The Rise of Emery James

by Scott, Shae

  "Em?" he asks. God, I have to be confusing him. Things felt so good when we were in that truck bed staring at the stars. It felt so good to be there in his arms. I felt safe. Now that we are headed back to the dark reality my wounds feel fresh again.

  "I'm okay," I assure him.

  He doesn't push and soon we're pulling up to the house. Finally, I look at him. "I really did have a great time today. More than you know," I say. I don't want my sudden shift in mood to make him doubt that.

  "Hey, talk to me. What's going on?" he asks.

  "Thinking too much," I say, hoping he'll let it go at that. I lean across the console and kiss his cheek before jumping down from the truck.

  He doesn't let it go though. He follows me out and up the steps of the porch.

  "Sit with me for a minute," he says, grabbing my hand and pulling me to a stop. I consider protesting, but I can't refuse him. Not after he made this day so special for me.

  We sit down on the steps, crickets chirping all around us. It's such a peaceful sound. I try and concentrate on the sound and let it calm the blood that seems to be rushing through my ears. The wave that seems to take me under whenever I let myself think too much. When I take on too many memories on at once.

  "Why don't you talk to me?" he suggests. I feel like I've done nothing but talk. I'm constantly spilling out my issues to Cole. He's bound to be sick of hearing them. Tired of trying to fix me.

  "I'm fine, really. It's just all that talk about Gabe and leaving everything behind left me feeling unsteady. It reminds me just how far I still have to go," I admit. I glance over at him and he's listening so intently that I continue. "Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to find my way back. Or if I even want to."

  "Why are you putting so much pressure on yourself? You have been through so much. You've lost in ways that are going to scar your heart. Do you not see how much fight you have? Because I do. I still see that scrappy girl who takes on the world even when it deals her a shitty hand," he says.

  "I'm not a fighter. Flight not fight," I point out.

  He shrugs, dismissing me. "Maybe you had to fly in order to survive. That doesn't make it any less brave," he says.

  "Brave? No. There is nothing brave about running from everything that matters. I'm not brave. I never have been." He can put pretty words around it to make me feel better, but I know the truth. I feel it down in my bones.

  "You're daring to start over. That's brave, Emery," Cole says.

  I stare at him, seeing the sincerity in his eyes and feeling like a fraud.

  "Is it? How is it brave? I didn't choose it. I didn't choose to start over. It was thrown at me. I didn't get a say at all. That's not brave. That’s just surviving. The choice was made for me." It feels good to say the words out loud. To be honest. I'm tired of the looks of pity. I'm tired of the way people admire how strong I am. They don't know me. They don't know me at all.

  But I want Cole to know. Something inside me wants to tell him all of my ugly truths.

  "You don't think surviving is brave?" he asks quietly. I think about his question before answering.

  "Sure, if you're fighting to do it. I stopped fighting a long time ago. I'm only here because I had nowhere else to go. I'm here because somebody crossed a center line and ran head on into my husband's car. I'm here because life changed in a heartbeat and I had to adapt. Brave would have been leaving an unhappy marriage and choosing to be happy all by myself. Brave would have been coming home to face my father after my grandmother died instead of leaving him to deal with everything on his own. I chose to stay. I chose to live in half a life because I didn't know how to choose.

  "If he were still here, if Gabe were still alive, I'd still be there. I wouldn't have come home. I'd still be living in the shadows of that house while he was off doing God knows what somewhere else. And I'd do it because I'm anything but brave."

  I stand and head towards the door, unable to face him, barely able to face myself. I've faced down so many demons and so much truth lately that it has left me feeling raw and exposed.

  I don't get far before I feel warm strong arms wrap me up from behind. I close my eyes at the embrace, my body instantly melting against the safety of his.

  "Emery, you listen to me. You may feel lost. You may not trust that you know who you are. I get that, I do. But know that I know. I know who you are. I feel it with everything I am and I'm not letting go until you find your way back." His voice is smooth and low against my ear.

  I feel the sting of tears as his words pierce my heart. His grip on me is so strong that I want to sink into him and let him hold me together. Because right now it feels like I'm about to break into a hundred pieces. All at once.

  My whole life I've just hid from everything that scared me. Anything that was too big or too hard to handle, I just closed my eyes and pretended it didn't exist. My mom being gone - I just pretended it wasn't happening. When my grandma died I just ran away and didn't come home. I just left my dad here to take care of everything. I don't deal with anything. I look to everyone else to fix it.

  I don't care what he says, that's the opposite of brave. That's why I'm the person I am now. I'm not proud of it. I'm not proud of who I've become or really, who I've always been. He says I used to be scrappy. Dynamic. But the secret is, I was faking it. I don't think I've ever really known who I truly am. Now, I'm just too tired to try and fake it any longer.

  Cole doesn't let go as the storm rages inside of me. His grip tightens and I swear it's only him that is holding me together in this moment. I struggle to take a deep breath, to let his support bind the pieces like glue. I work hard to let go and let him carry some of the weight that sits heavy on my heart.

  I sink to the wooden floor of the deck, my body weak with emotion and Cole sinks with me. His back rests against the door and he pulls me to him wrapping me up in his embrace.

  "You're going to make it through this, Em. Even the moments that seem so dark. Look at your track record. You've already survived every hard moment up until now. You have a strength you don't even know. I see it. Trust me."

  I breathe in his words, his scent, and finally my heartbeat settles. I start to feel the familiar sense of safety that comes with being this close to Cole. He doesn't make any attempt to move and so we sit there together under the glow of my porch light wrapped up in the kind of vulnerability that can form a bond so strong that it can move mountains.

  I hope that it can, because it still feels like I have many of them left to climb.

  Emery

  "SO I HAD AN IDEA," Cole starts as he drives down the road. I sink back into my seat, feeling relaxed. A few days of getting my head back on track has cleared away some of the darkness from that night on the porch.

  "What kind of idea?" I ask.

  "I'm not sure if you are going to like it," he admits. Now I'm nervous, my relaxed demeanor instantly turning to tense uncertainty.

  "That doesn't make me nervous at all," I say, trying to keep my voice light. My teasing falls flat.

  "I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said the other day about Nana. How much you miss her and how you hate how you left things after she passed. I don't know, it feels like you have a lot of wounds and unfinished business. Sometimes getting closure to something like that helps you move forward."

  "Where are you going with this, Cole?" I ask carefully.

  "Do you trust me?" he asks, throwing me a look meant to reassure me. It does nothing to calm my heart, which is currently slamming against my chest.

  "I thought I did."

  He smiles and reaches over to take my hand in his.

  "I know the family who bought Nana's house," he says. My breath catches and I move to pull my hand away, but he holds on tighter. "Stay with me. I know it sounds a little crazy, but I thought if you were able to go back there, maybe say your goodbyes, that you could feel some kind of closure. You were so connected to that place. I thought we could go there together."

  I sit in silence, hi
s proposal sending me back and forth. I don't know that I'm ready to go back to the house that holds so many memories. I'm not sure I can handle seeing someone else living there, surrounded by those memories. What if they've changed it all? It won't be Nana's stuff; it will belong to a stranger. It feels too hard.

  Yet at the same time it feels necessary. When Nana died I ran. I ran away from the pain and the memories and it has weighed on me ever since. Because I betrayed her and everything that she meant to me by doing it.

  "So, I'm just supposed to go up to some stranger and ask her if I can look around?" The idea sounds crazy.

  "I’ve already talked to her. She gave me a key and said we are welcome to go in and look around. She's out for the day," Cole explains.

  "She just gave you a key?" I ask surprised.

  Cole shrugs, "I know people." I can't help but laugh at him as he watches me. He's waiting on me to settle on a reaction so he can decide how to play it.

  "I don't know, Cole. I don't know if I'm ready to do this," I admit quietly.

  "I'll be right there with you, Em. I won't let you do it alone." His words settle me some and my heart slows to a manageable pace.

  "I'm scared."

  He squeezes the hand that he still has possession of. "I know. But sometimes the scariest things are the most worthwhile.”

  I take a deep breath and nod once. "Let's do it." I hope he's right. I hope this moves me forward and doesn't crush me the way it feels like it might. Cole sees strength in me. He always has. A strength I have never seen in myself. I'm starting to realize that having someone believe in you is half the battle. Because if he can believe in me, then maybe I can start to believe too.

  We pull down the familiar driveway, the gravel crunching under the tires. I take in the line of trees that Grandpa planted when my dad was still young. They've grown tall and shade the entire drive in a makeshift tunnel. It was always one of my favorite things. It made it feel like a storybook.

  The house comes into view and aside from some toys out on the front lawn, it looks exactly the way it did when I last saw it. The old farmhouse could still use a coat of paint, but the deck is still lined with colorful flowerpots and the swing is still hanging on the limb of the old oak tree. I can almost hear the echo of laughter on the wind, the memory hitting me so hard that I have to close my eyes to steady my breath.

  Cole shuts off the truck and I sit as he gets out and rounds the front to come to my door. He opens it and offers me his hand. I look from him, then back to the house before I move to get out. His hands find my waist and I jump to the ground. I take a moment and sink against him, pulling a bit of strength from him.

  He slides his arms around me in a tight hug, "You've got this."

  After another deep breath Cole takes my hand and we walk towards the house. My heart is pounding like a drum against my chest. My stomach flips and churns as my nerves take over.

  From the outside it all looks the same. Like every other time I came here. I half expect Nana to open the front door to meet us like she always did. The memory and the realization that she is gone causes a sharp pain in my chest. One that I'm determined to breathe through.

  Cole pulls a set of keys from his pocket as we approach the front door and I wait quietly until he opens it up. My eyes close, the nerves getting the best of me. I pause in the doorway until I hear Cole's quiet voice in my ear, "I'm right beside you."

  My eyes open and I step inside the familiar house. The first thing that strikes me is that I don't recognize any of the furniture. Obviously, Nana's stuff is gone and replaced with this new family’s belongings. I expected that of course, but it still feels strange. It's enough to make me consider walking back out. But now that I'm here, there is a part of me that wants to keep going.

  Cole lets me walk ahead and I move slowly though the house. If I look hard enough I can see through the new furnishings and see the curtains that Nana had sewn or the old coffee table that my grandpa had made out in the garage. I can still feel her here, like she’s wrapping herself around me. The sensation is so vivid and I can't help but close my eyes and breathe her in.

  Cole follows me through the house. He doesn't say much and he doesn't rush me through. It's like he's here for support should I need it, but he's letting me control this moment.

  I never would have come here on my own. I never would have even considered it, especially with some new family living here. Honestly, the thought of it would have terrified me. But now that I'm here I can feel all of the memories from my childhood and instead of the painful wave I had expected it's almost like they have all come to life around me and it gives me the opportunity to really preserve them. It's like they've been living here among these walls waiting for me to come back and reclaim them.

  So many of the things that I didn't think I would ever remember in detail have now been painted with vivid color and I know that I'll be able to hold on to them a little closer now.

  I feel the tears prick my eyes as I move through the old house, visions of watching cartoons on the living room floor or sitting on the barstool helping Nana cook or dancing out back in the sprinklers while trying to fight off the summer heat. It's all here, playing like a movie of my life. I can hear the laughter. I can feel the love all around me and as I turn to face Cole, the tears streaming down my face, I can't find the words to thank him for this moment.

  His eyes flash with worry when he sees my tears, but I shake my head, trying to let him know that I'm okay. That I'm more than okay. I move to him and press myself against his chest. His strong arms encircle me as he holds me tight against him.

  "Thank you," I finally choke out. His hands slide into my hair and his fingers rub my neck in an act of comfort.

  "You're welcome." We stand in silence holding on to each other and I am overwhelmed by my emotions. Not just for the gift of being here and taking back what I'd so carelessly pushed aside, but for this man who has been here beside me every step of the way as I try to find myself. He believes in me in ways I didn't even believe myself. He gives me courage and my heart feels so full that I wouldn't be surprised if it just burst wide open.

  I don't say much on the ride back to the house. I'm too busy sorting through everything. The shock of emotion and memory has left me feeling exposed and I work to balance it all out. Cole leaves me alone with my thoughts, he doesn't push me to talk about it or ask me how I’m feeling about it. But then again, Cole doesn't have to ask me how I feel. He just knows. He's always just known. Sometimes it feels like he knows better than me.

  We pull up to my place and he follows me inside and to the kitchen where I grab some water and hand him a bottle without asking if he wants it. He watches me as I take a long sip, letting it calm me.

  Facing down demons is exhausting. I haven't felt this raw or exposed in a very long time. I've always avoided this feeling. But I can feel the change that it's making in me. I'm realizing that maybe I have to break down completely in order to build something stronger. So, for once it feels worth it. The pain leads to healing and I'm starting to understand that.

  It doesn't make it easy. Being in that house today stirred up so much that trying to settle it all into its proper places is daunting. But I don't want to bury it like I used to. I want to feel it. I need to feel it. It's all part of the process.

  "I'm proud of you," Cole says quietly. My eyes snap to his, surprised. "That wasn't an easy thing to do. I was nervous taking you there. Afraid it wouldn't help you the way that I wanted it to," he admits.

  He's right. It was a risky move. But I'm so glad he pushed me to go. He always seems to know what I need.

  "It was good for me. Thank you. I never would have gone there on my own."

  "Em, you’re not alone. Not anymore. I want to be there for you through all of it." I look up into his dark eyes and the emotion there is fierce. I can't deny it. The pull I feel to him, I'm pretty sure that he feels it too. I just haven't figured out what to do with it.

  There is a part of
me that wants to give in. That kiss at the lake woke up feelings in me that I haven't felt in so long. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. It was like waking up from a deep sleep, disorienting and leaving me feeling a little unsteady.

  Those feelings scare me. Not because I don't trust him with them, but because feeling them still makes me feel so guilty. Gabe may have been cheating on me for a good part of our marriage, but he was still my husband. I didn't take those vows lightly. Maybe if I'd confronted him more about his infidelity and we'd just divorced this would be easier. I'd be allowed to hate him then. But no, he took that away from me too. His death painted the whole thing with different colors. You can't hate a dead man, no matter his sins. At least that's how it feels. And giving into Cole feels a lot like being unfaithful.

  But he's here, looking at me like I'm the most important thing in his world. He touches me with such genuine emotion that my heart wants to jump in, bruises and scars be damned. It’s clear that my heart already trusts him.

  It's my brain that gives me the hang-up.

  "I'm not sure I'll ever be the girl you remember," I say softly. He needs to know that. He could wait forever and not get back the Emery he knew back then. And as close and attached as I'm getting now, having him realize that later and then leave would gut me.

  He reaches out and softly brushes his hand across my cheek, his eyes steady on my own. "No. But I'm really looking forward to the new girl that takes her place," he says.

  I feel the tug of my heart. The pull. The want. Hell, the all-out need.

  "Cole," I start. I don't know what to say. I want to believe in the girl he sees. The future he's so sure of. But I just don't know how.

  He takes a step closer and the heat from his body causes my heart to beat faster against my chest. "I need you to be honest with me, Em." His voice is rough gravel.

  I don't answer him, afraid of what he's about to ask of me.

  "Do you feel this? Do you feel what I'm feeling? Tell me I'm not alone here." His voice is low, raspy and it slides over my skin like a caress. My eyes lock on his handsome face and I want to tell him that he's wrong. I want to shut him down and deny everything he's asking me. It would save us both. But I know that he would see right through my lies.