James in the Real World

by Owen Todhunter

  Despite his love of cosmetics, Dale hates talking about himself. His self-loathing extends far beyond the shallow cuts he inflicts upon himself. The blunt scissors he uses to do the cutting are tucked safely away in a box beneath his bed. It has always been this way for Dale. He never quite learned to love himself. He has always been a quivering mess despite the confident mask he puts on for the world. His flawless skin never matched what was lurking underneath. The cuts were his way of balancing out the equation. His whole entire life, he has felt inadequate. For some peculiar reason, all that changed when he met James. He found someone who understood him. In recent times, their friendship has been tested. Hitting somebody with your car will do that. James does not hold it against Dale. If he could wake up from his coma he would explain as much. Even so, it would do nothing to alleviate Dale’s guilt.

  The day after the accident, Dale returned home from James’ bedside. With only his thoughts to entertain himself, Dale reimagined the events of the last few days to the point that his head was too sore and foggy to focus on anything else of value. To kill his overactive brain, he stole some of his dad’s anti-depressants. He thought about taking them all, but settled instead for four. For the rest of the day he sat on the floor of his bedroom with the blinds pulled shut. The blinds remained closed for the next two days, and he listened to Brand New’s Jesus Christ on repeat more than fifty times. On the Friday night, he went to a sorority party. He drank twelve beers, half a bottle of tequila and two pills. He had no idea what drug he had taken. It didn’t really matter. He woke up shirtless in his own vomit on the neighbour’s lawn. His dad wrapped him in a blanket, threw him in the shower, and put him straight to bed. Here he remained for another two days.

  If James was awake and still speaking to Dale, he would offer him the same book recommended to him by Dr Shaw. In fact, James was going to show him the book after he completed the final assessment. The timing meant that the assessment would not have been completed until after the day of the accident. It is a shame really, because the book was just getting good. One of the chapters would have really helped Dale. James’ favourite bit was about the process of growing up. This section of the Emotional Intelligence bible described the way in which psychologists outline the journey from adolescence to adulthood. They believe that teenagers need to accomplish 4 crucial milestones. They are as follows;

  1.Form an identity. This is most effective through healthy risk-taking, self-understanding and self-acceptance, and through asking questions such as who am I?

  2.Becoming independent. This forces the individual to form attachments outside the family and becoming emotionally autonomous.

  3.Making strong friendships (dead little brothers don’t count, though it says nothing about self-harming manic-depressants).

  4.Finding a place in the world. This is the final step and thus the most important of all. An individual must discover his strengths, and craft a lifestyle in which those strengths are used every day.

  It is said that the greatest stumbling blocks on this path to adulthood are inner world risk factors. In short, as shitty and spiteful as the world around you may seem, you are your own worst enemy. Such risk factors include pervasiveness, unrelenting sadness, unshakeable irritability, rigid and inflexible thinking. If untreated for an extended period of time, the result will be unending hopelessness. Dale Foster falls into this category. His physical appearance suggests he has attained adulthood. But his self-destructive ego suggests he is still a boy. This is true also for James. They do care about the world at large. They just haven’t seen enough of it and are therefore powerless to fix it. The easiest way to treat something you do not understand is with disdain. It is the by-product of fear. James has discovered an entire new world. He has developed a deep affection for it, but he is yet to understand it.

  CHAPTER 27: James Embraces the Shadow

  Harold Waldwin Percival says one must embrace their shadow. This is because the shadow is nurturing. Because the whole of life is nurturing. Because life exists simply to sustain itself. The day we give up fighting is the day we accept our true fate. We all must die. Today James watched a beautiful creature die. He stood on a mountain as two wooden ships crashed upon the shore. They sailed grandly through the bay, hugging tight to the cliffs made of chalk. A few hundred feet off shore, each vessel’s white sails quickly lowered. James heard the screams and felt the sheer terror of the people on board. But as each ship’s hull scraped upon the reef, there was no sign of any soul on board. Like the people of Navoeth, they disappeared before James could help them.

  It sounds silly after knowing what he does, but he had hoped that Hal might be on board. Better still, he was hoping his baby brother would be standing alongside his mother. In some poetic fashion, this seemed to finally be the purpose of his visit. There needed to only be an anchor thrown out so James could swim against the tide to reach them. They would take him wherever it is that dead people go. Von felt James’ grief as if it belonged to her. She reassured him once more that his purpose would come with time. He just needed to let the moment unfold as nature first intended. The words were becoming too familiar, and his sense of déjà vu did not make the despair more palatable.

  They jumped on the back of Eryr and flew to check for survivors. Ultimately, it was a foregone conclusion. The trip served as a vain attempt to clear their conscience. When they landed on the beach they found a bare shell, with torn up white rags stretched across each ship’s splintered masts. James sifted through the wreckage, hoping to find any sign of life. Just as he was about to give up, a glimmer of light shone through the rolling waves. He waded out into the shallows and dived under. Nestled neatly into the sand was an hourglass, some six feet high and two feet wide. The golden grains steadily trickled through its centre, but as the first few hit the bottom the object was set alight. The empty space in the top of the glass erupted with blinding flashes of blue light. This initial burst sent out countless rings of static beams, with colours so radiant they temporarily blinded James.

  He rubbed his eyes, but when his vision cleared the view through the whitewashed undertow was much clearer. This allowed James to finally reach out and touch it. He felt its warmth through his wrinkled fingertips. As he wrapped his hands around the centre of the glass, the static beams of light began to swirl around and caused the sand to continue falling. The glass began to rattle and pulsed so brightly that James again had to look away. His hand was still clasped tightly around the centre of the glass. He kicked back to the surface, and stumbled clumsily through the waves. When he finally reached the shoreline, he wiped the salty water from his eyes. He looked down at his glowing fist. As his fingers gingerly blossomed, the now-tiny hourglass sat deftly in his palm. He passed it between both his hands, noticing the sudden smoothness in his fingertips.

  It had shrunk to a fraction of its original size, but the view inside was magnificent. The explosion of lights inside the glass vessel had formed its own galaxy, complete not only with stars, but its own vast nothingness. Von looked at James strangely, herself taken aback at how mesmerised he had become with the tiny object in his hands. Suddenly it burnt too hot to touch. James recoiled, and in doing so dropped it onto the rocks. The glass shattered, breaking into thousands of tiny shards. A single wave was all it took and every shiny speck of the hourglass was washed away to sea. Von laughed.

  “Even time is against you James.”

  James laughed too, more out of vexation. The following moments grew very still. There were no sounds apart from the gentle lapping of each wave upon the sand. James looked around and realised their winged companion was no longer in sight. The smile disappeared from Von’s face and she let out a blood-curdling scream. James turned towards the ocean. In the deep water of the bay, the cause of Von’s terror became clear. It was the sound of displaced water and the sight of golden wings, slowly sinking beneath the sea’s black surface. The clouds closed in. Lightning struck the sand, sending bits of earth flying all around them. Nothin
g was visible through a screen of salt, rocks and sea spray, though James managed to shield Von. He blocked her eyes from the splintered shells that became electrified and began to pierce the softened shoreline.

  The whole scene turned black in an instant. James could not see back to the castle, and knew the beach was blocked in both directions. Von was beginning to panic so James prepared to take the only path available. Out to sea. They each took a deep breath, and he dragged them under. The energy of the waves increased, turning the gentle lap into a vicious tide. He held her by the hand as he struggled to kick free beyond the breakers. After a minute or so, James saw a grey rock formation emerge from the depths. The current pushed but James pushed harder. The storm below the water was too much even for the creatures of the deep. As James kicked towards the safety of the rock, schools of frightened fish escaped the same way. Every few seconds the water was struck by lightning. The electrical currents lit up the rocks ahead of them, finally gifting James a field of clear vision.

  They were only a few feet away when James inexplicably pushed Von ahead and turned back. He knew another second to explain his actions and Von would have convinced him out of it. He had to go back for Eryr. All he had to follow was a trail of embers falling rapidly to the ocean floor. By the time he reached her, her wings had almost burnt out. He felt his lungs bursting, but there was no choice except follow her down. He had to save her. He owed her that much. It felt like an eternity to reach her, as her massive frame sunk rapidly. Finally, he caught up to her. As he floated down beside her, James could see that her body was still fighting. Her eyes though, they told a different story. He was already too late. Her spirit was dead. Her pupils expanded, embracing the blackness of the water beneath them.

  James gripped tightly around her neck, trying with all his strength to drag her up for air. She pulled away. He pleaded with her to kick, to fly, to push up, to do anything to save herself. He ripped at her feathers, cursing at her to fight. In return, James received a violent swipe of her wing, striking him flush across the face. The force of the blow sent him reeling back the way he came. It was the final show of her brute strength before she gave up. The same distance that took James several minutes to reach, took only a few seconds in reverse. As he somersaulted backwards, his head struck the grey rock. A feeling of grogginess hit him as he vainly clawed for a hold that wasn’t there. Then his arms went stiff.

  CHAPTER 28: Dale Part IV

  For a third time, James returns to the scene of his accident. He looks around for the usual signs. A cross. Dead flowers in front of the tree. Tyre marks still visible across the pavement. As he looks onto the road, he can see the glint of broken glass in the late afternoon sun. Everything is as it should be, apart from the omnipresent glow of a dream. The mood lighting is neither comforting, nor off-putting. It is otherworldly enough to make you realise that it is a false version of reality. James cannot quite work out why he is here so soon again. He knows the physical blow in the ocean knocked him sideways to a different dimension. But he has already seen both events that have taken place in this spot. For the first time in a while, this discovery seems like a waste of his precious time. He just wants to get back, while there is still time to save Eryr.

  He spins in circles looking for a door to escape through when to his astonishment, Dale walks around the corner. He seems to be looking right at him, but from the expressionless look on his face it is clear Dale cannot see him. James calls to him as Dale stops in front of the tree and the dead flowers. From a close distance, James can see just how bad he looks. For a person so self-conscious, it is hard to believe Dale could be so dishevelled. His eyes are bloodshot. His usually-neat stubble has become an untidy beard. Immaculately-styled hair now looks as though it hasn’t been washed for days. He wears flip-flops, but James can see the blackened soles of his feet as he takes each step. Whatever food he has managed to force inside his pale, gaunt face has left a yellow stain down the front of his hoodie. He stands on the grass, staring at the cross nailed to the old tree. His arms hang loosely at his side. He slowly reaches inside his pocket, pulling out a piece of folded up paper. As he does, his unsteady feet tip his weight back towards the road. James gasps. He slips off the sidewalk and regains his footing just in time for a passing car to beep its horn at him. It startles him, but only slightly.

  The piece of paper slips from his hand. James exhales his relief only after Dale takes several more footsteps away from the road. Dale hunches his shoulders and rests his hands against the tree. After a few seconds of composing himself, he turns around, steps back from the tree, and bends down to retrieve the piece of paper. He unfolds it, scans its contents, and gently places it front of the tree. He scratches around the base of the tree, ripping up weeds and bits of grass. Finally, he digs up two small rocks and places them on opposite ends of the paper to act as a paperweight. Before shuffling back to the corner, he looks up to the cross. His lips move, but such is the nature of all of James’ dreams, the words are lost to the breeze. Dale’s sorry heels drag him down the street and eventually out of view. James walks toward the tree, and leans down to read the note.

  Dear whoever the fuck it is that sits in the clouds and pulls the strings,

  Fuck you and fuck everything you do. Fuck the reasons you let my mum kill herself. Fuck you for killing James’ mum. Fuck you for making me the shit that I am. I’m sorry for cursing mum. But that is the least of it. I am about to do something and I know you’ll be mad at me. Sorry Mr Galinski, and I guess I should apologise to James’ mum too. I never met you but I have managed to kill your son. Even though he is my best friend. He’s not dead yet, but I don’t want to stick around long enough to see if he does. I killed him when I met him. I have a bad habit of hurting the people I like. James is the only real friend I’ve ever had, and I killed him. I’m a bad person but I’m going to make sure I never do bad things again. The pills I am taking make me feel numb, and they stop me feeling the guilt that otherwise suffocates me every single day. I think I will keep taking them until I fall asleep. It seems a good way to go, I don’t like mess and I don’t want my dad to have to clean up after me. I’m sorry dad. I do care about you, and I don’t want you to think that this is my final way of hurting you. I don’t blame you for mum dying. I love you. Most of all I’m sorry James, you deserved a friend much better than me.

  Once again, fuck you cloud people.

  James springs up and chases after Dale. He is far off into the distance now, but James makes up the ground quickly. He sprints faster, screaming out over and over for his friend to stop and turn around. Suddenly, James can go no further. He hits the glass wall. It does not shatter, but sends him back towards the road, landing him flat on his back. He stands back up, races towards it, and bashes his fists against the glass. It barely causes a sound. Then the bitter irony of Dale’s situation hits home. James is powerless to save both his friend in the real world, and his winged saviour back in Navoeth. Despite his desperate attempts to escape both worlds, he is stuck halfway. With all the power in his body, he makes one last attempt to shatter the glass. The barrier will not budge. Dale is gone.

  “James! wake up!”

  The pavement washes away. The tree and the cross and the sidewalk churn into a balling mass of grey liquid. James splutters and coughs up a belly full of seawater. Von pulls him onto the rocks and the pair of them scramble into a cave to wait out the storm. The last sound James hears is the distant clouds as they shake with vile laughter. The wind’s teeth begin to tear at the limestone walls around them, pushing them further and further within the cavernous reaches of the rock formation. When the damage is over, they inch their way out. James goes first, signalling for Von to follow once he assesses the surroundings. The ocean is calmer. The sky is clearer. The storm has passed. For now, at least.

  Von looks at James with helpless eyes. They well up, glassy and lost. Lips trembling, she struggles to deliver her words.

  “Eryr is dead, isn’t she?”

 
James hangs his head. He cannot soften the blow, so decides it best to list the details as precisely as he can.

  “I’m sorry Von. I tried to save her. She kept pulling away. She looked at me and I didn’t even recognise her. She gave up. Just like Dale did.”

  “Dale?”

  “He’s going to kill himself.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “I jumped again, like we did in the classroom. He went to the accident site and left a note. It’s weird. He looked at the cross like he knew that’s where my mum died. He couldn’t possibly know that. I didn’t even know. Do you think Dr Shaw or my dad told him?”

  “I think you’re focusing on an inconsequential detail. What are you going to do about Dale?”

  James kicks as a loose rock in front of him. He turns away from Von, opting to focus on the empty stillness of the open ocean.

  “I am going to do nothing. What’s the point? I keep seeing these things and I can’t do a fucking thing about it. It’s just a cruel joke!”