Road to Recovery

by Ann, Natalie

  “I’m glad you’re here,” she said as she looked up with a quick smile and then snuggled in closer to his chest.

  Seeing the first genuine smile on her face in days, he realized he’d made the right decision tonight.

  Pulling back from his embrace, she asked, “If you aren’t too hungry, can we wait a bit and have a talk?”

  He nodded. She led him back into the living room. Following him to the couch, she chose to sit a bit farther away and turned to curl one leg under her while she gripped her hands together in her lap. Finding a comfortable position, this had to be hard for her.

  She looked at him for a moment while he sat there patiently waiting for her to start. He’d let her take her time, knew it was important to her.

  Brooke took a deep breath and started. “I don’t know how to say this, or how to begin. I should start by apologizing.” She ignored his frown. “I was talking to Mac earlier, and he made me realize there are things I should have told you before now. Things you should have known. My only excuse is I wanted to forget about them—and that I was afraid. Afraid to talk about them. It’s not easy. Much easier to forget any of it happened at all.”

  He reached over, laid his hand on top of hers, much like he did weeks ago during another one of her difficult conversations. He tried to comfort her, as he always did when she needed it. Right there for her, like he always wanted to be.

  Threading her fingers through his, she laid her head back and shut her eyes. It seemed the only way she could say what needed to be said. As if she needed to feel she was alone, so speaking out loud somehow seemed easier. He didn’t care how she did it, as long as she talked to him.

  “One year ago today I was in a car accident. You know that much. What you don’t know is that I was a passenger in the car. There was someone else driving that night.” Even though her head was still resting on the back of the couch, she opened her eyes and turned to look into his. “He didn’t survive.”

  A ton of questions raced through his mind. So many things he wanted to ask, but he held his tongue.

  “His name was Robbie. We had been dating for about a year at that point. We worked together. Actually you could say I worked for him. His parents own the firm I worked for. He was being groomed to take it over. But that never happened. I walked away, barely, but he didn’t walk away at all.”

  Of all the things Lucas thought she would tell him, that wasn’t it. He was fighting every urge to not be angry right now. She’d had plenty of time to tell him about Robbie, plenty of time to mention his name in some form. But all she ever said in the beginning was that she had gotten out of a relationship. Having that person die wasn’t getting out of a relationship.

  What happened to her wasn’t her choice. And he couldn’t help but feel jealous on one hand that she had been with someone for over a year, and guilty over the happiness he felt on how it ended, because otherwise he would have never met her if Robbie hadn’t died. She would belong to someone else and still be living in Vermont.

  There were so many things he wanted to say and ask, but he needed to tread carefully. He knew she had struggled with this, but he felt cheated that she had never shared something that important with him. Something that personal. And as hard as he tried, he couldn’t keep the hurt out of his voice. “It never occurred to you to tell me that someone you had been involved with for a year died in the same accident that could have left you crippled? Why would you omit that? You never thought that was important?”

  He knew she saw the hurt in his eyes, but she ignored it as she avoided his glance and looked around the room. “I didn’t want your pity,” she said. “Like when you found out about my accident. I told you it’s not something you blurt out. This is the same thing. I’ve moved on. I’ve made another life for myself. It’s what I needed to do to move on.”

  He watched her face, knew something more was going on. Knew she was holding something more back. He let go of her hand and stood up to pace, agitation clear on his face. “What is it about you and pity? Just because someone feels bad for you, you assume they pity you. And so what if they do? Brooke, what happened to you was tragic. But you survived. Some might even say you thrived.”

  He kept pacing and then stopped to look her in the eye. “You asked me for honesty in the beginning. You said it was important to you. But you didn’t follow your own rules. How do you think that makes me feel?” He saw the guilt on her face, watched her hold her emotions in check and block everything out.

  “Omission isn’t lying,” she told him bluntly. Her faced turned red as his eyes narrowed in on hers.

  “What?” he roared. “Are you kidding me? You know how stupid that sounds, right? Omission is lying. If you know what you’re omitting is important. If it’s important enough that you have to hide it, then you know it’s wrong.”

  The conversation was going nowhere fast. He watched the range of emotions race over Brooke’s face, from shock, to guilt, to embarrassment and now fear. She had never seen him angry before, but right now he was beyond anger. It was total disbelief that she could blow off something so important in her life, hide some that monumental from him.

  She shrank back from his words. He watched the guilt pile on. Saw the tears forming in her eyes. She took a deep breath and stood up stiffly, moved a few feet from him. “I’m sorry. I made a judgment call. It was a poor one. I’m trying to rectify that now. I didn’t mean to lie to you.”

  Astonished at how she could shut down all her emotions, he saw that switch flip off when she stood up, turning her into the person who always stayed in control, who always said the right rehearsed words.

  “No, you didn’t mean to lie to me. But that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t have done it any different, right?” he asked her, hating that he knew how she would answer.

  “No. If I went back in time, I would have most likely done the same thing.”

  “You can’t see it from my side, can you?” he asked, hurt and disappointment in his eyes, the anger gone. He hadn’t meant to frighten her.

  “You’re upset I didn’t tell you the details of my accident. I understand that. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” she repeated stonily.

  “Is that all you think it is? That I’m hurt I didn’t know the details of your accident? Well, you are wrong!” She couldn’t be this naïve. All the anger was coming back. “I’m hurt that you were in a relationship for over a year. And knowing you the way I do, that means it was serious. So you had a serious long-term relationship with someone else.”

  He stopped to stare at her, his face twisted with anguish. “You know, I can compete with another person. I can’t compete with a ghost. I can’t win against a ghost,” he said sadly.

  Confusion showed on her face. “What are you talking about?”

  “You really don’t get it. You don’t see it at all. I know we’re moving fast. But if you opened your eyes and looked, you would see. You would see I’m falling for you, hard. It would have been nice to know that I had to fight ghosts in your past, too.”

  He added bitterly, “Telling me things are ‘complicated’ is a joke compared to what you confessed.”

  With her shoulders slumped in defeat, she sat back down on the couch. “I’m sorry,” she repeated. “Tell me what to do to make this right.”

  His heart broke watching her struggle, she looked so helpless. He saw the tears start to form in her eyes and her effort to hold them back. He didn’t want to soften, but he couldn’t help walking over and sitting next to her. She looked crushed. So clueless to what she said tonight and why she didn’t think it was important.

  Reaching over, he pulled her into his arms and held her. “Don’t lie to me. I’m not saying everything is fine, because it’s not. But it’s over for now.”

  ***

  She understood what he was saying. But she couldn’t tell him everything. She couldn’t reassure him he wasn’t fighting a ghost. It wasn’t something she wanted to relive, something she wanted anyone else to know. No one neede
d to know how stupid she was. She didn’t want to remember herself. No one else needed to know what happened the night of the accident.

  Deathly afraid she ruined everything, she could only hold on to the hope that he could forgive her.

  She took a deep breath, shuddered, and held her tears back, trying to regain control of her emotions. He continued to hold her, rubbing a hand up and down her back. She whispered, “Don’t give up on me.”

  ***

  Lying in bed that night with his hands stacked behind his head, staring out the window in front of him at the star-filled sky, Lucas couldn’t help but think about Brooke’s confession tonight. He was hurt. There was no way around it. He hurt for her, and for what she went through. But he hurt for himself, too.

  It was on the tip of his tongue to ask her if she still loved Robbie. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Deep down he didn’t want to know the answer. He was afraid she would say yes.

  He thought it was obvious by the way she’d been the last few days. She was probably battling those demons she talked about in the past. Looking at her past life with one guy who was gone—and comparing it to her life with him at the present. How could he compete?

  When she told him she had gotten out of a relationship, he assumed something went wrong, as it can between two people. He hoped this Robbie had been a jerk, that she broke things off with him, and that she wasn’t still longing for a life with him, nursing a broken heart.

  Wishful thinking on his part, because knowing that Robbie died when they’d still been together, how did you resolve those feelings? When the last thing you felt for someone before they died was love?

  Lucas was a man who always won in the end. He always had to win. He did what he needed to do to win. But how do I win something I can’t fight? I can’t fight someone else’s memories. I can’t fight someone else’s demons either.

  He’d almost slipped and told her he loved her. It took everything he had to keep it within himself. It wasn’t the right time. And he was sure it would have made matters worse.

  She asked him to not give up on her. He was holding on to that. It was all he had at the moment to pacify him. It gave him hope that maybe, just maybe she really did love him back, whether she knew it or not.

  He realized he had been lying there for over thirty minutes. He couldn’t settle down, couldn’t relax. And then it dawned on him, he hadn’t told her good night.

  Once she had calmed down earlier, and he’d gotten himself under control, he gave her a quick kiss, and said, “It’s probably best if I leave now. Give us both some time to process things.” She almost seemed relieved when he said it and he tried not to be hurt even more by that.

  She was probably asleep. But he still had to do it. His parents never went to bed angry at each other. “Always go to bed with a kiss and an ‘I love you.’ It will make for a better night’s sleep, regardless of how angry or hurt you both might be,” his mother once told him.

  With his mind made up, he picked up his phone and typed a fast, Good night, baby, and hit send before he changed his mind. When the text was returned within seconds saying the same exact thing, he smiled, turned over and closed his eyes.

  Mac’s Visit

  “I wonder if that’s Mac?” Brooke asked when a car door shut.

  Lucas watched Brooke jump up. The same exact way she had three times prior in the last thirty minutes. He thought it was cute to see her so excited and happy over Mac’s visit. He only wished he didn’t feel envious at the same time. Envious that he couldn’t seem to put that excited happy look in her eyes.

  Watching Brooke walk to the window and peek out, he couldn’t help but think she almost resembled a child longing for Santa’s visit. When she rushed to the door, he rose himself to make his way towards her.

  By the time he made it to the foyer, he was shocked to see Mac lifting Brooke off the ground in a hug similar to the one she received from Ryan. The one she fought so hard not to stiffen through.

  He knew she wasn’t used to a family that expressed their emotions often, and he found it amusing to watch her get a handle on his own family.

  But seeing her with Mac made him start to wonder about her family life. Until he remembered that Mac was the opposite of her. Where she shrank back from expressing herself, Mac embraced life and how he felt, letting everyone know.

  The second shock came from the sheer size of Mac. He looked to be similar in height to himself, but that was where the comparison ended. Where he was lean, Mac was all muscle, broad of shoulder, and thick of thigh. He looked more like a football player than a pediatrician.

  The facial similarities in the siblings were uncanny. They both shared the same sharp cheekbones, dark brown hair and whiskey-colored eyes. Lucas wouldn’t go as far as to say that Mac was a female version of Brooke, but it was close.

  Mac noticed Lucas standing a few feet away and put Brooke back on the ground, then draped his arm protectively around her shoulders.

  Though Mac was smiling at him, Lucas still felt the unspoken words. “Don’t mess with my sister.”

  ***

  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” Lucas said, leaned in for a kiss good night, then dropped his forehead to hers. He ignored the fact that Mac could see them from the other room and whispered, “Good night.”

  She squeezed his hand in a silent thank you for letting her have this night alone with Mac. “I’ll text you when we are on our way.”

  With one last kiss, she was shutting the door behind him. Turning on her heels, she saw Mac staring at her with one eyebrow raised. “He didn’t have to leave on my account.”

  She rolled her eyes, her only response a snort as she walked back over and sat on the couch across from him.

  “What?” he asked innocently.

  This time she raised her eyebrow at him. “Mac, I don’t need your protection. There’s no need to be a guard dog around Lucas. And he was the one that suggested an early night. He figured we would want some time alone.”

  “Oh,” he replied with a frown.

  “He isn’t like Robbie. Trust me, I know the difference.”

  Tilting his head to one side, Mac’s face softened. “How are things now? After you told him about Robbie? And what did you tell him exactly?”

  “Things are good. Back to where they were before. It was an awkward couple of days, but we got through it,” she said, remembering how quiet Lucas was around her that next day. “I told him the basics. Robbie and I worked together, we dated for a year and that he was driving the car the night of the accident. I really didn’t want to go into more details. I know it hurt him. I know I hurt him by not telling him earlier. And I hope I’m doing the right thing by not telling him the whole story about that night. Nothing can change what happened.”

  “No, nothing can change what happened that night. And you can’t dwell on it. Personally, I think you waited too long to tell Lucas, but you can’t change that either. You told him, and you got through it.”

  She knew she disappointed Mac with how she handled the situation with Lucas. If truth were told, she disappointed herself, too. But she didn’t want him to know that, instead she wanted to give him grief. “Oh, you’re going to take his side, huh? Considering you just did your best to act like a protective guardian,” she accused. “And by the way, I know him, and I bet he found it more amusing than anything, the way you acted tonight.”

  He grinned at her. “Sorry. It’s a guy thing. I’m supposed to protect you. But I can’t help but think that if I were in his shoes I wouldn’t have been happy either. I just met the guy, Brooke, but the way you talk about him, the things you say he does and how he acts around you, it all sounds like a guy who is pretty heavily invested. He had a right to know is all I’m saying.” Brooke eyes watered, she blinked back the tears, and he continued on. “I’m not saying it was wrong, but it wasn’t right either.”

  “That statement makes no sense at all,” she argued, disgruntled at how he could flip back and forth emotiona
lly.

  With a shrug and grin so like Lucas’s he burst out laughing, then sobered instantly. “I want you happy. If he makes you happy, then I’m for him.” He changed the subject. “So tell me about this party tomorrow?”

  “I can’t even begin to describe his family to you. You have to see it for yourself. It’s so unlike anything we were ever exposed to.”

  “How so?”

  “You know me, I wanted to know a little bit more, so I researched his family. They own a big law firm in the area. By all appearances, on paper at least, they would fit perfectly into our parents’ social circle. But it’s on paper only. Lucas’s father, Thomas, is a big bear of a man. Every picture I saw of him online was serious and intimating, the same with Ryan, Lucas’s brother. I expected to meet these two gruff men, but that isn’t what happened at all.”

  She paused, drew her eyebrows together and tried to think a bit more. “If I had to sum us up in comparison to a TV show, I could say we were raised by a Stepford wife.”

  In Mac’s most proper and stiff voice he answered her, “That is an embarrassingly correct analysis.” Then ruined it by snorting, which made him laugh again, and her chuckle.

  “Anyway,” she continued despite his interruption. “Well, Lucas was raised like The Cosby Show. I know how it sounds,” she rushed on before he could interrupt her again, “but I’m serious. It’s the way they all interact. Honestly, you have to see for yourself tomorrow. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  ***

  Lucas questioned Brooke when she walked through the hall toward the open living space where he was watching TV, after noticing the two bags Mac was carrying. “Are you staying a week?”

  “Of course not. I convinced Mac to stay over tonight too. I explained how it would be more practical, since it would shave an hour off his drive home later tomorrow night. And would let him relax and have a few drinks without worrying about driving back to my place tonight.”