Then Comes Baby (Hanna’s Happily Ever After Book 2)

by Lillianna Blake

  She waved her hand. “Mine was an emergency c-section and I had a hard time adjusting to everything that was happening. I think after the fact I was still processing what happened and it took me some time to come to terms with everything.”

  “Exactly.” I sat down on the chair across from her. “Yes, that’s how I felt. And I was so scared because she was early and I was so worried that I’d done something wrong. It wasn’t until I heard her cry that I started to feel a little better.”

  “All of that fear, all that tension—it gets stored inside of you until you’re ready to release it. Massage can help with that. It relaxes the body and gives the mind an opportunity to slip into a calm space. I’m not trying to pressure you, I’m just sharing what I experienced. You have to do things at your pace, Hanna.”

  I mulled over her words as she chatted with Callie and Zoe a bit.

  She was right. I was terrified during my labor, even after Noella had arrived to hold my hand. I wanted to make it all stop, to give my daughter a few more weeks to grow and to be able to follow the birth plan we’d set up. But I’d had no control and that had been very upsetting to me. The doctors and nurses had moved so fast, and I was grateful for them, but I couldn’t understand everything that was happening or what would come next.

  Just thinking about it made all my muscles tense and I began to feel dizzy.

  Was that fear? I swallowed hard. Could Jamie be right? Was I harboring all kinds of emotions that I wasn’t even aware of? If so, was Zara feeling all of that every time I held her, fed her, or rocked her?

  I hoped not. But it would explain why I’d spiraled so quickly into low self-esteem again. I knew that I had two choices. I could shy away from what was parading around inside of me, tweaking every issue and vulnerability I had, or I could be open to the idea of releasing it, even if that meant being a little uncomfortable.

  “So, Callie, Zoe, which of you would like a massage?” She smiled as she glanced between them.

  My heart pounded. I could easily let Zoe or Callie take the massage. But that would only be me hiding again. I didn’t want to set that example for my daughter.

  “Actually, I think I’d like a massage, if that’s okay.”

  Chapter 11

  The moment I said it, I regretted it. But Jamie’s gentle touch on my shoulder and her encouraging smile made me believe that I might be able to handle it.

  She led me into another room where she already had her table set up.

  “I’ll just let you have a minute to get settled.” She walked toward the door.

  “Actually, that won’t be necessary. Maybe you should just see what you can do with my clothes on?” I stumbled over my words as I approached the table.

  “I’m not sure that I’ll be able to give you as good of a massage that way, but if that’s how you feel the most comfortable, then it’s fine with me. Just hop up and we’ll get going.” She smiled as she patted the table.

  “Thanks.” I began to feel even more comfortable as I climbed up on the table. I appreciated that Jamie was willing to work around my request.

  As I stretched out on the table, I thought about Zara in her crib. Was I too far away from her? Would Zoe and Callie hear her if she woke up?

  Just as Jamie began to rub my shoulders, I leaned up on my elbows. “Wait, I’m sorry. I have to get something.”

  “What do you need? I can grab it for you.” She started toward the door.

  “The baby monitor.” I slid off the edge of the table. “I know where it is, it’ll just take me two seconds.”

  As I hurried out into the living room, Zoe and Callie looked up with surprise.

  “Are you done already?” Zoe laughed.

  “No, I just need the baby monitor.” I headed toward the kitchen where I’d left it earlier in the day.

  “Hanna, you don’t need the monitor.” Zoe jumped up and followed me. “Callie and I are right here. If Zara wakes up, we’ll get her.”

  “I know, but I’d still like to have it.” I grabbed the monitor from the counter.

  “Hanna, this is your chance to relax.” Callie frowned. “Can’t you trust us?”

  “Ladies, it’s okay.” Jamie put her arm around my shoulder. “Being a new mom comes with many different feelings and one that is pretty common is the need to always be in touch with their babies. These are natural feelings, sweetie—nothing wrong with them.” She steered me back toward the room.

  “Thanks for that.” When we reached the room I set the monitor on a nearby table. “I love my friends, but they don’t know what it’s like.”

  “It’s not this way for every mom. Each feels things a little differently, but one thing I’ve learned is that all feelings matter. If you can’t relax without that monitor, then I want you to have it.”

  “Does it get easier?” I stretched out on the table. “I feel like every moment I don’t see her, I’m missing something.”

  “When you learn to relax, it will.” She smiled as she began to work my shoulders again. “But that can take some time.”

  I closed my eyes. I couldn’t imagine ever feeling differently than I did in that moment. I was deliriously happy to be Zara’s mother, but I never anticipated all of the fear and anxiety that would come with it.

  “Just take a few deep breaths. Let them out very slowly.”

  “Okay.” I followed her instructions and began to feel my muscles relax.

  When her hands moved down from my shoulders, I tensed up again.

  “Our bodies are so amazing, you know. They do things they shouldn’t be able to. They create life and they flood us with adrenaline when we need it. From the inside out they let us experience life—through our senses, through our mind, through our emotions. Sometimes it’s easy to forget what a miracle it is—when it doesn’t behave the way we want it to, when it doesn’t look the way we want it to.” She slid my shirt up in the back and I didn’t stop her.

  Her words seemed to be massaging my mind as her hands worked the tension free of my muscles. “Whenever I slip into that mindset, I think about how much my body has done for me. I remind myself that just like it takes care of me, I have to take care of it, and part of that is respecting and appreciating myself.”

  “That is so true.” I sighed as I thought of the way I looked at my body in the mirror just a short time before.

  “I’d like to work on your hips, since things are still getting back into place after labor. It would be much more effective if I could feel your skin. What do you think?”

  “Yes, I’m being silly. Give me a second and I’ll get undressed.” I pushed myself up off of the table.

  “Great, you’re sure you’re okay with it?” She looked into my eyes.

  “Yes, I’ll be fine.” I smiled in return.

  I wasn’t sure, but I knew I wanted to try. I’d been hiding my body for far too long.

  “Okay, I’ll just be outside.” She stepped out of the room and closed the door.

  As I stripped down, I tried not to think about what she might feel or see when she worked on my body. I was down to my underwear and bra when I heard a piercing cry through the baby monitor. The sound shocked me from my core to every nerve ending in my body.

  Without a second thought, I bolted out of the room and right through the living room.

  I heard a few gasps but I didn’t care. My mind was only on getting to Zara.

  Chapter 12

  The moment I scooped Zara up out of the crib, she shrieked again.

  I’d never heard her cry that way before. It made my heart race.

  I felt her forehead and any other exposed skin.

  “Hanna, are you okay?” Zoe poked her head into the room.

  “Do you think she has a fever?” I looked up at Zoe. “I can’t tell if she has one. Where’s the thermometer? Oh no, where did I put it?”

  “Hanna, she doesn’t feel warm to me at all.”

  “Too cold then? She feels too cold, doesn’t she? Oh no, what does that mean?�
� I fought back tears. “I should get her to the hospital. Wait, should I call an ambulance? Where is my phone?” I tried to think straight as Zara continued to cry.

  “Hanna.” Zoe put her hands on my shoulders and looked straight into my eyes. “She’s okay. Maybe she’s hungry?”

  “Hungry?” I looked down at my wailing baby. “But she never cries like this.”

  “She’s probably going to change the way she cries quite a bit, I imagine. Just see if she might want to eat. If she doesn’t, we’ll figure out what to do next. Okay?”

  “Okay.” I wiped at my eyes as I sat down on the edge of the bed. The moment I offered, Zara latched on and the crying stopped. I still felt her hands and feet, trying to decide if they were too hot or too cold. When I looked up at Zoe, she smiled.

  “All better.”

  “I’m sorry.” I sighed with relief and exhaustion. “I’m all over the place. I can’t seem to calm down.”

  “It’s okay, Hanna, you’ve been through a lot. This is all new to you and it’s new to Zara too. You two will figure it out. I’ll get you something to drink.”

  “Tell Jamie sorry for me, please.” I winced as I realized I’d run out on the session. Not only that, I’d run out without my clothes—which meant that I was sitting there practically naked.

  I closed my eyes and tried to steady my spinning mind. Everything Jamie had said to me made sense. Of course my nerves were on edge, of course my body was acting strangely. Not only was I exhausted, I was constantly anticipating the worst. None of that was a healthy way to live.

  I gazed down at my little girl and realized that as much as I loved her, I needed to be sure that I was loving me too. Otherwise, Zara wouldn’t have the mother I wanted her to have.

  When she finished eating, I changed her, dressed myself, and headed out into the living room.

  Zoe and Callie looked up with smiles as I joined them.

  “She’s better now.” I patted her back and laughed as a burp escaped her. “I think we’re going to get the hang of this eventually.”

  “I know you will.” Callie patted my knee. “Sorry your massage got interrupted.”

  “It’s okay. It was still amazing. Jamie helped me so much. And so have you both. Thank you for being here.”

  “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” Zoe reached for Zara. “Can I hold her?”

  “Sure, but be careful, she just ate.”

  “Oh, I don’t care!” Zoe laughed, but grabbed a blanket to put over her shirt and shoulder.

  As I handed Zara over, I felt confidence for the first time that she would be safe in Zoe’s arms. It wasn’t Zoe that needed to prove it to me, it was me that needed to accept that Zara would be just fine.

  “So, Hanna.” Callie grinned as she looked at me. “I have something else planned for you.”

  “Something else?”

  “I know you only came here with enough clothes for the wedding and your short visit. So I’d like to treat you to a few new outfits, if that’s okay.”

  “Callie, that’s sweet, but I don’t want to take Zara out yet and I’m not ready to leave her at home either.”

  “Don’t worry about that. Zoe and I are going to do the shopping part, right, Zoe?”

  “Absolutely.” Zoe rubbed Zara’s back. “We’ll bring some things here for you to try. What you don’t like we’ll take back; what you do, you can keep. How does that sound?”

  “Amazing.” I smiled. “But shouldn’t I wait until I lose a little weight to get new clothes? I mean, I don’t want my body to stay this way.”

  “You can always get more later. But right now you need something other than maternity clothes, something that accentuates the beauty of your current frame, something that can boost your confidence.” Zoe raised a finger in the air. “No is not an option.”

  “Is it ever with you?” I laughed.

  “Hm, I’ll have to get back to you on that.” Zoe lifted Zara up above her head and looked into her eyes. “What do you think Zara? Should Mommy get some new clothes?”

  “Oh, Zoe, I wouldn’t do that.” I reached for Zara, but it was too late. Luckily Zoe managed to dodge most of the spit-up that came flying out, landing on the blanket instead of her face. But the horror in her eyes was enough to make me burst into laughter.

  “Oh no, oh no, here you go—go back to Mommy.” Zoe kept her voice light and cheerful as her eyes widened even more.

  I continued to laugh as I took Zara back. “I’m so sorry, Zoe.”

  “You sound real sorry.” Zoe laughed as she folded up the towel. “Callie, we’d better pick up some new blankets too.”

  “I’m putting it on the list right now!” Callie tried to suppress a giggle.

  “I love you, Zara!” Zoe pecked the top of her head. “No matter how much you spit up on me.”

  “She loves you too.” I smiled and once more felt the rush of warmth that came with having the best friends in the world.

  Chapter 13

  After Callie and Zoe left, I stretched out on the sofa with Zara in my arms. She gazed up at me as if she was just as fascinated by me as I was by her.

  “What are you thinking, sweetie?” I smiled as I ran my fingertips across her back. “Is this world everything you expected?”

  She blinked, closed her eyes, and then yawned.

  I laughed. “Yes, it can be a little boring at times. But not if you have great friends. If you have great friends, it makes everything better.”

  As I continued to chat with her, my cell phone rang. I knocked off a box of baby wipes as I snatched it off of the table.

  “Oops, ugh.” I reached for it as I juggled my phone with one hand.

  “Hanna?” I heard Jake’s voice through the phone as I dropped it.

  “Hang on a second, Jake, I dropped you.”

  Once I had the phone back in my hand, I sighed and settled back against the sofa.

  “Did you say you dropped Zara?”

  “No.” My eyes widened at the thought. “I dropped the phone, because I knocked the baby wipes off the table and—”

  “I thought Zoe and Callie were there to help you? Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine. They just stepped out for a little while. Are you all settled in at the hotel?”

  “Yes, and I was able to get the meeting moved up so I can get back faster. I miss you both so much.”

  “Do you want to see her?” I pushed the button on my phone to initiate a video call.

  “Yes, please, and you too.”

  I pointed the phone at Zara, who stared at it as if it were some kind of alien creature.

  “I don’t think she’s a fan of tech.” I laughed. “Trent will be so disappointed.”

  “Maybe it’s not the phone, maybe it’s my ugly mug.” He laughed. “Hi, baby, hi, Zara, it’s Daddy. Remember?”

  “Oh, Jake, she hasn’t forgotten you, sweetie. She couldn’t ever.”

  “I know, I just miss you both. It’s good I came, though, the deal is going very well.”

  “I’m so glad. I miss you too, Jake. But Zoe and Callie are amazing. They went out shopping to get me some new clothes.”

  “That’s fantastic. I can’t wait to see you in them.”

  I bit into my bottom lip as I held back the urge to criticize the way I was sure I would look. I didn’t want him to expect too much, but I also didn’t want to insult the body that had done so much for me. Instead I did my best to stay quiet.

  “Hanna? Can I see you?”

  I took a deep breath.

  “I haven’t showered and I can’t remember the last time I brushed my hair—”

  “Hanna, I love you. You could roll around in mud and I still wouldn’t turn down a hug or a kiss. You could not shower for weeks and I would still kiss every inch—”

  “Okay, okay, we don’t need to get that detailed.” I laughed and reluctantly turned the phone toward my face. I smiled the instant I saw him. There wasn’t a thing I didn’t love about the way my husband looked.
“You’re so handsome, Jake. I love that new tie on you. You look so distinguished.”

  “Aw, you know how to build me up.” He grinned, then grew silent as he stared at me.

  I couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking. Was he wondering what he’d got himself into? Just how pale was I? I noticed dark circles under my eyes that morning. Did he think I was getting old way too fast?

  “Jake?”

  “Oh, sorry.” He smiled. “I got lost.”

  “It’s okay, I know you have a lot on your mind.”

  “Oh no, I got lost thinking about how gorgeous you are. How do you give birth to another human being and still look that sexy?”

  “Stop!” I rolled my eyes, but I couldn’t fight a smile.

  “I’m serious, Hanna. It’s probably a good thing I had to go on a business trip because I’m not sure I would be able to keep my hands off of you.”

  “Jake, enough. It’s sweet, but you don’t have to lie.”

  “I’m not lying.” He stared hard into the camera. “Honestly, I never thought you could be more beautiful to me, but now that I witnessed everything you did, everything you went through and how much you love our daughter—it’s like a whole new level of attraction. I only wish I could show you how gorgeous you are in a way that you would believe.”

  “I love you, Jake.” My heart warmed as I saw the urgency in his eyes. He truly wanted me to believe his words, but whether I could or not was up to me, not to him. “I can’t wait to see you again.”

  “It won’t be long, my love. I promise. Try to get some rest, okay? Call me if you need anything or you just want to talk. I love you, Hanna. And I love you too, Zara.”

  “We love you.” I smiled as I hung up the phone.

  Jake’s words lingered in my mind. The entire time I’d been going through labor, a part of me wished I could kick him out of the room—not because he wasn’t amazing and supportive, but because I didn’t want him to see me like that.