Like There's No Tomorrow

by Linnea Valle

Sarah and I got into a regular routine at school and helped each other cope with Eddie’s absence. Time flew with the knowledge that his unit was going to ship out soon.

  I was physically ill every time I thought about Eddie leaving. Sarah felt the same way, although she was the stronger of the two of us. There were so many times I wanted to give up. I wanted to crawl into bed and not get back out. Thankfully, Sarah was there to hold my hand and help me find the strength I needed to move forward.

  The phone rang, signaling a video call the night before he left for Afghanistan. “Eddie.” Sarah and I were sitting so close we were nearly hugging each other during the call.

  “What time do you report in the morning? Are you nervous? How long will it take you to get to your new post? What is the time difference?” We rapid fired questions at him without giving him time to answer.

  “Whoa, Emma, Sarah, slow down,” Eddie laughed. He looked good, relaxed despite the fact he would be boarding a transport in the morning headed for a war zone.

  Sarah spoke, “Eddie, how long until you have an address for us to write to you? Do you think you’ll be able to video call with us from over there?” She smiled and tried to show him a brave face.

  “Sarah, all I want to do is tell you and Emma how much I love both of you,” Eddie said as he leaned closer to his smartphone. His handsome face took up the whole screen. “I’m gonna take care of you guys while I’m gone. I’ve requested my pay be direct-deposited to your account, Emma. When I get back, I’m going to make it up to you for all the time away. I just want to look at my two girls and see your beautiful faces,” Eddie told us with more than a little pride that he and Zach had both been made gunners, they would be manning the huge gun on the outlook of a Humvee. He reassured us and seemed almost excited about going.

  Eddie and Zach shipped out for Afghanistan on a Tuesday in late February. It was a gloomy day, matching the way we felt. I had hoped Zach would contact me before he left. Maybe for Valentine’s Day? But, the day passed with only Eddie’s call to Sarah. I never did hear from Zach. Even Eddie stopped making excuses for him.

  Neither of us dated. Eddie was Sarah’s one true love. I just didn’t know anymore, but I had no interest in dating. We spent lots of time at the library, we were in a few study groups and went and ate at our favorite burger joint when we felt we could afford it.

  Eddie called me after he’d been overseas for a couple of months. He had concern in his voice and I knew he wanted to talk just to me this call. “How are you doing Emma?”

  “I’m doing okay, hanging in there. I think I’ll make it through the end of the school year,” I laughed for Eddie’s sake. In truth, I wasn’t so sure. I was tired, physically and emotionally. I had taken one less class this term, but I didn’t want to admit to Eddie that I couldn’t handle a full schedule.

  “Have you and Sarah been getting my direct deposits?” he asked, still with the worry in his voice.

  “Yes, Eddie, we have. I can’t tell you how much it means to us, how much it’s helping.” I got a little choked up thinking about it. “Thank you.”

  “Okay, I just wanted to make sure that things were set up correctly. I don’t really need it right now, and you and Sarah do, so it only made sense. I need to take care of my girls. Hey, I gotta go. But, I really wanted to hear your voice, Em. I need to know you’re alright. I hate being away from you,” Eddie’s voice had quieted and I could hear the emotion in it.

  “I know, I love you too. I need to hear your voice sometimes too, Eddie. I miss you so much.” I was glad Eddie had to end the call before he could hear in my voice how much I needed him here with me.

  That spring, Charlie visited a few times and always brought some extra money and groceries for us. It was a bittersweet time spent with Charlie. He wasn’t my dad, but I cared for him. I enjoyed his visits, at the same time, he reminded me how fragile life was and that we were never guaranteed a tomorrow.

  “Hey Charlie, the dealership give you a couple of days off in a row?” I asked the last time he showed up, unannounced. Not that I was complaining.

  “Yeah, I had a little extra cash this month and thought y’all could use a bit of help.” He unloaded some groceries and some clothes.

  “Got these real cheap and I figure you can always use extra.” I followed Charlie back into the apartment and watched him put things away.

  “You look good Emma. How’s school going?” he inquired as he straightened up, stretching his back after his drive.

  “Everything is going great, Charlie. Thank you for buying all this stuff. You know you didn’t have to, but we’ll gladly accept the help.” I gave Charlie a pat on the arm, he wasn’t a hugger. I always felt like I needed to paint a rosy picture for him since mom’s death. I think Charlie was lonely. I know he felt responsible for me after mom died and he was doing his best.

  For the next few months, I concentrated on what I needed to do. I needed to get through this time without Eddie and work on my schooling. Sarah wasn’t into school, so she quit after spring break. College wasn’t for her. With Sarah’s income and what Eddie was sending, we moved out of the dorms when Sarah quit school. We got a decent apartment. Sarah and I made a great team. She was always there for me and vice versa.

  “You know, Sarah, I’ve been thinking, when Eddie gets back, you ought to move to wherever he is stationed and live with him. He’s been hinting about it for a month now,” I mentioned one day.

  “Yeah, we’ve talked about it. My main concern is you. I can’t just abandon you, Emma. We’re a team,” she complained.

  “Sarah, you and Eddie belong together, I’m sure I’ll be just fine. I have three more years or more to go before I graduate, but you don’t have anything tying you to me.”

  “I’ll think about it and after Eddie gets home, we’ll talk with him about it.” I saw the sparkle in her eyes at the thought of her and Eddie, and the perfect life they would live.

  Eddie and Zach had been overseas over three months. The school year was ending. I didn’t have anything to go home to and planned to stay in our apartment. Life was complicated without Eddie. Even something as simple as where we should live for the summer was a major decision.

  Sarah was working full-time. The town cleared out a lot after the term ended and summer classes started. I stopped working for the summer since that wasn’t part of my work-study program. I was reliant solely upon Eddie, Charlie, and Sarah’s help for the summer months. I stayed busy and Mrs. Peters, Carol, came to visit often.

  Carol and I talked a lot, mother-daughter type stuff. She knew how difficult this time was for me with Zach cutting me out of his life and she agreed Zach needed to make the first move to building a real relationship with me.

  “Zach has a lot of growing up to do, Emily. I’m on your side with this one. I won’t tell a grown man what he can do, but I can hint,” Carol said slyly. “I’ll be making sure that Zach knows what I think he should be doing.”

  Eddie was upbeat when he called the end of June, “I can’t wait to get back to the States. This place is hot as hell and I always feel dirty and dried out. I figure we’re over half way done here. I’m thinking hopefully just another couple months before our deployment is over. Hang in there. It won’t be long. Then, we can all be together wherever I end up being stationed.”

  The year would have been hard enough if it had been perfect. But, I had extra stressors. Pressure with Zach and the fact he hadn’t spoken to me. The way things were left between us was a constant source of pain and stress. Mom’s unexpected death, Eddie and Zach heading into a war zone, and moving during Spring Break all compounded my stress. Much of my life felt out of my control that year.

  Sarah was visiting her family for a few days when I received the notification about Eddie. As soon as Charlie had arrived at the apartment and the Army left for the night, I had to make the call to Sarah. It was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. I decided a video chat was the only way.

  “Sarah,” I sobbed. “I�
�”

  “Oh my God, Emma, what’s wrong?” Sarah’s face quickly morphed into that of panic and pain.

  “Sarah, there’s no easy way for me to say it. Oh, Sarah.” I broke down. I couldn’t say it. Grief ripped through me, I covered my mouth to keep the shriek trying to escape.

  “Emma,” Sarah almost screeched. “What? Tell me.”

  Charlie appeared beside me, wrapping me in his embrace and with a ghostly look on his face. I could see both of us in the tiny corner of the computer screen. I couldn’t look at Sarah’s face as my tears began again.

  “Sarah, it’s Eddie,” Charlie said. He took over where I failed. “It was a car bomb. Um, he didn’t make it, Sarah. I’m so sorry to have to say this.” Charlie’s voice rasped with the emotions he was feeling and the pain he knew he was causing Sarah.

  She screamed, she cursed and immediately slammed her laptop shut. I knew to wait. Let her be for a little while. I was glad Sarah and I were close enough that I knew what she needed right now.

  She texted me after about an hour. “I’ll be home tomorrow morning.”

  “Okay” was all I could respond. We’d deal with everything tomorrow.

  Sarah was absolutely devastated about Eddie. I was glad she was at her parent’s house. I didn’t think I could have dealt with both of our grief. We’d talk, and cry, and hold each other the next day.

  I needed to talk to Zach’s family to see if he was okay since the Army didn’t have any information for me yet. I gave Mrs. Peters a call and the minute she answered, I knew she was not receiving the same news Sarah or I were dealing with.

  “Emily, he’s alive, he’s been severely injured, but he’s alive and stable for now.” I hadn’t needed to ask.

  “Eddie?” She asked. It was a single word, but it held so many questions and so much meaning.

  “No,” I managed to scratch out with my gravelly voice and then started sobbing again.

  “Oh dear heaven, Emily. You can’t mean…” Carol’s voice came to a halt and I heard the phone hit the floor. The next voice was Mr. Peters.

  “Is it bad news, Emily? he asked. I nodded my head but sobs were the only sounds I could make and he understood immediately. “Okay, Emma, we’ll get through this together. Who’s there with you?”

  “Charlie.” I couldn’t help the sigh of relief when it finally hit me that Zach was alive. “Here, talk with Charlie,” I said and handed him the phone. I needed to sit down.

  Charlie and Mr. Peters talked for a while as I remained in my fog of despair.

  Later, I found out that Mr. and Mrs. Peters would be making a trip to Walter Reed Hospital in a couple days, because as soon as Zach was stabilized enough to travel, he would be transferred there for recovery of his wounds. I wished I could go to him along with Carol, but there was so much to do here dealing with Eddie’s death.

  The Army said they would have the Casualty Assistance Officer come by in the morning and walk me through everything I needed to do. I was afraid it would be overwhelming and didn’t know how I would get through it. Thank goodness for Sarah, we would get through it together.

  Zach’s dad even offered to come help me rather than go to Bethesda with his wife. I turned down his offer. Zach was severely wounded, he was going to need all the support he could get.

  Charlie found out Zach had his back to the explosion and a piece of shrapnel had penetrated his left upper back and was long enough it came clear through his chest and driven out the front. It had punctured his lung, which collapsed and he had significant blood loss. He was lucky he wasn’t facing the blast.

  The same piece of shrapnel would have pierced his heart and he too would have been a casualty, killed in action. Luckily, his spine was not injured and there appeared to be no lasting nerve damage. Even so, he would have a long road to recovery and would need to stay in Maryland for a while to recover, including physical therapy and psychological help in dealing with the trauma of the attack.

  I had to trust Carol when she told me to stay here and deal with everything coming up and not to worry about Zach. She’d make certain he was fine and send me regular updates.

  Things moved very quickly from there and honestly it was a blur. Sarah looked like a ghost and I doubt I looked any better. Neither of us slept much and when we did, we had nightmares. We took to sleeping in the same room to be able to wake each other when those nightmares hit. Charlie stuck around for a while to help Sarah and me get through this time of uncertainty.

  We worked with the advocate from the Army who was very helpful and sympathetic. No question was too small and he was available twenty-four seven. Eddie had taken out the maximum amount of life insurance when he joined the Army with me listed as the beneficiary as a precaution. I think he didn’t want to leave me stranded in case something happened to him.

  After all the paperwork was complete, I was to receive the lump sum of his insurance payoff and the balance of his GI Bill contribution. None of it brought my brother back, but I knew he was thinking of me and never wanted me to feel completely abandoned. It was a huge help financially, so I had to give Eddie credit for his foresight. Damn Eddie and his stupid fucking foresight. I was so mad at him for dying on me.

  Planning for the funeral should have been tough, but the advocate basically took care of everything. Of course, he consulted us as far as our wishes, but we were numb and for the most part, just agreed to whatever he thought was best.

  I wanted Eddie to be at Arlington rather than our local hometown cemetery. I felt he deserved the honor and Eddie felt the same way I did about “home.” It wasn’t anywhere we had deep connections to or anywhere either of us had planned on returning to.

  Sarah, Charlie, and I were flown to Dover Air Force Base when they brought Eddie home. The Mortuary Affairs Unit oversaw this portion, but most of our dealings still went through our Advocate. Watching Eddie’s flag draped casket being brought out of the plane by six uniformed personnel had Sarah on her knees in a heap of tears. Charlie was holding me up or I would have been right beside her inside the hanger. We were treated with the utmost care and honor.

  The day of the funeral was the hardest day of my whole life. I seemed to be saying that a lot in the last year. Each new trial I endured just kept getting more difficult. I know the day of the funeral was definitely the hardest day for Sarah. I thought it was difficult to bury a parent, but a brother, your twin? Nothing could compare to the devastation.

  We flew to Washington D.C. early the day before. We were scheduled for meetings and tours with various politicos around D.C. Charlie and Carol had accompanied us. Sarah’s parents and Zach’s dad, Richard, were set to fly in early the day of the funeral.

  Our Casualty Assistance Officer, James, was there and walked us through what to expect, which included a video for us to watch. He was always there for us. The Army put out information called a Black Line Letter in email form to let other military members know of Eddie’s death. We also had an obituary put in the local paper back home

  “The paper did a whole write up with a section dedicated to Eddie. I saved it for you,” Carol said. I couldn’t bring myself to read it. Maybe someday, but I’m sure it would kill me to read about our “charmed life” in the sleepy town we grew up in.

  I could imagine the interviews with teachers, friends, Eddie’s team mates and Mr. Holton, our old boss at the burger shop. They’d all say what a fine young man Eddie was and what a tragedy losing him was. Except, no one except me could know the pain or the loss when your brother died, especially when he was your other half. The hole I felt inside my chest felt bigger than my whole body. I wasn’t sure how that was possible, but it consumed me. Even Zach wouldn’t feel the loss in the same way as me. Same as I couldn’t begin to understand what Zach had to go through watching Eddie die.

  I tried multiple times to get a hold of Zach. I had so many questions. The Army had answered questions as best they could about what happened, but it was all technical, sterile. They were sympathetic and answ
ered my questions, however, they weren’t there. Zach was, and I needed to hear it from him. Even having been severely injured himself, by all accounts, he crawled to Eddie. The account of what happened after that was sketchy because it seems all hell broke loose and the descriptions of each of the men blurred until it was unrecognizable as a single instance.

  Zach never picked up when I called either the hospital or his cell phone. When I called his hospital room, it was always either his parents or a nurse who answered and Zach was never available. I knew it was bullshit and he was avoiding me. I had hoped we’d have a chance to talk after the funeral. Not knowing haunted me day and night, prolonging any sense of peace or closure I might have achieved.

  When we arrived at Arlington for the funeral, I was overwhelmed by all the people in attendance. There were men from his unit. Their deployment had ended just a month after the IED attack. Eddie would have only had to make it one more month, only, he didn’t. There were people from our home town. Sarah’s entire family was present, even though none of them had ever met Eddie.

  I was looking around for Zach when Mr. Peters came over and told me, “Emma, honey, if you’re looking for Zach, it’s doubtful that his doctors are going to allow him to attend today. His condition is still guarded. I just didn’t want you watching for him in vain.” The news broke my heart. Of all the days in my life I needed Zach, it was the day I buried Eddie.

  I felt disoriented the whole day. Everything seemed to be an out of body experience. The entire thing was surreal. The processional started and Sarah and I walked in single file following the hearse. I had decided against a caisson, basically a horse-drawn hearse, even though he was eligible for the use of one. After us, the other people in attendance followed, some on foot and then others by car. Everyone from his unit wore their dress uniforms and the somber looks they wore told a story I was afraid must be too painful to relive.

  We walked past row upon row of white marble headstones for what seemed like miles. When we finally got to the spot set up, there were a few rows of chairs, but most of the people stood. There was a lot of saluting and pomp. The whole service was performed with great attention to detail and precision. A military chaplain spoke without me hearing a word of it, all I could do was sit there, holding Sarah’s hand, while staring at my brother’s coffin draped with an American flag.