"Debs…" he started to beg me, to change my mind.
I cut him off straight away. "No! I don't want to talk about this any more."
And with that, he gave me another one of his 'I don't believe you' looks and started to storm out, but for a second when he met eyes with Steven, he stood still, as if he were going to say something to him. After hesitating for that moment, he just walked out.
I wanted to do the same. Then I realised Steven and Sally were both in the room, looking at me through a wall of heavy silence. Sally excused herself as Steven moved to the sofa and looked to me as if to ask, 'what should I say?'.
As if a cord drew me, I walked to the sofa and was soon in Steven's arms. When I found the strength, I pulled away from him.
"Did you read the write up in the paper this morning?" I asked, remembering and getting excited again whilst trying to put my argument with Craig out of my mind. Steven nodded. For a moment he didn't say anything, did not smile - just looked at me so intently.
"I came over to congratulate you," he said, and I felt a huge twinge of guilt hang over me.
"But I wasn't here," I mumbled, without realising I was speaking out loud. My head was bowed and I could feel Steven's hand come up to my chin and raise me to face him again.
"It's okay, Debbie. I should have called first, that's all." There was silence. "And I should have known you and Craig would go out to celebrate," he finished and I felt like I was going to cry. "I guess I just have to stop presuming you're home every minute we're apart."
I wanted to tell him he wasn't doing that. But when I thought about it, he was right. It was more than once now he had just turned up at my home, expecting me to be there, waiting to give him attention. So I kept quiet.
His hand dropped from my face to my hand, which he drew to his lips. He sighed.
"When I came into the room and saw you I was reminded of how lucky I am. You and Craig look so outstanding and gracious together … yet you choose to be with me," he said, pausing again. "I don't understand it, but I love you so much, and you're so beautiful."
That was all it took for me to melt against Steven. We kissed and for the first time I felt him take the initiative as he started stroking my leg, up, up…
"Oops, sorry," I heard Tina say quietly and I broke away from Steven.
When I looked at the doorway it was too late - Tina had already left. I looked at Steven and he was studying me as if he didn't know how to handle my worries anymore. As if all the guilt I seemed to be feeling these days was finally getting to him as well. If it wasn't one situation I thought I handled wrong, it was another, or another.
"Hey, let's go to a movie, huh?" he suggested and it was just what I needed - an escape from reality for a couple of hours.
"Okay, I'll just have a shower and change."
At the cinema Pete met us again and showed me and Steven to our seats. We saw about the first 30 minutes of the movie and then Steven enticed me to kiss for the next hour. When the lights in the theatre came on I didn't want to leave.
"Hey you guys, keep it clean, huh?" I heard Pete's voice beside us and reluctantly I parted from Steven's side as Pete helped him out. When we got outside and had waved Pete goodbye, I felt renewed and relieved of any problems or worries.
"I'll race you to the corner," Steven said, and I took the bet. Needless to say he bet me and I was breathless when I caught up with him.
"So I won the bet, right?" he said and I laughed.
"What exactly did we bet, Steven?"
"Well, let's just say I guess you're staying at my house tonight."
I laughed at him and kissed him.
"I can't. I have to work tomorrow."
"Okay. But you'll come in for a while?" he asked and flashed me such as brilliant smile, I couldn't refuse.
When we entered the living room at Steven's home, Mr and Mrs Chalmers greeted me with welcoming smiles and for a moment the argument I had had with Craig that morning passed through my mind.
"There's plenty of dinner left over if you two would like some," Mrs Chalmers said and I shook my head as I sat beside Steven and settled in his arms.
"Thanks Mrs Chalmers but I'm not really hungry."
Steven's Dad spoke up. "Hey Debbie, do you play poker?" he asked me and Steven started to object.
"Dad…."
I playfully touched Steven on the arm to restrain him, as I leaned forward. "Do I play poker?!"
From there two hours passed quickly as I played cards with Steven and his parents. Steven sat so close to me that I was very aware that he was there. That didn't affect my playing ability and soon Mr Chalmers put up his hands in defence. "Okay, enough for me - I give up. You're quite a player, Debbie," he said and suggested he and his wife retire to bed.
After saying goodnight it was just me and Steven again. As I looked at Steven, I sighed.
"What was that sigh for?" he asked.
"I just love being with you so much."
For a moment we just looked at each other. Then Steven broke the silence with such a sharp statement that it made me gasp. "You know, if we lived together, we could be together so much more," he said and I was taken aback.
"Steven, it's too soon…" I started to say and he cut me off.
"You don't want to live with someone who you can't have sex with?"
I stood up, feeling so angry at him all of a sudden. "It hasn't got anything to do with sex. Maybe I'm just not ready to be that involved with someone yet. You shouldn't just put things to me like this. If you'd asked me if I thought two people should live together; if you'd asked me when might be a good time for us to discuss it ... but don't just throw something like that at me and get upset when I can't immediately say yes. Something like that doesn't just come down to you being in a wheelchair; it has to be if I want it as well!"
After taking a deep breath, in an effort to calm down, I sat down beside him again and took his hand in mine.
"Listen," he said, "Mum and Dad are going away on vacation for a week next month. Why don't you come and stay that week and we can both see how we feel after that?"
I nodded. He was right - this would be a good time for me to determine how much I really wanted to be with Steven. And whether I could live with his disability.
"Okay," I said and leaned in to kiss him. It seemed every time I did kiss him, it got harder to turn away. I quickly pushed myself away from him and stood up. "I have to go. Ring me."
With that I headed home. How on earth was I to sleep with a question like that hanging over my head?
Chapter 9
It was Wednesday before I gave in and rang Craig. "Craig, I am really sorry about the other day. Do you forgive me?" I begged him playfully and he laughed.
"Don't worry about it. It didn't have anything to do with me anyway," he said and I changed the subject to forget about it.
"Are we having a practice tonight?"
"Well, Andrea rang and said she wasn't feeling well so I told her to stay at home and try to get better for tomorrow. So I'll let you know if we can practice tomorrow night. I've been playing around with a tune and would like to get some lyrics to it but I really need input from you guys."
I smiled with pride at Craig, even though he couldn't see me. "Maybe we could sit down together tomorrow after work, before practice, and try a few words together, huh?" I said, enthusiastic to be with Craig again. "I can come over to your house."
"Are you sure? I can pick you up after work if you like."
When I got off the phone I ran home from work to get showered before going to visit Steven. This would be the fourth evening in a row I'd visited him and his parents. Was I starting to depend on him? I hoped not.
As I approached the house, Steven's mother yelled out to me from the front garden. "Steven is out the back, Debbie," she said and I nodded in return before heading down the side of the house.
When I saw Steven I stopped still. He was sitting beneath a tree in the shade. The odd thing was that it was the f
irst time I'd ever seen him not in a chair of any kind, but rather on the ground with his legs outstretched in front of him. He looked incredibly serene ... and so very handsome.
"Hi," he said when he noticed me, breaking me out of my gaze. I walked toward him and knelt before him. I returned the greeting and then had an amazingly strong desire to kiss him. Straddling and sitting astride his legs, we were soon holding and kissing each other like it was the last time we'd see each other.
When we broke apart, both of us were breathless. "Wow, that is some hello!" Steven exclaimed and I smiled. Then I laughed and all of a sudden both of us were giggling uncontrollably.
After quieting, I had to ask the question that had first hit me when I'd arrived. "Steven, how did you get down onto the ground?"
"Dad gave me a hand," he said, and I looked down at the ground. "Why?"
Did I really want to say anything? Well, I thought to myself, I have to understand fully. "And how would you do it if your father weren't here?"
For a moment there was silence as we looked into each other's eyes. Then Steven spoke. "You're asking me how I'm going to get on if we move away from here?" he asked and I nodded. "So you are thinking about it then?"
I sighed. "Of course I'm thinking about it, Steven. I think about it a lot." I paused and he lightly stroked my face before pulling me to him for a kiss. I pushed away slightly. "You know, we should just get on and talk about this now, okay?" I suggested and he nodded. "I see only a little of how you move around, when you need help. We have to know that whatever your parents help you with now, I'm going to be able to in the future."
"The future - that's got a nice ring, doesn't it?!" he said, smiling, and I found myself getting frustrated.
"Steven, you're not listening to me!"
Finally he stopped smirking and got serious. "Yes, I know exactly what you're saying. Okay. As long as we get a place with railings on like the bath and toilet, and ramps instead of steps, I don't really need help. I can be independent. Sitting on the floor or ground like this isn't something I'd be doing every day, you know!" I couldn't seem to get the frown off my face. "I know you're worried about this, but you don't have to be. I know exactly what I need in a house, and I'll find somewhere for us, okay?" I nodded reluctantly. "So now we just have to wait till you're ready! Maybe I can help you decide," he said and soon we were kissing again.
As the dark closed in around us I grew more and more aware that soon Steven's parents would check to see that we were still outside. The thought of them seeing us this close eventually overpowered the urgency and need for Steven's closeness, and I pulled away.
Steven's hands reached to pull me back and I had to stand up to make a break.
"Can we please go inside?" I said and looked down at him, feeling more helpless myself than he probably did.
Before I had time to really worry about anything, Steven had pulled his chair into position and hoisted himself up. He broke me out of my trance by taking my hand, with a look of amusement on his face that said, 'see, nothing to worry about'.
"Come on. Let's go in."
When we entered the house, Steven led me into his bedroom and I felt myself questioning what exactly was going on here. I'd grown to love Steven because he was shy and well-mannered, and different from a lot of guys. But now, all of a sudden, with him leading me straight to his bedroom, I felt like I was being used for pure physical use. Did I really know Steven at all?
Suddenly I just wanted to leave. The feeling of being used grew to be a feeling of nausea and I just had to get away.
At the sound of the bedroom door shutting behind us, I turned to Steven.
"Will you stay with me tonight?" he asked, coming right up to me. "I want to be close to you."
I sighed. "No, I already told you I can't stay - I have to work tomorrow." I leaned down to kiss him. "I want to be with you more, but not if my work is interrupted." There was silence for a moment. "I have to go. I'll ring you on Friday, okay?"
"What about tomorrow?" Steven asked, sounding desperate.
"I have band practice." I walked up to the door. "See you later," I said, trying to smile as I walked out. Obviously all I needed was a good night's sleep. After all, why else would I doubt the man I loved?
* * * *
At work the next day I found myself playing around with words - or should I say, lyrics. The thought of writing with Craig brought back memories of when we wrote the first song, Total Freedom. I couldn't help but smile.
By the time I finished work I was so excited I ran into Craig's arms when he arrived. "What's that for?" he asked, laughing at me. I smiled at him.
"I like it so much better when you and I are not arguing. Let's make a pact to not do it ever again, huh?" He nodded in response.
Chapter 10
Craig sat at the piano in his house and started playing music I'd never heard before. Instinctively I started thinking out some of the lyrics I had been writing earlier that day.
"Do you like these tunes?" Craig asked between sections of music. I nodded enthusiastically.
"I do. Play all of that again," I answered and for the next two hours we sat and went over three songs, again and again.
At 7pm there was a knock on the front door. We were greeted by the rest of the band.
"Hey, have you guys already been practicing?" Greg asked and I smiled at Craig. He sat down at the piano once again.
"We have a few songs we'd like your opinion on," he said and we all sat through them.
Everyone clapped when we'd finished.
"Well, let's get this together, guys!" Andrea exclaimed and so the practice started with all of us working to get the right combined sound.
When we had all three songs just how we liked them, Craig recorded them onto demo tape. "Tomorrow I'll take copies of this around the radio stations and see if anyone will sponsor us," Andrea said and I felt my heart beating faster. How exciting!
"Come on, Debs. I'll take you home," Craig said when the others had left. "You look exhausted." He paused for a moment and then smirked at me humorously. "Getting too little sleep, huh?"
I had to smile at him because he was Craig and he was trying to make light of what at times could be an uneasy situation.
"Let's go," I said, not wanting to talk about Steven. For this day I just wanted to be happy and I knew I would be less than that if I thought about him.
Just as we were going out the front door, the phone rang. "Debs, can you answer that? I'll get the car warmed up," Craig said and walked out.
Gingerly I answered it. "Hello?" I asked, hoping it wasn't going to be anyone who might not appreciate hearing a female voice at Craig's house!
"Debbie? Is that you?" a familiar voice asked, but I couldn't quite place it.
"This is Debbie," I answered quietly. Silence hung on the line for a moment.
"Debbie, this is Mum, honey," she said and I held the phone away from me for a moment, not knowing exactly what to do with it.
Craig walked in and mouthed 'who is it?' when he saw the horrific look on my face. I looked at him and snapped back to reality when I saw how worried he really was just at that moment.
Putting my hand over the receiver I whispered to him, "It's my mother."
He started backing away as he said, "I'll leave you to talk to her."
Before he had a chance to leave the room I grabbed his hand and pulled him so that he had his arms around me from behind. "Please don't leave. Stay here." I took a deep breath and put the receiver to my mouth again. "Mum?" I asked.
"Debbie, where have you been? We've been trying to contact you for so long, baby … we have to talk. Why don't you come over? Or we could come and see you…."
I cut her off.
"No, Mum. Look, I'm fine. I have my own life and I really don’t think we have anything to talk about," I said and I could hear her starting to cry. "I have to go, okay? Please don't ring here. I don't live here and it's not fair on Craig," I said and she screamed back at me straigh
t away.
"Craig! That's the boy you ran away to live with when you were only 16? Couldn't you see we wanted better for you, Debbie? You could have done better than him!"
That was it. "Look Mother, it was never like that and don't ever think you can decide what or who is best for me! Now, I have to go. Goodbye," I said and hung up.
Craig turned me to face him so that he could hold me but all I wanted to do was get home.
"This time, let's go," I said and he knew not to say anything. We drove home in silence.
When we arrived at my house, I turned to him before I got out of the car. Taking his hand in mine I leaned in to him. "No-one knows me as well as you do, Craig. And no-one will ever be as good a friend to me as you," I said and kissed him on the cheek. "Bye."
He didn't say anything; just watched as I climbed out of the car and walked inside. When I shut the front door behind me I heard his car leave the driveway. I looked at my hands to see them still shaking and ran to my room before the tears began.
Chapter 11
"Guess what!" Andrea exclaimed as we set our gear up the next night. We all questioned her and she pulled out a transistor radio. We all crowded around and heard one of our new songs played on the air. No-one said anything during the song and we all stood silent when it finished. The DJ came on the air.
"Hey fans, that's the new tune from local band Total Freedom. If you want to hear more, see them tonight at The Galaxian."
We all looked to each other and all at once started hugging each other. The bar lady came over. "Hey guys, that sounds great. You want a drink to celebrate? On the house of course."
Craig spoke up, "Thanks but we don't drink before a gig." Then he put his arms around me and lifted me up as he turned me around.
I laughed and looked to Andrea, who was staring at Craig with odd sadness. I walked up to her. "Andrea, how did you do that?"
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