Total Freedom (Total Freedom Series Book 1)

by Ann M Pratley

  "Okay, but if I tell you, will you promise not to tell Craig?" I hated to, but I did. "It's not anything to do with sex before marriage, or anything like that." She paused. "A few years ago I got involved with a man and I became pregnant to him. I had to have an abortion - there was no way I could keep a child then."

  Now I was dumbfounded. "Wait. You can't have sex because you've had an abortion?" I was downright confused.

  "No!" Now Andrea was sounding angry and frustrated. "I'm really scared of getting pregnant. I couldn't go through that again."

  "But what about birth control? Aren't you on the pill or something?"

  "My doctor took me off it a long time ago and said my body just wouldn't accept any form of birth control being artificially added into it - no contraceptive pill or anything else!"

  "Well, what about condoms then?"

  She paused again then. "Well, that would be okay, but …" I had to ask for the rest of the sentence. "But Craig hasn't offered to use them and I couldn't ask him!"

  Now I'd heard everything. "Andrea, are you telling me you and Craig have been seeing each other for a year, arguing about having sex or not having sex, and you haven't brought up birth control? You haven't told him about your fear at all?"

  She mumbled, "I couldn't."

  "Well, how about giving Craig the benefit of the doubt, huh? I can understand you finding it hard to tell him you've been pregnant before. But if you can't discuss private things like that with your partner, what sort of relationship can you expect to have? He's not a sex maniac, he just has been finding it hard to see you when you haven't really given him an explanation. Imagine how shattered his ego and self-esteem must be."

  She started to cry again. "I know. That's why I want to apologise to him."

  "Okay, if I ask Craig to come and see you, will you please tell him, at least, that you are not on the pill and you are scared of getting pregnant?" There was silence for a moment but she then agreed.

  "You do want him back, don’t you?" I asked and I could almost hear her smile down the phone.

  "Of course I do."

  Before I returned to the living room there was one thing that I needed to give Craig before I sent him on his way - condoms! When I went out the guys were happily doing the dishes but Craig came up to me. "Is there anything I should know about?"

  "Actually, yes. There is something I'd like you to do," I said and he questioned me. Turning so Steven was out of view, I discreetly placed the packet into Craig's hands. "Take this and go over and talk to Andrea." He started to question me. "Don't ask. Just please trust me. I want to see you happy. I think you two do have some more talking to do."

  He grabbed his coat and leaned down to kiss my cheek at the door. "Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow and tell you how things go, okay?" I smiled and watched him leave. I really wanted Craig to be happy in love. Why did he keep meeting all these obstacles?

  "What was that all about?" I heard Steven call from the kitchen and I went to continue where our previous dishwasher had left off.

  "Oh, nothing."

  Steven came up beside me and pulled me down to his lap and I kissed him while I grabbed a handful of soap suds and dumped it down his back. Before he could get me I was off his lap and out of the kitchen laughing. "Ha ha, got you back!"

  * * * *

  From work the next day I phoned Craig, not being able to wait to hear if he was now happier. When he heard my voice he laughed. "I was going to phone you, you know."

  I asked if everything was okay and he answered happily but not over-excited.

  "Yes, we're back together and have talked a lot of our differences out. I think this time it's going to work, Debs."

  There was something in Craig's voice that said everything was not okay but I didn't push him. "Well, then, that is great."

  Chapter 23

  Another two months down the line I had to finish work and for four weeks Steven and I experienced what it was like to really live in each other's pockets, so to speak. It was the hardest time to get through for me because I wanted everything to be perfect before our baby arrived, but nothing did seem perfect. Steven and I stuck together, stronger than ever though, and soon forgot the disagreements we'd have.

  Nine months to the day after our wedding, Christine Alice Chalmers was born. I don't know what the doctors thought when I said I wanted Steven and Craig in the delivery room, but after arguing for what I wanted, I conceded defeat and gave up, and Craig had to wait outside.

  For a moment when the nurse first placed my daughter in my arms, I started to feel panic. Was I too young for this kind of responsibility? When I felt Steven's hand brush across my hair, and I turned to look at him, I knew the joy - and terror - all mothers might feel in that moment. This was our child - a part of me and a part of Steven. And I would never treat Christine the way my mother treated me when I was growing up. I would always be there for her. That was what I wanted - and that was how I honestly thought things would go.

  * * * *

  During the six months that followed I experienced what the doctors told me was called post-natal depression. It seemed that whenever Steven entered the room I wanted to leave, and soon I had to move out of our bedroom completely, for the thought of him touching me started to scare me.

  Finally I had to get a nurse in to keep my household running smoothly while I could be in my own space if I needed. She was also there for me to speak to but I wanted to speak to no-one - not Steven, not even Craig.

  Another three months later I knew none of this was doing me or my family any good. And there was only one thing that might get my adrenaline running again.

  Craig was surprised and relieved when I called in to see him. Before we said anything he pulled me into his arms and all floodgates let loose - I cried uncontrollably. We sat on the sofa holding each other for at least half an hour as I bawled, until I could weep no more.

  When I looked into Craig's eyes and saw he was also crying, I smiled. It was sort of an eerie feeling - that was the moment I realised just how depressed I had been.

  Through his tears Craig tried to smile back. "I feel so helpless, Deb. I wish I could do something for you."

  Taking his hand tightly in mine, I sat back in the sofa and took a deep breath. "I don't know what it is. All I've felt since Christine was born is like I have nothing to work for … nothing to live for! And all this time I've let my entire life go to nothing."

  I paused, trying to find the words to describe how I'd been feeling. "I don't want to be like this. I want to feel alive again, not numb." I looked at him and saw tears still flowing. "I thought if anything could make me feel better, it would be singing with you."

  My hand was lifted to Craig's lips. "Do you want me to invite the guys over now?" he asked and I shook my head.

  "I was thinking more of getting the band back together and playing gigs again. We've missed so much time already. Here," I said, handing him a bundle of pages.

  "What are these?" he asked and I urged him to open them up. The look on his face as he read the pages grew from shock to impressiveness and finally he raised his head to look at me. "You've been writing songs?"

  I nodded. "I have spent a lot of time on the beach over the last nine months and these are just some of the thoughts that went through my head. Do you like them?" The concern on his face concerned me. Maybe they were no good.

  A sigh of relief left my lips as a smile graced Craig's face and he said, "But there's enough material here to do an album!" Then he laughed and I felt a great weight lift as I joined him and we hugged.

  "Are you sure that you're okay to go through with this? If you’re feeling this good it might be a good time to spend with your family."

  I nodded. "I know Steven has put up with a lot from me. We haven't slept in the same bed for months, and I haven't even talked to him most days. I'm so lucky to have him, and you - people who stand by me, no matter what." I paused a moment. "But I really need to sing again … I need it to keep me goin
g." He nodded and I knew he understood exactly what I meant.

  Craig offered to give me a lift home but there was something I really liked about public transport - it helps my chain of thinking. And right now I had to decide how to turn my life at home around again so that all would be okay.

  Walking into the living room I saw Missy, the nurse, attending to Christine, and I stopped still for a moment. "Where is Steven?" I asked and she explained he was asleep. "Missy, can we talk? I really need some advice." She smiled at me as if she knew I was getting back on track.

  "Of course. I'm just going to feed Christine and put her to bed. Why don't we go into the kitchen?"

  We got comfortable at the small table in the kitchen and I found I was lost for words. "Would you like to hold your daughter?" she asked and placed the small baby in my arms. It was the first time I actually felt comfortable holding Christine. And she looked right into my eyes, like she knew I was her mother and she understood my difficulties at the time.

  "I think that I need to go back to work. And I have to sing again," I said as she sat down and handed me a bottle. "I just feel like I'm losing touch with everything I love. I don't want to do that."

  Missy looked at me sincerely. "I understand how you feel, and I fully agree that it would be good for you."

  She paused and I asked what she was unsure about.

  "Well, if you want your life back the way it was before you got pregnant, that's fine - but don't forget that you have had Christine and you have to fit her into your life also."

  "So what are you suggesting?" I asked.

  "This is something you and Steven need to discuss together. If you decide to go back to work, I can stay if you need me. But it might be a good idea to wait until you and Steven are really confident at looking after this little one together, without my help, before you return to work." I nodded at her. "You could start by putting Christine down in her bed."

  We went into the room, where I gently lay her down and tucked her in. My emotions were in turmoil, feeling horrified at having rejected this little person, but at the same time feeling excruciatingly scared of doing something wrong. How could I have ignored this adorable little baby?

  After sitting out in the living room and having a long talk, Missy turned to me. "We could try a trial period - a week would be long enough. If you do need me in that time you can call me. Are you and Steven communicating well enough to work together at the moment, Debbie?" I hesitated and she started to apologise for asking. I stopped her.

  "Steven and I do have to sit down and talk but I'm sure we'll be fine." She stood up.

  "Well, I will be on my way then. Just call me day or night if you need help. I want to help if I can."

  When the door closed behind her I looked around my home. It was immaculate - yet I had contributed nothing to its cleanliness for nine long months. And more importantly, I had rejected my daughter and my husband.

  I walked into Christine's room once more and sat to just look at her. I knew that she now slept soundly through the night but for a second I panicked at the thought of going out of the room without knowing Missy would be there. "Relax," I told myself. "She'll be fine."

  It was still early but I felt exhausted, as I had done for most of the preceding months, and I decided to go to bed. Before heading for the stairs that would lead me to my present haven on the upper floor, I stopped at the door to the bedroom on the lower floor - the bedroom Steven and I had previously shared. The door was closed so I quietly opened it and stood looking at the little boy lying on the bed. How strong Steven must be emotionally, I thought, to be dealing with a new child and, in a way, losing a wife.

  He stirred and turned to look at me, seeming uncertain of how to react toward me, and scared of scaring me.

  I smiled and quietly whispered, "Hi," and he returned the sentiment.

  After looking at each other for a moment, Steven took a deep breath. "Debbie, you don't have to be a stranger in our bedroom. I'm not going to hurt you."

  Slowly I walked in and sat down beside him. Then I let myself melt into his arms. "I know you're not."

  We sat in silence, this being the closest we'd been for months, and not wanting to break the moment.

  I tried to hide the tears in my eyes, but Steven turned me to face him and I saw he also was crying.

  He leaned in to kiss me softly and soon his kisses were fierce. He pulled away quickly and when I opened my eyes I saw shock on his face. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to rush. I just miss you…" I cut him off. That beautiful turned on and full of life feeling had returned and I didn't want it to stop.

  We kissed and kissed, breaking apart only for myself to remove my shoes and climb, fully clothed, into bed beside Steven. We didn't touch, only kissed and held each other.

  * * * *

  When I awoke I was alone with the sun streaming through the blinds. It was a moment to think - was I completely okay now? Or was this 'up' going to turn into a 'down' at any time? As I was deep in thought, the bedroom door opened and Steven came in with Christine in his arm.

  "Have we lost our nurse?" he asked, concerned.

  "I talked to her yesterday and she thought it would be a good idea for us to see how we can deal with Christine together, by ourselves."

  He nodded as he stopped by the bed. Unsure as I had been the first day, I took Christine in my arms as Steven climbed back into bed. When I really looked at him I was astounded by his physique.

  "Steven, have you been using weights or something?" I asked and he looked surprised.

  "Why?"

  I shrugged and tried to dismiss the idea. "I guess I just forgot how beautiful you really are." He smiled and kissed me. I thought that I'd never wanted Steven so bad.

  He sat back and watched Christine and me thoughtfully. "I think we'll have problems with her when she's a teenager," he said and I questioned him. "Because," he answered, "she is as beautiful as you are. And that means she'll have loads of boys chasing after her."

  I smiled and then the same thought hit me that had the moment Christine had come into my arms just minutes before. "I don't think she's comfortable with me. Maybe I've already done damage to our relationship."

  Looking into his eyes I saw he was seriously thinking about what I said. "Well, I think maybe you have that backwards. Look, she's fine with you. She knows you're her mum. Don't worry if you feel odd with her now - I did, too, the first few months. But she is a part of you, and a part of me, and we are going to be a fantastic family."

  We kissed a little bit and I looked at him and sighed. "I guess now we have to start being careful when we want to make love. No more simply acting on urges, huh?" I said and he looked seriously at me.

  "Do you want to make love?"

  Now it was my turn to be dumbfounded. What was I to say?

  Just then Christine made a dash for the edge of the bed and I was broken out of my trance just in time to catch her. I hadn't even noticed my daughter was crawling - almost walking.

  I climbed out of bed and took Christine back to her room. Coming back into the bedroom I said nothing except, "Yes, I want to be with you … more than anything." With that we rushed to make each other feel the best we could, ending up breathless.

  I sat astride Steven and we hugged, neither of us wanting to move. "I know I have been the cause of us being apart, Steven, but I have missed you, and I don't ever want us to lose this closeness again. I love you so much," I said and we kissed again.

  I had to pull away. "Come on, we have to get up and start being parents."

  Chapter 24

  For the next week ... I don't know ... I guess we just clicked into finally being a family. Steven and I both did nothing all week except concentrate on together getting to know Christine as well as we could.

  One day we sat down and for the first time I brought up the subject of returning to work and singing. Steven's face went blank. "You don't want me to?"

  He took my hand and kissed it. "I want you to be happy and I know
you miss singing. I just wish there was some way we could both fit our careers in and be a family. If you do both then you're never going to be here, but when you are I'll have to write because I can't write if I look after Christine by myself." He looked at me, confused.

  "Well, we have to do something. I can go typing for, say, three days a week, and you can write for the other four, huh?" I asked and he nodded.

  "Yes, we do need the money."

  I hugged him. "We're going to work this out, you will see. And if it gets too much, I'll give up my day job. The band earns enough for us to live off anyway."

  I smiled and kissed Steven long and hard. I had to be the happiest and luckiest woman in the world.

  Within a couple of weeks all was running smoothly again. We were playing at our local again and my boss had agreed to me working three day weeks.

  Craig came up to me one night before a gig and hugged me so hard I laughed.

  "You have gotten us our second album," he said and I gaped at him. "I'm serious. The record company is ready for us to go into the studio. All we need to do is get some practice in."

  I shrieked in delight.

  * * * *

  It took two whole weeks of my spare time to get the album done and by the last day I knew Steven was getting worn out from being the only parent.

  When I arrived home that afternoon he was asleep on the sofa with Christine in his arms, also asleep. Gently I drew her out and put her in her cot. When I returned to Steven to put a blanket over him, he slowly opened his eyes.

  "Hey gorgeous," I whispered and he pulled me to him to kiss me sleepily.

  "Did you get it finished?" he asked and I nodded.

  He smiled. "My wife - a superstar." He laughed and I playfully punched him.

  "Why don't you get some writing in while there's peace?" I suggested and he answered with his cheeky smile.