Prairie Home Companion, A (movie tie-in)

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Prairie Home Companion, A (movie tie-in) Page 9

by Keillor, Garrison


  And one says, “You look like you’re wearing

  a tuxedo.” And the other penguin says, “Who

  says I’m not?”

  DANGEROUS WOMAN

  Is there more?

  GK

  No.

  DANGEROUS WOMAN

  That’s the joke?

  GK

  Yes.

  DANGEROUS WOMAN

  Why is that funny?

  GK

  It’s funny because people laugh at it.

  DANGEROUS WOMAN

  I’m not laughing.

  GK

  You’re an angel.

  DANGEROUS WOMAN

  My husband loved your show. He was so

  torn up after I died, he couldn’t bear to listen

  to your show ever again.

  GK

  You were on your way to see him?

  DANGEROUS WOMAN

  No, I was going to see Larry.

  GK

  Oh.

  DANGEROUS WOMAN

  My lover.

  She stands up and walks to the door and turns.

  DANGEROUS WOMAN

  Married woman, shacking up with another

  guy, and here I am. Go figure. God has his

  own way of looking at things, that’s for sure.

  I used to like to sing. I don’t even remember

  how it’s done. You open your mouth, right?

  I’ve seen that . . .

  She opens and closes her mouth. She smiles at him. She opens her mouth and forms an O shape. And then a crying shape. She tries out different shapes: small and pursed, wide, twisted, various grimaces.

  GK

  Can I go upstairs now?

  DANGEROUS WOMAN

  Oh, of course. I didn’t come to get you.

  GK

  They’re probably wondering where I went.

  DANGEROUS WOMAN

  You’re okay. What did the second penguin

  say?

  GK

  “Who says I’m not?”

  DANGEROUS WOMAN

  Okay.

  He gets up to go.

  GK

  See you later.

  DANGEROUS WOMAN

  Take your time.

  CUT TO:

  39A INT. FITZGERALD THEATER—SAME TIME

  GK strides to the microphone.

  GK

  Thank you, Guys’ All Star Shoe Band, and

  that brings us up to the hour, time to break

  for station identification. Don’t go away—

  we’ll be back with more right after this.

  The curtain descends as we hear the WLT studio announcer on the P.A.

  STUDIO ANNOUNCER

  This is WLT, the Friendly Neighbor station,

  with studios in St. Paul and Minneapolis.

  A recorded commercial follows, faded down, as MOLLY and STAGE MANAGER come out to the podium onstage, followed by GUY NOIR. MOLLY sorts through the welter of papers on the podium, pulls out most of them, takes some new pages from the STAGE MANAGER, inserts those in the stack.

  MOLLY

  You didn’t see any of the Soderbergs in the

  audience—

  GK

  Nope.

  GK is going through papers, reordering them.

  STAGE MANAGER

  If you do, have them stand up. Talk about

  what great bosses they are and how loyal

  they are to the show and how much we all

  love ’em. Get the audience to give ’em a

  big round of applause. Humiliate ’em.

  MOLLY

  Al—

  STAGE MANAGER

  Better yet, bring ’em up here and we’ll give

  ’em that trophy.

  MOLLY

  Hard to believe that next week we’ve got to

  start looking for work—

  GUY NOIR

  I’ve got plenty of work.

  MOLLY

  What?

  GUY NOIR

  Lot of things. You name it.

  STAGE MANAGER

  You got Lola down for a song?

  GK

  I didn’t see her name.

  STAGE MANAGER

  Well, I promised her mother.

  GK

  Okay. Just tell me when.

  STAGE MANAGER returns to his desk.

  GUY NOIR

  Could I have a word with you?

  He sidles up next to the podium, looks around.

  GUY NOIR

  We’ve got a situation here that we’re

  monitoring and I thought you ought to be

  apprised of it.

  GK

  You mean, the woman in the white coat?

  GUY NOIR

  You saw her?

  GK

  Uh-huh.

  GUY NOIR

  You spoke to her?

  GK

  No.

  GUY NOIR

  If you see her in the audience, give me the

  high sign.

  He demonstrates, hand behind back, waggling fingers.

  GUY NOIR

  See how that works? Give me the sign and

  use a code word. Like indemnity. Better yet,

  Granite Falls.

  GK

  How does that work?

  GUY NOIR

  “We’d like to do a song for a listener from

  Granite Falls.”

  He demonstrates hand behind back and finger waggle.

  GK

  Code, huh. That’s how I got into radio, you

  know that?

  GUY NOIR

  I’m not kidding.

  GK

  I was a deckhand on an ore boat, the Joseph J.

  O’Connell, on Lake Superior. Did I ever tell

  you that story?

  GUY NOIR

  Many times.

  GK

  It was November. We were taking forty-foot

  waves across the bow and they were hitting

  the wheelhouse and the navigation

  equipment was out and I was on the bridge

  and the old man says to me, “Get on the

  radio and stay on the radio so the Coast

  Guard can give us a location.”

  GUY NOIR

  So you went on the radio and you sang and

  told jokes for two hours and the ship made it

  safely to port.

  GK

  Right. Two hours. So I told you that.

  GUY NOIR

  Granite Falls.

  He demonstrates finger waggle again and exits.

  MOLLY

  Thirty seconds. What are you going to do for

  work?

  GK

  Me?

  MOLLY

  Yeah. You.

  GK

  I want a job where I don’t have to talk at all.

  MOLLY

  Why?

  GK

  That’s why.

  MOLLY

  What do you mean?

  GK

  Exactly.

  MOLLY is watching the STAGE MANAGER in the wings and gives GK the sign.

  MOLLY

  You’re on.

  GK

  Welcome back to A Prairie Home Companion

  brought to you by New Munich beer.

  Remember when parties used to be fun—

  back when everyone drank beer? Before

  people got so serious about wine? Try New

  Munich. It’s cheap and—darn it—it makes

  people happy.

  GK (SINGS WITH BAND)

  Have a glass and tell a joke a

  Bout a man who danced the polka

  And remember that the party has to end, my friend.

  Adieu, adieu, kind friends, adieu.

  GK (SINGS WITH BAND) (CONT’D)

  But first let’s have another brew.

  I can’t wait to take you home, my dear.

  Boy O boy, New Munich beer.
r />   The song ends.

  GK

  Coming up next, the Johnson Girls and the

  Old Trailhands, Dusty and Lefty, and right

  now, Miss Jearlyn Steele . . .

  40 INT. FITZGERALD THEATER—SAME TIME

  Onstage, JEARLYN stands listening to the SHOE BAND, a slow blues, and then she picks up her cue and sings.

  JEARLYN

  The day is short

  The night is long

  Why do you work so hard

  To get what you don’t even want?

  We work so hard to get ahead in the game

  Give up half our lives until we’ve won.

  And one night we sit on the edge of the bed

  And we think, “Lord, what have I done?”

  The day is short

  The night is long

  Why do you work so hard

  To get what you don’t even want.

  She turns to the BAND, and the PIANIST plays a break.

  DISSOLVE TO:

  41 INT. FITZGERALD WINGS—SAME TIME

  The STAGE MANAGER is looking up at the clock, his lips move as he calculates minutes remaining in the broadcast.

  STAGE MANAGER

  How can that be? We’re running slow?

  Where’d we lose six minutes?

  The DANGEROUS WOMAN enters and stands behind him, looking out to the stage.

  JEARLYN (SINGS O.C.)

  The man in the suit kisses his babies good-bye.

  “Daddy’s going on a trip, honey, don’t you cry.”

  And he’s gone for a week then he’s home for a day.

  Pretty soon they don’t cry when Daddy goes away.

  The day is short

  The night is long

  Why do you work so hard

  To get what you don’t even want.

  CUT TO:

  42 INT. FITZGERALD THEATER—SAME TIME

  JEARLYN stands all the way downstage, illuminated in a single spot.

  JEARLYN (SINGS)

  Go to the mall and go from store to store.

  Everybody’s killing time until death walks through the door

  Then you look around at all your merchandise

  And you see you’ve paid much too high a price.

  JEARLYN (SINGS) (CONT’D)

  The day is short

  The night is long

  Why do you work so hard

  To get what you don’t even want.

  CUT TO:

  43 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE DRESSING ROOM—MOMENTS LATER

  The door with the Do Not Disturb sign slowly opens and DUSTY emerges, pale and shaken. Pulls cigarette out of pack in pocket. Lights it. Takes a deep drag. Looks off to right.

  GUY NOIR (O.C.)

  Hey!

  DUSTY jumps, drops cigarette, bends down to get it, comes up red-faced.

  GUY NOIR

  No smoking, mister.

  DUSTY

  Chuck Akers is dead. He’s gone.

  GUY NOIR

  I don’t follow your reasoning there.

  DUSTY

  I said Chuck’s dead.

  GUY NOIR

  Who’s dead?

  DUSTY

  Chuck.

  GUY NOIR

  When?

  DUSTY

  Now.

  GUY NOIR

  He just died now?

  DUSTY

  I don’t know when he died. How would I

  know that? I wasn’t there.

  GUY NOIR

  What was the approximate time of death?

  DUSTY

  See for yourself. He’s in there.

  GUY NOIR

  In the green room? (HE GLANCES

  AROUND) Who else knows about this?

  DUSTY

  I have no idea.

  GUY NOIR

  Cause if other people know and they’re not

  saying anything, I’d like to know about that.

  Excuse me.

  GUY NOIR eases the door open and steps in, then steps out.

  GUY NOIR

  Jeez. He was walking around exchanging

  gases with the atmosphere half an hour ago.

  DUSTY

  Call the cops.

  GUY NOIR

  When it’s time, I will. Just . . . don’t mention

  this to anybody, okay? I’m gonna secure the

  area. You got another cigarette?

  DUSTY pulls out another cigarette.

  GUY NOIR

  Thanks. ’Preciate it.

  He looks left and right as he clicks his lighter. Holds up the flame. Notices cigarette in his mouth is filter end out. Switches it around. Lights. Smokes.

  CUT TO:

  44 INT. FITZGERALD THEATER—SAME TIME

  GK onstage, as musicians change behind him. ROBIN and LINDA WILLIAMS come into position, wearing cowboy outfits, with guitars.

  GK

  Let’s see who we have here in our audience

  today . . . the Barthelmes are here from

  Minneapolis, and the Wyle family, Sue and

  Bucky. And they’ve requested “Yonny

  Yonson’s Wedding” so let’s bring up Robin

  and Linda to help me out and we’ll send this

  out to all the Norwegian bachelor farmers

  out there.

  The BAND launches into the intro.

  GK (SINGS)

  Oh we had a lovely party at the Norway lodge last night

  Every last Norwegian was there with an appetite

  Their hair was brushed, their teeth was combed, they smelled of

  fungicide

  At Johnny and Christina Johnson’s wedding.

  We had a quart of whiskey and a couple kegs of beer.

  And everyone drank faster as we watched it disappear.

  Then Svendson got out the aquavit and everybody cheered

  At Johnny and Christina Johnson’s wedding.

  GK (SINGS WITH ROBIN & LINDA)

  There was Clarence Nilsson and Hjalmar Nilsson and Gladys Nilsson and Lois Nilsson

  And Ray Nilsson and Evelyn Nilsson and Nils Nilsson he was there too.

  CUT TO:

  45 INT. JOHNSON GIRLS’ DRESSING ROOM—SAME TIME

  LOLA and RHONDA stand in front of the mirror. YOLANDA sits at the makeup table, looking in the mirror.

  RHONDA

  Just do what I do, baby.

  She sings and swings into a simple Supremes step routine.

  RHONDA (SINGS)

  Oh baby . . . yes yes

  Baby baby . . . do it like this.

  LOLA

  What’s this?

  RHONDA

  Don’t talk. Dance.

  (SINGS)

  Baby baby please come in

  I’ve been waiting to begin

  Kiss me sweet and kiss me slow

  And don’t stop til I say so.

  Baby baby . . . yes yes

  Oh baby . . . just like this

  Baby baby . . . you know how

  Oh baby . . . don’t stop now.

  They turn slowly, keeping time, snapping their fingers, singing oooos in R&B backbeat.

  RHONDA

  Your mama wrote this song.

  LOLA (TO YOLANDA)

  You didn’t.

  YOLANDA smiles.

  LOLA

  Wow.

  RHONDA

  We recorded this and it was just about to

  come out and the Doo-Dads stole it from us.

  Put it out and it went to number one and we

  got a lawyer and he took us for everything

  we had.

  LOLA

  Oh my God.

  RHONDA (SINGS)

  Oooo baby . . . you’re my man

  You do what no other can

  I’m a girl who’s hard to please

  You bring me to my knees

  (Oooooo)

  They strike a pose and then fall apart, laughing.

  LOLA

  Hey, we’ve got an act.


  RHONDA

  For nightclubs. Vegas. No sense wasting it on

  radio.

  YOLANDA is smiling.

  LOLA

  Let’s sing it on the show, Mama. The

  Johnsons!

  YOLANDA

  I just love looking at you, you know that?

  Such a miracle.

 

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