I shook my head. "No, there isn't a question here of whether you and I stay friends. I just hope Steven accepts it."
"And if he doesn't?"
"Then I guess there won't be any Steven for me to worry about, will there?"
I waited for Craig to try to make a joke out of the situation but for once he just kept his humour away and went with my silence.
"Come on, let's get you home so you can change," he instructed, standing up and holding out his hand, and I followed.
In the car neither of us said anything and when Craig stopped the car outside the flat he asked, "Do you want me to come in for a while?"
I shook my head. "I'll see you at practice tomorrow, Craig," I said and ran inside. What a crazy mixed up situation I had got myself into, I thought as I walked in the front door ... straight into Sally.
Now I was stuck for words for the second time that evening. "Hi Debbie, are you okay? You look like you just saw a ghost," she said and I held back a sigh of relief. If Steven had talked to her she was obviously choosing to stay clear of any opinion. "I'm fine, Sally. I just didn't expect anyone to be home, that's all," I said and made a quick getaway to my room.
After sitting in there for a while I heard the front door shut and wondered if it was Tina coming in or Sally going out. Either way I decided that for the rest of the evening I was going to relax in front of the television. After a nice long hot shower that was. When I retired to bed that night a number kept entering my thoughts - five. It had been five nights since I had last seen and spoken to Steven. And now I was starting to miss knowing that he was there ... more than just a little.
Chapter 7
Saturday morning I awoke to the sound of rain and hail on my window. "Oh, great," I muttered to myself as I thought of how nice a day it would be to just stay in bed. Then the phone rang and I knew my dream was about to be shattered.
"Hello?" I said, wearily.
Craig's voice replied, "Good morning. How are you feeling this morning?" I groaned out an answer before he explained to me that our three band members wouldn't be going to practice. Suddenly I felt a whole lot happier.
"So, would you like some company today? We could go out somewhere if you like," Craig suggested and I screwed up my nose, forgetting that he couldn't see me face over the telephone.
"Actually, today I'd like to just spend the day at home by myself," I said quietly back to him.
"Okay. Ring me if you want. I'll be here all day," he said before hanging up and I couldn't help but notice the sadness in his voice.
Just then the front door opened and two drenched bodies appeared. "Great, you're up," Sally said, smiling.
"We have got three great videos - one horror, one comedy and yes, you guessed it, Pretty Woman. We've also got popcorn, chips, dip and heaps of other goodies," Tina added as they both removed their wet gears. "So you go have a shower and get dressed while we get changed and put all this in the lounge, and we'll be set in 20 minutes." I giggled as I headed for the shower. A day with the girls - now that was something I hadn't done for a very long while.
We had a great afternoon and evening together and the advantages of being single started creeping into my head again. I hadn't heard from Steven, so was I wrong to consider myself single again? How long was I expected to wait for his phone call to come?
Well, it didn't come that night, that weekend or the next. I had unconsciously put him completely out of my mind while Total Freedom practised and played our first gig at one of the local pubs. Our trial was on the Friday to see if the patrons liked us - on the Saturday we were hired for regular. Nothing can explain the feeling of elation we all felt when we left the pub Saturday night after playing.
"Hey, let's all go out and celebrate together," Greg had suggested and soon we were at a nightclub dancing the night away to another band - one that we were just as good as, if not better. Early Sunday morning we all went our separate ways and I knew what I wanted to do - sleep!
Yet another week passed and all I did was work, practice and play with the band, and sleep. Now it had been three weeks since I had spoken with Steven. Although my mind was preoccupied with everything that was going on in my life, every now and then I'd have a picture of his handsome face appear in my thoughts.
* * * *
That Sunday I decided I'd had enough of the lonely feeling I kept having to put out of my mind. Either our relationship would have to be on or off, in which case I could enjoy Craig's company freely, without worrying about other people's assumptions.
Mrs Chalmers answered the telephone at Steven's house. "Oh, hello Debbie. Yes, Steven is home. I'll just get him for you."
For a moment I considered hanging up, but then decided against it. Hearing Steven's voice made my heart skip a beat.
"Hi Steven, I'm sorry for ringing you when I said I'd wait for you to call ... but I miss you so much," I pleaded with him, not caring that I had thrown away every inch of pride I held.
There was silence for a minute and then he spoke. "Debbie, come over. I miss you too."
I felt so relieved when I arrived at his house and saw his parents were just driving away. Running into the lounge I caught sight of Steven sitting on one of the sofas. "If I could run into your arms, I would," he said before I went to sit beside him. And then the seat beside him wasn't close enough so I sat on his lap facing him, holding him and then kissing him.
We kissed for so long that now my feelings were going to the other extreme from what they had been in recent times - suddenly I felt like I didn't want to ever be apart from this man again. When we came apart, I was breathless.
"I'm so sorry," Steven started saying and I put my finger over his lips before kissing him again. Now the urgency of his met mine and I could feel Steven's hands touching my hair, my neck and down over my breast before returning to my back temporarily. His lips left mine to kiss my neck as his hand returned to touch my breast just light enough to make my breath stop for a moment. Steven looked at me as if asking me if that was okay and I was stunned by what I wanted and would give anything for at that moment. I kissed him again and got totally lost in the smell and feel of him.
Before we knew it two hours had passed and outside we heard the car pulling into the driveway. I had never before kissed a man solidly for that long and I felt like my head was floating. When I looked at Steven's face I saw he was reacting the same way. Then he snapped out of it.
"Quick, turn the television on," he said and I had just done so and sat down beside Steven before Mr and Mrs Chalmers walked in.
"Hello, Debbie," they both greeted me as they came in the door and I returned it. "Would you like to stay for dinner? We've got heaps," Mrs Chalmers said and I smiled at Steven.
"That would be lovely, thank you, Mrs Chalmers."
When both of them disappeared into the kitchen I looked at Steven and started laughing. "Why are you giggling?" he asked, starting to tickle me. Then I started really giggling. "Tell me," he laughed at me and I pinned down his arms as I leaned in close to him.
"Because I'm so happy when I'm with you," I said and kissed him quickly before Mr Chalmers returned to the lounge. Steven released his hands from mine and pulled me into a hug. Before I would have been a little embarrassed in front of his parents but now it felt right and I could tell both Steven and his parents felt the same way.
The dinner was delicious and as we finished, Mrs Chalmers spoke up. "Debbie, I think I speak for everyone at this table when I say that I am so pleased you and Steven are back together," she said and I shut my mouth rapidly when I realised it had fallen open. What an odd thing to say to one's son's girlfriend. I looked to Steven for guidance but he was giving his parents a look I couldn't read.
"Mum," he started to say and she tried to say something more but he stopped her. "Mum, I haven't told her."
Now it was definitely time to speak.
"You haven't told me what?" I asked but no-one answered, yet it seemed like a lot of invisible arrows were being sh
ot across the table with looks.
Steven started removing himself from the table. "Steven?" I asked to his back as he started moving away.
He stopped and looked at me with tears in my eyes. "That I can't make love with you. I won't ever be able to make love with you," he said and headed toward his bedroom. The sound of his door slamming broke me out of the shock I was in; not caused by what he had just said but more because of the oddness of everything that was evolving in his usually-carefree household.
I turned to look at his parents. "What is going on here?" I asked and they looked to each other.
After a moment Mr Chalmers spoke. Normally a happy go lucky man, I was surprised to see him look so sombre.
"Debbie, Steven is in a wheelchair because of a cycling accident he was involved in some years ago - did he tell you that?"
I shook my head. "We haven't talked about him being in a wheelchair," I said and Mrs Chalmers sighed as she held her husband's hand and reached to take mine.
"The accident left Steven unable to walk, but he's also impotent. He can't have sex. Do you understand what we are telling you?" she asked and I nodded, anger beginning to form inside me. I released the hold on me.
"Yes, I understand, Mrs Chalmers! What I don't understand is why you've taken it upon yourselves to tell me this. Did it occur to you that maybe I don't care, and maybe Steven doesn't care either?" I said and took a deep breath before continuing. "Don't you think that if sex was that important to me the issue would have come up long before now?"
"We just didn't want you to be blind to what a future with Steven could leave you without," Steven's mother said and I leaned in to both of them.
"I like and respect both of you, and in the future I'd really like to forget that we had this conversation, but right now I would love your permission to stay the night here with Steven. To me, he is the most important person in this household and I'm not going to let you build up a complex in him over this," I said and looked from one parent to the other.
"Do I have your permission?" I asked.
Steven's father nodded. "Of course. You can stay whenever you like."
I pulled away from the table. "Right, then, let's forget this whole discussion, shall we?" I could feel rage draining from me as I neared Steven's bedroom door. I knocked but he didn't answer so I tried the door handle. It was open.
Walking inside felt odd, like this wasn't right yet, but I went on in and sat on the bed beside Steven, who was curled up on his side, crying. Seeing this made me want to cry too. I put my hand on his shoulder but he pulled away. "I'm so sorry," he said through sobs.
"What for?" I asked but no reply came. "Steven?"
"Didn't they tell you?" he asked and I moved so that I could lie beside him and comfort him but also see his face.
"They didn't tell me anything you had to apologise for."
All I wanted to do was take him in my arms and tell him everything was fine. He moved so that he was lying on his back and pulled me into a hug. "Everything seems so right - like we belong together," he said as I started stroking his chest. "Like we could fit together perfectly, you know?" he asked and I nodded. He wasn't wrong there. I started kissing his neck as he spoke. "But we won't ... ever."
Those words made me realise that talking about it could possibly make Steven feel worse and worse. Right now I wanted him to feel important and the more I kissed and caressed him the more that feeling of being turned on returned.
I pulled away far enough so that I could look at his face. It seemed like such a delicate situation - like pushing Steven now could make him feel great, or it could make him feel the worst he may have ever felt. For a long time we just looked into each others' eyes. So much pain seemed to register on the young but very attractive face before me. Was I really the person to be handling this? Could I handle it?
"I don't want to be apart from you again," Steven said and I was thrilled inside and a little bit relieved by those few words, but also scared at the depth of emotion coming from Steven right then.
"Well, you don't have to be - I'm right here," I answered and leaned in to kiss him once again. Then we were kissing passionately, as we had been earlier in the evening, before everything had turned so weird. He broke away from me, as breathless as I was, but I could feel his frustration emanating off him.
"What's the point Debbie? We'll keep heading in the same direction but never be able to fulfil what we start," he cried desperately. I took his hand and slowly placed it on my breast.
"This is the point, Steven. You fulfil me when we kiss and touch, and it can only get better. And when you stop feeling sorry for yourself, we'll be able to learn how I can make you feel great too," I said and he quickly answered, "You do make me feel great already."
"Then why ask what the point is?"
He pulled me into his arms tightly and I felt so safe I didn't think I would ever want to leave Steven's side again. I couldn't walk away from him, and most importantly I couldn't watch him give up on himself as a lovable person. But the big question burned on my mind - what was the best way to approach the subject? How could I help him?
* * * *
When I awoke, the room was dark although the curtains were still open. With the moonlight shining in, there was just enough light to focus on everything in the room. I looked at the clock and saw it was after midnight, before turning back and seeing Steven's profile in the light. What a beautiful face he had, yet so little confidence.
"What are you looking at?" the voice I loved to hear asked, breaking an almost sacred silence.
"I thought you were asleep," I whispered back, trying to avoid the question because for a moment the tone of it alienated me, like I was invading his privacy, staring at him with such intensity.
As much as I wanted to be with Steven, there was an uncomfortable silence hanging over us. I couldn't pinpoint exactly what was wrong. As if reading my thoughts he tightened his arms around me and kissed me lightly before falling asleep again.
The next time I awoke it was 5am. I had just enough time to get home, have a shower and go to work. Was it right to leave Steven to wake up alone? Or should I phone in sick? I asked myself these questions but decided to go to work. As I pulled away from him he stirred but didn't wake up. Before I opened the door to leave, I glanced back at him. Even when he was asleep he looked friendly, peaceful and very huggable. I left before any change of thoughts entered my mind.
* * * *
All day at work I found it hard to concentrate, not just because I was extremely tired, but also because my head was full of conflicting thoughts. I decided to find out more about how to deal with Steven, even though I knew he'd be angry and upset if he ever found out.
That afternoon I sat in a local Family Planning Clinic and explained how Steven's parents were, what they had said to me and how Steven seemed to feel about it. The doctor listened intently and waited till I had finished. There was a moment of silence before she spoke. "Debbie, whatever is wrong with Steven could be physical, or it could be emotional. I think the best thing for you to do is not mention anything about it to him and let him take your relationship as fast or slow as he wishes. Don't tell him that you've seen me as he may only feel betrayed. Just make sure that whatever he does, he knows you'll help him however you can." She paused again. "If after what seems like a long time in your eyes, it seems that Steven can't get over this problem, come back and see me so that we can be sure you will be okay in such a position. Alright?" she asked and smiled when I nodded. "You seem to be a strong minded young lady, Debbie - I know you'll make Steven happy. He needs someone to make him feel that he's just like the next person," she said and I left the office.
On the way home I thought about everything the doctor had said and made a conscious effort to put all of the subject out of my mind. When I walked into the lounge at home, Sally and Tina greeted me as I sat down.
"Steven called for you, Debbie. He sounded desperate. Could you please ring him back?" Tina said and Sally
and I exchanged looks. Did she know about what had happened the night before? I got up and headed for the phone. As I stared at it and dialled the last digit of Steven's number, I put a smile on my face and focused on dismissing all negative thoughts from my mind.
Steven answered at the other end. "Hello?" said the same voice I had heard last in the middle of the night.
"Hi Steven, Tina said you rang. Is everything okay?" I asked, not sounding as happy as I had planned. I heard him sigh my name at the other end of the line.
"I just wanted to make sure that you made it to work on time ... and that you had a good day," he said and I could tell he also wanted to forget the entire night before. From there our conversation relaxed and we talked like we usually did.
After having a shower I decided all I wanted to do was go to bed. Just as I got in, and settled cosily under the blankets, there was a knock at my door and Craig walked in. He closed the door quietly and came to sit on my bed.
"What are you doing here, Craig? I wasn't expecting you," I said quietly.
"I was just passing and I thought you might need a friend to talk to. Is everything okay, Debs?" It gave me goosebumps when I thought about the fact that Craig and I could read each other's vibes from several miles away. I'd never known anyone else that well before. Was it normal?
I smiled at him. "Everything is fine, but I'm glad you're here - maybe you could just give me a hug, huh?" I said and sat up to let him take me in his arms.
He pulled away. "I can see you're really tired so I'll leave," he said and stood up. Then he did something so odd - he tucked me into bed and kissed me on the forehead, just like I'd experienced very early in my childhood.
"Goodnight Debs," he said as he left the room.
"Goodnight Craig," I mumbled to the closed door.
Chapter 8
Total Freedom (Total Freedom Series Book 1) Page 5