Because of Kian

by Sibylla Matilde

  I felt a little bit like a fly stuck in a web, unable to move but wanting to. Sensing that this conversation was a bit on the dangerous side. Not a good danger. Not an oh-my-God-this-is-living danger. A queasy sensation squeezed through my stomach, a tight cramp of nausea.

  “Because,” she continued carefully, “it’s wonderful. To be tied up and made love to. And it’s been so long since I’ve had a taste of him.”

  “Who?” I whispered. I had forgotten that this all started with her going on about her boy toy. I was off balance and unnerved.

  She smiled and lightly laughed, toying with the web, fostering my discomfort. “Well, the man who teaches judo to my son… Kian Tierney.”

  The shock of his name ripped through me. This couldn’t be right. She was lying.

  But why would she tell me?

  How would she even know to say anything to me at all?

  And she knew about the kinbaku. How the fuck did she know about that? The only person I’d mentioned that to was Rose. I hadn’t even said anything to Sage.

  “He’s so strong, the way he can just pick me up. And, oh my… so very virile. So good at how he can move, what he can do.” Her expression took on one of pure bliss and her perfectly manicured fingertips clutched at the arms of my salon chair.

  I turned my back and set the blow-dryer down, trying to mask my features. Trying to keep my expression serene. I took a deep breath and steeled myself to finish styling her hair. But hands shook and my chest felt tight.

  “Oh, my dear,” she cooed. “You look positively green. Are you feeling alright?”

  “I just… I’m suddenly a bit shaky. I can get someone else to finish your styling.”

  “Well, this will actually do. I never like how you small-town stylists fix my hair anyway, so I’ll just take that out of your tip.” She smiled. I nodded dumbly, and pulled the cape from her shoulders before accepting the credit card she held out to me. “Why don’t you just go ring me up, hmm?”

  Everything was dreamlike, surreal as I took her card to the receptionist. “Oh, my gosh, Holly McPherson is slumming at our salon,” Belle murmured with a raised eyebrow as she handed me back the card. “My God, she’s annoying. I often wonder what her ex-husband ever saw in her.”

  So that was her name.

  Holly. Holly McPherson.

  And Kian wanted her.

  Again, apparently. He’d had her before.

  Chapter 17 ~ Going to Shit

  My Last Breath ~ Evanescence

  Say Something ~ A Great Big World

  Hurt ~ Nine Inch Nails

  Brynn

  "Another shot of tequila, please."

  I hadn't drank in months, not since I’d decided to try and make things work with Evan back in Beavertail. I was normally afraid of losing control, of skewing my judgment more than it already was, that I avoided alcohol. Honestly, I was afraid of it.

  But Holly’s words had echoed in my brain all afternoon.

  Built like a God.

  You should see how he watches me.

  My insides were raw with a sharp ache. I had to do something. I didn’t want to feel it anymore.

  Sage set the drink before me, looking at me cautiously. “Brynn… are you—”

  I tipped the small glass up to my lips. "Just get me another fucking shot, Sage."

  She studied me with a pained expression for a moment longer, then went back to pour me yet another drink.

  As she set it before me, I tossed it down and that blessed numbness that I craved finally began to seep back in.

  Holly McPherson’s saccharine-sweet smile began to ease from my mind.

  Her cutting words about Kian.

  Kian.

  Can’t… can’t think about Kian.

  “Another shot.”

  This time I didn’t even look at Sage. I couldn’t. I could feel the questions emanating out from her, but I couldn’t go there. I knew if I started talking about it, I’d burst into tears.

  “Thanks,” I murmured before downing the tequila quicly. The burn in my throat was scalding, but it soothed the tight pain.

  I pushed the glass towards her once again, gesturing for her to refill it. But Sage didn’t move. As I looked up at her, I saw her attention was turned just over my shoulder. So I turned as well.

  Kian was here.

  Standing right behind me.

  Showtime.

  Cautiously, he tilted his head. “Brynn, what’s going on?”

  “Why don’t you tell me?” I spat.

  “Brynn, baby…”

  “Don’t! Don’t call me baby. Don’t you dare.” I shot off the stool and pushed by him, weaving towards the back door leading to the alley. I could feel his presence behind me, the heavy falls of his feet.

  “Brynn, wait. What the fuck has you so upset? Is it Evan?”

  Stepping into the night, I rounded back at him. “No, it isn’t Evan. I haven’t seen that fucker for months. This is about you.”

  “You’ve got me at a loss, baby, because I haven’t a clue what has you so riled up.”

  “I said, don’t fucking call me baby!” I shouted and slapped both of my hands hard against his chest trying to shove him away. My rage picked up, fueled by the shots of tequila and the turmoil of my heart. I couldn’t control the words that were coming out of my mouth. I couldn’t control any of it. “Stay the fuck away from me. I should have known.”

  “Known what?” Kian asked, obviously exasperated.

  “I should have known that this was all a bunch of horseshit. Everything. Everything you’ve said and done. All of it. But heard it from the horse’s mouth today. Clear as a bell. Now I know.”

  “What the hell are you going on about? What horse? What the—”

  “Holly… Holly McPherson.” I ground out at him. “Does that name ring a bell?”

  Kian grew wary, and my anger registered a tinge of… maybe guilt? “Her kid is in one of my classes…” he admitted, “but she’s—”

  “She came to get her hair done. Said she had a big night lined up with her kid’s judo instructor. With you.” His incredulous expression only fueled my ire. “She said your name, Kian. She went on and on about it, how you two had fooled around once a while ago, and you’d been after her for more. How you’ve wanted her back for so long,” I sneered.

  “That is complete bullshit, Brynn. I’m not sure what kind of game she’s playing—”

  “She doesn’t know me from Adam. How would she know to talk to me at all?”

  “Maybe she saw you at the gym. Yes, I know who she is. Yes, I teach her kid judo, and she’s fucking hit on me God-knows-how-many times,” Kian ground out. “But I’ve never once reciprocated. Not. Even. Once. I have no idea—”

  “She has no idea who I am. I’ve been so careful.”

  “And why?” Kian asked angrily. “Why are you so careful to keep us under wraps? Because of Evan? Or is there something else?”

  “What? What the fuck are you talking about?”

  “Baby, you’ve been looking for a way to blow this to hell ever since I first saw you. You’re looking for a way out.”

  “How in the hell can you turn this around on me?” I spat back at him. “How in the fuck is any of this my fault? Do you have the slightest inkling how it felt to have her in my chair, to listen to her go on about how long you’ve been after her? About the ropes?”

  “I don’t know what the fuck she’s even talking about,” Kian roared back at me. His temple pulsed with anger.

  I should have been scared. I should have cowered like I always did with Evan. But I was so fired up that I fiercely stood my ground. The agony made me angry. The anger made me strong.

  “How did she know about the ropes then, Kian? Tell me that. You said you’ve never done that here, not before me. But she knows about it. So either you’re lying, or you’ve done it with her since you started with me.”

  Kian shook his head in disbelief. “Tell me you don’t really think that.”

&nbs
p; I stepped back, shaking my head. “I don’t trust you,” I exhaled with a shuddering breath.

  “You’re fucking with me, right?” he whispered, appalled. His expression was all at once fierce and aghast. “You don’t trust me? After everything. After Evan and what you’ve told me. About your tears and the release you found in the ropes. You don’t trust me?”

  I couldn’t answer him. I could only shake my head as tears slipped from my eyes.

  “Talk to me, Brynn,” he growled.

  I whirled around, looking in the lot for my car. I had to get out of here, to get away from this searing ache. I wanted to go home, to lay safe in my bed, to escape this frighteningly painful reality with the darkness of sleep.

  “Say something, Brynn.”

  “I can’t… I can’t do this anymore.”

  Kian shook his head in defeat. “I give up,” he muttered under his breath.

  “Of course you do...”

  Brynn

  I’d over-reacted. It was extraordinarily clear as I came down from my fierce anger.

  After the shock had worn off, I was able to see that bitch for what she was. It was all bullshit. Every bit of it. So obviously targeting me because she wanted Kian. I still hadn’t a clue how she knew about me or the ropes, but her words and Kian’s actions, his simple way of being, were completely at odds. Kian was the most trustworthy man I’d ever known aside from my dad. He’d never lied to me. He’d given me a peace I’d never really known.

  And that ho-bag Holly had found a way to fuck it up. Playing on my insecurity. My fear.

  I fell for it. Hook, line, and sinker.

  You’re looking for a way out.

  Kian was so right. I had been. I had been doing that all along. Because I didn’t deserve his love. I was so incredibly fucked up and would always be timidly watching for things to fall apart. He deserved so much more than me.

  He deserved to be happy.

  Chapter 18 ~ Unfair

  Nutshell ~ Alice in Chains

  Stay ~ Thirty Seconds to Mars

  Breathe Again ~ Sara Bareilles

  Kian

  A few tortuous hours later and she was back.

  Standing in the doorway to my apartment.

  “I’m so sorry.” Her voice was almost inaudible and a fat tear began to roll down her cheek.

  I reached for her, wanting to pull her closer, but she stepped back and shook her head.

  “No,” she whispered out with a shaky breath. “Just… just listen.” Her eyes filled and spilled over, and quiet, wracking sobs pulled at her chest. “I know what Holly said was bullshit. I know that’s not you.” A dainty hand brushed the wetness from her cheeks and she looked up at me. “But you were right. I was looking for an out.”

  I tried to step closer, but again, she stepped back, this time holding up her hand as she fought to control her breathing. Gulping in air and shaking.

  “Because you’re a good man. You deserve so much more than me.”

  “Brynn, I don’t want anybody but you,” I argued fiercely.

  “Maybe not now, not while this is fresh and raw. But, Kian… you’ll go on. You’ll find someone. Someone who’s not…” Her voice trailed off. “I’m so fucked up,” she whispered between hiccupping sobs.

  This time, I ignored her protests and stepped forward before she could react, wrapping her tightly in my arms. Her trembling form shook with quiet sobs, tears pouring down her cheek.

  “Brynn, you can’t just walk away from this. I know this means something to you.”

  “It does. You do. I just can’t… I can’t do this anymore.” Her hands rose to cover her eyes. “I love you too much to do this to you. I’ll go to shit over and over. I’ll fuck things up again and again. And that’s not fair to you.”

  “I don’t want to let you go. I won’t let you go, Brynn.”

  She pulled back slightly, her luminous eyes finding my own burning ones. She was ripping my heart right out of my chest. “You have to. You can’t fix me.”

  “No… fuck,” I groaned, and cupped her face in my hands. She leaned against my palm, and the choking gasps increased. “Stay… stay with me.” I leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips, tasting the saltiness of her tears. “Stay with me, Brynn.”

  As I deepened the kiss, she slowly began to respond. “I can’t,” she sobbed quietly against my lips and followed it with another sweetly sad kiss. “I can’t. I love you too much.”

  “If you love me, then stay.”

  “Kian—” she started, but I cut her off with a hard, desperate kiss.

  I could make her stay.

  I had to.

  I pulled her closer, pressing her body against mine. Wrapping her in my arms and confining her until she felt secure. Her fear was debilitating, pulling her away, but I couldn’t let it win.

  The tighter I held her, though, the more she cried. A burn in my eyes coincided with the jagged pain in my heart. I could taste the tears that ran down her cheeks, taste how badly she wanted to stay.

  I guided her down the hall to my bedroom, pulling her shirt away, my fingers tangling in her hair as her lips nipped at my collarbone. Pushing her down on the bed, I pulled my shirt off and wrenched her jeans down her smooth, soft thighs.

  The scent of her ripped through me, the fine intoxicating blend of Hawaii and her intense arousal, and I collapsed down on her, cradling her delicate form beneath me. Ravenously, I kissed her, pouring my heart into her, trying to nourish her fragile soul with my strength. Her fingertips brushed against the button fly of my jeans, and then I was free, throbbing in her hand and fighting the urge come apart right there.

  Quickly, I shucked off my jeans and she pulled me back to her, settling me between her soft thighs, against her hot, wet center. My hands fisted in her hair, pulling lightly as she moaned against me, against the tight grip as I slowly pushed myself inside her. Her breath caught again, tightening her sweet pussy around me, and my lips explored her damp cheeks.

  “I love you,” she breathed against my neck. “I’ll always love you, Kian.”

  That’s when I knew.

  She was really leaving.

  She was truly saying goodbye.

  “Brynn,” I whispered against her eyelids, “you have to stay.”

  But she only pulled me closer, digging her nails into my lower back with a sob, guiding me to gently glide in and out of her.

  “Stay, baby,” I breathed into the crook of her neck as she tightened rhythmically around my dick, “I love you.”

  “I love you, Kian,” she said with a shaky breath. “I love you so much.” Her hands slid around my body and up my chest to cradle my face. Her sweet lips tasted mine reverently as I rocked against her, and I wrapped my arms tightly around her, sheltering her in the warmth. Our voices hushed. Over and over, she whispered that she loved me. Over and over, I begged for her to stay.

  The slow sweetness began to grow fervent, began to draw on our animalistic, primal desires. With a loud cry, she detonated beneath me, shaking violently with the intensity of her orgasm, and I poured myself inside her. The wetness of her intense passion combined with my explosive release. Our movements slowed as I came inside her, shuddering with ecstasy, still moving to draw out the sensation. It was quite simply the sweetest slide of skin on skin I’d ever felt.

  As we floated back down from the haze of emotion and lust, I realized we hadn’t used a condom.

  In all my life, I’d never been so caught up with someone that I’d been careless.

  But a little part of me, a sadistically warped part of me that didn’t give a fuck what the repercussions could be, tingled with the knowledge that I’d marked her and I’d claimed her. She bore my scent and I’d filled her up.

  Somehow, this would tie us together.

  It had to.

  “Stay… stay with me,” I whispered.

  Her arms tightened around me and she shook with a fragile sounding sob. Her lips pressed hard against the skin of my shoulder as she cr
ied harder, coarse and ragged breaths mixing with agonized weeping.

  “I love you, Kian.” Her fingers combed through my hair as her voice softly caressed my ear with inconsistent hiccupping breaths.

  I didn’t want to sleep. I tried to stay awake, to keep her with me. I held her and loved her with everything I had. But, in the end, I slipped into the darkness, awakening to an empty bed and the realization that she was gone.

  Chapter 19 ~ Alone

  City ~ Sara Bareilles

  The Story ~ Thirty Seconds to Mars

  Brynn

  The melancholy was shriveling my insides.

  He called almost nonstop at first. I didn’t answer the phone. Then he came to my place. I didn’t answer the door. He sent a gazillion text messages. I deleted them without reading a single one.

  Through it all, I missed him.

  Every day, every minute, every second.

  I even fell apart in front of Mattie as I sat picking my food at Sage’s table one night. The kid talked a mile a minute, nonstop, and she had asked me if I was ever going to have kids.

  “Because you’re nice and you’d be a great mommy. And Kian would make a great daddy.”

  And I burst into tears.

  Poor little Mattie was stunned.

  “It’s okay, monkey,” Sage had quickly told her. “Why don’t you go get that soft purple blankie that always makes you feel better. Maybe it will help Brynn feel better, too.”

  “Is she okay, mommy?” Mattie asked tearfully.

  “Yeah, she’s just not feeling very good. Run quick and get it, Mattie.”

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered after the little girl had left the room. “Poor kid. I think I freaked her out.” The blanket did make me feel a little better. Or perhaps it was the sweet little girl who wrapped her warm baby arms around me in a loving hug.

  But I still felt bad for freaking her out.

  So, I decided I needed some time alone. Away from everyone. I couldn’t function like a normal person. Like I was completely out of breath and had no will to inhale.

  Sage sent me a text the following night.