During that week I didn't see Steven but we rang each other daily and everything was fine. When I got home from work on Friday he was waiting for me.
"I know you weren't expecting me but I wanted to ask you something," he said after I had kissed him and sat down beside him. He paused before he continued. "I was wondering if ... if I could stay here with you tonight," he said and I was taken aback. This was the first time Steven had been so forward with me. I quickly closed my gaping mouth.
"Steven, of course you can stay - I'd love for you to. I have to play tonight though. Do you want to come and listen?" I asked and he shook his head.
"I'd just like to be here when you get home," he said and I smiled.
"I have to get ready," I said and left to do just that.
When I returned to the lounge to wait for Craig to pick me up, it was Steven's turn to gape. "What's wrong?" I asked him, looking down at my clothes.
"Wow," he said and closed his mouth. "You look so … different," he spluttered out.
I remembered then that this was the first time he had seen my singing 'image' and could relate to his shock. During the day and when I relaxed I certainly never wore as much makeup or as little a skirt.
I sat beside him and I could see him taking in all the bare skin before him. He leaned in to kiss me but I held him back. "If you kiss me now, Steven, I won't be able to leave," I said, just before I heard the front door shut. "I'll see you when I get home," I said and kissed his cheek, just as Craig walked in.
"Oops, sorry!" he said, and immediately started to walk out. I stood up and called to him.
"It's okay, Craig," I said as I left the room. He was waiting by the front door.
"I guess I'll have to start knocking, huh, Debs?" he said jokingly but I could see pain in his eyes. I playfully put my arm around his shoulders.
"Let's get out of here and go party!" I said to snap us both out of the serious moment.
* * * *
Soon we were up on stage and to me it felt like the best performance we had ever played. When we finished the last song we had intended to play, the crowd wanted more, and looking around the band's faces I could see I wasn't the only one that was overwhelmed. We had decided to leave our duet out because the bar we were playing in seemed mainly rock, but there was no doubt - that was the song they were waiting for.
We finished and the crowd was wild. I had never seen anything like it. We packed up our gear and were ready to leave when a man came up to us and handed me a card. "If you kids ever want a change of scenery, give me a call," he said and walked away.
I called to Andrea, "Here, Andrea, you are our business person," and I could tell she was pleased. I respected her for all our bookings and managing.
Craig and I said goodbye to our band members and were soon on our way to my flat. He was so silent.
"You played brilliantly tonight, Craig," I said and he turned to give me a proud smile.
"Yeah, we all sounded great, huh? That crowd was awesome," he said and I could tell he wasn't going to let me know if it was Steven that was bothering him.
I said goodnight as I got out of the car and I watched him drive out of sight before I went inside. I'd almost forgotten Steven was staying until I'd gone into the bathroom and found all my toiletries laid out, as I had left them so I wouldn't wake anyone when I got in. I had a quick shower before entering my room. In the light from my window I could see the outline of him and I quietly removed my towel and climbed into bed beside him. He was sound asleep so I cuddled up to him and did the same.
In the morning I felt him stroking my back ever so lightly as I woke up. I turned to face him and lost my breath when I saw his body. He was lying on his side, facing me, and when I looked at his upper torso my hands just reached to touch him without me even thinking. When he leaned in and gently kissed me, he pulled me to him so that our bodies touched and I remembered what he had said, "we could fit together perfectly."
We kissed for what seemed like eternity and then Steven pulled away and looked at me. He stroked my face and I kissed his fingers as they moved over my lips. His hand followed a path down my neck and onto one breast where his featherlike touch started to drive me crazy. I closed my eyes to appreciate his touch more as his fingers travelled downward still. He pushed the duvet down and I opened my eyes to look into his.
To see the look of admiration on Steven's face was all it took for me to want to give all of myself to him. But then I remembered that we may never fully connect as one. My thoughts were soon forgotten as I felt his hand stroke my thighs. He parted them and started touching inside my leg. For a moment I wanted to push against him but the feeling of his hand close over me made me relax fully into my pillow and stay absolutely still. Soon his fingers found where and how to make me feel best and I was oblivious to everything around me.
He pulled away and manoeuvred his torso so that he could bend his head to kiss me from my lips down to meet his hands and then I was teased until I exploded in sweet climax. Steven kissed me and I could taste myself on his tongue.
As we kissed, I wondered whether I should touch him or pointedly avoid it. I slowly stroked his back and chest as we kissed, and tried to read any signal that he wanted me to stop. But none came so I let my hand follow a course down. I noticed he was still wearing his underwear and ever so slowly started removing them. I pulled away from his kiss just enough to see his facial expressions.
When he was naked I caressed his buttocks before continuing around to touch and lightly stroke him. I'd never touched anyone before who wasn't responsive and hard but I could tell by Steven's face that this didn't mean he wasn't feeling really good. He groaned and kissed me, more hungrily and aggressively now, and his hands started touching me again all over.
I started to kiss his neck, his chest and downwards but a firm hand pulled me to face level again. As Steven lightly ran his fingers over my face I could see fear in his eyes. What was he afraid of?
We lay still, looking into each other's eyes until I couldn't stand the silence anymore. Just as I was going to speak, a tear fell from Steven's eyes and I gently wiped it away. I had to control myself from crying also.
"Steven, the closer you and I get, the more upset you seem," I said and waited for a reply that didn't come. "You have to tell me when I do something that makes you unhappy."
Before I could say anything more, he placed his forefinger over my lips. "No … no, you aren't making me unhappy. Ever since my accident happened I've been convinced that I'd never have anyone to feel this way with." He paused. "All you've done is make me feel the best anyone can."
"Then why the tears?" I had to ask.
"I wish that I could make you happier. I know you say that sex doesn't matter but what about later on? Children? Do you want a family, Debbie?" he asked and I was stunned. It was a premature question for the stage we were at, but it was a question that should be answered all the same if I wanted a future with Steven. "And I can't imagine how it feels for you to lie in a bed with a man who doesn't - who can't - show just how good and how beautiful you look," he said and I retorted immediately.
"What do you mean? In my eyes you more than make me feel attractive and confident," I said.
He answered just as quickly. "But it would be more complementary if my body reacted the way it should, wouldn't it!"
I was again stunned by Steven's frankness. "You mean if you were hard?" I asked and he nodded.
"Isn't it alienating to you, Debbie?"
"Frightening is more the word. It is scary for me because I don't know if you can feel me touch you, and if you can, if it's an exciting feeling or a numb feeling." I paused for a moment and saw tears beginning to well up again. "You don't get erections - so tell me with words what you want and don't want me to do ... what feels good and what doesn't. This is as new to me as it is to you so we just have to work together and communicate as much as possible." I lay on my back and looked at the window. "Don't think that you'll never satisfy me like an
other man would. A man who has sexual intercourse may never touch me and make me feel the way that you have today." I paused before continuing. "You act like you're not human, but you are, and you should dismiss some of the self-pity you have for yourself because I won't constantly be here to boost you up."
I turned to look at Steven and his tears had stopped. Now he was looking thoughtful, as if what I had said was actually sinking in. He lay down on his back beside me and I noticed his legs and the awkwardness he must feel of them sometimes. "You didn't answer my question," he said and I questioned. "Do you want a family?"
For a few minutes we both lay speechless and in our own thoughts. I tried to think of a positive answer but none came - I just didn't know. And that was the answer I conveyed to him. Nothing more was said on the subject of sex or children or relationships. I think at that moment we both knew that what we needed to do was just relax and have fun.
That was the first time I'd ever spent an entire day in bed with anyone and when it came time to get up and get ready for our Saturday night gig, I didn't want to go. How could I be so dependent on Steven all of a sudden?
* * * *
When Craig arrived, Steven had long ago gone home and I was nervous. I didn't know why.
"Debbie…" he started and I asked why he was looking at me so oddly. "You look different ... I didn't think you could look any more beautiful, but you do," he said and I felt myself blush. Craig gave me a knowing look, like he knew exactly what had made me feel so good, but didn't say anything. "Let's go rock the audience's socks off, huh?!" And with that we were out the door.
We had just gotten ourselves prepared and warmed up when a man came up to me. "I'd like to do a review of your band. Is it okay if I take some photos during the performance and interview you afterwards?"
By the time he'd finished all the band were gathered around and heard the last question. All nodded eagerly and I looked to Andrea to take over the conversation with the man.
As hard as I tried, I couldn't fully forget that there was someone in our audience who was watching to assess our performance. When Craig and I joined to sing Total Freedom, a flash went off for the first time. I could foresee in my mind that such a photo of me and Craig would provide yet another reason for Steven to feel insecure if he saw it.
When we'd finished our last set, the man came backstage. "I can see that you guys probably want to get home after such an electrifying performance. Perhaps I could just get your names and brief history?" he asked, after introducing himself.
Andrea came forward. "Yes, sir. I can tell you all you'd like to know," she said and Craig and I left her to it. Although it was exciting to have someone so interested, I was just too tired to stay around any longer.
* * * *
Early Sunday morning I was woken by the ring of the telephone. Slowly I crawled out to answer it.
"Hello?" I mumbled into the receiver.
"Debbie?" the male voice asked.
"Craig, isn't it a little early for you to be calling? Is something wrong?" I tried to wake up.
"Are you kidding? You obviously haven't read the paper this morning. Debbie, nothing is wrong!" he answered, full of enthusiasm.
"Okay, what are you talking about?" I started to ask but he cut me off.
"I'm not saying another word. When you're up, call me back, okay?" he said and I agreed.
I'd just gotten settled back into my bed again when a knock came on my door.
"Go away," I said as I buried myself deeper under the covers.
I heard the door open.
"Debbie," Tina's voice sounded as she came up to my bed. "Sorry to wake you but I couldn't wait to show you this," she said and I pulled out from under my duvet and sat up. She handed the newspaper to me and as I tried to focus on the page presented to me, one headline leapt out at me. 'Local Band Total Freedom - A Must to See!' I read on.
'You may have noticed a new band's name occurring in the local entertainment column of your newspaper - Total Freedom is their name and this group of young musicians has to be the one of the most recommended and talented this town has recently produced.
'Of course, the name may seem somewhat familiar to those of you who remember a local band that was big a few years ago called The Drabs. Total Freedom was the name of an original they wrote, that everyone was talking about at the time.
'So what's the connection, you ask? Lead singer of The Drabs, Debbie King, and keyboardist, Craig Dobson, are the heart of the new band and they're bigger and better than ever. Still singing all the hits they sung before, as well as new material, vocalist Debbie King has come a long way since The Drabs, and produces each song with true dedication to professionalism. And for those of you who remember Debbie as a shy young lady - wow! You may not even recognise her now. This lady truly had style!
'Keyboardist Craig Dobson shows he also has taken a professional approach to the music industry - both his keyboard skills and singing ability are well worth praise. Greg Jones, Andrea Wood and Andrew Reeves make up the rest of Total Freedom. DON'T MISS THEM!'
I stared at the page for a moment longer, as if it might disappear any minute. I looked up at Tina and she gave me a smile and hug.
"I'm so excited for you, Debbie!" she said and looked at me. "Aren't you going to say anything?"
I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know what to say."
For a while we sat speechless. Then I smiled and started laughing. I jumped out of bed. "Where are you going?" Tina asked.
I was already on my way to the shower. "I have to go see Craig!"
A shower, to me, is a total escapism. Whenever I truly want to be alone with no interruptions to my thoughts, a shower is in order. Now was one of those moments.
I wondered if I should phone Steven - or would that seem arrogant and boastful? I decided against it - he'd contact me if he wanted to talk about it. I was glad the reporter hadn't printed the photo - if he had, I would've been scared about what Steven might think.
When I phoned Craig's house, he answered promptly.
"Craig," I said and he replied straight away.
"Did you read it?" he asked, sounding like a young child at Christmas time.
I laughed at him. "Oh my gosh! It's amazing!"
"I think this deserves a celebration. How about I take you out to lunch at The Savoy? Andrea, Greg and Andrew have already gone out for the day," Craig said and I smiled.
"I'd love to go out with you for lunch, but The Savoy? Isn't that a little expensive?"
* * * *
An hour and a half later, a knock came on our front door. When I opened the door I saw that I wasn't the only one who had taken the time to put in effort to get dressed up. With me in a dress, and Craig in his suit, the two of us stood just as we had the night of the party.
The moment had to be broken - if it wasn't then I may have melted into Craig's arms and that would have been so wrong.
"Shall we?" I asked, putting my arm through his and leading him out the door.
When we drove to the restaurant an eerie silence hung over us. It wasn't till Craig and I had been seated and were enjoying our meals that he truly relaxed.
"A toast," he said, smiling as he held up his glass of orange juice. The thought made me giggle but I did the same. "Here's to you and I, for we are great musicians, and great friends, and between you and I, Debs, everything can only get better."
The smile faded from Craig's face again and I placed my glass to his as I tried to read what exactly he was thinking about.
We ate in silence and then I couldn't stand it any longer. "Alright, when are you going to tell me what is bothering you?"
"Sorry, I really wanted this to be a happy day for us ... but I can't get something off my mind long enough to keep smiling for you," he said and I questioned what he was talking about. "Let's go, okay?"
Before I could argue he continued. "Don't ask me any questions now. Let's go back to your house - there's something I have to tell you." I knew Craig's tone
meant the best thing I could do was not say a word so we drove home, once again in total silence.
Once in the lounge he instructed me to sit down, while he started pacing. "I got a phone call this morning..." He paced and paused, and I still remained silent. Finally he sat down beside me. "Debbie, I got a call from your mother this morning." There, he'd said it and the word 'mother' put me into shock for a minute. Then my mind went on auto pilot. I stood up abruptly to get away from Craig. "She must have read the write up in the newspaper and looked for my number in the phone book," he said.
"What did she say? What did you say?" I turned and asked him, feeling very angry all of a sudden, although I knew Craig didn't deserve my mood.
He stood up and we faced each other.
"I told her I wouldn't give out your number but I would talk to you and give you her number."
He paused and took a piece of paper out of his pocket. "Here."
I stood back from his extended hand. "I don't want her number! I don't want to even hear about her. I want nothing to do with her. God, those two … people … did all they could to rip me apart when I was a kid, with their constant efforts to make me believe I was worth nothing. You know how much they hurt me with their constant … psychotic … pushing to make me feel bad about who I was. If I hadn't met you when I did, and I'd stayed at home with them, they would have pushed me to … Craig, I was so close to giving up on live altogether because of their constant demeaning. I can't go back there and let them start to do that to me again. I just can't."
"Deb, you have come so far in getting rid of all your fears," he said as I caught sight of Steven and Sally entering the room. Craig didn't notice and continued. "But you haven't gotten over this one at all!"
"I am not afraid of my parents, Craig!" I shouted at him, as tears strained my eyes.
"Then ring them! Give them a chance to make things right."
We stared at each other - both defiant as to who was right.
"I am sorry that she rang you. If she calls again, just tell her we have nothing to talk about. Because I don't care that she gave birth to me - I'm not going anywhere near those people. I will never again go down that path and let them affect me like they did when I was a kid," I said and he moved toward me.
Total Freedom (Total Freedom Series Book 1) Page 6