Proof of Heaven

by Mary Curran Hackett

  “Come on, Sis. Leave that crap alone for twenty minutes and enjoy yourself. It’s just a big old lot of land where corn grows. Don’t read too much into it. Maybe it’s not proof there is no heaven, maybe it’s proof of hell.”

  Dr. Basu spit out the coffee he was drinking. Sean always made him laugh.

  Cathleen laughed too, knowing that she was bringing everyone down. “I know, I know, Sean, you’re right. I need to relax. It’s just sometimes I start thinking . . .”

  “Never bodes well for you, Sis. Never.”

  “Thanks a lot, jackass.”

  “Come on, Cate. I’m kidding.”

  “So am I,” she said, punching Sean in the shoulder.

  “So, Mama, does this m-mean that you don’t believe?”

  She laughed. “No. It just means that even belief has its limits. Even those who believe wonder. You can never, ever know for sure.”

  “I know, Mama. I know.”

  Cathleen said nothing else until they were just outside of Grand Island, where they pulled off and stayed in a weather-beaten motel. It was dark when they arrived, and all agreed to go to bed early so they could get up at dawn to make it to Denver by afternoon.

  When they made it out to the car the next morning, they saw what looked like a swarm of giant birds, tens of thousands of them flying overhead in the early amber and purple sky.

  “What in God’s name are they?” Cathleen said, looking up.

  “They’re the sandhills,” Dr. Basu said. He had already been outside looking intently up at the sky. “They’re huge cranes and they migrate here every year, like they and their ancestors have for millions of years, long before us. In the spring, they fly north for the summer. It’s here, on the plains of Nebraska, where they land and dance. They do the ritual dance for each other, and they find their mates for life. When they return next time, those who found mates will have a baby with them. Thousands of people from all over the world come here just to see it.”

  “Let’s go see them!” Colm said eagerly. “I want to see them dance for each other!”

  “I think we just need to find an open field somewhere, where they land and feed,” Dr. Basu said.

  They drove along the road until they found signs that led to a nature preserve. When they arrived, there were rows of cars, vans, and buses parked, and all around the fields were people with binoculars wrapped around their necks. There were even observation decks built to look out over the fields where the birds landed.

  There were thousands of cranes, more than the eye could see. They were dancing for each other, lifting their giant wings back and forth, then one leg, then another, showing their mates they had what it takes to be there for them for the rest of their lives.

  Colm, Sean, Dr. Basu, and Cathleen stood looking out beyond the birds at the rising sun. They stood speechless. There was no explanation for it—for the order, the precision, the devotion. How amazing was the world and how all of its infinite parts fit and worked together, Dr. Basu thought.

  “Amazing,” Dr. Basu gasped. “I heard about the birds on NPR’s Earth & Sky, but I never imagined it was so—so heavenly.” He was dancing for Cathleen now, saying things he knew she wanted to hear.

  “It is, Gaspar. It is. It’s breathtaking,” Cathleen said.

  “You crazy nerds ready to get back on the road or what?” Sean broke in. “If we’re smart about it, we’re in Denver tonight, and we can be on top of Mt. Evans by tomorrow morning.”

  “We’re ready,” Dr. Basu said, forgetting for a moment he was not in Italy and grabbing Cathleen’s hand to walk toward the car. Cathleen did not resist, and together they came down the stairs. Sean, shocked by this outward sign of affection, followed them, curious to see where this was going. They had already reached the car, and Dr. Basu was opening the door for Cathleen to get in when they all noticed Colm hadn’t followed them.

  “Colm?” Cathleen yelled.

  “Colm?” Sean and Dr. Basu yelled.

  “Where the hell is he now?” Sean said, acting angry, but secretly fearing the worst.

  Sean ran toward the deck and then up the stairs. Colm was still there. He was leaning over the guardrail and looking out at the birds.

  “Colm, what’s going on? Why aren’t you coming? We gotta get on the road. We’re keeping your schedule, remember?”

  “Uncle Sean?”

  “Yeah, Bud.”

  “Why don’t you think Mama and my father mated for life? Why do birds—these birds—even know how to stay, and how to take care of their family? How come my father didn’t?”

  “I don’t know, Colm. Maybe that’s something you can ask him when you see him. I’m kind of curious about that myself, to be honest with you,” Sean said while leaning over the rail now, too, and looking out toward the birds.

  “Yeah. I mean Mama is pretty great . . . and so . . .”

  Sean knew what he was about to say and cut him off. “Yes, so are you. You’re awesome, too. There is nothing wrong with you or your ma, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  “You mean something was wrong with my dad?”

  “I don’t know, kid. What the hell do I know? I just know someone had to be pretty messed up to leave you or leave your mother. I know that for a fact.”

  “Do you think he’ll be happy to see me?”

  “He’d be a fool not to. Now let’s go. You worried your mother . . . again.”

  “I always worry her.”

  “She’s a mom. That’s what they do.”

  “Well, I worry about her—and you. I just need to know she has you and you have her. You need each other.”

  “Come on, now. She already has you. She doesn’t need anyone else.”

  “I just need to know you’ll always take care of her. You won’t take off on her—ever. Like that night in the hospital. No matter what she says.”

  “I won’t. I promise.”

  “I am glad she has you, Uncle Sean.”

  “Looks like she has another someone too,” Sean said, nodding toward the direction of the car.

  “You mean, Dr. Basu?”

  “Yeah. I think he likes her.”

  “I think so too,” Colm agreed.

  “OK. So nothing more to worry about, right? Ready to see the Rockies?”

  “Yup.”

  Colm wobbled beside his uncle, who wrapped his arm around the boy’s waist to support him as he walked down the steps. Sean was dancing for Colm too, letting him know he wasn’t going anywhere. For life.

  They drove all day through Nebraska, down through Sterling headed toward Denver. By late afternoon they all saw what looked like a purple cloud formation off in the distance.

  “I’ve never seen clouds like that,” Colm said.

  “Those aren’t clouds, Colm,” Dr. Basu said.

  “Those are the Rocky Mountains,” Sean added.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” Colm said. “They’re beautiful!”

  “I know. I have always, always wanted to see them myself,” Sean said. “In the morning, we’ll be right in the middle of them.”

  The white caps of the mountain peaks took on the color of pink and lavender in the morning sun. As much as Colm wanted to just get on the road, he knew his uncle was right. He didn’t want to miss climbing Mt. Evans for anything in the world. Mt. Evans was one of the few fourteeners in the United States accessible by car—so people like Colm, who couldn’t otherwise ever climb or reach the summit from its base camp, could. It was also on their way west. But when they got to Echo Lake to turn onto Mount Evans Highway, they found the road closed.

  “I guess there’s still too much snow up on the mountain. It looks like it opens up in summer after Memorial Day,” Cathleen said after reading the sign and getting out her guidebook.

  “Shit,” Sean said.

  “We can always come back someday,” Cathleen assured Sean.

  “Yeah. I guess.”

  “Let’s look for an observation pull-off somewhere, Sean. We�
�re almost eleven thousand feet up—that’s still two miles higher than New York City. Come on, don’t get upset,” Cathleen said as she tried to assuage him.

  Colm felt bad for his uncle. He knew he really wanted to reach the summit of a mountain. He seemed to be trying to reach the mountaintop his entire life, only to find a roadblock at every turn.

  As Sean threw the car in reverse to turn around, he barked, “Story of my damn life.”

  Colm heard him, touched his shoulder gently, and said nothing. He understood his uncle’s disappointment all too well. When Sean felt Colm’s hand on his shoulder, he thought of the boy—and the boy’s own disappointments—and he couldn’t help but stop feeling sorry for himself.

  “Sorry about that, guys. It’s really no big deal. We’ll come back someday together, Colm, when you’re older and we can climb the whole damn thing. Sound like a plan?”

  “That sounds awesome, Uncle Sean. Maybe even my dad can come too!”

  Sean closed his eyes and bit back what he wanted so badly to say. He had learned his lesson, so many lessons, from Colm.

  “That would be great, Colm. Just great.”

  Colm smiled and looked out over all the mountain peaks that jutted into the sky like tyrannosaurus teeth. Deep down he knew he would never make it back with his uncle, but it brought him joy to think that someday even without him there, his mother, his father, Dr. Basu, and his uncle would climb them. And as he thought of this he smiled. Because in just a few days he would finally see him, his father. His very own mountaintop. He. Couldn’t. Wait.

  Chapter 27

  For the next two days, they drove through barren desert toward the dry, hot West. It seemed to Colm like they had left the planet Earth. He had never seen topography like this. As they drove through Nevada, Colm pretended to be on Mars.

  “Mission Control, Mission Control. I see Martians. Yes, Martians. I need backup. Lasers and all your forces,” Colm said in a deep voice, as he tried to create static sound effects by forcing the back of his tongue up against the roof of his mouth, “Khhkhhhkhhhh, I am losing you, Mission Control. I am losing contact!”

  “Mission Control, here. We’re sending in the Giant Robotron-Superhero-Special Forces,” Sean said. “Be ready for battle. Man your weapons!”

  “The Martians—they have attacked. We have been defeated! Our forces are destroyed! Mission Control: We are Martians now!” Colm shouted.

  When Colm didn’t want to be an astronaut anymore, but a Martian, Sean fashioned foil antennas out of the leftover wrappers from their burritos. They sat in the backseat with their Martian headgear and busied themselves for hours in Colm’s imaginary world and watched as the world flew by them in streaks of red, orange, and brown. Occasionally, Colm would leave his uncle on Mars and cross his eyes, while staring out the window. He liked to watch the colors swirl and the world shift and change before him.

  When Colm and Sean weren’t on the United States of Mars, Cathleen and Sean were at each other’s throats, yelling about when to stop, where to eat, and how long to stay. Dr. Basu and Colm often looked at each other, rolling their eyes, exasperated by them both.

  “Would you two just stop it?” Colm shouted.

  “Why can’t you two just get along? Don’t you see how stupid it is to fight? Try to have a little fun, Mama. Uncle Sean, try to be nice.”

  Dr. Basu smiled and winked at the boy every time he came to their rescue and saved them from each other time and time again.

  By the evening of their fifth day on the road, Dr. Basu pulled into a roadside motel that he could tell had a pool. “I think we could all use a break. Maybe a swim, no?” Dr. Basu asked.

  “Yes!” Colm shouted out. “I’d love to go swimming!”

  “Yes, it’s awfully hot. A dip in a pool would be nice,” Cathleen agreed. “Are you sure you feel up to it, Colm?”

  “Yes!” Colm shouted. He couldn’t wait to get out of the car.

  Cathleen smiled and thought quietly, It’s a sign. He’s getting better.

  Dr. Basu checked them all in and gave them their keys and told them to go and change. “OK. We’ll see who can get changed and get in the pool first,” Dr. Basu said, laughing.

  “I’ll race you, Dr. Basu,” Colm said. Colm and his mother ran to their room. “Come on, Mama! Hurry, hurry. I don’t want Dr. Basu and Sean to win.”

  “OK, OK.” Cathleen stepped into the bathroom. “I’ll be out in a second. Your suit is in my bag. I packed a new pair of trunks for you I bought for this trip,” she yelled through the door.

  Colm looked in his mother’s bag and found a pair of navy blue trunks with white stars all over them. “Aw, Mama. I love them. They’re sooo cool.”

  “I’m glad. I knew you would like them, hon. Don’t worry. I’ll be right out.”

  Colm pulled on his new trunks, threw on his T-shirt, and began bouncing outside his mother’s door. “Let’s go, let’s go.” Colm always felt like he was waiting for his mother to just move on and go already.

  Chapter 28

  When Cathleen and Colm emerged from their room and made it to the pool, Sean and Dr. Basu were already swimming. Colm was annoyed and looked at his mother.

  “They beat us here ’cause it took so long for you to get ready,” Colm said petulantly.

  “Come on in, Cate, the water is great!” Sean said, splashing the water up at her.

  “Sean, so help me God. If you splash me, I’m leaving.”

  “Come on, Sis. Have a little fun, will ya?”

  Dr. Basu couldn’t take his eyes off her. She had let her hair down, and he remembered the last time he had seen it down, on their night in Italy. They all looked on as Cathleen took off her cover-up. Colm thought her body had turned blue, but Sean and Dr. Basu knew it was only taking on the color of the pool below her. To Colm, though, she seemed to be glowing. The tiny sparkles on her white bathing suit caught the light from overhead and made her entire middle shimmer. Colm loved to see her shiny black hair loose and flowing down around her bare white shoulders. She was, as she had always been, the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Dr. Basu, if he could have heard Colm’s thoughts, would have agreed.

  “Beautiful,” Dr. Basu said quietly, not realizing he said the word aloud. But Sean heard him and splashed him hard, startling him.

  “Simmer down there, Pops. That’s my sister you’re looking at.”

  Dr. Basu, embarrassed, dropped down through the water. When he came up, several inches from Sean, he looked up again at the pool deck and saw Cathleen and Colm.

  “I’ll race you to the pool,” Cathleen said playfully to Colm as he pulled off his T-shirt.

  Cathleen almost gasped. Under the harsh light, Colm’s ribs appeared as though they were protruding, and his stomach was bulging. Dr. Basu and Sean looked at each other. They were both horrified. Colm looked transparent, as if they could see through him, or he would, at any moment, disappear before their eyes.

  “Colm, are you up for this?” She looked concerned.

  “You all right, Bud?” Sean asked, concerned now too.

  “You bet,” he said, taking off and running awkwardly for the pool.

  Cathleen, always surprised by his energy and playfulness no matter how ill, chased him.

  Colm ran toward the edge of the pool. He launched himself into the air wildly and with the complete abandon only a child could have. His arms made large circles as he tried to keep his momentum going in the air while his legs moved quickly below him. From behind, he seemed to be walking on water.

  Suddenly, his body disappeared into the pool. Cathleen stopped at the edge, afraid to jump in as quickly as Colm. As much as she wanted to be that kind of person, the type to just let go and jump, she could not do it. She could not go in without testing the water first. As she dipped her foot in and looked down at Colm swimming up toward the surface, his hair spread out around him like a golden halo, he seemed to her, despite his ghostly appearance, more alive than ever before. And just for a moment, she stopped
worrying and thought that perhaps the miracle had worked. Yes, the miracle took. It would be impossible for her to lose him now. That knowledge made her feel light and ready to break free. She bounced slightly on the balls of her feet and dove in over Colm’s body, hardly making a splash or sound, slipping into the silence of the water.

  When she rose to the surface, Colm was waiting for her, making a ring with his arms to catch her and hold on to her so he could ride along her back. She pulled him, swimming slowly and softly with the gentle force of her undulating body. Like a mama dolphin and baby move through the ocean, Cathleen and Colm moved as one. When Cathleen finally submerged her face in the water and dove downward, Colm held on tight, following her under. Once they were deep under the water’s surface, he let her go. From far below her, he looked as she swam away from him toward Sean and Dr. Basu, eventually heading for the surface before making her final breakthrough. Below, Colm moved his arms to tread, feeling weightless and free, no longer dependent on his failing legs, and looked up at his mother and the two men splashing and playing together in the distance. And Colm knew.

  She’s going to be just fine.

  While Cathleen, Sean, and Dr. Basu, exhausted from the long day and the swim, slept, Colm sat on the balcony of the motel. He could not rest. He was in agony. If he had been able to, he would have driven himself right then and there to Los Angeles. He could barely contain his excitement. He stood all night looking up at the night sky and out to the west—out toward L.A. Tomorrow he would be there. He would finally meet his father. He felt if his body could, it would burst. And when it did—he would shine.

  Part V

  You will hardly know who I am or what I mean,

  But I shall be good health to you nevertheless,

  And filter and fibre your blood.

  Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,

  Missing me one place search another,

  I stop somewhere waiting for you.

  —Walt Whitman, “Song of Myself,” Leaves of Grass