“What can we do to help?”
She shrugged. “Well, maybe we could help him care for the baby.”
“You think Mrs. Shaw will let you do that?” Amanda asked. “The woman doesn’t even want him to do it.”
“Maybe it’s because she thinks a man can’t take care of a baby as well as a woman can.”
“And what do either of us know about caring for babies?” Even as Amanda said it, she had to force down the bile in her throat. She was, after all, going to have one in six months.
“Elsie hadn’t taken care of babies before, but she was going to have to do it.”
“Elsie was going to have her mother’s help.”
“Some women don’t have their mother’s help, but they manage it. Maybe it’s something women know by instinct. You can’t deny women have a softer touch with children than men do.”
“I’m not denying that,” Amanda granted. “But I don’t know if we should be interfering. What if Jesse and Mrs. Shaw don’t want our help?”
“We won’t know unless we ask.”
Amanda shifted from one foot to another. Did either one really want someone to come up and let them know everyone in the camp was aware of their difficulties? If it was her, she would want to be left alone. She wouldn’t want someone snooping into her business.
“You can ask if you want,” Amanda said. “If it was me, I wouldn’t want someone coming up to me and asking, so I’m not going to do it.”
“If it was me, I’d want someone to ask. Sometimes people want help but are too afraid to ask because they don’t want to inconvenience someone.”
Laura had a point, but even so, Amanda said, “I don’t know if Jesse and his mother-in-law want help or not. All I know is that I like my privacy.”
“It’s hard to keep anything private when you spend all day and night with the same group of people.”
Amanda swallowed. Was Laura talking about Jesse, or was she talking about Joe? Did Laura figure out there had been something of a romantic nature between her and Joe in the past? And worse, was she going to tell Richard?
“I think I’ll offer my help,” Laura decided then headed over to Jesse’s wagon.
Amanda exhaled. Laura hadn’t been talking about Joe. Good. Amanda didn’t want anyone to know she’d almost been engaged to Joe. It would hurt Richard, and his family would probably think she got pregnant with Joe’s child and used Richard by marrying him.
Her stomach churned. She couldn’t hide her pregnancy forever. Sooner or later, his family would know, and they’d think she’d taken advantage of their son either way. She was trapped. There was nothing she could do as long as she insisted on keeping what happened with Mr. Price a secret.
But she couldn’t bear for anyone to know. Richard was the only person who believed her. That was how Richard was, though. He saw the best in everything. He saw the best in her. She liked who she was when he was with her. He was the only one who made her feel like everything really could be alright. As much as she cared for Joe, Richard was the one stable influence in her life. With Richard, what she saw was what she got, and she’d always liked that about him.
Between the two of them, Richard was the better choice. Joe wouldn’t have wanted to take on the task of raising someone else’s child. At the time Richard had suggested marriage, she hadn’t understood why he’d do it, knowing full well she might have conceived. But after he told her he loved her, she understood. He wouldn’t have done it for just anyone, as she’d originally thought. He’d done it for her.
She brushed away a tear. She couldn’t hurt Richard. Whatever might have been with Joe was going to be left behind in the long list of many other things that might have been. What if Mr. Price hadn’t come to the apartment while she was alone? What if she’d gone with her sister to the grocer instead of staying in the apartment? What if she’d run out of the apartment as soon as Mr. Price came in? What if she’d screamed sooner? What if she’d thought to grab something to defend herself? What if she’d fought harder?
It had all happened so fast, and at the time, it hadn’t even seemed like it was happening to her. Mr. Price was supposed to be at the newspaper office. He wasn’t supposed to come to the apartment. Looking back, she recognized the signs of his interest in her. The wink. The longing gaze. The suggestive smile. The accidental brush of the hand. Despite being married, he had a wandering eye, so when he saw her alone, he took advantage of the moment.
Then he’d told her sister and brother-in-law she’d wanted it. Her brother-in-law had believed him and demanded she leave the apartment, claiming he couldn’t let a loose woman stay in his home. Her sister had argued with him, but he’d only slapped her, saying it wasn’t her place to speak.
Amanda still couldn’t blame her sister. There was no way they or their parents knew what kind of man her brother-in-law had really been. He’d seemed so nice in the beginning. It wasn’t until after their parents died and Amanda moved in with them that she saw the way he’d hit her if she didn’t do what he’d wanted.
With a heavy sigh, Amanda wiped away more tears. When she and Richard married in a quiet ceremony, the preacher’s wife had told her the perils of traveling out West. Little did the woman realize how much easier this trek was than everything she’d been through in New York.
Amanda hesitated to go over to Richard. He was bound to have questions about why Joe was talking to her. But she went over anyway. She had to make sure he wasn’t upset. On top of everything else, she didn’t think she could handle it if she upset him.
Before she could speak, he said, “Now I know why you were afraid Joe and I might have been talking about you. Joe’s more interested in you than he should be.”
Her heart stopped. So Richard did pick up on it.
“Don’t worry. I know you aren’t encouraging him.” Then, as if he could read her mind, he explained, “You have that worried frown on your face.”
“I’ll never do anything to hurt you,” she said.
“I know.” He gave her a reassuring smile. “You never have.”
He turned back to the reins on the oxen, signaling an end to the discussion.
Was it that simple? She stood there for a long moment, watching him as he finished making sure everything was connected right. How could he be that sure she wouldn’t hurt him? Granted, it was the last thing she’d purposely do, but how could he really be sure of it?
Certainly, love couldn’t be so blind a person thought only the best of the object of their affection. Then another thought occurred to her. Maybe he knew her better than anyone else ever did, or even, ever could.
“Amanda?”
Blinking, she looked down beside her, surprised to see Joel. “What is it? Does your mother need help?”
“No. Can I walk with you today? All Tom talks about is girls.”
“What’s wrong with that?” Richard asked, glancing over his shoulder at his brother.
“You really have to ask?” Joel replied.
Amanda patted Joel on the shoulder. “You can walk with me.” With Joel nearby, she didn’t think Joe would dare come over to talk to her again. So if Joel could benefit from the arrangement, why not do it? “I don’t mind, Richard.”
“Alright,” Richard told her. “But if he gets to be a nuisance, let me know and I’ll send him back to Tom.”
Noting Joel’s grimace, she chuckled. “He won’t be a nuisance. I always liked him.”
“Better than Tom, right?” Joel asked her.
“I like you both the same,” she replied.
He let out a loud sigh. “You sound like Ma.”
“That’s the good thing about girls, Joel,” Richard said, taking his handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his hands on it. “They can accept boys, faults and all.”
Sensing Richard’s response didn’t please Joel one bit, Amanda said, “Maybe if you’re good, Richard will buy you some candy while we’re in town.”
Joel looked at Richard, eyebrows raised.
>
“Only if you’re good,” Richard said. “Don’t give Amanda any trouble.”
“Oh, he won’t do that,” she replied. “He’s a gentleman.”
At that, Joel puffed his chest out and smiled.
“See what I mean?” Richard asked Joel. “Faults and all.”
She couldn’t help smiling at Richard’s joke, and for a moment, she was taken back to their days at school when he would come up to her and make her feel better if she was having a bad day. In that moment, she forgot everything painful that had ever happened, and the world didn’t seem like such a dark place. But the moment was a short one. As soon as she recognized it, it had already fluttered away like a dandelion seed in the wind.
“Come along, Joel,” she said. “Everyone’s ready to ride out.”
Joel joined her as she started moving forward, and before long, he was rambling on about things that made no difference. And it was a nice distraction from the pressing matters that were going on in her life.
Chapter Ten
By the time they reached the town bustling with activity, it was half past three, leaving plenty of time to find room and board. Having been stuck on the trail for so long, Amanda had forgotten how noisy and busy it was in town. Next to her, Joel was saying something about wanting to learn to ride a horse, but she’d long since tuned out most of what he was saying. Indeed, it was starting to take effort to keep up with all the things he had on his mind.
But even if she’d wanted to, she was too aware Joe was watching her. She told herself not to look in his direction. Doing so would most likely encourage him, but despite her best intentions, she looked anyway. Sure enough, his gaze met hers. Sensing the question in his eyes, she shook her head. No. She wouldn’t leave with him. Richard was her husband. She wasn’t going to do that to him.
“Amanda,” Joel asked, drawing her attention to him, “do you think I could be a cowboy?”
Setting aside her unease, she smiled. “I think you can be anything you want. I hear out West, there are plenty of opportunities. As long as you work hard, you can accomplish anything.”
“I want to be a cowboy. They ride horses a lot, don’t they?”
“I’m sure they do.”
For all she knew, everyone out West rode a horse. She couldn’t imagine ever getting on one. But how many cowboys were there? Richard had no intention of being one. Except building houses and businesses, she couldn’t see him doing anything outside. Joe, on the other hand, would probably be happy since he enjoyed so many things outdoors.
She frowned, not liking the direction her thoughts had taken. It wasn’t right to compare them. Each one had his strengths and interests. They were two different men, after all. Two very different men. While Joe sought adventure and risk, Richard had always been predictable and secure.
And what she needed most was predictable and secure. It might seem like a boring combination to some, but for her, it was an anchor in the storm that was her life. More than anything, she needed Richard, especially after learning of how deep his feelings ran for her.
She glanced over at Richard who was leading their wagon along the dusty road, not far behind the Carmichaels’ wagon in front of him. Early on, she’d asked him why he didn’t follow right behind his parents’ wagon, to which he’d said, “If I do that, I’ll never get a reprieve from Tom and Joel arguing.”
At the time, she’d laughed, more amused by the way he’d rolled his eyes than the actual response. But considering how long the days were on the trail, she would’ve made the same decision had she been him. It was one thing to share a meal with his family or take shelter in the wagon during a storm. It was another to deal with it all hours of the day. She’d never seen two people who argued more than Tom and Joel. She could only hope they learned to get along when they grew up.
Joe instructed everyone to stop, and her attention went over to him as he pointed out the hotels to stay in for the evening and places to get more supplies or trade animals if they needed to.
Mrs. Larson hurried over to Amanda and Joel. “Thank you for watching him, Amanda.”
“It was my pleasure,” Amanda said. “He was good company.”
Mrs. Larson smiled then held out her hand to Joel. “Come along. Your father and I need to find a room for the night.”
“Can’t I stay with Amanda and Richard?” Joel asked.
“No,” Mrs. Larson replied.
“But she likes me.” He gestured to Amanda. “She just said so.”
“I know she did, but she and Richard need time alone.”
Amanda’s face grew warm. The woman might not be pleased about that idea once she realized Amanda had gotten in the family way before she and Richard got married.
“But I don’t want to hear about that girl Tom likes anymore,” Joel said with a groan.
“I’ll tell Tom to stop,” his mother promised.
This was enough to convince Joel to go with her. Even as Amanda chuckled, the sting of envy pricked at her. Joel had no idea how nice it was to have his biggest worry be how much his brother talked about a girl.
Again, she could feel the weight of Joe’s stare. She didn’t have to guess what he was thinking. He’d made his thoughts known earlier that day, and all he was doing was biding his time until he could try to talk her into leaving with him.
Ignoring the knot in her stomach, she headed right for Richard. As long as she was with him, Joe wouldn’t bother her. She hated the fact that she even had to avoid him, but she didn’t know what else to do. She wasn’t going to run off with him, no matter how much he might want it.
“How are you feeling?” Richard asked her as he got down from the wagon.
“Hot. Tired.” But she felt like that every day during their journey. “Mostly relieved. It’ll be nice to sleep on a real bed.”
He chuckled. “You don’t enjoy having rocks and twigs poke you in the back?”
Taking the canteen he offered her, she grinned. “How do you manage it, Richard? No matter what happens, you see humor in things.”
He shrugged as he gathered the reins to the oxen. “I don’t know. I think it just helps to see what I can be thankful for.”
“You can do this no matter the situation?”
“Yes. It’s not the situation that makes the difference. It’s how we respond to it.” After a moment, he lowered his voice and took a step closer to her so no one would overhear them. “I know what you went through isn’t an easy thing to deal with. I’ve never had to experience what you did. But I hope I can help you heal from it.”
Touched by the sincerity of his words, she kissed his cheek. “I know. You make me feel safe. I don’t have to worry when I’m with you.”
“Good.” In his smile was a hint of relief.
She hadn’t realized he worried over her so much. Maybe it was to be expected since he’d found her in the alley, having just given up on life, but it still surprised her.
“We’ll meet here first thing in the morning in two days,” Joe called out to the group. “That gives everyone enough time to rest and buy supplies and food.”
“I’ll find us a room,” Richard told her.
As he left, she fought the urge to run after him. Joe, no doubt, was paying attention to them, and as everyone headed off to do their own thing, it made it too easy for him to talk to her. Why he’d waited this long to talk to her when they had already spent a couple months on the trail, she didn’t know, nor did she care to ask. With a sigh, she closed her eyes in an attempt to steady her nerves.
“Amanda, are you feeling alright?”
Surprised to hear a woman’s voice instead of a man’s, she opened her eyes and faced her mother-in-law.
“I couldn’t help but notice you seem pale,” Mrs. Larson said. “Why don’t you sit down in the shade while I watch your wagon?”
Under ordinary circumstances, Amanda would have protested, but these weren’t ordinary circumstances. “Thank you, Mrs. Larson.”
“Anytime. I’
m here to help you with whatever you need. Don’t be shy about asking.”
Unable to maintain eye contact with the woman, Amanda lowered her gaze, pretending she noticed a fly. She swatted her skirt for effect then smiled her thanks to Mrs. Larson before she hurried for the hotel she’d seen Richard go in.
She almost made it before Joe stepped in front of the steps leading up to the entrance. “We need to talk,” he told her.
He made a move to take her by the arm, but she quickly sidestepped him. “No, we don’t. We have nothing to talk about. I’m staying with Richard.”
“Amanda, this isn’t like you. You look scared and alone. I can’t believe Richard is good for you.”
“He is.” She could explain everything, but she wasn’t up to it. Not only didn’t she have the time, but she didn’t feel like going through it all over again. “What we had is over. I’m sorry, Joe, but that’s just how it is.”
“I don’t understand. We had something special. I quit the railroad to be with you. Then I return to New York, and you’re not at your sister’s apartment. Your sister had no idea where you were, and I couldn’t find you. Then I see you on this trail heading to Omaha with someone you never mentioned the entire time we were courting.”
“We were only courting for six months. I didn’t mention Richard because I hadn’t seen him in over a year. We went to school together.” Why was she even telling him all this? Richard was bound to come out any moment, and she didn’t want him to see her talking to Joe. “I’m sorry, Joe. It just wasn’t meant to be. We have to go our separate ways.”
“If I thought you loved Richard, I would accept that, but I’ve been watching you two this whole time, and I’m not convinced you love him. You’re with him because you feel like you have no other choice. Look, we’ll be here for two days. If you change your mind, I’ll be waiting outside this hotel every evening past sunset. We can go to Canada. We can still have a future together.”
To her relief, he walked away. Good. The last thing she wanted was for Richard to catch them talking. It was bad enough he knew Joe wanted to be with her. She didn’t need this to complicate things.
Wagon Trail Bride (Pioneer Series Book 1) Page 7