by Zoey Draven
She nodded, bringing him some semblance of relief. “And even though I was your mate, you were still thinking of handing me over to the Mevirax? Knowing what Tavar’s plan was? Knowing that in giving me to them, the Jetutians would come for me?”
A sharp inhale filled his lungs. His voice came out ragged when he replied, “At first, tev.” A sound escaped her and he raked a hand through his hair, needing her to understand everything that went through his mind. “But I would have never allowed you to leave with the Jetutians. That was never part of the plan.”
“So, what was I then?” she asked, her eyes shining with angry tears when she turned her face to regard him. “Bait? Bait, so that you could finally get your revenge after all these years?”
“It was more than revenge, luxiva.”
“Don’t,” she hissed, “call me that.”
Jaxor ran a shaking hand down his face.
“You were always going to give me to them, weren’t you?” she whispered.
“Nix,” he said.
“Then when did that change?” she cried.
“The night I met with them near the base,” he said. She remembered that night, when he’d come back with the mark of Oxandri on his flesh. “Maybe even before.”
“Why then?”
“I was always conflicted about it, Erin,” he burst out, standing from the chair as his voice rose. “From the moment I saw you in the Golden City, I was never the same. I need you to understand that!”
Erin’s lips parted. For the first time, he saw doubt in her features where there’d only been hurt and anger before. She was eyeing him as he paced the room, but there wasn’t enough room to take more than a few strides, just like in his own quarters in the command center. His cell.
“I told you I left the Mevirax to live on my own when I realized that Tavar intended to supply the Jetutians with Luxirian crystals,” he started, trying to calm the thundering in his chest. “But Tavar sought me out when he learned that Vaxa’an had taken a human female as his queen and that there were rumors of other human females living in the Golden City. He told me that Po’grak wanted them back, so much so that the Jetutians would heal a select number of the Mevirax females in exchange. They’d had the means to cure our females all along.
“Tavar knew I was familiar with the Golden City,” Jaxor continued, “because I grew up here. He tasked me with finding and taking the human females that remained. And then we came up with a plan. To renege on the agreement with Po’grak and to secure the vaccine for ourselves. Tavar planned to use it to secure what he’d always wanted: the position of Prime Leader, to return the Mevirax to their rightful home, the Golden City. But I planned something different. I knew Tavar was dangerous, that he could never be the Prime Leader that Luxiria needs—the leader that Luxiria already has. Tavar would never get close to the Golden City with the vaccine because I planned to give it to Vaxa’an myself.”
Erin watched him, staying silent as these things poured from him. He wondered how much of this she already knew, what Tavar had told her.
“And then,” he continued, swallowing hard, “I saw you. My Instinct awakened and I was suddenly faced with the possibility that in continuing with my plans, your safety could not be guaranteed because sometimes even the best laid plans do not unfold as expected.
“So, tev, when I first brought you to my base, in those first few spans, I was struggling with the decision. I tried to keep you at a distance, thinking that it would make my decision easier.”
“Because it wasn’t just me,” Erin said finally, softly. “It was the vaccine too.”
“Tev. The vaccine,” he said, his voice twisting the word bitterly. “I thought I was being selfish, turning my back on my people, if I chose you. But how could I give you up, knowing what might happen? The very thought of handing you over to the Jetutians filled with me with such disgust and rage, yet I thought of my own people too. That this was our only chance to help our females. And then you…how could I trade your freedom for that? What right did I have to make that choice for you, when you’d already had so many choices ripped away from you?”
Erin looked down into her lap and he hoped that she was beginning to understand why he’d done what he’d done.
“So, tev, I lied to you when you asked of the Mevirax, but when I told you those things, I had already decided to keep you safe from them,” he said softly. The torment of feeling intense relief and shame from that decision still burned in his chest. Erin met his eyes, something like surprise in her expression. “I thought that you did not need to know about the previous plan because it was never going to happen.”
Jaxor couldn’t have won either way. The moment he’d chosen his female, he’d turned his back on his people. But now, his female didn’t trust him because he’d lied about it. He’d lied about so much.
“When you ask me if I ever cared for you,” he said, his voice so ragged that he heard the pain in it, “maybe now you will understand.”
“Because you chose me over the vaccine,” she whispered, stunned, her eyes shining and wet.
“I am not a good male,” he said softly. “I have lied. I have betrayed those that were once close to me. I turned my back on my brother when he needed me most. I have grown angry and callous with time and there is no possible way that I will ever be the male that deserves a female like you, but I hope that you never need to question what I feel for you again. No matter what happens.”
Erin stared at him for a long time, processing his words. He could see how they exhausted her, how they took a toll on her.
Finally, she asked, “And what of your brother?”
“What about him?”
“Why did you lie about that too?” she asked, though her voice didn’t hold the venom it held earlier. “Maybe you didn’t exactly lie, but you certainly didn’t tell me.”
“It did not…” he trailed off, unsure how to put it into words. “It no longer seemed important who my brother was.”
“You don’t think it’s important that your brother is the Prime Leader?” she asked.
“In my mind,” he started, “that life was no longer mine to claim. I used to be a prince of Luxiria. But I stopped being one the moment I left to seek out the Mevirax. It was like a death. I would not sully my brother’s name in returning to the Golden City as Jaxor’an.”
“So you became Jaxor,” she finished. “It was why you were so angry when I called you by the name Cruxan had given you. I heard him call you Vaxa’an. I thought…”
She trailed off.
“In our language, only the royal bloodline can add on the clarifier to our chosen names. It is a sign of high respect.”
“And you didn’t think yourself worthy of it,” she whispered, finishing the thought for him.
Jaxor’s gaze went down to his chains.
“I could not offer you that life,” he said softly. “The life you would have had as my mate, if I were still Jaxor’an. It embarrassed me, just the mere thought of telling you about who I was. Because you would see how far I’d fallen.”
“You thought I would reject you because you were no longer a prince of Luxiria?” she asked.
He blew out a breath. “I should have told you regardless, rixella. I know that. There is much that I would change if we started again.”
“I don’t think that’s possible for us, Jaxor,” Erin said softly. “To start again.”
The words hurt more than Jaxor expected. They felt…final. And though he would rather eat shards of glass than ask the question, he still asked it. “Will you return to Earth now that the crystal has been recovered?”
He hadn’t thought much beyond seeing Erin again. But now, he knew that his trial loomed. He knew that he would either be exiled or sentenced to death for his crimes against the Golden City, for his crimes against Erin and Crystal. There was very little chance he’d be pardoned.
“Is that what you want?” she whispered.
Maybe it would be better if she left befo
re the trial, so she doesn’t see the verdict, he thought. But Jaxor was trying to take his brother’s advice. He was trying to forgive himself for his actions, to make peace with them. He’d told his brother he wanted to be a better male for Erin’s sake, to be worthy of her, to be proud of the male he was.
“I want you to be safe,” he rasped, his gaze connecting with her own. “I want you to be happy, no matter where you might be.”
She was crying again, soft tears tracking down her face.
And because he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he didn’t ask it, he asked, “Is there no hope for us, rixella? Have I ruined this beyond repair?”
He didn’t know if they’d even have time to repair it, but he needed to know regardless. She’d once asked him, would you ask me to stay if you could?
Right then, Jaxor had nothing to lose.
“I don’t know,” she whispered, wiping at her damp cheeks. “Hearing the things that Tavar told me…it broke my heart thinking that I never really knew you at all.”
Anguish burst in his chest at her words.
“And then I saw you in the forest after Po’grak attacked me,” she said, looking at him with glittering eyes, “and I felt all these things come back to me. And even then, even when I believed that you had betrayed me, I was still so relieved to see you, so happy even though I felt it tear me in half. I just don’t know. I’m so confused.”
A sob tore from her throat and Jaxor went to her, pressing his forehead against her, trying to calm her. And though she might not want him near, she still seemed to settle down at his touch.
Erin cried softly for long moments as Jaxor stroked her hair. He remembered the sight of her that night. She’d looked haunted. She’d lost weight. She’d been so weak, her skin as thin as parchment. And all Jaxor had wanted was to protect her at all cost. All he’d wanted was to tear the throat out of anyone who had brought her harm—even himself.
He’d realized in that moment that he loved her. He loved her as her blood was pooling around her in that dark forest. He would never forget the terror he’d felt right then, thinking that she would be lost to him forever.
It marked him like a physical scar.
And right then, holding her as she cried…Jaxor felt like he was losing her all over again.
Chapter Forty-Four
“Why didn’t you tell him?” Crystal asked softly, gently.
It was two days later and she hadn’t seen Jaxor since he’d come to her room. Hadn’t seen him since Privanax came inside and told him to leave, that he was upsetting her too much in the state she was in.
The torment on Jaxor’s face as he left, as if there were a million things he still needed to say, stayed with her. She saw his expression every time she closed her eyes. She saw him when she dreamed.
“Why I didn’t tell him that I’m pregnant?” Erin asked. “I don’t know. It wasn’t…it wasn’t the right time.”
And didn’t that make a hypocrite out of her? Keeping something that important from him, when she’d been angry that he hadn’t told her about his brother?
“Everything is just…so wrong right now,” she added.
Lainey was also in her room. She and Crystal had come earlier with food and to keep her company. After her conversation with Jaxor, Erin had been asleep for a long time—no doubt because Privanax had pumped her with a sedative because she’d been so upset. He’d told her to keep her stress levels down, that the baby had already been put under a lot of it.
All the women were present in the Golden City apparently. Vaxa’an had called his Ambassadors to the Golden City, in preparation for their attack on the Jetutians and the Mevirax, and they had stayed for the week, considering there was much to be done. Considering they still didn’t know what to do with the remaining Mevirax or how they would handle the distribution of the treatment once Privanax ran his tests on it.
But she had learned that Kossira was present in the Golden City too. She had learned that Tavar had died on the Jetutian spaceship and Erin wanted to speak with her, wanted to make sure that she was okay. Laccara had also survived, and though she was apparently also in the medical bay in Privanax’s labs, Erin hadn’t seen her. All she remembered of Laccara were her screams and the determined gleam in her eyes when the needle slipped into her flesh.
Erin swallowed, bringing the cup of hot tea to her lips for a sip. It tasted bitter, but apparently it was Privanax-approved.
Lainey had been uncharacteristically quiet during their visit. Erin had already noticed the change in her since she’d joined with Kirov. A positive one. And while Lainey would always be Lainey, there was a calmness to her now, whereas before, she’d been a little confrontational, a little angry.
“Do you love him?” Crystal asked.
“Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know him,” Erin confessed instead of answering the question since it made her feel restless and achy.
Erin had told Lainey and Crystal everything since their capture from the Golden City. About Jaxor, about his base, about their time together, even about the sex. Then she’d told them about the Mevirax. About the dungeon, about Kossira, about that night on the Jetutian ship. She hadn’t even told Jaxor what she’d experienced.
Crystal had been crying as she told her story and Lainey had sat very still with pressed lips and clenched fists, as if she wanted to punish the Mevirax and the Jetutians herself.
She was grateful to have friends like them. Friends that cared for her, that loved her, just as she loved them.
“I don’t know what to do,” Erin confessed.
“You don’t have to decide now,” Lainey said. “You’re staying on Luxiria because of the baby and I’m selfishly pretty happy about that.”
She was trying to make Erin laugh and it worked.
“You have time,” Crystal assured her.
“Do I, though?” Erin asked, nibbling her lip. Her back hurt from being laid up in bed all day, but at least the wound on her chest had started to ache less. Sometimes she forgot that she’d been stabbed at all, but then she’d have nightmares of Po’grak on top of her, and—
She shook her head, inhaling a deep breath through her nostrils. No stress, she reminded herself. For the baby’s sake.
Which was easier said than done. Jaxor’s trial was looming. Crystal had learned that it would take place sometime next week. And her stress levels shot through the roof when she thought about that. So she tried to avoid thinking about it…which was almost impossible.
“Privanax said you’ll be released from the labs tomorrow,” Lainey said, changing the subject because she knew it was a touchy one. “You’ll come stay with us on the terrace and you’ll get some much-needed sunshine and food and you’ll feel better. It will clear your mind, I promise.”
Erin nodded, understanding what went unspoken. Maybe then she’d be able to think more clearly about the situation with Jaxor. Maybe then she would be able to make a decision…before it was too late.
Chapter Forty-Five
“I was hoping to speak with you,” Erin said in a breathless rush after she approached Vaxa’an on the terrace in his hovercraft. He was helping Kate off the back. He dropped her off in the mornings so she could be with the other human females while he went to the command center. The baby was in her arms.
He was cooing and babbling, waving his arms, which reflected golden in the sunlight. Ollie was his name. Technically, it was Kollix’an, but that was a mouthful, so the human women simply called him Ollie. And he was the sweetest thing.
Vaxa’an looked down at Erin. She marveled that she hadn’t recognized the similarities between him and Jaxor. They had identical eyes, for one. And while Erin had thought Jaxor looked familiar to her, she hadn’t known Vaxa’an very well, or studied him very long, to make the connection.
But now, it was undeniable. It was even difficult to meet his eyes.
Vaxa’an jerked his head in a nod, powering down the hovercraft and jumping down. Erin released the nervous b
reath she’d been holding.
Kate touched Vaxa’an’s arm, looking at Erin, and said, “I’ll leave you two alone.”
Vaxa’an watched as she disappeared into Lainey and Kirov’s home, where Erin had been staying. Most of the women gathered there during the day, to spend time with each other, to marvel at Ollie, and talk and laugh and eat. Erin had to admit…it felt good. To be with her friends, to not think of her time in the dungeon, or her heartbreak. It was a welcome distraction. She’d been out of Privanax’s labs for two days, but every moment that passed, Erin grew more and more restless, more and more anxious.
“We have not found the time to talk,” Vaxa’an said, returning his gaze to her. “I regret that.”
“You’ve been busy. You all have,” Erin said. She’d been waiting for Vaxa’an’s hovercraft most of the morning, sitting outside, though she felt a little sweaty from the heat. Even still, she vastly preferred the blinding sunlight and the warmth…to anything.
“You wish to speak about my brother,” Vaxa’an knew.
“There is a chance for a pardon during his trial, isn’t there?” she asked, not even embarrassed that she didn’t want to waste time with pleasantries. Vaxa’an was a difficult male to pin down, considering he was the Prime Leader. Given everything that had changed—the attack on the Mevirax and the Jetutians, the decisions that needed to be made afterwards, the stress of Jaxor’s trial, and the fact that Vaxa’an had a newborn baby—he was a busy, busy male.
His nostrils flared, which she didn’t take as a good sign. Even still, he said, “It is possible, tev. Likely? I am not so certain.”
“But you’re the Prime Leader,” she said. Because even after everything Jaxor had done, the thought that he could be sentenced to death or exile for his actions was…unfathomable. Even excruciating to think about. It kept her up at night. “Don’t you have some sort of veto power?”