It's Wrong for Me to Love You, Part 3

by Krystal Armstead

I watched Aaron board his plane on Wednesday. I didn’t want to see my baby leave me. You know he didn’t want to leave me, let alone leave me with Jamie’s ass, but he did. It hurt Aaron to see me with Jamie, and it hurt me to see Aaron hurting because of him. Aaron was signing on to a business that could have our family set for all the generations that followed us. Aaron wanted to take care of me in every way possible. My heart had a hard time convincing my mind that what was going on in my life was real. That Aaron was real. That the life he wanted for us was real. I guess that’s why I had a hard time walking away from Passion Productions. I’d been taking care of myself for so long that I’d gotten used to the fact that all I had was me.

  I decided to drown myself in my music while he was away. I sat alone, in my tank top and sweats, in Passion Productions lavish studio. It was around 11:30 that night, and I hadn’t heard a word from Aaron. I had been inspired to write a song about Aaron for so long, and Anastasia was giving me the chance to do that. I had enough material in me to write an entire album about that boy if she let me.

  I sat at the expensive equipment, just playing around with a few beats. All I could think of was the sound of Aaron’s heart when I laid my head against his chest, hugging him good-bye that morning. The sound of him panting in my ear when he was on top of me, giving me the best that he had. The sound of pots clanging in the kitchen when he cooked for me almost every night. Aaron was the sweetest man I’d ever met, and I felt like I was losing him.

  “Aye,” Anastasia poked her head in the studio. Her hair was so pretty, long, wavy, and thick. She was dressed to kill in a sexy, black lace mini-dress and heels. “You’re not headed out with us, Twinkie?”

  I looked at her, shaking my head.

  “Oh, I love that combination of beats.” Anastasia grinned, walking into the studio. “What’cha doin’?”

  “Working on that album I was talkin’ to you about earlier,” I responded as she sat down in a chair next to me. “I even have a title for the first single and the title of the album—‘White Gold’.”

  Anastasia shook her head at me, grinning from ear to ear. “That bright-ass boy is everything to you, huh?”

  I nodded, “Yes, he is. You already know what it is, Anna.”

  Anastasia laughed to herself. “I’m proud of your nigga, to tell you the truth. I know he wants to knock Jamie’s head off every time he sees him singing to you during rehearsal. That has to be hard on any man, watching some other nigga—a sexy, singin’-ass nigga—sing to his wife. And Jamie is doing so great with his lines, not missing a fuckin’ word. His memory is amazing. He doesn’t let dyslexia hold him back. I love his drive, his ambition, his ability to never give up, no matter how hard shit gets. He’s amazing.”

  I looked at her. I really wasn’t in the mood for her rubbing-salt-in-your-wounds ass that night. “I’m really busy here, Anna. I can’t go back and forth with you tonight about pointless shit. You want me to put in work, and I’m doin’ it, so if you don’t mind, sweetie, I got shit to do.”

  Anastasia laughed a little. “Okay, boo, my bad.”

  “Thank you.” I turned back to the equipment. “I’ll probably be recording all night. I have too much on my mind, and not enough hands to write. I’m just gonna freestyle, and see how it works.”

  “Well, call me if you need anything. I have plenty of producers waiting by the phone if you need ’em.” Anastasia watched me turn a few knobs, and flip a few switches. “You’re right about me, just a little.”

  “Right about what?” I asked.

  “I am jealous of you,” she whispered. “Just a little.”

  I looked up at her.

  Anastasia shrugged, her big round brown eyes sparkling. “Darryl used to love me like that boy loves you. I’m not saying that Darryl doesn’t love me anymore, but he doesn’t have the time to love me like he used to. I put my mind into my music, into my dancers, into this play, this world wide tour, into you, so that I don’t kill myself thinking about him and why he’s not here with me. I miss him like crazy. I lose so much sleep because he’s not here with me. Don’t lose yourself in anybody, Ne’Vaeh. You’re Aaron’s little piece of Heaven now, but once he drowns himself into this diamond business, into basketball, into his fame, let’s see if his love for you still remains the same.” Anastasia got up from the chair.

  I watched her as she left the room. And I sighed. I had to rethink everything in my life. When Aaron asked me to marry him, I jumped at the chance. He was wonderful. I had no business getting back involved with Jamie once I saw the type of lifestyle that he was living. My heart was so confused at the time. I wanted someone to love me, and I thought that he did. Being with him again helped flush out the fact that I could never be with Jamie. Everyone was right about Aaron—yes, he should have stepped to me in high school, but the fact that he came for me when Jamie didn’t was the reason why I couldn’t turn him down when he asked me to marry him. He nursed me back to life. When he walked in my bedroom at Anastasia’s house that day, he made my heart beat again. The same way he did the first day that I saw him, walking into Mr. Porter’s African American history class.

  I stayed in that studio working until damn near four in the morning. I recorded five songs that night about Aaron. And just when I hit the last note to the last song that morning, Jamie walked into the studio. My heart raced in my chest as I removed the head phones from my ears. I slowly walked out of the sound-proof room.

  Jamie smiled up at me, sitting down in the leather chair as I came into the room, stopping in the doorway. He was dressed in all black (including the black diamond and gold chain around his neck), looking like he just came from the club. “What’s up, shawty?”

  I folded my arms, trying to keep my cool. I leaned against the doorway. “What are you doing here?”

  “I just left the club with your people. They’re still out partying hard. I just wanna show you what I wrote to go with that song, ‘Love Spell,’ that P. Jones wrote for us. You know reading isn’t one of my strong points, but I got this shit memorized. One of Anastasia’s assistants helped a nigga out.” Jamie reached into his pocket, pulling out a folded up piece of paper.

  I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, I bet she did.”

  He looked up at me, grinning a little. “I can’t believe Snow White actually left you here with me.”

  I looked at him. I didn’t appreciate him calling my man a fucking female. I didn’t have time for his shit. “Look, Jamie, I don’t have time for your shit, I’m workin’. If it ain’t about work, I ain’t interested in shit you got to say.”

  Jamie leaned back in his chair, clearing his throat. He looked up at me, and then he sang, “You got me under your spell. Girl, you do it so well. I still remember your smell. Damn, you gotta nigga fiendin’ like hell. Trying to drown my face in that cat. Girl, take the D, you know you like that. Girl, put that arch in that back. Take it all, girl, don’t cha fight back. Blame my high on that skirt. Trying leave with you, put in work. Baby, you got me cravin’ that body. Tryin’ to make pleasin’ you my hobby.”

  My heart pounded in my chest as Jamie rose from his chair and approached me.

  I looked over my shoulder for Aaron, but he wasn’t there.

  Jamie grabbed my hand, pulling me to him. “I could care less about the man you left at home. He should’ve known better than to let you come alone. Just let me know when you’re ready to leave. You don’t need him, I’m the man that you need.” He sang, his gaze glued to my lips.

  I gasped, slipping my hands from his. “Umm, sounds good, but we’re gonna have to lose that last part, Jamie.” I walked past him, over to the chair behind him, to grab my jacket and purse. I really couldn’t go there with him. He knew his presence made me uncomfortable, and he waited until Aaron left to try and flirt with me. I looked at him, “I know what we can replace it with.” I cleared my throat, singing, “Nigga, you ain’t shit. If I had one, you could suck my dick!”

  Jamie nearly fell out laughing, sitting back down in the
chair. “Oh, shit!” He laughed. “That nigga got you goin’ hard, don’t he? I gotta sit down for this one!”

  I wasn’t done. “You fucked up and let a real man get her. Now fall back, he’ll show you how to treat her.” I sang, neck roll, arms folded and all.

  Jamie just leaned back in his chair, eyes low, hat covering his eyes a little, but I could still see the hurt.

  “Why are you here, Jamie?” I shook my head at him, putting on my jacket.

  “Why are you with him when you know you need to be with me?” Jamie looked up at me from his seat.

  “I need to be with you? Okay, so tell me where the fuck you were when I was laying in the hospital last year? I haven’t seen you in a year and a half, and you just pop up here out of the blue? What makes you think that I wanted to see you, be around you, know you, Jamie? Don’t you have a son you’re supposed to be raising?” I threw the straps to my purse over my shoulder. “Dude, why are you even talking to me? You waited until my husband left because you know Aaron wouldn’t let you talk to me like this!”

  Jamie laughed a little. “‘Husband’? Man, that shit doesn’t even sound right in the same sentence as his name. And he wouldn’t let me talk to you? Shawty, ain’t nobody worried about Snow White’s ass.”

  I picked my water bottle up and slung it at him, but his athletic ass caught it without any problem. “Ughhhh, you make me fuckin’ sick! Why do you have to be here? You know it hurts to see your face! You know I can’t stand your black ass right now!”

  Jamie laughed a little. I always hated the way that he was so fucking nonchalant about everything. “Shawty, how the fuck are you gonna be mad at me when you’re the one that left?”

  “You didn’t deserve me, and you know it!” I exclaimed.

  “I didn’t deserve you, but he does?” Jamie was finally offended. “A nigga who doesn’t know shit about you? A nigga who was too weak to approach you when he had the chance in high school? A nigga who was fuckin’ you when he had a girl, your own best friend at that? At least when I was fuckin’ around with shawty, it was before me and you got back together. You were fuckin’ him when he was still with her, yet you wanna throw the blame on everyone else. You were just as wrong as we were. You gotta share some blame in this, shawty, for real.”

  Jamie was bringing the angry side out of me, and I hated him for that. I really didn’t want to tell him about the baby, but he gave me no choice. “Okay, I was wrong, Fine. Are you happy? But there was no way that I was gonna stay in Maryland and watch Charlie chase after you! I had to leave! You think leaving you was easy? Well, muthafucka, it wasn’t!”

  Jamie just looked at me, brown eyes searching mine.

  “I cried about you for months, Jamie! I was laying in that hospital, wanting to die! Wanting to end my life! Having no reason to live anymore! When they sent me home, I laid in the bed for three fuckin’ months! You never showed up! You weren’t there for me, but Aaron was! I pushed your dead baby out alone! I held your dead baby in my arms! Do you have any idea what I had to go through? Do you, Jamie?” I shouted.

  From the word baby, Jamie rose to his feet. His eyes searched my face for answers, asking the questions that his brain couldn’t get his mouth to say for a few seconds. He grabbed my arm, pulling me to him, but I pushed him away. “Ne’Vaeh, wh–what baby?” He was finally able to speak.

  I didn’t say anything.

  “What baby, Ne’Vaeh?” Jamie exclaimed. “Ne’Vaeh, we had a baby?”

  I looked up at him. “When I left Maryland, I was pregnant. I found out the day that Juanita went to the hospital. That’s why I couldn’t give her any blood.”

  Jamie’s eyes searched my face. “What did we have?”

  “A girl. I named her Sara. She—” I choked, “She was so beautiful, Jamie!”

  Jamie’s eyes glistened, but he didn’t cry. “Why didn’t you tell me? I deserved to know, Ne’Vaeh! How the fuck could you bury our baby, my baby, and not tell me?”

  “Why didn’t you come and see me? You never fought for me, Jamie! You just let me go and didn’t come after me! You always abandon me! You always find an excuse not to come after me! I kept our baby a secret from you because she was the only part of you that I had left! The only part of you that no one, not even you, could take away from me!” I pushed him. “I dissed Aaron as soon as you came back into my life, Jamie! I told him he wasn’t shit! I told him I wasn’t anything without you! I told him that you were everything to me! He knew how much I loved you, but he still found it in his heart to be there for me when he knew I needed someone! You promised me that you’d never leave me! That I was everything to you! That only God could keep you away from me!” I pushed him again. “And as soon as I hurt your pride when you tried to give me a ring that you had no business giving to me in the first got-damn place, I wasn’t shit to you!”

  Jamie grabbed my hand, pulling me to him. “Baby, I’m sorry. What can I do to fix this? I’m here now, so just tell me what I gotta do, and I’ll do it.”

  My lips trembled. “Go to Hell, Jamie! That’s what you can do!” I slipped my hands from his and darted out the door.

  * * *

  You should have seen the look on Anastasia’s face when she saw me standing beside her car, outside of Club Fire, at 5:00 in the morning. She looked at her Marc Jacobs watch before looking back at me. “Twinkie, it’s five in the morning! You been in the studio all night, seriously?”

  I looked at her, then at the rest of her drunk entourage. “Anastasia, you’re gonna have to find someone else to play the lead, ’cause I can’t do this shit!”

  “Can’t do what, Ne’Vaeh?” Anastasia sighed, really not in the mood for my whining at that time of the morning. “It’s really too early in the morning to be dealing with your whining ass. Go home. Get some sleep. Let’s talk at eleven o’clock at rehearsal.”

  “Anna, I’m not going to rehearsal, do not you hear me? I can’t work with Jamie! I can’t be around Jamie! He’s too much! You’re too much! Where’s my understudy? Call her!” I exclaimed.

  24-K folded her arms. “I’m your understudy.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Well, there you have it, Anastasia. You got your Katrina.”

  Anastasia shoved 24-K. “Ne’Vaeh, she’s just joking. She’s too sexy to play your part!”

  I scoffed. “Okay, so now I’m not sexy enough for this shit?”

  Anastasia sighed, trying to take me by the hand, but I pulled it away. “Cuz, you know I didn’t mean it like that. 24-K looks like a got-damn stripper because she is a got-damn stripper! She doesn’t look the part of a record executive, but you do!”

  24-K shoved her friend back, offended. “Bitch, you don’t look like a record executive, but you are one! And you’re a stripper, too, ho. Don’t try to play me!”

  Anastasia rolled her eyes at her friend, then looked at me. “Cuz, what happened?”

  I exhaled deeply. “Jamie showed up to the studio at four o’clock this morning, talkin’ all this shit about Aaron, calling him Snow White and shit!”

  The girls giggled. Anastasia tried not to smile.

  I looked at her, offended.

  She smirked, unable to hold it back. “I’m sorry, boo, but that shit is so Jamie! He would say some stupid shit like that!”

  “Well, I can’t work with him, so you have to find somebody else!” I replied.

  Anastasia shook her head at me, laughter subsiding. “You gotta let your feelings for this dude go and move the fuck on. It’s over between you two. You have Aaron, and I know that after what Jamie did to you, your husband doesn’t have to worry about him stepping back into your life. Aaron knows that you love him, doesn’t he?”

  I sighed. “Yeah, but—”

  “Then tell the nigga that shit, and stop stressin’.” Anastasia walked past me and got into her new, royal blue Mercedes Benz. Her entourage hopped in, too. Anastasia rolled down her window, looking at me standing there, pissed, arms folded, emotions going every which way. “Go home, get s
ome rest. I’ll see you at rehearsal in a few hours.”

  Chapter 9: Emotions on Display

  Ne’Vaeh

  It was so hard being around Jamie from that day on out. I wasn’t on my A-game at all, and everyone around us felt it. I’d show up late to play rehearsals and almost never showed up to rehearse for my concert tour. I was stressed, sick, depressed, and didn’t feel like being around anyone but Aaron, and he wasn’t there. I think he only called me once the entire two weeks that he was gone. And on the day he was due to come back home, the day right before the first showing of Thug in Love, I collapsed on stage. And who rushed to my side to pick me up off of the floor? Jamie scooped me up in his arms, and I was too weak to fight him back.

  Anastasia and her damn entourage had to follow us to the ER. Dr. Leyland shook her head at me, looking at me lying on the hospital bed of the triage. “I told you a few weeks ago that you needed to take it easy because you’re—”

  “Because of my heart condition, right?” I interrupted her, giving her the I-didn’t-tell-Anastasia-or-anyone-that-I’m-pregnant-so-let’s-keep-it-that-way look.

  Dr. Leyland nodded, looking around the room at all of the ladies standing around me. And then she saw Jamie, leaning back, sitting in a chair in the corner of the room. She gasped a little, “Oh, my!” She fanned herself a little. “No wonder you have a heart condition! Is this—”

  “Jamie Green!” Anastasia’s dancers swooned in unison.

  I rolled my eyes, as the doctor made her way over to shake his hand. “Lawd, help these fools.”

  Jamie stood from the chair, shaking her hand. “What’s up, shawty?”

  Dr. Leyland looked him over. “I have been dying to meet the man who didn’t bother to come see my patient in the hospital when she had his baby last year.”

  I looked at her. By the way she was gawking at him, you would have thought she was going to eat him, not throw judgment.

  Jamie cleared his throat, sitting back down in the chair.

  Dr. Leyland looked around at everyone. “Though Mrs. Whitehaven doesn’t want to speak on her condition, she is very fragile. My sister used to dance for you, Anastasia, so I know how hard you push them.”