The Rise of Emery James

by Scott, Shae

  She moves deeper into the water, deep enough that her feet don't touch and she's treading water. I follow her, still tall enough to reach the bottom. "I was thinking about it a lot last night. The way we were. It's so different than what I had with him." She doesn't say his name and I'm glad. She continues, "I mean, with you I always felt free. Like I could take on the world or something. You always gave me that strength."

  I don't know what to say to that, but it sends warmth through my entire body. "I know I shouldn't compare the two of you, but I can't help it. When I was with him it felt like I was always climbing a hill. There was a heaviness to it. I don't even think I realized it until I was back here with you. Isn't that crazy?"

  I still don't know what to say. Her confession is throwing me for a loop. "At first I thought it was because we were young and didn't really know much about the world. But now that I'm back, I feel it again. At least I'm starting to."

  It takes a bit, but I finally find my words again. "You'll get there. It takes time to heal. There is no timetable to how it's done."

  "I know. It's just hard. Some days I feel like I'm never going to crawl out of this valley and then other days, like today, when I'm here with you -- it feels possible. It feels like I'm finding me again."

  I can't help but smile. "You've already come so far. I see it," I tell her.

  She smiles and then swims closer to me, leaving about a foot of space and water between us. I offer her my hands so she can steady herself and not tread water. She takes them but keeps her distance.

  "I think you are good for me, Cole. You make all of this easier. Thank you for that. I don't think I tell you enough how much it means to me."

  I swallow and nod. I want to pull her to me, but I don't.

  "Do you ever wonder what would have happened if I hadn't gone away to school. Or if we'd gone together?" she asks quietly.

  "Yes. I also wonder what it would have been like if you'd come back," I say.

  "What do you think would have happened?" she dares to ask.

  I could tell her that I think we'd have grown up together and that we'd probably have some perfect storybook life. But I don't actually know if I believe that. We were young. We could have easily fallen apart and still ended up as strangers. She’s watching me closely waiting for an answer.

  "I don't know, James. We could drive ourselves crazy playing that game. But you're here now and I'm glad you are back in my life."

  She smiles again and pulls herself closer to me. I take advantage and pull her to me. She wraps her legs around my waist and it feels so familiar that I have to remind myself to be careful. I know she can feel my reaction to having her so close, but it's hard to care. She's opening up to me, to herself, and being a part of it is everything I've been waiting for.

  "You're beautiful." I say the words before I can think to hold them in. She gives me a shy smile, dipping her chin to her chest as I push the wet strands of hair from the side of her face. "You deserve to believe that again."

  She looks back up to me resting her forehead against mine and I feel her breath quicken. It's as if being this close, wrapped around one another, is too much for us. The vulnerability of our conversation and the closeness of our bodies is asking for something in return.

  I dig my toes into the sandy bottom of the lake as my hands slide up her back, beneath her tank top. The feel of her skin makes me pull her closer. Dangerously close. When she's pressed against me like this it makes it hard to think clearly. It only makes me feel. Makes me want. Makes me need her in ways I've tried to ignore. She fits against me like she was made to be there. Cut perfectly to be my missing piece.

  Lust grips at my chest and begs me to make some sort of move. But I can't. I can't rush her. I can't ask her to take a step she's not ready for. I've been patient for too long to take her somewhere she isn't ready to go. I exhale a slow breath and try to steady the race of my heart.

  But as I try to find my calm I feel her hand on my neck, her fingers digging in possessively and I open my eyes to see her. She's watching me, her mouth only inches from my own. She's so close that I can feel her breath brushing against my lips. I can't help but breathe her in and it's so sweet that my grip on her tightens.

  I hear her whisper my name just as her soft mouth covers mine. The kiss starts soft and delicate, like a whisper, like she's allowing herself a taste. It's all I can do to let her set the pace when I just want to devour her. I let her take her time, following her lead. But, if she wants me to stop her this time she's going to be disappointed. It's not going to happen. I have been craving her for too long, imagining this kiss, needing this connection. My hand cradles her chin, brushing my fingers across the delicate skin of her cheek.

  When her hands move to my hair, twisting the strands around her fingers, I don't hold back anymore. I part her lips with my tongue and take the opportunity to really taste her. To remember what it is like to have her like this. In my arms, on my tongue. It's better than any memory.

  Her soft sigh and the way she pushes against me has me aching, but I'm careful. I don't want to scare her. I know she's still vulnerable and I don't want to do anything to send her running. But shit, this feels so right that it's hard to pull away. I don't want to. I want to kiss her until both of our lips are numb, until neither of us can breathe. I'm so wrapped up in her that when she finally breaks the connection I feel dizzy. We're both breathing heavy and as I find her eyes I can see the same disoriented look that I'm feeling.

  "Wow,” she breathes. Her hands are still in my hair, mine are still on her skin, spread across her back.

  "Yeah, wow," I agree. I shiver as she releases my hair from her grasp and runs her fingertips down the back of my neck and down to rest against my chest. They are so small and delicate, but I'd swear there is electricity in them, because everywhere she touches me I feel fire.

  "I can't kiss you again. Not yet. But I needed to do it once. To feel you against my lips. I'm not ready to do it again," she says softly.

  Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for, but one that I can understand.

  "I can wait. I'll wait as long as you ask me to," I say, my voice low and steady. And I mean it. I've waited six years for her to come back, I can wait as long as it takes for her to come back completely.

  "You’re good to me, Cole Bennett." Her lip is quivering and her body shivers against me.

  "You're cold."

  "A little," she admits.

  "Let's go back to the truck. I brought some blankets. We can warm up."

  I carry her back to shore, her head buried into my collarbone. Now that the heat of our kiss is fading she is really shivering. I hold her closer trying to warm her with my body heat. Of course we're both wet and the sun is starting to set, so I'm not doing much good.

  When we reach the truck, I set her down and grab a blanket from the cab and wrap it around her shoulders. "Here, warm up. I'll grab our clothes. I brought blankets if you want to star gaze like old times."

  That earns me a big smile and she nods. I walk down closer to the shore and grab our discarded clothing. When I get back to Emery she's already pulled out the pile of blankets and pillows from the back and loaded them into the bed of the truck. Her blanket slips from her shoulders and I get the chance to appreciate the fact that her tank top is now completely see through.

  "You should probably take that shirt off," I say. My voice sounds like it's laced with gravel and I can't help my smirk when her eyes go wide at my suggestion. "You won't get warm wearing that wet shirt. Take it off and put this one back on," I suggest handing her the shirt she'd been wearing earlier.

  "Oh. Right," she says, taking it from me. "Turn around," she says. I raise an eyebrow at her. We've seen each other naked a hundred times. I can see straight through her shirt right now and she wants me to turn around? "Turn around," she says again, but she's smiling.

  I do as she asks. Doesn't matter, I have a memory that is almost as good as the real thing. She doesn't realize that I lon
g ago memorized every curve of her body.

  "Okay, you can turn back around," she says. Her cheeks are still colored a deep pink and her lip is trembling from the cold.

  "You're shivering." I grab her blanket and wrap her up in it. I pull her against my chest and run my hands up and down her arms to generate some heat.

  "You're warm," she mumbles against me. This moment feels so much like the past that I have to swallow down the urge to kiss her. So many nights we'd be here, just like this. Under the stars, tangled together and completely connected. Having lost that only to have her here in my arms now fills me with heavy anticipation. With hope that we'll find it again. I'm getting ahead of myself again. I can't help it. It just happens when she is around.

  "Climb up in the truck. I'm gonna grab my clothes and I'll join you."

  I help her up and she immediately climbs under the covers and snuggles down. I slip on my jeans and my shirt and jump into the bed of the truck to join her. She lifts the big quilt so that I can climb under and immediately snuggles up against me like she used to. Her head on my chest as the darkness settles around us.

  It feels like home.

  Emery

  LAYING IN THIS TRUCK bed, staring up at the stars takes me back to all of the days and nights that Cole and I have spent out here. This has always been one of my favorite places. It's so quiet and so peaceful that it's the perfect place to hear everything or shut it all out. It adapts to what you need. It's always calmed me and tonight is no different.

  When the sun sets everything is completely black. There are only stars, the moon and headlights to guide you and the sound of the water lapping against the bank gets so loud that it can wash away everything.

  Back in high school Cole and I would come here and talk for hours and later we used it as a place to escape and make out. It was here he'd first made it to second base. And later, the first time we'd gone all the way.

  There is something about being out here in the stillness, with only the music from the water kissing the shore that seems to ground me. It makes me feel connected in a way that nowhere else does. To Cole, to life. . . to me.

  "Thank you for bringing me out here," I say as I stare up at the stars. It's a clear night and the light show is amazing. I've missed the open sky. It makes me feel so small, so insignificant. In turn it makes everything that weighs down on me feel a little lighter too.

  "You're welcome. I haven't been out here in ages," Cole admits. "It never felt the same without you."

  "When I was in Connecticut we lived on a golf course. Gabe didn't even like to play, but he liked saying he lived in that neighborhood and he got to bring clients over and he loved that," I say, the memory causing me to scowl. "I used to think about this place and this feeling and I'd go out to the golf course in the middle of the night and stretch out in the grass and stare up at the stars. There weren't that many, but it was something. Gabe hated it. He told me that I was going to make him the laughing stock of the club and they'd think I was crazy," I laugh. Cole grunts his disapproval. He tries hard not to talk bad about Gabe, letting me sort through it on my own, but I always see the way his eyes twitch and his fists clench when I tell him stories. I get it, being away from it now it all seems so much clearer than it did when I was there in the middle of it all.

  "I still went out there though when he was gone on business. There's just something about looking up like this that makes it all feel more manageable, ya know? It puts it all into perspective." I steal a glance at him and while the blackness doesn't allow for me to make out his features, my eyes have adjusted enough in the light of the full moon to see that he's watching me. "Still, it never felt as good as this," I say, agreeing with his earlier assessment.

  "Can I ask you something?" he asks, his voice low and hesitant. I feel the clench in my stomach and know that I've opened the door to questions about my past. Questions he's been dying to ask, but respectfully holding back until I was ready to answer them. I wonder if I'm ready to answer them now.

  "Sure," I manage.

  ""Why did you stay? Why did you marry him?" There they were, the big heavy questions.

  "You just went straight for the big ones didn't you?" I tease, trying to keep it light even though my pulse is suddenly racing.

  "The girl I knew never took shit from anyone. So it's hard for me to imagine how this guy convinced you to give up so much. If he weren't already gone I'd want to kick his ass. I just, I don't know, Em, I hate thinking of anyone treating you badly."

  My heart aches at his words. For the genuine kindness that just exudes from him, for the truth in his words and the shame that I carry for knowing that he's right. I did let Gabe change me. I gave up who I was and never even realized I was doing it.

  I consider changing the subject, telling him I don't want to talk about it. I know he'd let me off the hook, but there is a part of me that wants to explain. Part of me wonders if I talk about it if it will all finally make sense to me, if I'll finally work it all out and make peace with it. Because that's what I need to do. I need to find peace with it all so I can move on and start over.

  The darkness helps. "He wasn't always that way. When I met him he was actually pretty charming," I admit.

  "Charming, huh?" he asks and I hear the skepticism there. I don't blame him. All he knows is the pain that I've been in. Cole is a protector. He always has been.

  "Yes. He was different in college. I think it was easier for him to be himself there, before he had all of the pressure from his father and the family business. When I met him he didn't even think he was going to follow in his father's footsteps. He wanted to start his own company and start a nonprofit of some sort. I liked that about him. I had this image of us saving the world together." I laugh at how naive I had been.

  "So he swept you off your feet?" Cole asks.

  "Something like that. I was in a weird place when I met him. Nana had just died and I was alone at school. I just felt kind of lost," I admit quietly. I feel him shift against me.

  "You could have called me. You could have answered my calls. I would have been there for you," he says. I hear the hurt in his voice at the fact that I didn't turn to him after everything we’d had together.

  "I was running, Cole. At the time. I wanted to run from everything back here. I wanted to run from everything that I knew. I can't explain it."

  "I guess I can try and understand it," he offers.

  "I regret it though. Not coming back here for the funeral. For not being here for dad. I wish I could take that back," I admit quietly. I can't help but wonder now if I had, if things would be different. Maybe Cole would have been there for me and I never would have gone back to school and fallen for Gabe. I wouldn't have been looking for an escape and therefore he wouldn't have been such an appealing option. Who knew? I can't go back, so the questions are just a waste of energy.

  "Anyway, it all just kind of moved forward. After school he asked me to marry him and it seemed like the natural progression so I said yes."

  "Henry said you eloped."

  "Yeah. Honestly, we did it on a whim. His parents wanted this big showy affair and it just didn't feel like me. I never really fit into that world, so the idea of having some big fancy wedding was stressful. One morning I woke up and Gabe handed me two plane tickets to Mexico and suggested we do it all on our own. So we did. We didn't tell anyone until we got back. Patricia was pissed," I laugh.

  "Patricia?"

  "Gabe's mom. She never liked me. She didn't think I was good enough for him. She called me a hillbilly. It made her crazy that Gabe had married me and she couldn't do anything to stop it. She likes to be in control of everything."

  "She sounds lovely," Cole says with a laugh.

  "Honestly, I wonder if he hadn't ended up going into business with his dad or we'd just moved somewhere else, away from them, if things would have turned out differently. But maybe he never really meant anything he'd told me in the beginning. Maybe he'd known he'd end up with his dad someday.
I don't know. After everything that's happened, most days I wonder if I ever knew him at all."

  Cole pulls me in closer to him and I feel myself relax. I hadn't even realized the tension that had started to build within my body as I told my story. We lie in silence for a bit. I'm lost in my memories and Cole seems to be processing the things I've told him.

  "I'm sorry that you've had to go through all of this," he says finally. "I hate seeing you in pain. I hate the confusion that settles in your eyes and the doubt that the whole situation makes you feel. I know I push you to be the old Emery, but I do know that life has changed you. I do get that. But I can't help but want to be there to help bring you back out of all of it."

  I take in his words, and roll them over in my head, in my heart, where they choose to settle and take hold. "You've been a lifesaver to me, Cole. You have to know that," I admit. He hugs me closer in response and we slip back into our comfortable silence.

  This night has brought me a sense of comfort that I haven't felt in a long time. More than that, it has awakened something else that I never expected to get back. Hope. It still feels shaky. Distant. But it no longer feels impossible. That feels huge.

  "I could stay out here all night," Cole says finally breaking the silence, His lips move across the top of my head and it sends tingles down my back. This time my shivers aren't from the cold, he owns each one of them.

  "Me, too," I agree. What I don't say is that I could spend it anywhere as long as he was here with me.

  I am lost in my thoughts as he drives back to my house. Talking about Gabe has me feeling weak and raw. Even though I didn't get into it all, just inviting him into the moment makes me feel like I'm suffocating. He always did have a way of taking all of the air when he was around.

  "Are you okay over there?" Cole asks. I don't look at him, I can't. My emotions feel like they are starting to spiral away from me and I know if I look at him I'm going to lose the battle to control them.

  "Yeah," I say, still staring out the window.