Because of Kian

by Sibylla Matilde

  S: Dinner?

  Me: No, I’m good.

  S: I highly doubt that.

  I just stared at her words, numb and unable to respond. To argue what really was the truth. Spot on.

  S: Sorry. Mattie misses you.

  Me: I miss her too.

  S: We’re all worried about you… all of us.

  Me: All of us?

  S: Me. The guys. Kian.

  Tears instantly filled my eyes as I responded.

  Me: You shouldn’t worry. Any of you. Gotta go.

  I didn’t wait for Sage to respond, but rather quickly shut off my phone. Just seeing his name slayed me. I sat there for a few moments holding it to my heart, trying so hard to keep it in. Trying to keep it together. Everything. To stay strong. More than anything, I wanted his arms around me. I’d never felt more resilient and strong than when he held me.

  Stay… stay with me.

  His voice echoed through my mind, a ghostly whisper calling out to me. A broken plea. A burden of my own fear.

  And the tears started… again. That pissed me off. It was all so much easier before he’d shown me how to cry.

  I had to get out of my apartment. I couldn’t breathe. In a panic, I ran up the stairs to the roof. Out into the star-filled night, looking over the city.

  At some point, all this had to get better, right?

  He’d become all I wanted. I’d been searching for so long, for shelter and strength and… love. And he’d found me.

  He’d found me and… he loved me.

  Goosebumps covered my skin as the cool fall breeze swirled around me. But the cold was welcoming. The physical misery fused with the cracking of my heart, the sharp tearing of my soul.

  So, I closed up. I withdrew into a psychological cocoon of nothing. As was my usual pattern, I closed in. I shut down. I was listless when awake, but mostly I slept.

  I cancelled appointments with clients.

  I cancelled appointments with Rose.

  She was good, but she wasn’t good enough to make sense of my puzzling mind. Not even she could help fill this burning hole in my heart. I was ashamed. I was afraid. I was desperately lonely, but felt the need to dwell in my agony.

  I hated myself for what I’d done. For taking the sweetest thing I’d ever tasted and forcing it away. Cutting it right out of my barely beating heart.

  Some nights, the need was palpable. I dreamed of him, waking with tear-stained pillows. He quite simply held my soul in his hands, and I was a brittle shell without him. Over and over I told myself that I just needed time. Time to forget, to figure out what was next.

  The days passed and, while I didn’t feel better, I did feel less. I took a couple hair appointments out of necessity. Afterwards, I came straight home, shutting off my phone and climbing the stairs to the roof. Avoiding everyone and everything.

  I couldn’t eat. I didn’t want to drink. I only wanted the city lights. Both to remember and forget how it felt to be up here with him. To feel his hands on me, his throaty voice in my ear as he moved against me. It was almost like I could still feel him here as I sat above the city every night.

  To jar the sadness from my bones, I climbed up onto the ledge and leaned way over the ledge waiting for the fear to bring me back to baseline. To take over and erase the purulence that twisted my insides and tortured my soul.

  But I felt nothing.

  Nothing but the burn so deep that I wasn’t sure I’d ever recover. I almost wanted to fall, to forget. To quit obsessing over trying to forget my obsession. Trying to carve the lonely sadness from my chest. Remembering when I had last felt whole.

  It was when Kian had last held me. When he loved me.

  Right before I left him.

  The wind began to pick up, icy with the chill of early fall. But all I felt was the cold trail of tears as they coursed down my cheeks.

  Kian

  The first chance I got, the first time my afterschool kids showed up, I pulled Holly aside. Her eyes lit up as I motioned for her to step out into the hallway with me.

  “I know what you did, Holly,” I started.

  She flashed her most seductive smile and reached up to run a long red fingernail down my chest.

  “I have no idea what you mean, Kian,” she purred.

  In a flash, I slapped her hand away.

  “Drop the fucking act, you evil bitch,” I spat. “You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

  Her smile faltered slightly. “I did you a favor. Just wait until you try me. She’s not half the woman I am.”

  “Ain’t gonna happen.” The emphatic tone to my voice felt cold and surreal. I’d only truly hated a handful of people in my life. My stepfather. Some dickhead from junior high who used to trash-talk my family. Evan.

  And now this fucking bitch.

  “Oh, please, Kian,” she mewled. “You can’t possibly want her more than me.”

  “Bitch, I’d take anyone in the fucking world over you.” As I started into the gym, I glanced back to her with distain. “I feel sorry for your kid, to have a mother like you. So he’s still welcome here. But you’re not. You can drop him off and wait outside. You can have a friend bring him. Or better yet, maybe his dad. Because I’d like to shake that fucker’s hand for cutting you loose.”

  True to my word, I never once took it out on the kid. Wasn’t his fault his mom was such a nasty, awful bitch. He continued to come to my lessons, but, for the most part, Holly stayed outside or had someone else bring him. One time, she started to step into the gym, but with a harsh glare and a motion to the door, she lowered her eyes and left.

  In the first couple days, I tried to see Brynn. I tried to call, but she never answered. I just got her voicemail over and over. And she didn’t return my calls. I went to her work, but she was rarely, if ever, there. I went to her house, but she never answered the door. Her apartment exuded an emptiness, a forlorn feel, that made everything seem so bereft.

  I finally turned to Sage. She wasn’t very helpful.

  “She barely even talks to me at this point, Kian. She just keeps saying that she needs some time alone.”

  So I tried. I tried so fucking hard to give her what she needed.

  As the days turned into weeks, and the weather began to turn cool. The leaves turned and began to fall. Brynn had essentially gone off the grid. Sage called periodically to check on her, but the conversations were one-sided with short, monosyllable responses. Sage kept me updated, mostly because I’d about gone off my nut one night.

  “It’s like she’s… hibernating, Kian. She’s gone underground to heal.”

  I went through all the stages of grief, and, that night, I hit anger.

  “She doesn’t fucking have to be wounded, Sage,” I growled.

  God, I missed her.

  Everything reminded me of her from the time I woke up to this misery to the time I finally fell asleep at night.

  I was very nearly at the end of my rope as I walked into Hyper one night, up to the bar, and motioned for Sage, my only tenuous connection to Brynn.

  Every night, I’d come in. Hoping to get a glimpse of her, even if it was her getting over me. As much as it hurt to lose her, I desperately wanted her to be okay. I kept thinking that she’d just show up again. That I’d turn my head and see her walking through the door or losing herself in the music as she danced.

  Appearing on my doorstep like before.

  “Anything?” I asked as Sage walked over to me.

  She remorsefully shook her head. “Nothing. Sorry, Kian. I haven’t even been able to reach her tonight.”

  “Try again,” I said softly. “Just make sure she’s okay.”

  Sage pulled her phone from her pocket, brought up Brynn’s contact, and hit send.

  “Brynn,” she said after a minute. “Hey… It’s Sage.”

  I watched the emotion play out on Sage’s face. The worry and the sadness.

  “I know, but I just wanted to check on you. Wanted to make sure you’re okay.” She
listened for a moment before she spoke again. “And Kian’s worried—” she said before stopping abruptly. “Maybe you should talk to him—” and then she frowned, looking up at me and shaking her head sadly. The conversation evidently wasn’t going well. “Brynn—” She hit the end button on her phone, and that tenuous tie was once again broken.

  Brynn

  “I’m fine,” I reassured Sage over the phone as I stepped off the elevator on my floor of the building. I was heading home after an exhausting couple hours at work. Pretending that my heart wasn’t shattered was wearing me down. I had finally answered one of Sage’s frequent calls, but was wishing I hadn’t. She meant well. She missed me. I missed her, too. And Mattie. But I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to be alone in my sorrow.

  “Maybe you should talk to him—”

  “No. I can’t. If I do, I’ll just want to go back to him. And I’ll freak out again and leave and go back, again and again…”

  “Brynn—”

  “And he deserves so much more than that shit. Anyway, I’m home with an armload of groceries,” I cut her off, “so I’ve gotta go. Talk to you later.” Before she could say another word, I flipped my phone off and dropped it in my purse. As I fished for my keys, my door flew open. A vicious grip yanked me inside and threw me hard against the wall.

  “I’ve finally got you, you fucking little whore,” Evan sneered as I crumpled to the floor.

  Chapter 20 ~ Surprise

  Find My Way ~ Nine Inch Nails

  Take it All ~ Adele

  Your Latest Trick ~ Dire Straits

  Kian

  “Dammit…” Sage muttered as she suddenly picked the phone up again, punching a button and holding it up to her ear. She waited a few moments, listening and looking increasingly concerned. “Shit. It went straight to voicemail.”

  “Because you mentioned me,” I muttered sullenly.

  “Yeah, but I need to tell her about that creepy guy,” she murmured as she began to type in a text.

  A painful chill instantly settled in my heart. “What guy, Sage?”

  “This weird guy who was asking about her earlier tonight. I’ve never seen him before, but he said he knew she came in here sometimes.”

  “Do you have any idea who he was?”

  “No, but he said they were old friends. Really light hair, fancy suit. He said something about stopping by her place.”

  “Fuck… Sage, call the cops. Get them to her apartment. Now! And an ambulance. I think that was Evan,” I barked as I started to turn away.

  “Oh my God, Kian,” Sage gasped.

  “Just fucking call, Sage!” I shouted back and bolted out the door to my bike.

  Brynn

  For a moment, I was stunned, wondering what happened. Why my head hurt. Slowly, my mind filtered in that Evan was in my apartment.

  My warped brain tried to focus on little things.

  The shattered appearance of the wall just around my front door. Evan must have kicked it in. How nobody else in the building heard it, I have no idea. He must have been here for hours, days or maybe weeks even. Watching, waiting until the other building occupants were out, off at work or something. Had he been watching me all this time? Splinters of wood and small chunks of sheetrock lay scattered on the hardwood around his feet as he closed the door behind us, cutting the light from the hallway outside my apartment.

  I felt a throbbing pain on the side of my head from where I’d cracked it into the wall. The pain actually made me nauseous, and I fought to keep the bile from rising in my throat.

  “Did you really think you could hide from me, Brynn?” Evan menacingly said from the shadows. “After you ruined my name with your fucked up accusations, did you really think I’d just let you go?”

  He took a few slow, methodical steps towards me. I lay hunched over against the wall attempting to keep my breathing steady. Forcing the calm into my mind. My Zen. Over the time I’d been with him, as things had deteriorated, I’d learned that any type of response infuriated him. Self-preservation made me freeze up.

  “You know, my legal practice has gone to shit,” he growled as he stood over me. “All those rumors... the crap that you said, it’s a small town. Word got around. You ruined my career.”

  He gave a harsh laugh as he swiftly kicked my thigh with his fine Italian leather shoe.

  “And now, my own fucking dad says he wants me gone.” Evan’s voice was becoming more animated, more crazed as he spoke. “He says the situation is bad for politics. And it’s all your fault, you fucking bitch,” he grated out and he kicked at me again. My body curled instinctively in an attempt to shield from the blows. “Your bullshit stories have turned my family against me.”

  Grabbing me by the hair, he pulled me to stand. A small cry left my lips as he pushed me up against the wall. He wasn’t a big guy, especially in comparison to Kian. But he was much stronger than me. His eyes were hard and his breath sour with stale booze.

  “So, I think you deserve a little payback, don’t you?” His voice sounded vicious and deviant. “Now that your big tough bodyguard boyfriend isn’t around anymore. It took forever for him to get tired of your shit, but I’m a patient man. And I knew you’d drive him away eventually. You’re just too fucked up for anyone to really love you.”

  “Evan, don’t…” My voice shook and broke.

  “Don’t what, Brynn? Fuck you? Fuck you like you fucked me?”

  “I never meant to…”

  “Awe, look at you cry,” he taunted, holding my head still with a steel grip on my hair as his other hand began to slowly move down my cheek, my throat. It glided over my collarbone like the slither of a snake. “So pretty. Such a pretty little girl with the tears falling so sweetly down your soft little cheeks.” In the pale light filtering in from the streetlamps, I could see him leering down at me. “You were always the prettiest when you were broken.”

  “Evan, stop,” I whispered. “You’re drunk, you’re not yourself and you’ll hate yourself for this.”

  With a swift motion, he yanked at my hair, wrenching me closer as he slapped my cheek viciously.

  “I hate you even more,” he snarled. “You ruined my fucking life. Look at what you’ve done to me.”

  Then he turned quickly into the living area, pulling me along with him. As we neared the couch, he shoved me hard, causing me to awkwardly fall against the heavy furniture.

  “And now it’s time for you to make nice. To pay me back for all the shit you’ve put me through.”

  For a moment, my soul surrendered. All the fight left me and I resigned myself to this fate. He’d beat me. He’d probably rape me. He might even kill me. I thought that this was maybe it, that I’d finally be free from him.

  That he’d finally end it all.

  But then my mind began to turn to Kian. His careful and quiet instruction echoed through the far corners of my consciousness. The shock of seeing Evan again, here in what I’d thought of as a safe zone, began to wear off. I began to remember some of what Kian taught me. The confidence he’d nurtured in me started to unfurl.

  I drew on every conversation, every moment, and a strange calm replaced terror and defeat.

  Evan stepped closer, grabbing my shoulders with a bruising grip, pinning me down on the couch as he leaned over me. I mentally calculated the distance of my swing, what I could reach with a sharp kick as I forced my body to go limp.

  My eyes drifted almost totally closed and I purposefully let a whimper escape from my throat.

  And I waited.

  “Oh, there’s the pathetic little girl I remember. Just giving up again, huh, Brynn?” I felt the sickening slide of his tongue against my throat, and a true shudder coursed through me. “I can taste your fear, you know. I always could.”

  He carelessly leaned into me, presuming my capitulation. His hand left my right shoulder as he began to jerk up the hem of my skirt.

  And still I waited.

  I felt his fingertips trailing up the bare skin of
my thigh, towards my panties. Evan shifted ever so slightly, creating a little space between us to pull at the delicate fabric.

  That was my moment.

  With his attention drawn to my hips and thighs, I brought up my arm in a sudden movement, ramming the heel of my hand sharply against his nose. I felt the crunch of cartilage and warm drops of blood.

  Evan had reared up in an attempt to avoid the blow, and I brought my knee up sharply, catching him perfectly in the groin.

  Kian always said I had a good groin shot.

  Evan’s body curled instantly with the pain, and I wedged my legs up between us, throwing him off me. In a second, I was on my feet and tearing through the door to safety.

  Kian

  I barreled through traffic as fast as my bike could go. My heart clawed at my throat as I pulled up to her building and flew through the front entrance to bound up the stairs. I’d just turned down Brynn’s hallway when I saw her racing out her doorway.

  “Kian!” she cried as she ran into my arms.

  Crushing her to my chest, I pressed my face to her hair, overwhelmed by the feel of her safely in my arms.

  “Evan…” she sobbed.

  I pulled back, grabbing her by the shoulders. She winced in pain, dropping her head, and I noted smeared drops of blood and a fiery red handprint on her pale cheek.

  Everything in me went ballistic.

  “Stay here, Brynn,” I growled as I pushed past her.

  The fucker was just rising to stand as I charged into her apartment, crouching and cupping his junk. Blood poured from his nose as he turned to face me. Pure rage filled me and every shred of inhibition evaporated. I grabbed Evan by the lapels of his fancy suit and threw him across the room. He crashed into the coffee table which splintered beneath him. I was on him in a second, swinging with all the pent up fury and anguish that had been building up in me from the time my mother died.

  I wanted to kill the motherfucker.

  He’d put his hands on my sweet Brynn for the last time.

  Bones cracked under the pounding force of my fists and his blood covered my hands.

  “Kian, please stop! You’re going to kill him!”