Like There's No Tomorrow

by Linnea Valle

  Eddie was ecstatic Sarah had decided to stay. Watching Sarah and my brother together, I was glad she stayed too. They were the cutest couple, always touching, laughing, and exchanging knowing smiles. Despite the weight he must be carrying around, Sarah seemed to lift Eddie up. He was happy.

  I hadn’t heard a word from Zach since the morning after I freaked out. I heard Eddie talking to him a couple of times, but he didn’t come around. I was sure he was avoiding seeing me, especially after the finality of his phone call.

  “Emma, Zach thinks he’s protecting you. He thinks he’s doing the right thing,” Eddie told me when he caught me sitting alone on my bed the day after Thanksgiving. I was wearing Zach’s coat, although the house was warm. I was absentmindedly rubbing my fingers over the raised wool letters stitched on the jacket. I needed to start to get ready for a date with Jason, but I had no energy, my body didn’t want to move. Lead weights had taken over my limbs.

  “That makes sense, Emma,” Sarah agreed. “He’s always there, taking care of you, when you need it. Maybe he thinks he’s being noble. It’s stupid and he’s wrong, but who knows how his mind is working right now. He’s dealing with the news of being deployed just like we are.”

  “Yeah, Emma. He’s not dealing with it that great because his mom’s pretty upset. Don’t blame him if he handles it different than we do,” Eddie reiterated Sarah’s thoughts.

  I wasn’t quite sure what Zach thought he was protecting me from, except maybe from my own stupidity. I needed to learn to be content with the fact Zach and I may care deeply for each other, but we’d never be together. We couldn’t fix our problems if he wouldn’t let me in.

  Being home with Eddie for the last few days had been wonderful and he made me feel a little less apprehensive about his deployment. The thought that we wouldn’t get to see each other for at least a year tore an extra hole in my heart. It would be so easy to allow myself to wallow in my pity. I didn’t, instead I was planning on going out.

  Sarah and I would write and Eddie promised us he’d try to call and video chat with us as often as possible. I was pretty sure that when he returned, he and Sarah would get married. Their love for each other was obvious.

  Sarah and I had the week following Thanksgiving off as it was the end of the term. We’d be home until the day before Eddie shipped out. I didn’t think I’d see any more of Zach while we were home. I’d like to say I was fine with that, but really, I wasn’t. No matter how much it hurt, I wanted to see him, touch him, kiss him and be in his arms just one more time before deployment. Especially when I watched Eddie and Sarah and the bond they were forming by being there for each other. I wore Zach’s jacket all the time. It was a comfort to me and yet a sad reminder. I was heartbroken, but I realized I always knew it would end this way.

  Jason had called on Friday morning and we planned to go to the movies. He kissed me when he dropped me off, but unfortunately it didn’t spark anything in me. I was trying to move on and Jason was a great guy. I wished I could learn to care for him. When he kissed me, there was no urgency, no heat coiling in my belly and no desire to continue kissing him. Not like when Zach kissed me, I felt like he was my source of oxygen and not kissing him would kill me. Why couldn’t I feel that for Jason? I knew the answer was that I wasn’t in love with Jason. How long would it take me to purge Zach from my system. Would I ever be able to?

  It was Saturday afternoon and we were hanging out at the burger shop where Eddie and I used to work, visiting with a whole group of friends from high school. Jason was flirting with me despite what I felt was a disastrous movie and kiss last night.

  “You really look great today, Emma. I was hoping we’d be able to have a repeat of our date from last night.” Jason smiled, leaning his arms across the table, and reached out to pluck my hand into his.

  I was distracted when Eddie’s cell phone rang, pulling my hand away as I straightened to listen to Eddie’s call. My heart automatically raced at the thought that it might be Zach. Eddie frowned when he looked at his caller ID and mouthed to me “Charlie.” Eddie connected the call. I could tell by the look on his face, something was seriously wrong within seconds after answering.

  “Charlie?” Eddie asked warily. His face blanched and I saw his eyes widen as he listened to Charlie for barely a minute. “Yeah, we’re on our way,” Eddie said as he hung up. His brow furrowed and he glanced around at the people sitting at the table. Looking frantically, until his gaze landed on Jason, before swinging up to Sarah and me.

  “We’ve got to go, NOW,” Eddie said. “Emma, something happened to mom, they took her to the hospital. Charlie wants us to meet him there right now. It’s not good by the sound of Charlie’s voice. Jason, would you take us? Like right now?” I didn’t like the urgency I heard in Eddie’s voice. He was usually not one to get flustered, and he was. My stomach leapt into my throat and threatened to turn inside out. A little lightheadedness started to overtake me, but I pushed past the feeling.

  “Yeah, sure. Let’s go,” Jason said. The four of us stood up from our table. I slipped on Zach’s coat and we headed outside right when Zach pulled up in his car. I was wearing his jacket, but I was too worried about mom to get embarrassed. Eddie spotted Zach before we got to Jason’s truck and yelled out to him.

  “Hey, meet us at the hospital.” I was relieved and concerned all at the same time.

  “Okay, what’s going on?” Zach called back as he was half out of his car and half inside of it.

  “Don’t know yet, its mom, but it doesn’t sound good,” Eddie tossed over his shoulder before he climbed in Jason’s truck and pulled Sarah onto his lap, me stuck in the middle. Jason revved the engine, ready to take off. Which we did as soon as the passenger door closed. It only took us about ten minutes to get to the hospital. Jason took us directly to the Emergency entrance and dropped us off.

  “Hey, Emma, let me know, okay?” Jason asked as we all slid out of his truck.

  “Um, sure, Jace. Thanks for the ride,” I said absentmindedly. I looked around and saw Zach’s car pull into the parking area as he searched for an open spot. Eddie grabbed me by the arm and all three of us headed inside. Eddie had completely taken control of the situation and I could see a very assertive side I hadn’t seen before the Army got a hold of him. He walked right up to the window with the registration clerk behind it and spoke to her in hushed tones while Sarah and I hung back, arms around each other for support.

  Eddie turned around and told us, “Charlie will be right out to talk to us,” he stated right as Zach ran through the doors and came to a skidding halt behind Sarah and me. His presence overwhelmed me. With the sense of urgency and the smell of the sterile hospital environment, again, my stomach was ready to revolt. I fought to keep my burger, fries, and soda from making a reappearance. I desperately did not want to get sick, so I took a few deep breaths and gave Sarah a squeeze to let her know I needed extra support from her.

  “Did they say what’s going on, Eddie?” I asked. He shook his head no, but had a very bleak look on his face.

  Charlie walked through the automatic doors leading from the treatment area of the Emergency Room to the waiting area where we gathered. I barely recognized him. He looked like he’d aged fifteen years, and the look on his face said it all. I rushed into Eddie’s arms and squeezed so tight he had to tug at my arms to ease up enough to allow him to breathe. Charlie hung his head and slowly shook it from side to side. A completely bewildered look was in his eyes. Oh, my God, mom was gone. The realization hit both Eddie and me at the same time; my knees buckled beneath me. I started to gasp for breath, but none was getting into my lungs.

  Eddie had been holding me up, and in an instant, Zach was there to take over. He lifted me and tried to separate me from Eddie. I hung on, Eddie was my life line. Eddie gave Zach a nod and pried my hands loose. I was helpless to stop it. Zach took me over to a row of fabric upholstered office chairs and set me down in one, wrapped his arms around me and gently rocked me, all while he w
hispered into my hair.

  I looked up and Sarah was at Eddie’s side while Eddie talked to Charlie. I wanted to hear what they were saying. I wanted to know what happened. I wouldn’t believe it until I heard the actual words.

  I tried to stand, but Zach had a tight hold on me which was a good thing, because the second I tried to put any weight on my legs, they gave out and I was right back in the chair.

  “Em, honey, wait here for a minute until you get your bearings. Then we’ll go find out what’s going on,” Zach said trying to soothe me. I knew he was trying, but it wasn’t working. Why did he care? I knew it wasn’t a fair question and I admonished myself for it. I had so many thoughts swirling in the forefront of my mind with the news of mom, but underneath that, I was hurt Zach had put an end to any possibility of an “us.” At the same time, I couldn’t imagine being anywhere other than in his arms at a time like this. Lord, help me, I needed this man. I needed him to hold me and take care of me. I needed him to give me his love and in return I would give him my soul, my everything.

  I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. Charlie, Eddie, and Sarah were coming over to me. I tried to stand on shaky legs, Zach helped me, and he held me straight and firm. Ready to face what was coming.

  Charlie cleared his throat and I could hear a catch in his voice when he started to speak. “Emma, there was nothing I could do.” The pain in Charlie’s voice brought a new wave of lightheadedness. I had never heard Charlie like this before. He was always jovial and easygoing. Always had a slight lilt to his speech. This was the absolute darkest I had ever heard his voice. This voice came from a personal hell no one else could understand. From a place of such deep sorrow it sucked everyone within reach into its depths. “I called 911 as soon as I walked in the door for lunch. The doctor said it wouldn’t have mattered even if I’d been there.” A sob tore from the back of his throat and he clamped his hand down hard over his mouth.

  I took the couple of steps which separated us and I wrapped Charlie in a hug. He hung on to me for dear life. Eddie joined us in a three-way hug. All three of us quietly cried for what we’d lost in our lives. For Eddie and me, a mother. The woman who carried us and gave birth to us. She wasn’t always a good mom, but we knew she loved us. Eddie and I had often talked about how hard it must have been to raise us alone. Having to deal with the stigma of being a young woman with twins, the father having abandoned them. Her parents kicked her out of the house and she had no support system at all in our small town. We knew she did the best she could with what she had.

  Charlie, on the other hand, lost the love of his life, the woman he’d planned on retiring with and growing old with. Charlie brought out the best in mom and I believed mom brought out the best in Charlie too. He was now without his life partner. It made me think of my loss of Zach, although horribly painful, it was nothing compared to what poor Charlie was feeling. They had been married for seven years and they were happy. That was the irony in life, wasn’t it? The things which made you the happiest were also the things ripped from your grasp. It made a person take stock and appreciate what they had.

  “Do they know what happened? Was it a heart attack or what?” I asked.

  “The doctor said they will be doing an autopsy, it’ll be required, but he thinks it may have been either a heart attack or some sort of an aneurysm. Remember she’d been tired and having heartburn? Those may have been early signs. The doctor said even if she would have gone in, the docs probably would have assumed it was heartburn too. Even if they would have done an EKG and blood tests to check her heart, if it was an aneurysm, the tests wouldn’t have shown anything. The paramedics and the doctor all said it didn’t appear she suffered. She probably didn’t even know anything happened.”

  How were we supposed to feel? What were we supposed say to each other? I’d never had an experience with death before. About the only thing I could think was that I couldn’t feel my toes. What an odd thing to think. We shed our tears, as we also stood around in shock, clueless what to say or do.

  The next few days went by in a blur. Friends and neighbors stopped by the house. Some brought food, some with flowers and others simply offered their sympathy. I was so glad Sarah was there throughout all of it with us. She was a tremendous help and a source of strength for both Eddie and me. Jason had stopped by a few times and Zach had been hanging around a lot. His mom spent a couple hours each day at the house. She took Eddie and me aside one time and told us how much she loved us and instructed us to call her if we ever needed anything. She’d always been a second mom to us. I suppose now she felt it was her duty to step up to fill the shoes our mother left. She was always such a loving, giving woman.

  When Zach was at the house, he had lurked in the shadows, looking helpless. The few times he’d been here when Jason had come by, he made it known he was there. He watched, ready to pounce. It felt very territorial even though he had no right to be. I wanted to tell him he owed us nothing and ask him to leave. I knew he was there for Eddie, not me. Had it always been that way?

  The autopsy results returned and it was an aneurysm after all, not the normal kind, but one higher up in her chest, closer to the heart and it gave out. They called it a thoracic aortic aneurysm. Once the autopsy was complete, she went to the funeral home. They asked me if I wanted to see her and the idea of looking at the dead, lifeless body of my mom was revolting. Eddie didn’t want to either, but poor Charlie did.

  He was like a zombie from the time we met him in the ER a few days earlier. He wouldn’t eat despite being encouraged to. None of us quite knew how to react. Charlie bought side-by-side plots where he and mom would be buried together some day. It seemed to comfort Charlie a little, I still vaguely heard him cry late at night.

  Wednesday, the day of her service. The day we buried our mother, the weather was bleak and grey and threatened to rain. It was cold and obviously no one wanted to be there. Least of all Charlie. I felt worse for Charlie than anyone else. I didn’t know what he would do after Eddie and I left. The service was simple, quick and then we all headed back to the house afterward followed by about half of the people who had attended. Everyone brought some food. I was nauseated by the sight of food ever since the ER.

  I looked around and it seemed ludicrous. People milled around, eating when we had our loved one interred just an hour before. Maybe if mom had requested a wake, I supposed it wouldn’t have felt so sad and final. People stood in small groups making small talk in hushed tones and glanced at Charlie, Eddie, or me every so often. I wanted everyone to leave so I could go lie down. I was so tired. The last four days had been long and stressful.

  As though he read my thoughts, Zach appeared out of nowhere.

  “Em, you look beat, why don’t you go to your room and rest for a bit.”

  I hadn’t been avoiding him, but didn’t go out of my way to be near him either. I honestly didn’t know what I felt when it came to Zach anymore. I still loved him. I would always love him, but I also didn’t want to hold out hope for something he’d made clear would never happen.

  “Do you think anyone would notice, or care?” I asked Zach, thinking about how good it would feel to get away from all of it for an hour or so.

  “I’ll go tell Eddie, Sarah, and Charlie, they’ll understand. You go,” Zach’s tone was firm with me on his last statement, it left no room for argument. I didn’t want to argue. I turned and silently made my way through the crowded living room, headed down the hall to my room. Zach turned the opposite direction and headed over to where Eddie and Sarah were being polite, talking with a few people from mom’s work. I saw him lean over to talk to Eddie as I disappeared around the corner and slipped down the hallway. I opened the door and the familiarity of the room comforted me.

  I closed the door and kicked off my shoes, then padded my way over to my bed. I took off my dress and slid between the cold sheets still wearing my underwear and bra. I lay with my hands between my head and the pillow. As tired as I was, I couldn’t seem to let my
eyes close and I stared off into space, seeing nothing.

  I heard the door open and close. I assumed it was Eddie or Sarah coming to check on me, so I didn’t bother to look up. Then, a heavy weight sunk onto the edge of the bed and I knew Zach followed me in here. I couldn’t imagine what he wanted and I didn’t have the energy, I continued staring off into the void.

  “Close your eyes, Emma,” Zach’s voice hummed in my head.

  It bounced around the emptiness and his hand moved to my hair. I had worn it up due to the weather; it would have been a frizzy mess. Zach removed the clip from my hair and ruffled it a little to loosen it. He then started stroking it. Who was this man? Why did I allow him such control over me? I was powerless to stop him and what’s worse was I didn’t want to. I wanted his comfort and his touch. He was infuriating; he broke my heart, and melted it all at the same time. His voice continued, but I wasn’t listening to the words, only the sounds he made. He may not have said it, but right then, I knew he cared for me. I heard it in his voice. His heart spoke to my heart.

  My eyes drifted shut as his soft lullaby continued in my head. Right before I fell asleep with Zach sitting next to me, his hand in my hair and his song in my heart, my own groggy voice whispered to him. “Zach, promise me you’ll keep Eddie safe,” his murmurs confirmed he would keep the promise I asked of him.

  “I’ll love you forever.” I wondered, as I drifted farther into sleep, if I had said it out loud? I couldn’t remember if it happened before losing consciousness or not. When I woke in the morning my brain was fuzzy. I dreamt that before he left Zach had kissed me lightly on the forehead and told me to wait for him.

  No one mentioned my accidental confession, making me think I had dreamt it. Zach didn’t call and I had no contact with him despite my intentions to talk to him over break.