Our Song

by Runow, Lauren

  I’m sitting at the kitchen table, working on lyrics that were so strong in my head that I had to get them down on paper, when a car pulls up to our front gate. I walk to the camera system and smile when I see Jack on his motorcycle out front.

  I press the code to let him in and step out onto the front porch to wait his arrival.

  “What’s up, bro?” We slap hands as he steps up to my house. “How the hell are you?”

  “Same old shit, just another day. Wanted to go for a ride, so I thought I’d stop by, see how things are going.”

  “Cool. Yeah, come on in.”

  We head toward the kitchen.

  “Want something to drink?”

  He eyes me. “I know you don’t have beer—lame ass—so what do you have?”

  I laugh out loud. They always give me shit for not drinking, but I know they’re just teasing. “Water, Coke, or a juice box.” I playfully hold up the juice box.

  “Don’t give me that shit.” He reaches in and grabs the Coke, and I place the juice box back in the fridge. “Any word on Max?”

  “Nah, they said to keep the contact down for a few weeks while he goes through detox. No news is good news, I guess. They said we can email him, but I haven’t checked in yet, wanted to give him some time.”

  He pulls out the stool at my kitchen counter and picks up the paper I was working on. “What’s this? New lyrics?” He reads them over.

  “Just an idea I’m playing with.”

  Ever since I met Sarah, I’ve been writing slower, more romantic songs. I know they aren’t for my band, but I had to get them out anyway. After hearing about the song she sang the other day, ideas have been swarming my brain, and they all include her.

  “These have to do with your new girl?”

  I eye him. Not because of the way he just said that, but because I can tell he’s got something to add, and I wait for him to do so.

  “Look, I knew she looked familiar the other day, and I finally put it together.”

  I stop him as their two stories from the past collide in my head. “New York.”

  “So, it is her?”

  He’s never talked about why he left New York. He just said the music scene had some shit go down, and I never cared enough to ask. Now, everything is coming together.

  “It is. She just filled me in the other day.”

  He leans back against the counter. “Fuck. That was some fucked up shit. Glad to hear she’s okay. I was good friends with Donnie, the drummer from her band. Honestly, I thought she died too. After the accident, I never heard her name again.”

  Realization that I never asked her stage name hits me. “She moved back home after the accident and hasn’t been in the industry at all ever since.”

  He grabs his phone from his back pocket, scrolling like he’s looking for something. “That’s really why I came by. I wasn’t sure what to think of it when I put it together. It’s kind of an odd coincidence that she’s in your life this way—with Cailin and all. In this world, it’s hard to make sure people are on the up and up.”

  I laugh out loud. “Believe me, there’s nothing fishy going on with Sarah. If it’s an odd coincidence, then that’s because it was meant to be. She’s been through some crazy shit, and she is still dealing with it. I came unannounced into her life, not the other way around.”

  He pulls up an article and hands me the phone where a headline turns my stomach.

  Two Members of Band Killed, One on Life Support.

  I read the article, reading the same accounts of what Sarah shared with me. I see the man who did it and read that Sarah used the last name of Hart. Jack stays quiet as I take in everything my girl went through.

  At the end, I inhale a deep breath and hand it back to him. “Sorry you lost your friend.”

  He sighs and grabs the phone. “He was a decent guy. He and I shared a place for a few months when I first got to New York, before he hooked up with her.” He clicks on his phone to something else and hands it back to me. “This was him, on the right.”

  The picture is of Sarah with guys on either side of her. Her outfit is edgy with short shorts and over-the-knee boots. Her tight top covers enough to make it sexy but not slutty. Her hair was darker then. I like her hair now, but I’m digging the way this looks on her.

  Seeing my girl like this gives me an instant hard-on. All day, I’ve been working on songs to sing with her. Imagining her next to me onstage, looking like this, would be a fucking dream.

  “It took me a while to find this shot, but it was driving me nuts. I knew I recognized her from somewhere.”

  “Did you ever see her perform?”

  His eyebrows curve in as he nods. “Hell yes, is all I have to say about that. She was something special. She’s why I left New York. When I thought someone with her talent died because of a jealous douche bag, I knew I didn’t want to be in that scene anymore.” He picks up the lyrics I’m working on again. “Is she planning on singing again?”

  “If I can get her to.”

  His eyes open wide. “Seriously?”

  “We haven’t spoken about it, but you’re not the first person to say she has an amazing voice.”

  “You haven’t heard her sing yet?”

  My laughter catches him off guard. “I’ve heard her sing Jesus Loves Me with Cailin, but I get the feeling that’s a little different than what you’ve heard.”

  “Why would she sing that with Cailin?”

  “Her dad’s a pastor of the local church. She sings there every Sunday. While I was gone, they sang it together.”

  “No shit? She’s a churchgoing girl?”

  I sigh. “Yep, but I guess her dad has some issues with her seeing me.”

  “Ha! If he only knew how straight your ass really was. Are you going to set him straight?”

  I stand tall. “If he’ll let me. First things first though. Help me with these lyrics.”

  * * *

  Jack and I are so lost in polishing the song that we completely lose track of time until Cailin comes running in the house.

  “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy. I got invited to a birthday party in a few weeks. Can I go? Pleeeaasssse?” She places her hands under her chin in a begging form that I’m such a sucker for.

  “You’re so screwed with that one.” Jack chuckles under his breath as he slaps my shoulder with the back of his hand before he sits up to get another drink.

  When Sarah enters the house behind her, I raise my eyebrows in question of this invitation, and she nods her approval.

  “Okay. I’ll have to meet her parents and make sure it’s okay if one of us hangs out the entire party, but if Sarah says it’s okay, then you can go.”

  “Yes!” Cailin jumps up, throwing her fist in the air. “Thanks, Sarah!” She runs to give her a hug.

  I stand to get my hug next. “How was your day, dear?” I tease, making her laugh as I kiss her lips.

  When we turn the corner to the kitchen, Sarah is surprised to see Jack standing there. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt. What are you guys working on?” She points to papers spread all over the table.

  “It’s for you actually,” I say, gauging her response.

  “For me?” She picks up a sheet, reading, “Hear me now.”

  “Isn’t that what you were working on the other day?” Cailin asks as she climbs up onto the stool.

  “Yeah, Jack was helping me finalize it and a few others.”

  “They’re songs?” Sarah asks, glancing at the other sheets of paper. “How are they for me?”

  My eyes meet Jack’s, and he grins before giving his attention back to Sarah.

  “I’ve heard you sing before,” he says, making Sarah drop the sheet she was holding. Her statue-like stature makes Jack and I glance at each other. “I was friends with Donnie.”

  Her face goes white as her baby blues shine. “You were?” She slowly sits as she takes in the conversation.

  “Yeah. I came to see you perform a few times. You have talent, a
nd with these songs, I think you and Adam could knock it out of the park.”

  “Me and Adam?” She jerks toward me. “I’m not coming in between you and your band.” She holds up her hands in defeat, making me laugh.

  “Of course you’re not. But there’s nothing that says I can’t have a side project. Something a little different, a little softer.” I place my hand on hers as she stares up at me.

  Sarah slowly shakes her head from side to side, more in disbelief than in denial. Her eyes are open wide, and I question if she’s taken a breath.

  “Well, that’s my cue to head out,” Jack says as he stands up and grabs his things.

  Sarah stays silent as I walk my friend out.

  “Thanks for your help today. I’m digging what we have going.” I slap hands with him.

  “Yeah, man. Her voice can carry some of that shit. It’s got me excited too. Keep me posted. You guys are welcome to come to the studio when you’re ready.”

  “Okay. I’ll let you know.”

  He leaves, and I head back to Cailin, who’s moved into the living room, watching cartoons.

  “Have you finished your homework?”

  “It’s Friday, Dad. I don’t have any homework,” she deadpans, giving me a silly expression.

  I rub her hair, messing it up for sassing me. “Doesn’t mean I can’t make sure.”

  She pushes me away as she laughs.

  “We’ll be in the kitchen if you need anything.”

  “Okie dokie, artichokie.” She holds her thumb up, giving her attention back to the screen.

  When I enter the kitchen again, Sarah looks like she’s about to be sick.

  She shakes her head at me. “No, Adam, I can’t. These songs, they can’t be for me, for us. I’ve already tried this. It didn’t work out, remember? I had my shot already. I’m not singing like this anymore. No, I can’t. What if people don’t like it? I can’t put myself out there again, only to live through the disappointment when—”

  I pick up her hands in mine and stare straight into her eyes. “Take a deep breath.” I inhale and exhale with her. “I’m not saying we need to head out on tour tomorrow. You’ve lit something inside me, and these lyrics were the result. We won’t do anything you don’t want to, but I’d love to hear you sing them with me. Even if it’s only for us.”

  “It’s just … Adam … I …”

  I lean in to kiss her, trying to calm her nerves. I tightly hold her in my arms as I take everything I want from her, hopefully giving her all of me as well.

  When I pull back, her eyes are full of tears. “I just can’t. I’m sorry.”

  She grabs her purse and walks out my back door. I watch through the windows as she makes her way around my house, avoiding having to say good-bye to Cailin as she gets in her car and drives away.

  * * *

  Having to explain to Cailin why Sarah left without saying goodbye was interesting. It’s not often that I have adult-type conversations with her, and I didn’t want to tell her about Sarah’s past, so I was left in a bit of a quagmire.

  She asked if she could call Sarah, but I wanted to give her some time, so I told her we would in the morning.

  After putting Cailin down for bed, I walk down the stairs just as Sarah’s car pulls up to my gate. She has a code, but I watch as she sits at the gate for a few minutes, obviously still struggling with whatever is going on in her head.

  I question if I should go to her, but whatever it is, she needs to work through it on her own. When her hand sticks out the window to push the gate code, I inhale and make my way to the door, glad she’s taking those last steps to have this conversation instead of running away like I feel she has many times before.

  I open my front door and step down to the driveway. For a moment, she sits in her car, staring up at me before she puts it in park and exits.

  Her lips rub together as she nervously makes her way toward me.

  When she’s in front of me, her hand reaches out to touch mine. I stay silent, waiting for her to speak first.

  “I’m sorry for leaving,” she says, barely above a whisper.

  I curl my fingers with hers, letting her know it’s okay but waiting for her to speak more.

  “I panicked. It’s all just happening so fast. I finally came to terms with having you in my life and then had that fight with my father. Knowing you’re in the music industry was hard enough for me to deal with. I never thought I would go down that road again.”

  I can’t keep silent any more. “But why not?”

  She wraps her arms around my waist, pulling me into her and burying her head on my chest. I let her, sensing she needs strength right now. I’m thankful she wants it from me instead of pushing me away again.

  “I wanted your life so bad. I wanted to be the one onstage, having people sing my lyrics and screaming when they heard me perform them live. I was so close; I could taste it. Then, in the blink of an eye, it was gone. It took me over a year to recover from my injuries, having to have multiple surgeries. By then, everyone had moved on, so I did too. Especially with my father threatening to disown me. I’m terrified I won’t be able to make it through if it doesn’t work out again. I can only be crushed like that once in my lifetime.”

  I wrap my arms around her tighter, holding her for as long as she needs. When I feel her body calm, I pull back, placing my forehead to hers. “It’s okay, Sarah. You don’t have to do anything today or even next month. You have talent, and I’d hate for you not to follow your dreams. I believe in you. I wouldn’t be standing here if I didn’t. Just be open to the idea; that’s all I ask.”

  She nods her head ever so slightly.

  “Come on. Let’s grab a blanket and go sit by the fire.”

  She takes a deep breath and nods as we step inside to get the blanket before heading out back. As she cuddles into my side, I play with her hair.

  I’m dying to talk about the songs I wrote, but I don’t want to push her. I’m happy she came back and that I didn’t have to hunt her down, begging for her to sing them with me.

  It’s been a long time since a song I wrote has gripped me like this one has. There’s a feeling I get deep in my gut that proves what I’m doing is exactly what I should be doing, and this song is dead on. Even Jack was surprised I’d gotten as far as I did in the short amount of time.

  When lyrics fly like that, you can’t deny their magic.

  To my surprise, she brings it up first. “So, tell me about these songs.” Her sight stays glued on the fire and not on me.

  “I started working on them the first night you came over.” I try to act nonchalant about them as I continue to play with her hair. “Every album I’ve put out is a little different as I evolve in my own life. After meeting you, I felt a new direction coming.”

  “But, Adam, your fans are pretty hard core. It’s not smart to change your sound like that.”

  I place my hand on hers. “I’m not. I’ll still have Devil’s Breed. Max is going to need a break, especially from touring. And, now that Cailin’s in school, I think I will too. I’ve been trying to figure out what my next move is for a while. When I met you, things started making sense, and that was when I had no clue about your past. It wasn’t until the other day that I thought about actually doing something with you. Jack only came over today because he remembered where he’d seen you before.”

  “Donnie was such a good guy,” she says more to herself than me.

  I rub my thumb over hers. “He said the same thing. I knew things went down in New York, but he never talked about it until today. When I told him about the songs I was writing with you in mind, he was on board. He says you have a true talent. I’d love to hear you for real.”

  She laughs. “My dad would really love that,” she says under her breath.

  “Is this your life or your dad’s?” I sit up to look at her.

  “It’s not that simple.”

  “You said you’ve already told him what you want. So, let’s help him see what
’s possible. I told you I’d do right by him. Let me try.”

  She bites her bottom lip as her gaze leaves me and goes back to the fire. The truth is written all over her face. She still has the want, the desire to follow her dreams.

  I’m going to be the one to make it happen.

  “Hold that thought.” I stand up and head back into the house to get the song Jack and I just finished.

  When I come back, I hand it to her. “This is the one I was working on the first night you came over. I knew something was missing. It was you. I’ve never done a ballad with another singer. I’ve never wanted to. Until now.”

  She tilts her head and stares up at me. “Did you really just say ballad? Adam, your fans will laugh. They’ll be wondering what I did to you if you come out with some cheesy love ballad.”

  A hard laugh escapes my mouth. “You’re right. That’s why it’s not. It’s my version of a love song. It’s our song. It’s how I’ve felt since I met you, just in my own way. Read it. Offer your input. Make it yours.”

  I stay silent as she takes it in.

  I can’t believe she thought I’d write a sappy love song for us. I don’t think I have it in me to write something like that. I wrote my version of it, which is full of hidden meanings that I’m hoping she’ll understand.

  It’s hard for me to express the feelings that have been running through me lately. Anger, hurt, disappointment—I’ve written all of that in the past. Love, like what I’m feeling for her, is all new to me.

  “I like how you say, You just want to be something.” She points to the line.

  “I added that today. After hearing your story, it made me think of you. I know you want more out of life. I want you to have that.”

  Her eyes meet mine, and I see all the pain she’s lived through by not being able to follow her dreams. She was so close to making it big, only to have it ripped all away. I remember those days. I was living them while she was losing hers.

  It wasn’t until we added Jack that things really took off. To think we only got him because of what had happened to her makes my head spin. It’s funny how life can twist and turn in certain ways, then bring you right back to where you belong.