Vein Fire

by Adams, Lucia

  The staff ran the house meetings and wanted them to end as quickly as the residents did. They passed out menus so the grocery list could be planned, and they listened to complaints they did nothing about. Asking for things to change, or confronting a housemate was disregarded and discouraged.

  Sandwiched between dinner and curfew, a house meeting deftly ruined everyone’s evening. A thunderstorm shook the house, and rain pounded the panes. Jared decided that rather than arrive soaking wet at Hannah’s house, he would stay at home for the evening. The meeting ended and he retreated to his bedroom. His roommate stayed downstairs to watch television, so he shut the door and sat on his bed. He pulled a wooden box from his backpack. Inside were the things he had taken from Hannah—pictures, the hair clipping, two pages carefully torn out of her diary, and a clean pair of her underwear.

  He ran his fingers over the piece of hair, twirling it and rubbing it. The softness was as compelling as the sheen. Holding it under his nose, he tried to smell the last remnants of her shampoo from the strand. He returned the lock of hair to his box and gathered his items to shower.

  Normally he’d masturbate in the shower, but because he believed Hannah was so close to being his, he resisted—saving it all for her. Due to the lack of privacy, after his shower, he dressed fully, and finished by putting on his shoes. A nice breeze blew through the partially ajar window, and he opened it fully to let the steam escape. Taking paper towels, he dried off the mirror so he could see himself. His blonde hair looked almost brown when it was wet. Blue eyes accentuated his good looks. Turning one way, then the other, Jared examined himself. He was impressed with how good looking he was. His pointed face reminded him of the French explorers he’d seen pictures of in his history books in school. Even though he wasn’t French, he told people he was. He collected his shower items and returned to his room across the hallway.

  His body seized and halted when he saw Dana sitting on his bed, looking through his box of things he’d collected from Hannah. Between her fingers, she examined the lock of hair.

  “WHAT are you doing?” Jared bellowed. Dana flinched from being startled and she jumped at the same time, releasing the hair as it sprinkled into the air, falling to the floor.

  “No!” Jared dropped his shower items and dove at the falling hair. He grabbed the wooden box and held it above his head, as though he were about to bludgeon Dana with it.

  Dana smiled and nervously laughed her flat “Heheh.” Just as she did in all bad situations, Dana’s intestines began gurgling into her adult diaper.

  Jared lowered the box and yelled, “Get the fuck out of my room. Get out you stupid fucking cow. Get. Out. Now.” He followed her, yelling, as she waddled out quickly. One kick with his foot and the door slammed shut. He rushed over to the fallen hair, trying to pick it up. It was useless. His insides were like a lit cremation oven. Panic seared his bones. He needed to get another piece of hair—what was sprinkled on the floor was lost.

  Carla came into his room without knocking, as the staff often did. “Did you threaten to hit Dana?”

  “She was in my room going through my stuff.” His voice was deep and growling.

  “And did you have your door locked like you’re supposed to?”

  “I was in the bathroom.” His tone was fierce but calm. It seemed to startle Carla.

  “Well, try to remember to lock it so we don’t have any more incidents and I’ll talk to Dana about going into other people’s rooms.”

  Jared knew his mood made her uncomfortable and he used it to his advantage. “All these talks about locks, Carla, but what good are they if the staff have the key and come in whenever they want to?”

  Carla dropped her hands as though she was exasperated. “Jared, I’m not arguing with you. You cannot threaten other housemates, no matter what they do to you, and the best way to prevent this from happening again is for you to lock your door. Can you agree to that?”

  Jared did not speak to Carla; he slowly approached her, starring at her until she started backing out of his room. When she was in the hallway, he slammed the door and locked it.

  CHAPTER 23

  Walk

  Iris was a tall, thin woman with a bayou twang. She looked like a classic movie star from the 1920’s with a wispy short hair cut and gorgeous creamy skin. Casual clothes draped softly over her frame and seemed to emulate the Leonard Cohen that caressed from her stereo. After she briefly introduced herself, she told Hannah to just relax and that there was no time limit—they could stay there until she was done talking. She skipped the usual get-to-know-you questions and breezed into the conversation.

  “I want to hear you talk about what you’ve gone through, how you feel, and what’s your take on your situation and behaviors.”

  Hannah chose to sit on an enormous, poofed white leather chair. It almost felt like it was holding her. “Where should I start?”

  “When things started to go wrong.”

  Hannah’s buzz hadn’t worn off from the heroin she smoked earlier in the day. She took half of a day off of work so she could smoke, relax, and then go to the appointment. She felt like she was weaving in and out—frayed fibers and loose strings between lucidity and awareness. Once she started talking, she didn’t stop for neither breath nor tears:

  I can’t tell you if I was happy before it happened. I’m not sure what happiness is, really. I think, if anything, I was just okay. I don’t remember hating myself, but I did wish I was different—better. Every girl wants to be prettier, right?

  And my parents—it’s not their fault. They did a good job; I was the one who messed it all up. I know everyone likes to think it might have been how I was raised, but it wasn’t…it wasn’t.

  That’s when it happened—in the summer—the bad things, or when things started to go wrong. Wait. What if I was born wrong and it was my destiny to be like this no matter if something had happened to me or not? Hmm.

  There was a group of us that were friends. We all lived on the dead end street. Olivia was my best friend. Well, she was the only other girl, and she played with me when we were kids and as we got older, I was convenient—just down the street. I guess you could say I was the outcast of the group, but still in the group, if that makes sense. Olivia was the pretty one. All of the boys wanted to go out with her. And rightly so—she was perfect, really.

  Matt wanted her the most. He lived across the street from me. He was poor. I mean like more poor than regular poor people. There were so many kids, I’m not sure how they fed them all, but then again, I guess they didn’t. His mother lived with her boyfriend and that’s who made things worse. I could always hear the yelling—everyone in my house could. A couple of times my mother wanted to call the police—she said it sounded like one of the kids was getting killed, but she never did. I’d see Matt getting beat. I saw it a lot of times. It made me feel bad for him and I liked him. He didn’t like me though. He called me names—fat, ugly, stupid—it was the only constant between us.

  Olivia went away on vacation. Matt was really mad at me because he had asked Olivia out and she turned him down. She told him things I had told her—things I had witnessed happen in his house. He thought it was my fault because she mentioned that he made fun of me and she didn’t like it. Ha. Little did he know, Olivia didn’t really give a shit about me. At first, I stayed away from all of them. They all treated me nicer when Olivia was around—but with her gone, I also saw an opportunity to get some of the attention they usually gave to her. It was my fault for wanting attention.

  I rode my bike up to the end of the road—that’s where we all gathered. We played this game—the fainting game—where you hold your breath until you pass out. We were stupid kids…and bored—we were really bored. But when it was my turn and I passed out, I remember waking up and all of the pain. My body was bouncing with each hit. I didn’t even realize what was happening at first. Matt was standing over me with a cinder block—over and over again; he smashed it down on my legs.

  I co
uldn’t see anything. It was like I had lost my vision—everything turned white and I was screaming. I know they tried to help me—the other boys that were there, but there was nothing they could do. The ambulance came and I was fighting them. I kept pulling the mask off and they kept putting it back on. Have you ever tried to scream with a mask on? It’s hard.

  They took very good care of me at the Children’s Hospital. Everyone was so kind to me and my mom stayed with me almost all of the time. It almost seems odd now that I was at a Children’s Hospital, but I guess I was—a child, I mean.

  I missed that entire school year—between the surgeries and therapy. And Matt. Matt went away.

  When I went back to school, I was even more of an outcast. I got a boost of attention when I first returned, but after that, I was a freak. The kids said horrible things to me—asking me if Matt had smashed my face because I was so ugly—and they called me fat. It’s not easy being a fat kid.

  But, I graduated and got a job as a clerk as City Hall. I make decent enough money and was able to move out of my parents’ house within a few months. I work with a woman named Donna. She’s always acted like a good friend to me. I guess I should tell you, when she was out of town a couple of weeks ago, I gave her husband head. I didn’t want to; I didn’t know how to say no. I think that’s one of my problems—I don’t know how to say no to people. I just did it and now I wish I hadn’t. I don’t think she’ll find out, but I hope she doesn’t.

  And there’s another problem. Matt works with Donna’s husband. Yeah, I know—what’s the chance of that? So I ran into Matt at this party Donna had. I was scared. He still scares me. But I wanted him to like me. And you know, I’m nice to everyone, really. He asked me for a ride home—we don’t live that far apart now. And I took him home. I passed out and I think he had sex with me. I wasn’t sure. I know you’re wondering how can you not know, but I didn’t.

  So now Matt and I hang out sometimes—well, he used to hang out with me—he has a girlfriend now, so he doesn’t really spend much time with me. But he showed me things. Sometimes we do drugs together. Not that I’m an addict or anything, just smoking weed and other stuff here and there. But there was this other night, I’m sure of it—I was nearly passed out and he had sex with me. It’s not rape. I didn’t tell him no. I wanted it. I wanted Matt to like me—finally. I mean, I know it’s fucked up, and if my parents even knew I talked to him—they’d freak out. I don’t tell them anything. I guess I don’t tell anyone anything. Well, I’m telling you now.

  Matt has this friend—Marcus he would stop by sometimes when we were hanging out. I dropped by Matt’s house one night and I was standing on his porch and I could hear him fucking his girlfriend. I could hear things I don’t even want to think about. I didn’t knock—I mean, who would? I left and went to the convenience store. Marcus was there. He asked me for a ride. That’s it. And why wouldn’t I give him a ride? So, I did.

  A ride started all of this. No. My stupidity did. Honestly, I was high, so I don’t really remember it. Maybe that’s the worst part—not knowing, so I imagine the worst. I can’t tell you much about it. Did you ever go to the ocean and get pulled under by the rip tide? That happened to me once, when I was a kid. I ended up a few miles down the shore. It was like that. I woke up on a different patch of sand. I didn’t know what had happened—exactly, but I figured it out. You can forget the questions, I won’t answer them. I’ll never go to the police—I know that. I’ll be okay—if okay is a destination. It would be nice if I could walk down the shore instead of almost drowning to get there. Maybe that’s why I’m here. I want to learn how to walk instead of drown.

  CHAPTER 24

  Plots

  Matt knew it was Jared waiting on his porch—he knocked like a girl—light and urgent. Jared had a different definition of emergency than Matt did. The two were polar opposites except for the girl they made communal—they shared Hannah in acts of attraction and repulsion.

  He opened the door and Jared burst in. Matt could smell his desperation. It amused Matt to see Jared so flustered, but this was a more maniacal variety—one Matt had seen before when they were cheeking and spitting. Matt knew how unstable Jared was while he was un-medicated.

  “You have to help me.” Jared dropped his back pack and began waving his arms up and down in frustration. We have to get Hannah to pass out.”

  Matt closed the door and stifled a laugh, “You ready to fuck her, then?”

  Jared ran up to him and got into his face, “No, I would NEVER do that to Hannah. I need to cut a piece of her hair off.”

  A chuckle escaped from Matt. “Have you switched from fire bombs to witch craft?”

  “This isn’t fucking funny. I need some of her hair for my own reasons. I had a piece and that fucking cow Dana got a hold of it, now it’s gone.”

  “Dana from the group home?” Matt laughed, “What did the Mad Pooper do now?”

  “She went through my stuff when I was in the shower and took Hannah’s hair.”

  Matt shook his head. “Yeah, she likes to steal stuff. If you’re ever missing anything, have a look in her room. Why don’t you ask Hannah for one more piece? I’m sure she’d give it to you.”

  “I didn’t ask her for the first one. I don’t want her to know.” Jared sat on the couch, but continued to flap his hands.

  “Oh. I see. You have a crush on the girl, huh?”

  “This isn’t a fucking crush. She’s the one.”

  “The one?” Matt raised his eyebrows. “Wow, you gonna marry her or something?”

  Jared erupted, “Will you stop fucking with me and just help me?”

  Matt smiled and laughed, “I’m sorry man, look, I can tell you aren’t feeling so good. Have you been taking your meds?”

  “Fuck the meds!”

  Laughing, Matt blurted, “Fuck the meds! Yeah!” Jared’s insanity was like watching the three stooges wrapped into one tumultuous package with butcher’s paper and twine. “You can’t just go around cutting chunks of Hannah’s hair off. Girls notice that kind of shit.”

  “I don’t care. I need it. And stop fucking laughing at me.”

  “No, man, it’s all good. It’s that there’s a difference between want and need. You gotta understand that.”

  “I get it. Okay, I want it. Are you going to help me?”

  “What do you want me to do?” Matt sat in a chair and watched Jared contemplatively.

  “When she gets off of work, I need you to go over to her house and get her high.”

  “That’s it?” Matt said sarcastically, but Jared missed it.

  “Yessss,” he hissed.

  “Hannah’s not at work.”

  Jared’s eyes both twitched inward. “How do you know?”

  Matt’s tone was flat, “I work with some guy who’s married to one of her coworkers—he told me.” He leaned back onto his bent arm, his hand under his chin as he looked at Jared. “But I’m having a party tonight, so bring her over then.”

  “Can’t you go over to her house now?”

  “No time, man. Just bring her over tonight and you’ll get your hair.”

  Jared rubbed his palms together in criss-crosses, like he was wiping something off. “I’m sick of the fucking group home.”

  “Yeah? I remember what it was like. How much longer you got?”

  “They haven’t told me yet.” Jared rubbed his hair. “What do you think would happen if I didn’t go back for awhile? Do you think they’d recommit me to Oakmont?”

  Matt knew the answer. He wouldn’t be sent back to Oakmont. Addicts had gone on benders and left for weeks at a time. It was almost like the staff expected you to fail. Everyone who eloped from the program was accepted back into the house. “When I was there, no one was dumb enough to do it. Someone told me that the last person who did it got shipped right back to Oakmont and they stayed there for years.” Matt considered this lie his weekly act of community service.

  “Really?”

  Matt raised his
eyebrows, “Yeah, man, I wouldn’t risk it.” He shook his head and sighed. “So what’s going on with your firebomb plan? Still heading up to Prospect for payback?”

  “I can’t do that now. I need more time. It wasn’t part of the original plan. I have to follow the original plan.”

  “The original plan?” Matt nodded, mostly at the thoughts he was having about how insane Jared was. “What’s your original plan? You gonna steal more puppies?”

  Jared’s head snapped towards him. “Stop fucking with me. This isn’t a game—it’s a plan and telling you what I’m going to do isn’t part of the plan.”

  Matt was losing patience. “Then maybe stop asking me for help.”

  Jared smiled sarcastically, “Not liking the hole you’ve dug for yourself?”

  “I’m in no hole.” Matt was stoic, his face locked on Jared’s.

  Jared laughed. Matt knew it was to break the tension. “Plots and presents. I have them all.”

  Matt continued to stare. “Good for you.” He paused and took note of Jared’s flinching face. “So, are you going to tell me about this plan?”

  “No, you’ll just be told as you need to know things. Don’t assume I’m stupid, Matt. I know you like Hannah and it eats your fucking insides out that I’m with her.”

  “I never said I liked her.” Matt said flatly, refusing to give Jared any sort of reaction.

  “I can almost hear the maggots in your gut chewing away at you when you see us together.”

  “Good luck with her. You might want to make sure you get her before she gets you.”