Lights of the Heart

by Nat Burns

  After they left, I started to ask after Maddie but had a moment of clarity. “Is Sandy Webber nearby? She asked me to come here.”

  The receptionist looked me over disdainfully. “Sandy? Where do you know her from?”

  I gritted my teeth and then forced them to relax. “We work together—at Dr Salas’s office.”

  Her face fell and new terror gripped me. “Alex, take her on back to where Sandy is. In waiting room two,” she told the young man next to her.

  He immediately left the triage area and pressed the button that opened the heavy double doors that led into emergency.

  “So you work with Doctor Maddie?” he asked as I breathlessly tried to keep up with him.

  “I do,” I said. “For most of a year now.”

  He shook his head and a lifeless lock of dark hair bobbed against his forehead. “It’s just awful, what happened. She’s a hero, though, no doubt about that.”

  I was just going to press for more details, but a copiously weeping Sandy, who draped herself in my arms, waylaid me. I nodded my thanks to Alex and guided Sandy to a chair in the crowded waiting room. I saw Sheriff Blackwell, who was smudged with soot and looked like he’d had an awful night. Several firemen were there too, one with a wounded, bandaged arm laying on his chest. I turned my attention back to Sandy and held her by her upper arms so she would look at me.

  “Sandy, where is Maddie? What happened to her?”

  She just shook her head and blubbered on. I let go of her and straightened. I was numb and could not gather my thoughts together to know how to proceed.

  “They took her down for an MRI,” Vance said as he approached us.

  “Mama?”

  A thirty-something woman, blond hair in a low side ponytail, entered the room and made a beeline for Sandy. She carried two cups of coffee, placed them on an end table and sat to pull Sandy into a close embrace.

  “Shh, Mama. It’s going to be all right. You know it is. Real bad things never happen to truly good people. God looks after them. Doc Maddie is gonna be okay, you just wait and see.” She jostled Sandy gently. “Now, Mama, come on. Don’t take on so.”

  She noticed me suddenly and stuck out her hand. “You must be Ella. I’m Cynthia, Sandy’s girl. It’s good to meet you, just the worst of circumstances, though.”

  I took her hand and murmured pleasantries. “So, what exactly happened?” I asked the room in general.

  Sandy straightened and blotted her face with a tissue. “She was out on Gulfstream, right there offa I-10—”

  “A trucker fell asleep at the wheel,” Vance interjected. “He T-boned Darwin Horten’s car as it was turning off I-10 onto Gulfstream. Lizzie, you know Lizzie, well, she was driving and got trapped behind the steering wheel somehow.”

  “She’s pregnant…was pregnant,” Sandy said as she burst into a fresh bout of sobbing.

  “Doc Maddie and the rescue boys were trying to get her out when all of a sudden gas fumes ignited. It musta been gathering fumes under the Horten car. We were checking the truck tank, but the explosion came out from under the car.”

  “You. You mean it exploded? But where was…Doctor Maddie?” I studied his face, with eyes that I knew had to be wide and terrified. I was trying so very hard to keep myself together.

  Vance didn’t say anything right away, just fiddled with his belt buckle with both hands. Finally, he dropped those hands apologetically. “She was…ah…right next to the car. She was thrown free but landed hard against the cinderblock wall of Lou’s Stop and Shop, then fell onto the asphalt. She’s…well, she’s banged up pretty badly but they’re mostly worried about her brain. He called it a traumatic brain injury and…”

  “They say there may be swelling,” Sandy added dully, speaking into a tissue as she rocked back and forth, as if soothing herself. “They are scanning her now to see if they have to operate to relieve the pressure. They’re not sure of how bad the damage is otherwise.”

  My knees gave, and I tumbled to the floor, eased down by Vance’s grasp. I was sure I lost consciousness; I eventually came back to my senses, hearing Sandy calling my name. She and her daughter, Cynthia, were hovering over me, seeming to be truly concerned. I agonized that I couldn’t tell anyone what my Maddie meant to me. All I could do was weep, curled into a fetal curve onto the hard, stained carpet of that waiting room floor.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Maddie

  I imagined I was back in the womb, and I perplexed myself by wondering how I could have such cognition while wrapped in the soft, warm fluid of my mother’s body. Surely infants weren’t self-aware before birth. The leading literatures said that came much later, if I remembered correctly, at about fifteen to twenty months. I shifted one hand, to touch the walls of the uterus, but pain rebounded throughout my entire body, finally stopping to set up a home in my head. It throbbed and my hands formed into claws. I wanted to rip off my head, but the effort just seemed to be too much. I drifted, rolling into each throb as it happened, riding them just so I could bear the pain.

  I thought it was another time. The throbbing had stopped, finally, and I took in a deep breath.

  “Don’t move, sweetie,” a kind, female voice said next to me. “This shouldn’t take long. We just want to see what’s going on in that pretty head of yours.”

  I lurched forward on some kind of hard bed, and the movement sent what felt like shards of glass throughout my entire body. I moaned and crawled toward complete consciousness but found a locked steel door blocking me. I wasn’t sure whether it was in my mind or real. Loud knocking surrounded me, and I screamed aloud. The effort made my whole body spasm, and I went dark again.

  The next time I opened my eyes, I saw only darkness. For a moment, I thought I had lost my vision, but then pale shadows emerged from the darkness. A fuzziness persisted in front of my eyes and I blinked them to clear it away. It didn’t work.

  I remembered visiting Mama with my mami. She was speaking to me, but I couldn’t understand her. The subtle movements of her mouth were familiar, and when Papa spoke to her, I realized it was Spanish. Of course, I thought with some amusement. The heavy, wet air meant I was in Puerto Rico. I could hear the amazingly loud chirping calls of the coqui, the tiny green frogs snug in their tree nests as they called for lovers to come for conjugal visits.

  My cousin, Paco, threw the ball at me, and it was so heavy that it knocked me to the dirt and gravel street in front of my grandmother’s house. A rock split my thigh, and the pain shot along my nerves like a scorching brand.

  “Mama!” I cried out. My grandmother left the porch and lifted me, all the while scolding Paco. She told him he was too big, bigger than me, and he needed to take care—cuidado, cuidado.

  My neck was throbbing, harder than the worst headache I’d ever had. I whimpered, and I was in class. It was Foster’s Prep, in Manhattan. I’d caught the eye of Darla Wright Johns, one of the prettiest girls in our school. She was smart too and—God, I would never be smart again. I wept, and it made my head throb as hard as my neck. My back ached.

  “Don’t do that, Paco. Cuidado. Mama says cuidado,” I muttered.

  “What did you say?” someone asked. The voice was familiar, yet not.

  “Mami? Are you there, Mami? Paco hurt me, and Mama says—”

  “Maddie?”

  “Corinthia Salas! You march back up there, right now, and apologize to your father. I will not have a daughter of mine speak to an adult in such a manner. Dios Mio! Ahora, dile lo sientes.”

  “Papi. Lo siento, Papi.” I wept and buried my face in his shoulder. He patted my back and cold fingers held my hand. They weren’t his short, stubby fingers, but long, slender ones.

  “A woman,” I muttered. “Who is that woman?”

  The smell of rubbing alcohol inundated me, and I remembered being in medical school. Texas women were a different breed, not like women anywhere else in the United States. At least none of the states I’d been in. I’d been a little afraid of them, intimidated
by their overt assertiveness.

  Cold touched my arm, and the pain left me. I balled up my fist and felt no throb resulting from the movement. My fist slammed hard to one side and connected forcefully with something. It was soft and fortunately didn’t cause more pain.

  I kissed Darla one day, after what passed as our fitness hour. Her lips were chapped from the December winds, and they felt rough beneath mine. She had asked for the kiss, but I had hesitated. Suppose it was a prank meant to embarrass me? Could I trust her? I heard footsteps behind me, and we both turned to find the very formidable Mrs. Anthony, of the Greek classics class, approaching us. We broke apart and scattered in two different directions.

  “I wet my pants,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s okay, Dr Salas. You’re catheterized,” someone said and patted my hand. I smelled Heavensent perfume. My mami didn’t wear that. She wore Chanel. Was I a doctor?

  “Doctor, doctor, doctor,” I said, trying on the word. It sounded nice but didn’t fit.

  I heard people talking in hushed tones, but there were weighty strings laying across my lips, several thick ones, and I brought a hand up to brush them away. I hit sharp edges instead, and something crashed loudly. It made my head throb once again, and I whimpered and moaned.

  “Make it stop, can’t you make it stop, Mami? I won’t be rude to Papi. The rice was not really burnt, though, just so you know.”

  A welcome, comforting heat washed across me. Then I was back in my mother’s womb, and the pain faded into the background. I began to sing. My grandmother sang this song to me when I was a baby.

  “But wait,” I told her. “I’m not born yet. Wait until I am born. Then you can sing to me, and I can sing it with you. Here no one can hear me.”

  I wept, wanting to be heard.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Ella

  My first sight of Maddie after the accident caused my heart to clench in my chest and my eyes, which I had thought completely cried out, to well up again. Sandy and I clung together like two castaways in an ocean devoid of land.

  “Oh, God, she looks awful,” Sandy said quietly. “Do you think she’ll ever be okay?”

  I sighed deeply. “She has to, Sandy. It’s like Cynthia said, she’s good people.”

  My insanity had stepped aside for a while, allowing me to focus on the here and now. I assessed Maddie with a medical eye.

  She was banged up, no doubt about it. Her right eye was bright red and swollen shut, her bottom lip split. Her right arm was splinted, and there was a cage under her blankets; no doubt her legs were bruised, maybe even abraded from the asphalt. The little finger on her left hand was splinted, so it was probably broken as well. I could not even imagine the level of pain she was experiencing.

  A nurse strode rapidly into the room and hung a new IV bag. She smiled and nodded at us. “Y’all can come close, but I think it’ll be some time before she comes back to herself. We think her head was banged pretty hard.” She paused and looked down at Maddie. “Poor little thing,” she added. “You know, my granddaddy goes to see her, has been since she took over for Dr Pembroke. I just hate that this has happened to her.”

  I let Sandy go and moved closer to the bed. I wanted so badly to touch her that my hands shook. “Me too,” I agreed softly.

  “I know she looks a sight, all swollen and all, but you’d be surprised how the body can heal itself. You two need anything just let me know.” She turned to go but turned back. “Don’t try to move her or even wake her up. She needs to rest now, more than anything.”

  “Sandy, what happened out there?” I asked a short time later. I was blinking back tears but managing to keep my face immobile as stone. I couldn’t let Sandy see how I really felt about Maddie. Breaking down in the waiting room had been more than enough exposure.

  Sandy was studying the monitoring machines. “Gas fumes can be lit really easy. It doesn’t take much.”

  “Why didn’t the rescue guys clear the area? I mean, isn’t that standard procedure?” I couldn’t help the sharp tone that invaded my voice.

  She looked up at me. “You heard Vance. She was trying to deliver Lizzie, but they couldn’t get her out of the car.”

  I looked down at Maddie’s bandaged, tubing-pierced hands and suddenly flashed back to those hands moving on and in my body. I closed my eyes, wanting very badly to feel that again. I vowed then and there that I would again. Whatever it took, I would bring Maddie back to me. I trembled inside, fear overtaking me. What if…? No, I couldn’t think that way. Maddie was my love. It had taken me so long to find her…

  “Oh, no,” Sandy said and I swiveled my head to gape at her.

  “What?”

  “Her aunt lives just west of town. We need to let her know, but I’m not sure how to contact her. I can’t even remember her name.” Sandy’s face wore panic. I had to put her mind at ease.

  “What about those contact forms we keep at the office? The ones that we all fill out for our human resources files. Did she do one?” I looked back at Maddie, and my hands twitched, wanting to touch her. Actually, I wanted to wake her and have her smile that adorable smile at me.

  “Ella, you are a lifesaver. I’m going to run over there and see if I can find it. If I do, I’ll call her aunt. Will you be okay here? They’re gonna run us out of here soon so they can do the next meal, though I don’t suppose she’ll get one. The cafeteria’s on the second floor, if you want to duck out then come and stay here at the hospital a little longer.”

  I turned to her. “Thank you, Sandy. I…I’m sorry about earlier. It’s just such a shock.”

  She took one of my hands in hers and patted it repeatedly. “That’s perfectly all right, sweetie. It’s hit us all hard. You just never think something like this will happen to someone you…you know.”

  A sob shook her, and I drew her into my arms. “Let’s focus on the most important stuff and we’ll get through this,” I said in my calmest voice. “While you’re at the office, why don’t you pick up the day list sheet for today? We’ll need to call and cancel with everyone.”

  She grabbed up her leather pocketbook from the chair, suddenly filled with purpose. “Oh, heck yeah. I also need to see if I can find another doctor close by who can fill in for her. You know, just till she gets back on her feet.” She glanced nervously at the bed. “Well, I’ll go. If she wakes up…well, you tell her Sandy says hey, will you do that?”

  “Of course I will, Sandy. Now, scoot on. I bet you have a line of early patients waiting for you already.” I made a shooing motion toward the door.

  Alone with Maddie, I could finally relax my shoulders. I felt like a tulip after the first frigid frost of fall. My body—my stem—had weakened, and I wasn’t sure I could remain upright any longer. I dragged the chair closer to the bed and sat, my hand stroking Maddie’s unsplinted arm. I wondered if she could feel me, if she knew I was near.

  “Maddie? Maddie, honey. I’m here. Come back to me, my darling. Do you remember the conference?” I smiled and pressed my forehead to her forearm, stilling my hands. “The fun we had skating? My legs still hurt.”

  How stupid was that? I thought, to talk about my minor pain when the agony that she must be… I shook my head. I needed food and more coffee if I was going to be with her.

  “Maddie? Honey, I need to go downstairs for just a minute. But I’ll be back, I promise.” I sobbed suddenly and unexpectedly, and my cheeks warmed with hot, fresh tears. “Damn it,” I muttered. I mopped at my eyes with my sleeve. “Okay. I’m going but not for long. Just for coffee. I’ll tell them at the nurses’ station so you won’t be alone, okay?”

  I moved to the door, walking backward, watching her, willing her to smile and respond. There was no movement. It was like my Maddie had gone away.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Maddie

  People surrounded me. They were talking, but I couldn’t understand them. The words pounding against my eardrums hurt very badly, however, and I wanted to t
ell them to talk more quietly. To my horror, I realized I couldn’t tell them. The words wouldn’t come to me. I could think them but only briefly before they drifted away. Also, the strings still lay across and in my mouth, stitching it closed, and my tongue lay limp and useless inside my mouth.

  “Do you think she hears us?” a voice asked.

  I was excited that I understood. But who was that? I knew that voice. It saddened me that it wasn’t my mother, and I sobbed helplessly. I wasn’t prone to tears, so my reaction confused and horrified me. But only momentarily. My thoughts followed the idea of my mother, and I saw her walking away. As she walked, she visibly aged until she crumbled into dust right before my eyes.

  “Mami!” I screamed, but I thought it was only in my mind. I raced after her. My hands reached out, but they only brushed her shirt before she disintegrated completely. My heart felt as though it had torn in two. I had lost everything that meant anything to me.

  “Time to go back, mi corazon. It is not your time yet,” my mother whispered. Her face appeared before me. I fell into her deep brown eyes, pillowing my head on the creases that surrounded those eyes. Laugh lines, I thought.

  A woman comforted me by patting my hand. I didn’t know her, but I admired her deep green eyes and thick blond hair. She was crying, as well.

  “Was she your mother too?” I asked in my mind. “Are you my sister? I never had a sister.”

  A larger woman drew me into her arms. She smelled familiar, but her words were in English, and I couldn’t grasp what she was saying. I pulled back and looked at her with one eye. The other eye wouldn’t work, for some odd reason. She wasn’t my mother either, and I wept anew. I was two years old, alone in a cold, teetering world, and I wanted the security of my mother, or at the very least, my grandmother.

  I fell into a deep hole and serenely pulled it in after me.

  I woke at night. My arm was throbbing, and I tried to lift it. It was too heavy, so I raised my head to see what was wrong. The entire arm appeared stark white in the dimness. I realized that I was in a hospital bed. A nasal cannula was forcing frigid oxygen into my nose, and my throat felt raw from it. Or had I been screaming? I really didn’t know.