Breaking Through (The Breaking Series Book 3)

by Juliana Haygert

  I looked down at my boots, to hide my cheeks, which were probably scarlet red. “I know.” What, did he think I didn’t know what he thought about me? What he said the other day, about me being an amazing girl hiding behind a wall … well, the hiding behind a wall was right, but I was sure he threw that amazing in there to make me feel better about my messy feelings, about my scarred soul. He thought I was damaged, broken, like everyone who knew about what had happened. And I guess they were right. With my fears and my panic attacks, I certainly wasn’t anywhere near being whole.

  “All right.” He stepped back into the stable. “Come with me.”

  I followed him, taking note of each step, each stall we walked by, until we were crossing the back gates into the arena out back.

  “Where are we going?”

  Gui pointed to another set of gates on the other side of the arena. “To the round pen.”

  “Oh-kay,” I muttered. I barely knew what stable and arena meant. If he started throwing specific horse-related terms my way, I wouldn’t follow.

  He chuckled. “You know what a round pen is, right?” I stared at him, letting my silence do the talking. “Wait. You’ve been around horses all your life.”

  “Nope, I haven’t. They have been behind my house all my life, but I stopped going near them when I was four. End of story.”

  He narrowed his eyes at me, probably remembering the story I told him the other day. “A round pen is a closed place to train horses, and it happens to be round. Some are reinforced—” He pointed to a third set of gates to our left. “—for horses like Argus.” He halted beside the wooden fence that made up the round pen he had led me to. “And some are just regular round pens for basic training, like this one.”

  Movement caught my sight, and I leaned closer to the fence, spying between the wood boards. “Belle is here.”

  “Sim. I brought her here before you arrived.”

  I jerked my head to him. “What time did you get here?”

  He shrugged. “About thirty, forty minutes ago.”

  Why had he arrived so early, even earlier than I had? Wasn’t he busy with training and promoting his team?

  I closed my eyes and inhaled.

  Okay, Hilary, stop questioning everyone’s intention. Not everyone has a hidden agenda.

  At least I hoped not.

  Nevertheless, I believed Gui pitied me, was sympathetic with my cause, and for some inexplicable reason, decided to help the troubled girl. I wouldn’t waste my time explaining to him how I hated pity and sympathy, because I knew he would bail once I did, and I kind of needed someone to help me with this. As much as I hated asking for help, I knew I couldn’t scratch this item off my list alone.

  “Okay, so … what now?”

  “Now.” Gui climbed the fence, swung his legs to the other side, and sat atop of it. “We just get used to this.” He opened his arms to the round pen.

  “Oh-kay,” I said, not really sure what he wanted me to do.

  He chuckled. “Come on up, Hil. The fence won’t bite you.” I stared at him. “Well, it might have a few splinters, but those don’t count as bites, so …”

  I sucked in a quick breath and climbed up the fence. Swinging my legs to the other side, now that was a challenge. I swung one leg, straddling the fence, and my body swayed to the side. I was sure I would lose my grip on the fence until Gui closed his hands around my forearms and steadied me. I froze, staring at his hands on my skin. A man’s hands on me. And it didn’t make my stomach roll in disgust or fear. No, but it certainly made me anxious—if that was the first step before fear, or anxiety for something else different, I couldn’t tell nor did I want to. I wasn’t ready to overanalyze anything.

  With Gui’s strong hands guiding me, I swung my other leg over the fence and sat a good two feet away from him. When he was sure I wouldn’t fall, he retreated to his side.

  “So …” I said, looking at Belle, who trotted in the round pen. At first, I thought she was distressed by being here, but now looking at her, she seemed to be playing.

  “So …” Gui repeated.

  “What do I do?”

  “I meant it. We sit here and let you get used to being here with Belle close by.”

  “But we could have done that in her stall, like we did the last time.”

  He shook his head. “It’s not the same thing. There you had her door between you, and she didn’t have a lot of space to run. Here, she’s free, more or less, and you’re on the inside of the fence.” He looked at my legs for a brief second, and then returned his gaze to the mare in the pen. “Even though I would like to see you standing in the pen with Belle, I think giving some distance from where she is but still being close is a good first step.”

  It made sense. In her stall, with her stall door between us, she couldn’t hurt me. It was a controlled environment. Here, she was out in the open and I was inside the fence. If I were to stand inside with her, there would be nothing between us. Belle was good mare, but I was nervous around horses. If I spooked her, the situation would be more complicated to control.

  Gui fell silent, his gaze on Belle. For the first ten minutes or so, I also focused on Belle. She was a good-looking horse, with strong legs, long neck, and shiny brown coat. Even though she wasn’t the youngest out there, she was energetic and playful.

  Perched up here, it was easy to enjoy this moment. To feel eager about moments to come. I would never be like Hannah and Bia, but looking at Belle now, I felt quite hopeful that I could also love horses someday, just like them. Well, maybe not all horses, but one horse. One mare, actually.

  A breeze blew by, whipping my hair across my face. I turned my face in the direction of the wind and ran a hand around my ear, tucking in the messy strands. As I was about to return my gaze to Belle, my eyes caught Gui’s. He was staring at me. Just staring. His jaw was tense, his lips pressed into a thin line, the slightest wrinkle on his forehead. He looked serious, almost painfully so.

  Did it hurt him so much to look at me?

  My sixteen-year-old self would have asked him what he was staring at without hesitation. My nineteen-year-old self? This version of me wanted to hide, to jump off the fence and run to her car and pretend this never happened.

  I tucked in my chin in my chest, letting my hair fall like a curtain between us, so I could compose myself before I broke down right here, right now.

  “Don’t hide,” Gui said, his tone low but sure. “I’m sorry if I keep staring, but you’re just too beautiful. Don’t … you don’t need to hide.”

  My head snapped back to him, and I gaped at him in shock. He thought I was beautiful?

  I remembered being called beautiful hundreds, thousands of times before. I remembered hearing I would be stunning when older even more times. However, that was all before what happened to Hannah and me. Before the news spread and everyone in our circle, in our town knew what Eric had done to us. Before he left me damaged and broken, and I became the hottest gossip around for months. Before everyone looked at me with pity and sympathy. Since then, nobody had told me I was beautiful, not anymore.

  Gui could be teasing me, playing a trick on me, but he wasn’t that cruel, was he? I didn’t know him that well to know if he was capable of such things.

  I didn’t know him well enough. Truth be told, I didn’t know him period.

  The fear of being around horses was replaced by my deepest, scariest fear: of being alone with a man.

  Panic filled my chest, rising within my throat. The shock froze me and I barely breathed.

  Gui noticed my reaction and retreated. “It’s okay, Hilary. You’re fine. I promise I won’t hurt you. I will never hurt you.” He jumped off the fence, inside the round pen, to give me more space.

  Regardless, the panic attack had already started, and I could do nothing to stop it now.

  I held on to the fence to try to stop the shaking. I closed my eyes and focused on trying to stop my vision from blackening, and on my lungs to try to stop the rapi
d breathing, the shallow gulps. Nothing worked.

  Something snapped in me and the dam broke. I wanted to run from here, to hide in my car, inside Hannah’s house, anywhere but here. I didn’t want Gui to see me like this.

  Still shaking, I swung my legs over the fence. My foot caught on the highest board, pulling me backward, making me unstable, and with the momentum, I tumbled toward the round pen. Somehow my flailing arms worked and caught one of the boards, pausing my fall. My right shoulder and hip hit the fence, and I didn’t even yell when the pain exploded in my limbs.

  My vision darkened a little more, making me dizzy, nauseated. I wanted to scream, to run, to crawl out of my skin. I think I tried doing all that, but I was lost. Lost in my mind, swimming in panic and debilitating fear.

  Gui knelt before me. He was speaking, but I couldn’t hear him. I could barely see him. Suddenly, he jumped up and turned his back to me, his arms to the side, trying to signal someone, keep something away? I remembered a part of my brain asking what he was doing, but it was a small part. The rest was taken up by my feelings, my uncontrollable emotions.

  Then warm hands closed around my shoulders. Eric’s face appeared before my eyes, and I screamed. I screamed because my life, my soul depended on it.

  “Hil,” I heard him calling me. “Hilary.” I didn’t remember his voice being this soft, this … feminine. “Hilary, are you hearing me?” His face transformed. His hair grew out, his nose and chin thinned, his eyes became green, and then Eric wasn’t Eric anymore. “Hilary, snap out of it!” Hannah’s beautiful face was two inches from mine. With her hands still gripping my shoulders, she shook me hard. “Hilary!”

  Eric wasn’t here. Eric was never here. Eric was locked away, in a wheel chair, and he could never hurt me again.

  The scream faded, leaving my throat raw. “Hannah,” I croaked.

  She let out a long, relieved sigh and embraced me. “Thank God,” she whispered.

  Taking a deep breath myself, I let my head fall on her shoulder. The fight left me. The panic dulled to a numbing sensation, leaving me empty, listless.

  Slowly, the world came into focus again.

  Gui was holding Belle’s reins across the round pen, tension and strain visible in his face, in his arms. Belle jerked against him, and he held her down.

  Hannah followed my line of sight.

  “Belle got spooked when your …” She glanced back at me. “When your attack started. Gui held her back, even though she fought him the entire time.”

  I rubbed my eyes, trying to get rid of the dull pain in my head. “How long did it last?” From experience, I knew that my notion of time was lost when the attacks started. Sometimes I thought it lasted for hours, but it was only a few minutes, and sometimes I thought it lasted for only a minute, but it was much longer.

  “I’m not sure. I got here about ten minutes ago, but my guess is that Gui has been holding Belle back much longer than that.”

  I still stared at him and he stared back at me with worried eyes. Or was it pity? Or maybe it was only fatigue from having to hold the spooked mare for so long. Poor Gui. I wouldn’t blame him if he never wanted to help me again.

  “Help me get out of here,” I said low, my throat still hurting.

  Hannah hooked her arm around my waist and helped me up. My legs were still numb and wobbly, making me too heavy for Hannah alone. I leaned against the fence, trying to move by myself. I wanted to get out of the round pen so Gui would be able to stop fighting Belle.

  “Can you give me a hand?” Hannah asked, looking behind me.

  I looked over my shoulder and saw Jimmy walking up to the round pen. Nodding, he opened the gate and passed one of my arms around his shoulders. Hannah still clutched my waist. Together, they carried me out of the round pen. Jimmy pulled the gate closed.

  “I didn’t lock it,” he yelled.

  “I got it,” Gui answered.

  Despite everything, I glanced over my shoulder and saw Gui walking across the round pen toward the gate, his expression closed and his eyes on me.

  Chapter Ten

  Jimmy and Hannah laid me on the sofa, and Hannah pulled a blanket over me. I was still shaking, but I didn’t tell her it wasn’t from cold. It was the remnants of the panic attack.

  Jimmy retreated to the door and Hannah followed him. They exchanged a few words, all whispers, then he left and she knelt beside me.

  “What can I do for you?” she asked, concern written all over her face.

  “I just need to rest and calm down.”

  “All right.” She looked me up and down a few times. “You’ve got a bruise on your shoulder.” She pointed to a bright red spot on my shoulder. “Does it hurt?”

  I was still numb. Nothing hurt. The only things I felt were mortification and exhaustion. “Not yet.” Remembering I had hit more than just my shoulder, I lifted my T-shirt and saw the reddish mark on the side of my waist too.

  “What do you remember?” my sister asked, her voice gentle, cautious.

  I didn’t really want to think about it anymore, but I also had a few questions. “Hm, I’m not sure. The panic started and I tried to run. I didn’t want Gui to see me like this,” I muttered, embarrassed. “But I ended up falling inside the round pen. By then panic had already consumed me.” I didn’t want to tell her I had seen Eric … I wouldn’t. “How did you get there?”

  “I was coming back early from a private lesson with two young sisters. I hadn’t seen anything until Gui called me. He was holding Belle back. I handed off the girls to Jimmy and rushed to the round pen. Then Gui told me you had fallen. He wanted to help you, but because you were already having the attack, he wasn’t sure if touching you was the best way to go or not. Before he could decide what to do, Belle got spooked and he held her back until I arrived.”

  I sucked in a long breath. “How long was that?”

  “Accordingly to Gui, it was about thirty minutes.” Her tone was low, careful as if she didn’t want to admit that to me.

  Oh my gosh, Gui held Belle back from me for thirty minutes? No wonder he looked so strained and tired when I came to.

  I buried my face in my hands.

  “Shhh.” Hannah rubbed my back gently. “It’s okay, Hil. You’re okay now.”

  Taking a deep breath, I looked into her. “Thank you.”

  “For?”

  “I don’t know.” I shrugged. “For being there, for snapping me out of it somehow, for carrying me in here.”

  She waved her hand, dismissing my thank you. “So, are you hungry? Do you need something to drink?”

  Hannah would be over me like a mother hen until I gave her something to do, so I lied. “Yes, I’m hungry.”

  “What do you want?” she asked. I hesitated, not sure what to ask. What would buy me some time to be alone? She filled in the silence for me. “How about a loaded grilled cheese? And some ice tea?”

  “Sounds good,” I lied again. Not that I didn’t like her loaded grilled cheese and ice tea. I liked them, but right now, my stomach didn’t want anything.

  “I’ll also bring ice for those red marks. They look like they will hurt soon.” She jumped up. “Be right back.” She marched to the kitchen.

  Sighing, I laid my head back and closed my eyes.

  The brief memory of the terrors of my panic attack rushed to the front of my mind, and I stifled a sob. A single tear escaped my eye. Then another. And another.

  The front door opened, and I sat up, wiping away the tears.

  Gui stepped inside, his baseball hat in his hands. His brown hair was damp from sweat, I realized. He stayed by the door, eyeing me with worry.

  “Hi,” I said, feeling mortified by what he witnessed.

  “Hey.” He still stood by the door. “Are you okay?”

  I nodded. “I guess so.” A new batch of tears made their way to my eyes, but I wiped them. “I’m sorry about my reaction. Somewhere, deep in my mind, I knew it was you beside me. I knew you would never hurt me. I knew there wa
s no reason for me to panic, but I couldn’t help it. It was stronger than me.” The tears won, and a couple ran down my cheeks. “I kept seeing his face and there was nothing … nothing I could do. I’m—”

  “Hey, hey.” Gui took two steps toward, but stopped, his frame rigid. “It’s okay. I know that. Don’t worry about me.”

  Again, I wiped my tears away as if I could erase all from my mind. “I’m sorry.”

  “Hil, it’s okay. I swear.” His knuckles were white around his hat. “Just tell me if you’re okay now.”

  For some reason, I couldn’t lie to him. “I’ll be okay.”

  Gui stared at me for a minute, his eyes shining with worry or …caution? He was probably afraid of getting close to me again, of triggering another attack.

  Interrupting the awkward moment, Hannah came back from the kitchen with a tray. Looking from me to Gui and back to me, she deposited the tray with my sandwich and drink on the coffee table.

  “Here you go, Hil.” With a forced smile, Hannah handed me the ice pack. Then, she stood, her hands on her back. “Gui, hmm, may I speak with you for a minute? In the kitchen, please?”

  My curiosity piqued as Gui followed my sister into the kitchen, but I lay back on the sofa, holding the ice pack to my shoulder with my eyes closed, just too tired to care about whatever she wanted to talk to him about.

  I wasn’t counting, however, in being able to hear part of their whispers from here.

  Hannah started. “… you doing here? And her? …”

  “Hil said she would help me with something for the wedding …” My sister replied something I couldn’t hear, and Gui continued, “It’s supposed to be a surprise.”

  “…her clothes. That’s not like her.”

  “I guess she wanted to get in the spirit of things.”

  “What things?”

  “Told you. It’s a surprise … won’t tell.”

  Hannah muttered something else, and then came back to the living room. “You didn’t even touch your food.”

  Gui stayed by the hallway door, his eyes cast down.