She blushed. "I just told a friend of mine at 2XB FM to ask the manager if they could introduce us if we advertised them at the end of a gig and they said they'd sponsor us - that they believed in our talent." She paused for a moment. "I have some posters and stickers that we need to place around whenever we play. And for that they'll play our three new songs each twice a day over the next four weeks."
This was the first time I had seen Andrea blush uncontrollably. Everyone was overwhelmed with what she had achieved for the entire band in such a short time. But there was something there when she looked at Craig - something well hidden till now, but was starting to surface.
Soon we were playing in front of a full house and the reception to our new music was electrifying. When I got into my bed later on that night I couldn't stop my adrenaline rush. I had experienced a lot of such rushes since I'd started performing but never anything like this. Needless to say, I was glad I didn't have to get up early the next day.
* * * *
I awoke Saturday morning with the telephone ringing. Tina knocked on my door lightly. "Debbie, Steven is on the phone for you. Are you awake?"
I called back to her and she brought the phone in. "Hello?" I answered into the receiver. The voice I loved to hear replied.
"Good morning. Did I wake you up? I was wondering if you'd like to come over and spend the day with me?"
A reminiscence of the thoughts I'd had about Steven only three nights before went through my mind and I quickly dismissed it. I must have just been tired. Where he was concerned my emotions were like a yo-yo and now all I wanted to do now was be with Steven.
"Actually, I am really comfortable here in my warm bed. I don't feel like getting up today. Could you come and visit me instead?"
He laughed quietly. "And keep you company in your bed?"
I laughed back and felt myself blush.
"Sure. I'll see you soon, Steven."
I should have gotten out of bed long enough to have a shower but I just had no energy at all. Soon there was a knock at the door.
"Come in," I answered and Steven entered. He came up to my bed and I felt so self-conscious all of a sudden. I moved over in my bed. "Climb up here," I said and watched his procedure of doing so. He lay down beside me and I lay on my back to pull him half over me.
"When I get this close to you I imagine that we're in 'our' bed. That we'd do this very night and every morning. I can wake up and see your face. I can go to sleep seeing you in my dreams and feeling you by my side."
I reached up to touch Steven's face. "I want to be with you too. I'm just trying to not let us go too fast."
He pushed himself so that he was lying fully on top of me. "Are you talking about our relationship or sex?"
"There's nothing that will hold me back from sleeping with you, you know that, except if it interferes with my work." We looked at each other a moment. "And right now all I want is to touch you and be touched by you."
This time in my bed we were overtaken by passion and didn't stop to think. Steven was making me so physically alive - it was so different to last time.
When I lay down on top of Steven and we kissed hungrily, I opened my eyes and saw tears. I pulled back till he looked at me. "We're so close, but there's nothing to connect us!" he said angrily and then burst into real tears.
I sat up, astride him. "Oh, for God's sake, snap out of it. We've been through this. How can you bring me to orgasm and talk about the loss of not having sexual intercourse within the same few minutes?"
I started to feel tears come to my own eyes, out of frustration that I just couldn't put up with this great-bad-great yo-yo situation with Steven. I looked up at the ceiling, trying to stop the tears, trying to not let Steven see. Then I felt it. Rising behind me.
I looked down at Steven but he didn't seem to feel it. "Steven, can you feel what has just happened?" I asked, smiling at him.
"What?" he asked, looking confused.
For a moment I wondered if I should let Steven know he was, at that moment, what he was certain he could never be. The smile left my face as quickly as it had appeared. What was I to do?
I decided to plunge right in. I reached behind me to make sure he was still erect and was surprised to find him so hard. "Can you feel me touch you?" I asked and he frowned at me.
"Sort of. I mean I know you are touching me." He looked sad again.
I put my weight on each knee and raised myself so there was clear view under me. "Could you feel that you've become hard?" I asked and for a moment Steven wouldn't look at himself, as if ashamed. "Steven, look!" I said, losing patience at him.
Slowly his head turned to look at me and down underneath me. He quickly raised his eyes to meet mine again. "Debbie … you really take my breath away," he stuttered, looking very uncomfortable and embarrassed.
I lowered down to sit astride him again. Steven's hand came up to my face and he guided me down to lie on him, and he kissed me softly. "You must know I want to be inside you," he said and I wondered if this was a good idea. "Please, I want us to join."
He sounded so desperate I had to go with what I thought may be a mistake. I nodded. "Okay." I reached into the drawer beside my bed and pulled out a condom.
"I don't think that will be needed. I've never ejaculated in my life," Steven said and I could see just how hard it was for him to talk about such personal things.
"Yeah, well, you said you didn't think you got erections either." I paused to put on the condom and turned to smile at him. "But this, Steven, is definitely an erection!" I said, trying to make him feel a little more manly that he ever let himself feel. He blushed heavily.
Positioning myself above him I looked at his face. He was staring intently into my eyes with an odd innocence, scared of what was about to happen. "What are you waiting for?" he choked out and I hovered, staring straight back at him.
"Drop your eyes, Steven. I want you to see us join together."
When Steven realised I was going to do nothing till he did what I asked, I saw his eyes lower. I closed my eyes and felt my way down over Steven. He had been right all along - it did feel like we fitted together perfectly. I relaxed my body, cleared my mind and let excitement and passion control what was happening. Steven pulled me down to him and I kissed him while still moving up and down. After a long time of moving, both our bodies were starting to sweat and the feel of my chest rubbing against his was unbearably exciting.
Steven wrapped his arms around me in a bear hug. "Debbie," he whispered into my hair. "Please, stop moving." I stopped still and kissed his neck, his lips, before opening my eyes to look into his. He looked at me helplessly. "I want this to last longer."
I kissed him again deeply and started moving again, slowly. "Well, I want you to experience just how you make me feel when you touch me!"
Before he had a chance to object I sat up and increased tempo until Steven groaned out my name and I felt him pulsate and release inside me. The sight of him experiencing this pleasure and the way he looked at me when he opened his eyes made me feel so proud, so excited, and even a little giddy. I started giggling.
"Now tell me you can't make me feel as good as any other man could," I said and he smiled a brilliant smile at me as I started to withdraw off him. When he slipped out and I removed the very full condom, I smiled at him. "And you thought you wouldn't ejaculate!" I said as I held the condom up before putting it in the rubbish bin.
Steven kept quiet as I lay down beside him and across his chest. "How come you are so closed when it comes to sex?" I asked and he questioned what I meant. "I don't know - you just seem really ashamed or something." I paused for a moment. "I want you to feel relaxed with me. This is something that will get even better between us as time goes by. It's not something to be embarrassed about."
"Debbie, this might be a one-time thing - please don't have any expectation that my body will keep responding like that."
Slowly Steven pushed me on my back and cuddled into my chest. I stroked h
is back and ran my fingers through his hair.
After us being silent for several minutes, each in our own thoughts, he said, "All this time since I had my accident, I never thought I'd ever experience such happiness, such pleasures that other men experience." We lay in silence for a moment more before he continued. "You give me so much confidence to get out and do things I've been scared to try. You give me life, Debbie."
The words gave me a chill. That was too serious a statement. What was I exactly doing to Steven? Did I want this sort of dependency?
* * * *
When I awoke later that afternoon I realised how little time I had to get ready for our gig that night. For the first time I had to get myself untangled from Steven whilst trying not to wake him. Just from pulling away I could feel the weight of his legs and was so afraid of hurting him.
As I finally climbed onto the floor I turned to look at him and again was jolted back to reality that he was just an ordinary guy. I didn't need to worry about hurting him at all. An ordinary guy with a usual heavy sleep ability, so I left the house with Craig, thinking all the way to the pub of the little boy in my bed. That vulnerable little boy.
I could feel Craig's eyes on me as we got ready to play. He had said nothing to me since we left my flat but I knew he wasn't upset with me - he was just leaving me to my thoughts.
The crowd applauded and whistled as I stepped up to the microphone. I turned to Craig and smiled at him with adrenaline flowing through me. He returned a dazzling smile of relief before turning to the audience.
After our first set we went out back and Craig came up to me and held me tight. I pulled away and looked up at him. "I don't know where you were when I picked you up, Debs," he said, "but I'm sure glad you're back. I was so worried."
All I could do was smile. "All is good with me, but thank you for caring about me so much," I said, taking his hand in mine.
Behind Craig I again caught a look from Andrea toward us. And that sad long face she had. Yes, I decided, there's definitely something behind her eyes.
In the car on the way home I was tempted to say something to Craig about Andrea, but decided against it. It wasn't really my place to interfere. I was sure Craig would notice eventually her admiration for him, if he didn't already.
Chapter 12
Weeks passed until the time had finally arrived when Steven's parents were going on vacation. When I got to their house after work on Friday they had already left.
"So as from now, the entire house is ours. All week," Steven said as he pulled me into his arms on the sofa. I felt nervous at the anticipation of 'living together' for a week. We had been spending most nights together anyway but this was different. This was almost like playing husband and wife.
"You're shaking," Steven said, pulling away from me and looking into my eyes. "What's wrong?"
I shook my head. "I have to get ready for practice. We're getting a couple of hours of practice in before we play tonight," I said and kissed him quickly before leaving to change.
When I returned to the lounge he gave me a look of disbelief. "I thought this would be our week, Debbie."
I sad down beside him.
"No, you know I play every Friday and Saturday night. Don't expect me to give my life up to be with you. I won't do it this week; I won't do it if we live together permanently." I paused and touched his cheek with my fingers. "This is part of what we'll have to agree on if we get any more involved. Think about that," I said before leaving.
Craig was waiting for me outside. "You could have come inside, Craig. I didn't know you were here."
He turned and looked at me. "Then why did you come outside?" he asked and I whispered my reply.
"I just needed some fresh air."
He started the car. "Yeah, well, I'm not so comfortable that I'd walk into Steven's home, and I'm sure he's not so comfortable about me that he would like me in there."
I sighed. "Well, for this week this is my home and I wish you would accept that. I need your support - sometimes you're the only person who really keeps me going. Don't walk out on our friendship because I sleep with Steven," I said and he cut me off.
"This isn't about sleeping with him, Debs. You're living with him … and every day I just get more and more scared that this relationship is getting so serious." He was quiet for a moment. "Every day that you guys are together is a day of less chance that the two of you will part and you will want me." Another moment of silence as I processed what he was saying. "God, I love you so much and I try hard to let go, but it's getting harder and I just don't know how to be happy for you anymore."
When we stopped at the pub we both said nothing, and when I turned to look at him I could see tears rolling down Craig's face. "Craig…"
He turned to look at me, wiping his eyes. "Let's just go inside, okay?" I nodded in return.
As we set up I was constantly aware of our associates' eyes on both me and Craig. I could picture how Andrea would feel toward me if she picked up that I had made Craig's eyes bloodshot from tears. If she hadn't already.
As we played I knew we were sounding good but definitely not as great as we had done in recent times. And when it came time to do the duet, Total Freedom, or in fact any of the songs that Craig and I had written together, we didn't sing eye to eye as usual, but rather to the audience. I wondered if they would notice the difference.
Craig drove me home in silence. I walked into Steven's house feeling very lonely, even though I knew I wasn't going to be alone. It was like only half of me existed all of a sudden.
Steven called out to me from his bedroom and I breathed a heavy sigh before moving toward his voice.
"Hi," I said when I got to the open door, trying hard to smile. For some reason I felt more inclined to stay standing at the doorway than move to his bed, where he lay.
"Are you okay, Debbie?" he asked and even in the dim light from his bedside lamp I could see the genuine concern in his eyes.
Slowly I approached Steven's bed and sat on the edge of it. I didn't say anything. I couldn't. When I looked into the eyes of the man beside me I had to make a decision. This was the man I loved so much; I couldn't walk away from him. And yet, somehow what Craig had just said to me had had an effect on me.
Steven pulled me into his arms and nothing was said between us as we kissed and held each other. It was the first night since we'd met that we slept together, with neither of us needing or wanting anything more.
* * * *
When I woke up the next morning I looked around but Steven was nowhere to be seen. It was surprising to me that he could have gotten out of bed without disturbing me.
Coming from the kitchen I could hear music on a radio, and Steven whistling. The vision that entered my head - Steven being domestic with apron and chef's hat, cooking and singing, and moving his chair to the beat - made me smile as I climbed out of bed and headed for the shower. There a reminder of the night before came into my head but by the time I was dressed I had purposely forgotten it.
"You look beautiful," Steven said, startling me where I stood, in front of the mirror. "Don't change a thing."
I could feel myself blush - a trait that I never seemed to be able to shake, no matter how many compliments of the sort I got from men these days. Sometimes I still saw myself as the same person I was all that time ago.
We looked at each other a moment before Steven turned. "Come on, follow me," he said and out we went, through the house and out the back door. On the outdoor dining table I could see what Steven had been doing while I slept. A tablecloth highlighted a layout of fresh hot food and coffee, but the thing that most caught my eyes was the centrepiece - a vase of flowers freshly picked from the garden and beautifully arranged.
Steven pulled my chair out for me and as I sat down, handed me a red rose and kissed my cheek. I almost burst into tears.
"You're very quiet this morning," Steven said as he moved to the opposite side of the table. A smile graced my face as I looked at him.
"Nobody has ever done anything like this for me. You've just overwhelmed me … thank you."
From the look in his eyes I could see that he knew something was wrong but I didn't want to talk about it, so he smiled back and didn't press the issue. "Well, if I had my way I'd be doing it for you every day." I blushed again.
After eating my fill I sat back, closed my eyes and let the sun shine on me. I could feel Steven watching me but couldn't bring myself to open my eyes and return the stare. "You're a great cook - that was the best breakfast I've had, ever!" He laughed at me.
"Great. That's one for me!"
I smiled and slowly felt myself dropping off to sleep in the heat.
"Listen, there's something that I've been wanting to ask you about," he said, sounding serious. Again, I purposely avoided his eye contact, fearful of what he was about to ask me.
"What?"
I heard him sigh. "Where are your parents?" That brought my eyes wide open and to his attention. He looked stunned and I realised my face had just turned very cold and very hateful. I didn't reply and he pressed further. "You never talk about them. The only time I've heard anything of them was when Craig and you were arguing that day in..."
I stopped him. "It really isn't important where they are."
He sighed again. "Well, I think it is very important!"
"Why?" I asked, knowing I may have appeared to have felt angry at him, but didn't bother to correct it at that moment. We stared at each other intently as I tried to calm down, and leaned in to take his hand.
"Look, I get that you look up to your parents - so do I! But my parents are not like yours, and I have no desire to speak with them."
"I'd really like to talk to them," he said and I shook my head. "It's really important to me. I need to talk to your father." Now I was really confused. I asked why. "I can't tell you that."
"Then don't bring the subject up again. I don't want to talk about them."
Total Freedom (Total Freedom Series Book 1) Page 8