Proof of Heaven

by Mary Curran Hackett

  Chapter 29

  Mama, do you have it? Do you have the letter with the address?” Colm shouted from the backseat as the Los Angeles skyline came into view.

  “Yes, Colm, I have it. I have it right here. When we get to the hotel, we’ll put it in Dr. Basu’s GPS.”

  “Can’t we just go? Why don’t we just go there first?”

  “No! Colm! We talked about this. We all need to rest, shower, and clean up. I am not going to pull up to the doorstep of your father’s house, my ex’s, dressed like this . . . looking like this. I haven’t seen him in years.”

  “So? Who cares?”

  “I care, Colm. I care. That’s enough,” Cathleen said.

  “Hey, Colm, just drop it, OK,” Sean added. “Leave your poor mother alone. She came all this way for you. Your mom wants to look nice and get herself together. Let’s just enjoy the evening, OK? Speaking of which, what’s on the agenda, Gaspar?”

  “No agenda. I booked us rooms on the beach in Santa Monica. I thought we could see the ocean and spend the evening relaxing.”

  “Santa Monica? Isn’t that St. Augustine’s mother?” Sean asked Cathleen.

  “Yes. She prayed for her son’s conversion,” Cathleen answered flatly.

  Colm did not understand what his mother meant.

  “Where is Santa Monica, Dr. Basu?” Colm asked anxiously. “Is it far from L.A.? Will it take forever to get there?”

  “No, Dove. We’ll be there soon. We made it across the United States in six days, we can get to the Loews at Santa Monica soon enough.”

  When they finally arrived in front of the hotel, Cathleen looked at the entrance and swore. “You have got to be kidding me, Gaspar?”

  “Excuse me?” Gaspar asked.

  “Look at this place! What are you thinking? We can’t afford this,” Cathleen said, shaking her head back and forth.

  “I wanted to do something special. It’s my gift to you. You deserve it, Cathleen.”

  Sean shook his head. Dr. Basu was trying so hard to impress her, and all he had to do was show up. This was his sister, Cathleen, Dr. Basu was dealing with. She hadn’t been on a date in more than seven years, let alone received a child support check, and she still carried a torch for the deadbeat, he thought. Dr. Basu looked like a goddamn hero in comparison. He didn’t need to do any of this, he thought.

  “Gaspar, you’re doing way too much,” Sean said. “Take it easy. You don’t have to impress her anymore; she’s crazy about you.”

  “It’s okay, Sean. I’m happy to do it—for all of you.”

  Cathleen could not believe her eyes. It was one of the most beautiful hotels she had ever seen. Dr. Basu took her bag and let her walk through the giant glass atrium lined with palm trees that reached up to the sky like giant cathedral arches framing the view of the Pacific. Cathleen walked through them with her head held high—the way Dr. Basu remembered her in Italy. Together they went through the atrium doors and walked out toward the beach. The palm trees spread out over the sand, and the Pacific Ocean crashed loudly along the shore. Colm looked down the beach and could see the Santa Monica Pier—the Ferris wheel, the bright lights twinkling in the distance.

  Sean looked at Dr. Basu and nodded in appreciation. “Ya done real good, Doc.”

  Cathleen stood speechless. She felt the warm breeze against her cheeks, the wind in her hair. She could not help but think of it, even though she was here with Gaspar and she had come to love him, she could not help but remember the night with Pierce at the shore, the night they had walked together along the beach. She closed her eyes, trying to remember it all—his auburn boy-cut hair, his deep blue eyes, and fair skin that was burnt red by the summer sun.

  “Pierce?”

  “Yes, babe.”

  “I have something to tell you.”

  “What?”

  “I am going to have a baby.”

  She could not see his face. He was walking in front of her, and he didn’t stop. She should have known then. She was never able to do it—just let go and be. She wished she had had the strength then to turn around, to forget him right then and there—to have been the one to leave him first. But she chased after him, pulling on his arm.

  “Well, what do you think, Pierce?”

  “I guess what I think doesn’t matter a whole lot now, does it?” He pulled his arm from hers and walked quickly away.

  Cathleen felt her heart plummet, diving and lodging itself deep within her womb, her broken heart taking up residence in her growing son. She would forever feel guilty. Forever blame herself.

  “You’ll make a wonderful father,” Cathleen called out. “You can teach him how to play the guitar and sing. You would be so wonderful! I just know it!” She chased after him.

  “I’ll be home later. Don’t wait up for me.”

  “You’re leaving me here? Alone? Pierce, come back!”

  “Here’s a few dollars for the train.” He threw money at her feet.

  “Are you kidding me? That’s it? A few dollars for the train? You bastard. You bastard!”

  “Oh, stop with the melodrama, Cate. I’m going for a drink. Go home, and I’ll meet you later. We’ll figure this out.”

  “So we’ll figure it out. That means you’re not going to leave? You’re in this for the long haul?”

  “I’ll see you at home, Cate.” Pierce looked at her flushed face with tears rolling down her cheeks, and he walked away, leaving her alone on the beach staring out into the blank and lonely sky.

  “Mama? Mama? Mama? Is everything OK? Why are you crying? Mama?” Colm called out to Cathleen and brought her back to reality.

  “Yes, Colm, what is it?” she said, walking toward him.

  “Is everything all right? Aren’t you happy?”

  “This place is just so beautiful. The ocean, everything, all that we saw on our way out here. It’s just overwhelming. All the beauty around us. That’s all.”

  “Mama?”

  “Yes, Bud.”

  “You look beautiful. I just thought you should know. No matter what you wear, Dad is going to love you. He’s going to know how beautiful you are. I just thought you should know that.”

  “Oh, Colm. Thank you. Come here.”

  Colm came to her, and she held him. She took his face and looked him deep in the eyes. “I am so proud of you. You’ve never been afraid. Most children could not have done what you’ve done and be so brave. I need you to know that you can’t break my heart. That it won’t hurt me, if you need to go . . . be somewhere else, with someone else.”

  “Mama, I’ll always be with you. I just need to know . . . find out who my father is. I’ve always wanted to know him. I’ve just been missing him so much.”

  “I know, babe. I know. I missed my father when I was a little girl, too.”

  Colm looked at her and remembered his mother had had no father either. He had never made the connection that perhaps she had missed her father too, just as he did.

  “What was it like for you, Mama?”

  “I missed him. I imagined he was everywhere, looking at me and talking to me. He was a good friend to me when I was little. But sometimes I was angry with him because he wasn’t there for me. Sometimes I was angry at God for taking him from me.”

  “Mama, I feel the same way. Except for the God part. God doesn’t have anything to do with it for me. But I’m like you, sometimes I pretend he’s right here with us, but then sometimes I get mad ’cause he’s not. He should be taking care of us.”

  “Oh, baby. I know it’s so hard. I wish I could make it better.”

  “So you never got to see him again? You never got to see your father again? Didn’t that make you sad?”

  “I guess it always helped me to know that someday I’d see him again. Someday, maybe up in heaven, we would be together. I still believe that. I believe that when I die I’ll get to see my mama and my father. It comforts me.”

  “I’m glad you think that, Mama. I want you to be able to meet your father t
oo, like I’m going to meet mine tomorrow.”

  Cathleen closed her eyes and wished for her son to get his wish. She prayed deeply with her entire body: Please God, please let Colm have this one wish. This one miracle.

  “I know, honey. I know. It is very exciting. I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to see you. You know you look just like him?”

  “I do, Mama?”

  “Exactly. Every time I look at you . . . I see him. I see your father.”

  “Wow. Do you have a picture of him?”

  “No, not with me. I’m sorry. When we go back to New York, I’ll look for one.”

  “But I won’t need one, Mama. I’ll see him tomorrow and we can take a new picture together—of all of us.”

  “Won’t that be nice?” Cathleen said, hoping that they would be able to.

  “Mama, everything is going to be OK.”

  “It will be. And whatever happens tomorrow, I need you not to worry about me. I know you do, and I want you to know that I have your crazy uncle and Gaspar. I don’t want you thinking you have to take care of me anymore.”

  “I know, Mama,” Colm said, surprised that his mother knew. Colm hugged his mother. He held her close, wrapping his arms around her waist. “I love you, Mama.”

  “I love you, Colm Francis Magee.”

  The two took off their shoes, and, holding hands, walked to the shore and let the water cover their feet, washing away all of the steps they took that led them to this place.

  Dr. Basu and Sean stood back and watched mother and son admire the sunset, with their feet firmly planted in ground that was slowly ebbing away from them.

  Chapter 30

  Later back in her room, while Sean and Dr. Basu took Colm to the pier, Cathleen sat at the desk gazing at the scribbled address on a faded piece of notebook paper. It was her only evidence of Pierce’s earthly existence besides her son. She could imagine him in his apartment writing down his new address and sending it to her. He sent her a letter just a few months after Colm was born. It was the last time she ever heard from him. He wrote to tell her he was settled in L.A., that he was doing what he set out to do, write and create music, and that he was happy, and hoped the same for her. He never asked about the baby—never asked about her. At first she was too proud. She never wanted to admit that she needed him, that she needed him more than anything in the world. She would never have admitted it. And certainly not in a letter. Instead, as Colm got older and went to school, she sent only brief update letters along with photos and homework and special drawings. All of it was sent back unopened.

  What if he wasn’t even here? What if he had moved on? For all she knew he was still busking on the streets of New York. He could be anywhere, she thought. How stupid could I have been? All this time she had been so worried about herself, so worried about her own heart being broken by her son, that she hadn’t spent enough time thinking that it was Colm’s heart she should have been worried about. If Pierce was still at the address, he would get the surprise of his life, she thought. And if he wasn’t, she didn’t know what she would do with Colm. He would never forgive her for taking him all this way without knowing if his father existed at all.

  Meanwhile at the pier, Colm and Dr. Basu stepped onto the Ferris wheel while Sean ran to get them all hot dogs and sodas.

  “Are you OK, Dr. Basu?” Colm asked. Dr. Basu looked afraid to be on the ride.

  “Yes, nothing frightens me, son,” Dr. Basu said as they were pulled back to circle the wheel.

  As they moved higher, Colm asked one of the things he always wanted to know. “Dr. Basu, why do you call me son?”

  “Oh, I don’t even think about it. In India, older folks call all children their sons or daughters; and all children call the adults aunt or uncle.”

  “Why?”

  “Because, I suppose, they think of everyone as family.”

  “Are you my family, Dr. Basu?”

  “Would you like me to be?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, then, yes, I am your family.”

  “My mother loves you, Dr. Basu.”

  “She does? How do you know such a thing?” Dr. Basu looked at him, surprised.

  “Because sons know what their mamas love. They know it better than anyone.”

  The wheel turned faster, sending them soaring over the crest and down again and again as the wind whipped through Colm’s wild hair, making him feel light and free. He lifted his arms from the bar and closed his eyes. Instinctively, Dr. Basu grabbed him out of fear that his small body would slip and fall out of the seat. An overwhelming sense of terror swelled within Dr. Basu, and for the first time on the ride, he realized there would be nothing left for him without Colm. He had not realized how much he had grown to love the boy. How great the love truly was. He could not, he thought, remember a time that Dhruv did not exist, even if he thought he was only a star in the sky now. Hadn’t he been there the entire time? He could not conceive of a moment when Colm would not exist—and the pain that rose up in him when he realized the time was coming soon when he would be alone again without either boy was almost too much to bear. Fear consumed him entirely, and he held tighter still to the boy, as if squeezing him would somehow prevent him from slipping away. He could not lose this son too, he thought. What would the universe do with one more star? Didn’t it have enough? He knew his reasoning sounded foolish and illogical, but while the boy whooped and hollered, enjoying the thrill of the ride, Dr. Basu silently, and at first without his own recognition, began to pray a mantra he had not heard since he’d left India. There he had heard it often, the most common of all his own Niranjana’s mantras, and like Cathleen’s Hail Marys that came to her without thinking, before even fully waking, he said it aloud as he had said it long, long ago.

  Asato maa sadgamaya

  Tamaso maa jyotirgamaya

  Mriyor maa amritan gamaya

  Om shaanti shaanti shaanti

  From the unreal,

  lead us to the Real;

  from darkness,

  lead us unto Light;

  from death, lead us to Immortality.

  Om peace, peace, peace

  Colm, Colm, Colm, please do not take my Colm.

  From the ground, Sean, coming back with an armload of food from the concession stand, looked up and saw Dr. Basu gripping the boy with his eyes closed. Sean laughed, thinking Dr. Basu must have been afraid, after all, of something—he must be terrified. What Sean didn’t know, couldn’t know was that Dr. Basu’s terror and grief were transforming him. With each revolution of the spinning wheel, the steel trap secured tightly around his heart unsnapped. For the first time in a long time, instead of his brain sending messages to his heart, Dr. Basu felt a strange and powerful reverse force as if his heart were beating furiously, rapidly, sending message after message to his brain—messages that had been locked in time, trapped somewhere deep within. At last there was interconnectivity. His heart and brain were functioning together, no longer moving and circulating as separate entities. All this time he had been explaining it to his patients, to Cathleen, to Sean, to Colm: The heart and brain are interdependent. They cannot exist without each other. Suddenly he remembered something he believed his brain had not let his heart believe since that awful day. Someone, far away, someone high above him loved him. Loved him enough to send him a son like Dhruv and another like Colm. Someone loved him enough to recognize this love and give him this mantra, this prayer that would sustain him. And he said it rapidly, as quickly as he could again and again, until he felt the wheel slowing and could hear Sean’s voice. “Hang in there, Dr. Basu, It’s almost over!”

  Then Sean spotted Colm. He looked to him like he was at home at the edge of the earth, just ready to take flight, while Dr. Basu was clinging to him for dear life.

  “Poor bastard,” Sean said as he laughed. “Hang on! Just hang on, my man! You’ve made it, buddy! You did it! Good for you!” Sean encouraged as the ride came to a halt.

  Chapter 31

 
Before breakfast, Cathleen stood in front of the hotel mirror for a long time, changing her part from left to right. She couldn’t remember how she wore it and how Pierce would remember her. She examined the fine lines around her eyes, and the ones between her brows from constant furrowing. She stood back taking all of herself in—and admiring the white sundress she had bought for her trip to Italy. She slipped on the pink sweater, turned to the side, then all the way around, taking in a view of her backside and smoothing out the skirt. She did not feel beautiful. She did not feel as she had in Italy. For some reason, everything felt more real here. Every line appeared larger, every curve more pronounced.

  “It’s hopeless,” she said and turned away from the mirror.

  Just then Colm stepped out of the bathroom. He had bathed all on his own, and his hair was still wet and shiny. He had parted it carefully with a comb. She imagined he had taken great pains to do such a fine job with his usually long, mangled mess. He wasn’t wearing his hat. He had put on his good slacks that she’d packed for him and the button-down shirt that she hadn’t even been able to get him to wear to church. He had dressed to impress. Like mother, like son, she thought. She wanted to run to him and make a fuss. She wanted to tell him how handsome she thought he looked, but she knew it would only embarrass and upset him.

  “Let’s go get the guys.”

  “Are you excited, Mama?”

  “Yes, honey, I am. I’m excited for you.”

  “I have been waiting for this moment my entire life!” Colm shouted.

  Cathleen felt the pang rise inside her. She’d had no idea. I should have known better.

  At breakfast, Colm could barely eat, he was so excited. He tapped his foot and fidgeted in his chair. When Cathleen ordered her second cup of coffee, he lost it.

  “Really? Can’t we just hurry up and go already?”

  Sean, Dr. Basu, and Cathleen looked at Colm. He was at the edge of his seat.

  “OK. I’ll get the check and we can go,” Dr. Basu said. “No use making the boy suffer any longer.”