It´s All for You

by Tici Pontes

  “So he spends a lot of time in here,” Maria continued. “He can't be around a lot of people because his health is weak,” she explained.

  “That's why he prefers to stay here with the books,” Neide added.

  “I understand... And... does he take a long time when he travels?”

  “A few days,” she answered and a malicious smile appeared on her lips. “Is that longing, Miss Alice?”

  I felt my face warm.

  Leonardo was my friend, but also... He was so different from the boys I knew in Fortaleza. Usually 19, 20-year-olds just wanted to know about partying, teasing, drinking and all that stuff.

  Yeah, I loved that too, but something about Leonardo caught my attention.

  It was as if he was really there.

  You know what I mean?

  When we talked he really listened to me, looked into my eyes and absorbed every word I said.

  Cell phone?

  There was no such device when we were together. He wouldn't even look at the time. And whenever I was tempted to look at my social networks, or some message on telegram he would stop me.

  Five minutes you lose on Facebook is five minutes lost in a conversation with the person next to you, Alice.

  He used to philosophize.

  So yes.

  Leonardo caught my eye for that.

  All right, his beauty counted too. I'm not gonna be a hypocrite. No matter how pale his skin and often tired his expression was, Leonardo was a handsome young man.

  But he was much more than that.

  The moments we let go can never be experienced again, he always said.

  I looked at Mary who still faced me.

  “Ah... he's... different...” I tried to explain. “I like him, Maria, but I don't know if it's reciprocal.”

  “If reciprocity means spending all the time looking at you while you are immersed in your studies, then it is reciprocal, my child.”

  I lowered my eyes in shame and ecstatic at the same time.

  Was Leonardo really watching me study?

  My heart began to beat faster, imagining that he might like me too.

  With this thought I returned to my desk to continue pretending that I was studying. The truth was that my mind was only thinking about him.

  Yes...

  I was missing him.

  As soon as we arrived in Fortaleza, we went straight to the emergency room, where I would be hospitalized to perform a blood transfusion. Which I always did when the number of platelets in my blood was too low. Since they were responsible for helping my blood clotting, I was prone to bleeding if the level was below the limits.

  And they really were.

  And there was more.

  The blood tests showed that in addition to the platelets, my hemoglobin was also very low, which means I would need to transfuse blood and platelets.

  Everyone in the hospital already knew me and soon after I arrived I was referred to the doctor on duty who would do the paperwork for my admission. My hematologist was already aware of everything and would soon come to the hospital to evaluate me.

  And that was my life since the diagnosis.

  Coming and going to hospitals.

  Blood tests, transfusions and the long wait for effective treatment.

  It was tiring, especially for a young man of only 19 years old. People looked at me with pity, with the eyes of someone about to die. And I didn't want that.

  I took the cell phone to send a message to Alice, explain to her that I would spend a few days away, but I didn't have the courage.

  What if she started looking at me the same way as those people?

  Would she understand? I shrugged off the possibility that Alice might want to get away from me.

  “Leonardo, Leonardo...” My mother's voice sounded distant. “Is everything all right, my son? Are you feeling something?” She put her hand on my forehead and then ran her hand through my hair.

  I looked at her, then at the doctor in front of me and realized I' d been dreaming about me and Alice.

  Back to the reality of the doctor's office I stared at the doctor who looked at me with a serious face.

  “I'm sorry,” I stuttered “my head was in the clouds.”

  “So, Leonardo, as I was saying,” the man spoke looking at me as he typed on his computer. “We'll perform your hospitalization so that you can receive the blood, but the next day you can go home.”

  “I'm used to all this already, Doctor,” I answered inexpressibly, sounding drier than I intended.

  “Leonardo!” My mother caught my attention.

  “Don't worry, madam.” He shook his hand as if it didn't matter. “It can't be easy anyway, I understand you.”

  He shook his head in my direction and the silence began in the doctor's office, being interrupted only by the clicks of the computer keys which were pressed a little harder than usual.

  The bureaucracy will still kill many people, I thought as I watched the amount of paperwork that was needed for a simple blood transfusion: admission guide, doctor's prescription, blood authorization guide, consent form for blood transfusion, hemoglobin request sheet. I was already getting dizzy with so many papers.

  The printer spit out the papers and each one was carefully signed and rubber-stamped before they were organized, stapled and delivered to my mother.

  “Okay, it's all here. Take these papers to the nurse on duty and she'll arrange for hospitalization, bedding, those things.”

  I knew all that too, but I decided to keep quiet.

  As we walked towards the nursing station I felt the cell phone vibrating in my pants pocket. Looking at the screen Alice's name lit up and went out. I stared at her name for a few seconds and put the phone back in my pants.

  Not now, I thought embittered.

  I wasn't ready.

  It was hard for me all that week to decide when it would be the best time to accept Alice's calls and explain what was happening.

  With each new attempt she made to try to talk to me I became more insecure about telling her the truth. Especially since no one was supposed to know about it over the phone.

  She deserved more.

  Contrary to the doctor's prediction, I ended up staying four days. The day I was admitted I took two blood bags in addition to my platelets and the next day I repeated the tests, which continued to change.

  I needed another transfusion and one more day for further tests so that the doctors would finally be satisfied and let me go home. And since we were in Fortaleza my mother decided to stay for a few more days to visit my grandparents who lived there and rest a bit.

  On the fifth day I had not received any more calls from Alice, who decided to stay silent for the next two days. Although I understood her perfectly, I could not help feeling sad that she had "given up" so easily.

  I know it wasn't a very rational thought, but I was beginning to act more with feeling than with reason when it came to her.

  When I finally set foot in Mar de Areia the first thing I did was go to the library. Would she be there?

  For God's sake how much I missed her.

  I was greeted with celebration by Neide and Maria who filled me with hugs and commented that I was even a little bit more colorful — probably the effect of the transfusions I had performed.

  “Long time no see, boy,” Neide spoke and pointed to my face. “Do you have the flu?”

  “Oh, no. That's just protection,” I replied, pointing to the mask I was wearing. “It's just a precaution, really.”

  “Neide...”

  “She's in there studying,” Neide interrupted me before I could even ask her anything.

  “You two are great together, you know that?” Maria complemented me by pulling a smile together.

  “You think so?” I asked, trying not to look so excited when I really was.

  “Yes,” they answered in unison. “I can tell you two like each other.”

  With that in mind, I walked toward the reading room and sto
pped where I was when I saw her. I watched her study, that usual expression, and really realized that I was missing her so much.

  Her forehead wrinkled, indicating that she was probably studying one of the subjects that had difficulty, her lips slightly reddened making a tiny mouth that took a new smile from my lips.

  Yes...

  It was real.

  I was really in love with that girl.

  A week had passed and I still hadn't heard from Leonardo.

  He wouldn't answer my messages or take my calls. As much as I hated talking on the phone — I was a fan of text and audio messages — I insisted on calling his cell phone, but the calls rang until it fell into the message box.

  He was deliberately avoiding me.

  The messaging application hadn't been accessed since the day he disappeared either.

  By that time, the concern had given way to annoyance and after the fifth day of absence I was already too hurt to care. If he didn't want to fucking talk to me, fuck it, I wouldn't be like a fool after him anymore.

  I remembered Rafael, as he had also discarded me with the utmost ease and fought against the impulse to cry. It's ok that Leo and I had nothing, but we were friends. Why was he avoiding me?

  I kept thinking for days about the countless possibilities of the real reason Leo didn't want to talk to me and nothing came to my mind.

  Well, actually I couldn't help associating his disappearance with Neide and Maria's words about the anemia they said he had. But it was something so simple that it didn't justify so much mystery.

  Had something happened to him and was I being a witch because I thought he had abandoned me?

  No.

  That's impossible.

  If something had happened, the news would have run by now.

  The only alternative left was that he really ignored me of his own free will.

  So I was going to do the same.

  I was gonna leave him there, no matter how much it hurt.

  I'd move on with my life.

  I woke up early and repeated the routine I was used to. I automatically looked at Leo's contact.

  Stop it, Alice! But it was something inevitable.

  Every hour I stopped to see if he had sent me any messages and I was angry because there was no sign of life and even more angry because I had become angry.

  Confused?

  I know.

  But that was how he made me feel.

  Extremely confused.

  In a hell of a mood, I walked to the library to try to study something.

  I knew I wouldn't make it, but who cares!

  Whispering a 'good day', I walked away from the entrance and headed to my captive place. I spread the books around the table and started my day immersed in my studies.

  What the hell do I want to know what the fuck the chemosynthesis is for? I'm not a fucking bacteria, I snorted angry, because the study was stressing me out.

  The subject was stressing me out.

  Everything there was stressing me out.

  In fact, what was stressing me wasn't there, if it was there it would also be stressing me then, anyway.

  My day was under tremendous stress.

  Yeah, yeah.

  I get repetitive when I'm stressed...

  When I'm angry.

  “Argh!” I grunted louder than I intended.

  “Hey, tease!” a gentleman reading a newspaper a few steps from where I was complaining.

  “I'm sorry,” I mumbled.

  “Tough stuff?” a hoarse voice asked.

  When I heard that tone I automatically raised my head and couldn't believe what I was seeing.

  It was him.

  Standing in front of me.

  Leonardo wore a casual outfit, faded jeans, black T-shirt that made his skin even whiter and his face was partially covered by a mask, which allowed me to see only his dark, intense and somewhat apathetic eyes. His hair was messy and as weird as it looked I found him extremely attractive wearing that thing on his face.

  You're crazy, Alice.

  “Where... where have you been?” I asked without remembering how angry I'd felt about him leaving me in the dark. “I... I texted you, I called you, I asked you to talk to me...” The memory began to return and the sorrow I felt began to grow exponentially. “You left me in a hole for a week, Leonardo! That... you don't do that.” I didn't realize I' d raised my voice.

  “This is a library here, miss,” the gentleman who was reading the newspaper mumbled.

  “Don't tell me,” I replied with audacity. “I thought it was a coffee shop.” I made a face at the poor old man.

  “Alice!” This time it was Leonardo who spoke. “Why the kick[1]?”

  “Are you calling me a horse?” I growled.

  “What?” Leonardo stared at my reaction. “No...” He started shaking his head without believing my behavior. “Of course not, I never... You know I wouldn't call you that... I just... What's going on?”

  “You're going on,” I sentenced pointing the finger in his direction. “I thought we were friends, I... I cared about you. I texted you and you ignored me. In fact, not one message, several!” I accused him, staring at him firmly, without blinking. I threw myself on the couch trying not to cry in front of him.

  He kept looking at me thinking about what to say and we both turned our heads when the gentleman in the newspaper stood up complaining that the young people no longer respected reading spaces.

  We faced each other again, without saying anything, he sat down next to me and held my hand. They were cold, but firm.

  “I didn't know you'd be so upset about it, Alice.”

  It wasn't possible that he really thought that, was it?

  “Didn't you know that?” I laughed ironically. “You disappear for a week, you ignore me completely, and you think I would face it well?” I got angry again. “What world do you live in, Leonardo?”

  “I...” He stuttered.

  I what? Was it hard for you to say you were all right?” I spoke visibly hurt. “You... you're not an autotrophic being, Leonardo.” I remembered chemistry class, at least from what I could learn. “You're not self-sufficient.”

  Going against all expectations he gave a smile. Even with the mask on, I knew he was smiling because his eyes got tighter and his gaze shone.

  “What are you laughing at?” I snorted.

  “Your brilliance with biology.”

  “Chemistry...” I corrected him by crossing my arms.

  “That's biology,” he said. “Autotrophic beings are those who make their own food,” he explained.

  “By means of chemosynthesis,” I supplemented. “And I learned that in chemistry,” I responded voraciously.

  “And am I autotrophic, by any chance?”

  “Yes,” I mumbled. “Because you think you are the supreme being of self-sufficiency that doesn't need anyone and that you think all other beings are insignificant just because you can produce your precious little food through the damn light.”

  “Is that me?”

  “Yes!” I sustained his gaze.

  “Right,” he answered by staring at me. “I'm here thinking of an answer to that accusation, but I'm finding it difficult.”

  “It's a metaphor, Leo.” I stood up and walked away from him. “What I mean is, I cared, but that wasn't mutual. At no point did you worry about how I was gonna go without knowing how you were doing. I mean... your anemia got better, got worse?”

  Leonardo, who was already white, turned two shades paler when I quoted his anemia. He widened his eyes and stood up taking two steps towards me.

  “How did you...”

  “Maria told me that every three months you go to Fortaleza to treat your anemia,” I explained. “You could have told me. It's just an anemia, Leo. Why didn't you tell me?”

  His Adam's pome made a move up and down when he swallowed dry.

  Leonardo took the mask off his face, revealing a thin beard that made him extremely attractive.


  “I didn't know how you'd react and...” He looked down so he wouldn't stare at me. “I didn't want to worry you, Alice. You need to think about your studies and... and worrying about me isn't exactly concentrating.”

  “And you really thought that disappearing for a week without telling me would make me concentrate?” I put my hands on my waist in defiance.

  He moved his shoulders visibly disconcerted.

  “I just thought... I don't like to worry anyone.”

  “So you need to reconsider your methods so this doesn't happen. You're smarter than that, Leonardo.”

  Leo scratched his head, disconcerted.

  “I'm sorry again and please... Don't argue with me.”

  We sat on the couch again and he put his mask back on.

  “Why is that, anyway?” I asked him pointing at the object on his face.

  “Caution,” he spoke and I realized again that he was dodging.

  “Leo...” I took his hand and stared into his black eyes. “Why do you avoid talking about it? I know you're sick. And we're friends. Don't lie to me.”

  Leonardo got rid of my touch and pulled his body away by sitting on the other end of the couch. I felt he wanted to tell me something, but at the same time something made him not do it.

  It was as if he was afraid.

  Or something like that.

  “You...” I decided to take the initiative, because if it was up to him, I would never know anything. “It's not just anemia, is it?”

  He denied it with his head.

  “Is it something serious?”

  He agreed with his head.

  “Talk to me, Leo, I'm already getting nervous about all this mime. I've thought about all the sick stuff and you're just feeding my paranoia by acting like this. Is it cancer? You're gonna die, is that it? You find out you're not responding to treatment? That you only have six months to live? Is that it? Oh, my God, that's it, isn't it?”

  I wasn't breathing anymore.

  My muscles were tense.

  My eyes widened and I was afraid he'd shake his head again, confirming what I had just said.

  But...

  Leonardo threw his head back and started laughing loudly and out of control.

  I frowned at him without understanding anything at all about what was happening.