I don’t really have anything for you, either. Though, if I think about it, I’m sure I could come up with something.” I ran my nose along her jaw and she giggled, then bit her lower lip. “Oh, stop that,” I murmured, pulling her close. “You know exactly what you’re doing to me.”

  Elin grinned and leaned closer to whisper in my ear. “You know, now that I’m thinking about it, I’d actually like to know what present you’d come up with.”

  She made my heart stop. I grabbed her hand and pulled her off her chair. She giggled the whole way and cheekily locked the door when we got to our room.

  ◆◆◆

  I woke a few nights later from the same nightmares that had plagued me ever since Abby took her life. I jolted awake. For a few seconds I was too numb to even gather enough air for a satisfying breath. When I couldn’t keep the panic at bay, I sat up. My body was covered in cold sweat. Blood rushed through my ears. I ran my hands over my face and body, telling myself I was wiping away the sweat. In fact, I was checking for blood or brain matter. The nightmare had been so vivid. I angrily wiped my tears away and threw a quick glance at Elin. She was still asleep.

  I exhaled, trying not to make a sound. I didn’t want her seeing me that way. Not because I feared she might think I was weak. I knew what it was like to watch her suffer through the aftermath of her nightmares. I didn’t want her to feel like I had. Helpless.

  My breath wouldn’t slow so I got up and hastily dressed. My heart hammered, and my ears rang. This was pure, uncontrolled panic. I sneaked out of the room and leaned against the wall outside. Pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes and forced myself to get a grip. Inhaled, held my breath, exhaled. forced down the panic. Inhaled, held my breath, exhaled. Reminded myself of where I was. Inhaled, held my breath, exhaled. Told myself that Elin was safe. Inhaled, held my breath, exhaled, focusing on each breath.

  I pushed off the wall and went outside. Crept through the shadows so our guards wouldn’t spot me. I didn’t need their well-intended questions. I set out for the edge of the forest where we buried our dead. Someone had added a little tombstone to Chris’ grave after the ceremony. There were other graves too. Mary and her baby. Other friends who’d been killed. Even more who’d starved or died of sickness. My sister’s grave was the only one without some sort of headstone. I’d been too busy pitying myself to make one.

  I stood by the foot of her grave and tried imagining a headstone, but couldn’t focus. All I wanted to do was yell at Abby. Shout at her for having given up when I’d found her after all those years. I wanted to howl at her. If she’d just had a little more faith in me, I might’ve found a solution. I would’ve made sure she was safe and that she would’ve stayed alive. I just hadn’t been convincing enough for her to trust that. To trust that I could make the impossible possible. I knew most likely I would have failed, but she hadn’t given me a chance to find out. Somehow, maybe I could have saved her. They’d experimented on her, maybe she wouldn’t have had to die.

  I dropped to my knees in cold fury and buried my hands in the wet grass. I wanted to yell and scream. Wanted to break something to make it hurt less. But when I opened my mouth, no words came out. Instead I sat, staring at my sister’s bleak grave, trying to comprehend reality. Trying to comprehend how the world could still turn in its usual course when my heart had been ripped wide open.

  That was what had always astounded me about death. It was so final, an all-consuming end, yet life went on without interruption for everybody else. Loss was why Alex had changed so gravely after Mary. For some people, the world just couldn’t keep turning. Sometimes, it felt like every breath was a fight and if you stopped fighting, maybe it meant turning out the way Alex had.

  I pushed myself off the ground and to my feet. Felt like battling a weight that tried to push me down. I focused my thoughts on Elin. It was easier then. After all, I was lucky to still have someone. Abby meant a lot to me, but she wasn’t the only person who enabled my world to turn.

  I skulked inside and went to my office. I was sure I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep. I’d gotten maybe four or five hours of sleep per night. After those few hours, my nightmares became too much to bear. At least Elin was sleeping better these days — her nightmares no longer surfaced every night — just occasionally.


  I don’t know how long I’d stared at my desk when Cam knocked on the doorframe.

  “Nigel woke himself up falling out of bed. He only went to sleep after I told him a bedtime story and now I can’t fall back asleep.”

  He didn’t have to ask why I was up.

  “In my dreams, I keep reliving the same damn moment over and over and I just can’t anymore. Every time I yell at her. To stop, to care, to at least explain. I don’t get it. But if I can’t understand it, how am I supposed to forgive her? I mean, how could she not care what her death would do to me? I have a hard time mourning because all I’m doing is loathing her for what she did. But I want to mourn her. And I want to miss her. Every time I try, I want to ask her how she could do this to me. It just seems so selfish, so unlike the Abby I knew.”

  Resigned, I ran a hand through my hair. Needing something to focus on I slid my fingers along the edge of the desk. Cam watched me for a moment.

  “She just didn’t see any other way. C’mon, so many of us have been through so much. Sometimes death might seem like the only way out. We just can’t understand it from our angle.”

  “That’s it, though. We’ve all been through so much shit and we’re all still standing. I mean, my life hasn’t been easy. Neither has yours or Josh’s or even Nigel’s. Same goes for Elin, Jane and Maddy. They’ve all been through similar things Abby has been through and they’re still alive. They never thought of killing themselves. So, why couldn’t she at least keep fighting a bit longer? Maybe I could’ve found a way to save her.”

  Out of frustration I nearly missed the pensive look on Cam’s face. He opened his mouth as if to speak but then seemed to reconsider and stopped.

  “What is it?” I asked, curiosity sparked.

  “I was just thinking that maybe you’re wrong. After all they’d been through, I’m sure one or two might have contemplated it before. Elin’s been through some pretty hopeless stuff, right?”

  He averted his eyes and I knew it was because he was worried about my anger. I managed to stay calm when I asked if he was implying that Elin could be suicidal.

  “No,” Cam said sternly, but maybe it was just to calm me. “I just mean that maybe at some point in time, before she met you, there might’ve been moments when she considered it an option. Like the night you met her. How often have you asked me if I could imagine why she didn’t defend herself?”

  “She’s my fiancée. Don’t you think I’d know if she’d been suicidal?” I asked, and I knew the shock of possibly having missed something so crucial about her past made me sound terrified.

  “Well, it’s not something you just bring up in a conversation. How do you do that? Something along the lines of, ‘My mother used to make me pancakes for breakfast. And by the way, honey, I wanted to die the night I met you.’ Not likely. Especially not for somebody who’s as talkative about her past as Elin.”

  I shook my head slowly. Surely, Cam was wrong. “I know you mean well, but that’s just crazy. I’d know if she’d considered killing herself.”

  Cam exhaled slowly. “All right, then. All I’m saying is that you shouldn’t be so fast to judge. Maybe you don’t need to understand why Abby did it, you know. Maybe it’s enough if you see that your anger only hurts you, and that you’ll have to accept it.”

  Cam was right but it wasn’t easy for me. He went on, a serious look on his face.

  “Elin was worried about you. She even thought you might be in town hooking up with other women. You can’t deny you were behaving a lot like Alex these last few weeks. You were starting to lash out as fast as he does. It had us all worried. So really, please come to terms with Abby’s choice — whether you understand it or not, because doing anything else won’t only hurt you, but those around you as well.”

  “I’m not Alex.” I forced myself to sound calm. “Really. I’ve been going through a rough patch, sure, but I’m not Alex.”

  “Good,” Cam said, then yawned and stretched. “I’m going to go back to bed. You know, maybe you should talk to Jane about sleeping pills. At least for now.”

  “It didn’t help two years ago. I don’t think they’ll help now. The nightmares would still be there, you know. I’d just wake less often. I’ll get through this.”

  Cam paused by the door. “Well, do as you wish. Just keep in mind, we’re here to help, yeah?”

  Thirty-Nine

  Elin

  “You didn’t sleep well?” I asked, when I found Jayden slumped over his desk.

  “No.” He ran a hand over the stubble at his chin. “I had a nightmare. Didn’t want to wake you.”

  “Next time wake me, ok? Let me help,” I told him quietly.

  He smiled ruefully. “It just wouldn’t have helped, you know. I went outside to Abby’s grave. I’m still trying to understand why she did it. I mean, how could she …” He paused and a quick frown crossed his face before he spoke again. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Anything,” I offered.

  “Have you ever been so hopeless you wanted to kill yourself?” His question came so unexpectedly I sat up a little straighter and grew defensive. Why would he ask that? Was he trying to project his anger onto me again? I didn’t get around to responding before he elaborated. “It’s just, I’ve been talking to Cam about how I can’t understand what Abby did. I remembered the night we met. You didn’t even try to fight them off. You had a chance, because they were wasted, but you weren’t even trying.”

  His voice had grown urgent and it made me angry that he was trying to compare me to Abby. I couldn’t deny I’d thought of ending my life, but he’d never understand how horrible my situation had been back then.

  “No,” I spat. “I wasn’t suicidal. I was well beyond that point. I’d lost all my strength and I just wanted everything to end but I was unable to do anything about it. I was so tired of fighting I just wanted everything to end, but saying I’d been suicidal would mean I would’ve had the strength to do something about it. I just hoped that after they were done with me, there wouldn’t have been another night of suffering.”

  Jayden shook his head, and his hands were balled into tight fists. I knew that look on his face — it was the same look he wore when he thought of Abby — and that was painful, because maybe, in his eyes, I was like her now. In his eyes, I’d been ready to give up without thinking about him even though back then I’d had nobody to leave behind.

  “Don’t look at me like that. Don’t pity me because I was hopeless once. I’m still here. I’m still alive.”

  “I don’t pity you,” he said and rose to lean forward. He looked directly at me. “I’m angry. You would’ve been just like her. You would’ve left me behind and I would’ve been broken. Who gave you the right to just give up?”

  I knew his anger wasn’t directed at me. That it was simply him asking the questions he couldn’t ask Abby. I also knew that all my answers and explanations could never satisfy him, so I decided to elaborate and explain how I understood Abby’s death.

  “Before you, it was all one big battle and I was growing weary of even getting into the ring. The night we met I curled up on the ground after you left because I couldn’t fall any deeper when my cheek was pressed to the ground. I was too scared to sleep because I was afraid of waking up screaming and attracting unwanted attention. I’m not that woman anymore, but I do get why Abby did it. She would’ve died, Jayden. She was pregnant and because of that, she would’ve died at their hands. She saw suicide as the only way to die on her terms. For eight years, they took every decision from her and choosing the way and the moment she died was the only choice she had left. You need to grasp that there was absolutely nothing you could’ve done. Hating her for it will only kill you in the end.”

  “I miss her,” he uttered, and I moved into his lap and held him close as he buried his face in my neck.

  “I love you, sweetheart. Please don’t ever give up, ok? I couldn’t bear losing you.” His words vibrated against my skin and I felt him tremble w
ith fear even as I promised I’d never leave him behind.

  ◆◆◆

  After our conversation Jayden seemed to begin coping a little better. He still woke in the middle of the night from nightmares and sometimes I found him by Abby’s grave during sunrise. He no longer was furious at the whole world and while there were still many bad days, days when he mourned her so much he could barely leave our room, there were also days where he was genuinely happy. Although I’d asked him countless times if he wanted to postpone the wedding and give himself more time to grieve, he always declined. He insisted that the wedding was just what he needed to divert his thoughts and that there was nothing he looked forward to more than making me his wife.

  Ever since people had caught on that we were going to get married mid-June they were going crazy, suggesting rituals from their family traditions that we could incorporate. They jumped at the opportunity for a celebration and Jayden and I decided to at least have a small party, like the one we’d had on New Year’s Eve. For the ceremony, we’d limit ourselves to exchanging rings and speaking a few words. Neither of us felt the need for anything bigger.

  Jayden’s friends, especially Cam, insisted on a bachelor party and Jayden had given in and agreed to join them for a few drinks in town one night. Cam had already threatened to ask Jane for sedatives to kidnap him otherwise.

  He was about to leave for his party and I accompanied him to the back of the building when we ran into Cam and Josh.

  “Hey, we’ll be a bit late. Nigel just threw up, so I gotta check in with Jane and see what’s up first. Anyway, you and the others go ahead, Josh and I’ll catch up with you,” Cam told Jayden.

  “You sure?” Jayden asked and I offered to keep an eye on Nigel if he needed me to.