It´s All for You

by Tici Pontes

  The days went by and when I realized, Alice was already part of my daily routine. Every day we would meet in the library. I kept immersed in my reading, she in her study. Our friendship grew stronger and I was more than used to her company.

  My days became happier and lighter, and rarely did I remember my health problem. Helping her in her studies had become a type of therapy for me, and as the days went by, I found myself more and more attached to her.

  When Alice needed some support in some subject she had the most difficulty with — it was almost always math, physics or chemistry — I would stop my reading and help her.

  One day we were back to numbers, I was trying to help her with some exercises, but every time I looked at her, Alice had a frown on her face. As if she didn't have an ounce of desire to be there.

  “What?” I asked after she snorted for the thousandth time.

  “This crap!” She closed the book hard. “It would be so different if I were in my house. I'm sure the studies would flow more easily.”

  “Then why don't you study at home, Alice?” I asked, even though I really wanted her to keep coming to the library. I had already got used to her presence and even if we had known each other for a little over two weeks I couldn't imagine that library without her.

  Correcting.

  I no longer imagined what it would be like to come to the library without her!

  “That's not it!” She said impatiently. “I'm not talking about my house here in Mar de Areia, I mean my house in Fortaleza.”

  “Ah!” Now I was getting it.

  Alice had already explained everything to me about her move and her desire to continue living in the capital. And even if it hadn't been her intention, I ended up hurting myself a little. As much as we had known each other for a short time, her words were painful.

  Alice didn't want to be there. And if she was given a chance to come back to the big city she wouldn't think twice and leave Mar de Areia in the blink of an eye.

  “It's not easy to have your life suddenly changed, Leo,” she argued. “Suddenly everything you loved is taken away from you.”

  “I understand you, Alice,” I answered knowing exactly how she felt.

  “You understand nothing!” She shook her head from side to side. “Have you ever had to move from a city without your consent?”

  “No,” I declared it dry.

  “So as much as you wanted to comfort me, you don't know what it's like to have your life turned upside down overnight,” she said.

  “All right, Alice... it's okay...” I took a deep breath trying not to be more upset with her than I already was. Alice knew practically nothing about my life and I'm sure that if she had known she wouldn't have talked to me like that, so I decided not to blame her for her words. “If you want your life back so badly, then stop complaining and let's go back to studies. After all... your life in Fortaleza is more important than anything else, no?” I tried to be as neutral as possible, but I'm sure my words came out with a harsher tone than I intended.

  However, if Alice noticed anything, she didn't say anything.

  She just took a few seconds to stare at me and then open the math book and look at the page showing a series of exercises on financial mathematics.

  “The problems are not always that easy to solve,” she spoke and I was sure she was not referring to any exercise in the book. “It would be so nice if we could solve everything with just pencil and paper, don't you think?”

  Alice stared at me and I just nodded.

  “But life isn't always as we imagine it,” I spoke a little thoughtfully. “And we must take advantage of what is offered to us, even if it is little,” I concluded the thought.

  “At least I have you here.” I looked into her eyes and she smiled. “And I'm sorry if I said something that upset you. I end up talking too much when I'm angry.”

  “It's past,” I spoke without much enthusiasm. “I understand how much you miss home.”

  Deep down, I really did.

  The problem was that I had been without a real friendship for so long that having Alice in my life, even in such a short time, was something extremely significant. And the thought that at any moment she could just walk away scared me a little.

  “Well... ...shall we go back to study?” she interrupted my thoughts.

  “Yes,” I answered, determined to let time take care of things.

  When we could focus on the numbers again, time passed quickly and we barely noticed. Alice was an intelligent student and very easily learned not only percentages, but also notions of statistics and first and second degree functions. Of course, as a good teacher, I left a gigantic homework with several exercises for her to do.

  “Now can we go back to the books?” She had already packed her math book in her backpack and took her copy of Master of the Game out of her purse. “I don't want to see any more numbers in front of me, otherwise I might go crazy.”

  The little misunderstanding — if I could call it that — that we had just now had been left behind.

  “I'm going to demand all the exercises I've given you, huh?!”

  She rolled her eyes and I smiled.

  “I'm almost done with Master of the Game and now besides killing Kate I want to kill that evil twin! Bad people!”

  “Before I give my verdict on what you've read, I need to eat something,” I said it by running my hand through my belly. “I'm starving.”

  Alice looked at her watch and realized that it had been two hours or so since lunch.

  “Wow! Time flew by.”

  “That happens when you're in good company.”

  “Oh, Leo, you don't talk like that. It embarrasses me.” She smiled at me and put her hand on my shoulder.

  “I... I meant the math, Alice.” I gave her a mischievous smile and she narrowed her eyes at me.

  “Dumbass!” She slapped me on the shoulder. “And I thought my company was good.”

  “It's not the worst, I can handle it.” I kept teasing, which earned me another slap on the shoulder. “Come on! Let's get something to eat, or I'm gonna have a stroke here.”

  I took her hand and led her out of the library towards a snack bar nearby. Alice's warmth radiated to my cold skin and I felt safe with that touch.

  Alice's presence did me good. I began to think then, that maybe... just maybe... she was becoming to me something much more special than just a friendship and as the days went by I was more and more sure of it.

  I was lost!

  Alice and I were never apart anymore.

  Every day there was talk and more talk in the library, which at times bothered some of the readers there and from time to time Neide and Maria, the two receptionists, came to us to complain, because we kept talking.

  But most of the time it was just us in there and then we wouldn't stop.

  When Alice was very willing to study I stayed by her side, reading something and she was immersed in her studies. When she no longer had the patience to study we just read, I lay on the sofa, she on the chair, her feet leaning on me.

  Other times we just talked.

  And so, as time always passed like a blink of an eye, a month had already passed since our first encounter. And as always, when everything is too good to be true something happens, the day has come for some shit to happen.

  I woke up feeling something wet on my pillow. I put my hand on my face and felt something wet and slimy and I didn't need to open my eyes to know what it was.

  I sat down on the bed and picked up the phone.

  Three thirty-eight in the morning.

  I got up towards the bathroom and as I turned on the light I came across what I already suspected. I made a face to the mirror when I saw my face covered in blood.

  Oh, shit! Another nosebleed.

  I turned on the faucet and washed the blood, shivering all over me, as the water was extremely cold. I wiped my face with the bath towel that was hanging from the pits and when I looked at my reflection in the mirror
again, a new stream of blood had flowed again from my nose.

  Not again!

  I opened the bathroom cupboard, pulled out a clump of cotton and stuck it up my left nostril. I walked to my mother's room and woke her up touching her shoulder lightly.

  “I think the platelet came down again, Mom,” I murmured as she opened her eyes still confused. Daddy was stirring in bed, trying to understand what was happening.

  “Is everything all right, Leo?” Mama asked, her voice dragged from sleep.

  “What happened?” Daddy sat on the bed and rubbed his eyes, lighting the lamp next to the bed.

  “My nose!” I aimed at my face.

  Although I still had blood stains on my face and I had a clump of cotton wool stuck up my nose, that was a scene even a little common among us, so there was no alarm from my parents.

  Dad started changing clothes and my mom was in charge of changing my nose plug.

  She took her first-aid kit, a bandage, and rolled it up to, I suspect, the ends of my brain.

  “Oh,” I complained. “What's all this for?”

  “Just to stop, Leo, you know that.”

  I knew it.

  “Well, we need to go to Fortaleza,” my father decreed, already fully dressed. “Oh, no!” I protested with my voice a little anasy. “Why can't we go to the Hemoce agency that's here?”

  “Because your hematologist is in Fortaleza and we really need to show him your latest tests,” my mother explained. “Go and change your clothes and I'll prepare here what we need to go.”

  I just hated those trips.

  I went back to my room cursing softly and got my cell phone. I considered calling Alice, but gave up, I couldn't find the words to explain to her everything that was happening.

  So I opened the message application, ready to send a message to Alice explaining where I was going, that's all, so she wouldn't worry so much, but I hesitated.

  What was I going to tell her?

  If I said I was going to travel she would want to know why and I don't know if I could lie. Until then I hadn't had the courage to tell Alice my health problem for fear of maybe pushing her away. Or scared that she wouldn't agree to have a relationship with someone like me.

  Yes.

  I said relationship.

  I'd known Alice for about a month and I was starting to fall in love with her.

  Alice was beautiful, smart, nice and we had a lot in common.

  Nothing more natural for me to be interested in her, my hormones were at their peak. I was young, single and for me what we had was more than friendship, but the insecurity I felt was greater than my desire to get real, to tell her my feelings.

  Alice's friendship was so good that I was afraid to tell the truth and not only miss the chance to stay by her side, but also miss the opportunity to continue being her friend.

  Cliché, but real.

  For now, I wouldn't say anything.

  I changed my clothes, looked at my cell phone one more time, but decided to keep silent, I stuck it in my pants pocket and left the house towards the car.

  More appointments.

  More trips to clinics and hospitals.

  Another blood transfusion.

  Another hope that, who knows, good news about my treatment would finally emerge.

  Over the following days the routine repeated itself. I woke up early, had a quick breakfast, threw the books into my backpack and headed for the library.

  When I least realized it, a month had passed since I had moved to Mar de Areia.

  You think you'll never get used to something, but you get used to it. And I've really adapted. I still desperately wanted to return to Fortaleza, but living in Mar de Areia wasn't as bad as I imagined.

  Leonardo helped me to see a little color in all that. His company was extremely pleasant, his mood was contagious to me, and whenever I got home after an exhausting day, I couldn't wait for dawn again so that I could go back to the library to study.Or at least pretend to study.

  No!

  That's a lie.

  I did study, but not as many hours in a row as I intended.

  Yes... that was his fault.

  We'd become friends and every day, yes, every holy day, we'd talk. When he wasn't in the library, we'd talk with a message and the conversation never ended.

  It was amazing how much we had in common.

  We just... match.

  Meanwhile, I knew he was hiding something from me. Whenever I tried to ask him about his personal life, why he didn't study and live in a library, Leonardo would get suspicious.

  By that time of the championship I already knew he had some health problem, because it was visible to the eye. Besides the pallor on his skin, which was screaming, he was panting easily and couldn't walk much.

  The rare times we went out for a snack or a walk we had to walk slowly, otherwise he would get exhausted.

  And even after a month of our friendship, neither he would say what he had nor I had the courage to ask. In fact, it didn't really bother me, because I knew that the day he felt ready, he would tell. What really frightened me was perhaps the idea of finding out what it was.

  Ignorance was a blessing. Not knowing what was wrong with him was pretty much the same thing as there was nothing wrong with him. How could I care about something unknown to me?

  Not that I wasn't curious or instigated. But I wanted him to trust me enough to tell me willingly and spontaneously and not by some kind of pressure coming from me.

  That was it.

  I would respect his space.

  “Good morning, Alice,” one of the motorcycle taxi drivers greeted me when I showed up. He was sitting on his yellow motorcycle and his helmet was stuck in his right arm.

  “Good morning, Josivaldo,” I answered with a smile.

  “Don't you get tired of reading, miss?”

  “Never, but studying... Sometimes it feels like my brain is going to explode.”

  He smiled showing his yellowed teeth and I said goodbye entering the library.

  I waved to the two receptionists and went towards the table right next to one of the reading couches. That had already become my captive spot.

  Fortunately, or unfortunately, there were few people in the library. The place was empty, with the exception of a few students who occasionally showed up with their school uniforms from the town hall, but most of the time it was just me, the receptionists and him, Leonardo.

  Almost instinctively I looked at the couch he used to lie on, reading, but I didn't see him. I scanned the whole length of the reading room for him, but I couldn't find him. I began to walk the halls of the place waiting anxiously for me to find him looking for some other reading, but Leonardo always took his own books to read.

  Strange. Where did he go?

  He always warned me when he wouldn't show. I looked on my cell phone for any messages I might have missed, but there was nothing.

  Going back to the reading room, I looked at the couch again, but it was empty. I started to take the books out of my backpack and put them on the table to prepare myself for another day of study.

  I couldn't.

  After only half an hour I closed the books and snorted.

  I couldn't concentrate.

  I took the cell phone out of my pocket and sent him a message.

  Is something going on? Where are you? Answer me, I'm worried.

  I kept looking at the device, I realized that the messages had been sent, but when I saw that the last time Leonardo had gone online was four o'clock in the morning, I knew he wouldn't answer me.

  I was getting frustrated.

  I got up and went to the front desk and supported my elbows on the front desk.

  “Maria, how long have you known Leo?”

  “Let me see.” The small, slightly rounded receptionist began to squeeze her eyes looking into the memory for the answer to my question.

  “I guess since I was that size.” She indicated with her hand the height of a child. “He mus
t have been about four or five years old.”

  “Hmm... and...” I was wondering what his problem was. “Do you know why he didn't come here today?” I didn't think so. I didn't know if I should get so involved in something he probably didn't want me to know.

  “He went to Fortaleza, my darling,” Maria answered. “Dulcilene saw him leaving very early in the morning, I think it was still dawn.”

  “Dulcilene?” I asked her without the slightest idea of who she was.

  “My friend. She lives next door to Leozim,” she explained. “Then, as she's a gossip lady, she asked his mother what they were doing on the street so early. And she said they were going to Fortaleza.”

  “Ah! And what is he doing there?” Curiosity speaking louder by the minute.

  “Must have gone to see his doctor. What's the name again?” Her forehead wrinkled when she tried to remember. “I don't know what ‘gist’.”

  “Every doctor ends up with a gist, Maria!” Neide pronounced herself.” - gynecologist, neurologist, orthopedist... no... phew... orthopedist doesn't end with a gist.”

  I took a deep breath so as not to interrupt that discussion between the two of them, for fear that maybe they would get offended.

  “Then say the doctor's name, since you're all smart!” defied Maria.

  “I know he is a blood doctor.” Neide looked at Maria all outraged.

  “Hematologist?” I risked a guess.

  “Yes!” Maria answered excited. “I told you it ended in gist!” Neide just looked at her and shook her head rolling her eyes.

  “And what's he gonna do in a hematologist?” I asked before Maria could say anything more and the two of them would fight again.

  “Every two or three months he goes to treat his anemia,” Maria answered with a slightly discouraged voice.

  “Anemia?”

  “It's about three years, right, Neide? Or is it two?” She turned to another receptionist who agreed. Thank God they seemed to forget the fight seconds ago. “That's why he's so white and doesn't have a hint of color on his lips.”

  “Does he have anemia?” I asked again. A wave of relief went through my body.

  Anemia.

  Everyone has anemia. People have, or will have. Nothing that a good cup of beans or a plate of liver can't fix.