It´s All for You

by Tici Pontes

  I needed to talk to him.

  What?

  I had no idea, but I needed to tell him he wasn't alone.

  I got up with difficulty, put on the first outfit I picked up from the wardrobe and left the house.

  He wasn't gonna run away from me anymore.

  I honestly didn't care if they called the city guard, the police, an ambulance to take me to the madhouse, but I wouldn't put my foot away from Leonardo's door until he got his ass up from where he was sitting and came to see me.

  “I know you're in there, Antonio Leonardo,” I spoke loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear. “Yes, I know you hate your first name, but I'm going to start calling you Toinho in case you keep ignoring me. Or worse, how about if I call you Tonho?”

  We could already hear the buzz in the street, as the whole neighborhood came out of their houses to watch what was happening. How crazy was that girl who was knocking uncontrollably on that house door and screaming so that everyone could hear.

  Some were filming with their cell phones, others were just lying in the doors of the houses, their arms crossed, waiting for the end of the story.

  I kept knocking on the door until my hand hurt. The uncertainty grew more and more. Would he not answer? I was sure Leonardo was home, because... Well... Where would he go?

  But I wouldn't give up. If it was necessary to stand in front of his house all day, I would. Thank God it wasn't necessary, because two minutes later the door was opened, which almost made me crash into the house.

  “Is everything okay with your hand, or do we need to take an X-ray?” asked a voice full of sarcasm. Leo was standing in front of me, wearing a brown shorts, white T-shirt and the smell of soap emanating from his body. His hair was wet too.

  I stared at him as if I was hypnotized. He was... he was... beautiful. I shook my head trying to remember that I was angry and I blurted out the stupid expression on my face and frowned.

  “At last,” I complained by crossing my arms against my chest. “What took you so long to answer?”

  “Bath.” He pointed to his hair.

  “And you need all that time to take a bath?”

  “Well... ...you usually do, don't you?” Again I felt the sarcasm in his voice and this time he came with a half smile on his face. “At least if we really want to stay clean.”

  “Oh, Leo, don't play games with me,” I've cried, I've had enough of all that. “Yesterday you ran away from me like that coming out of the library and...”

  “I would never run away from you,” he interrupted me.

  For a moment only the buzz of the neighbors still watching us could be heard. I couldn't utter a word, even though my half-open mouth desperately wanted to get us out of that awkward silence. Leonardo looked at me seriously, his forehead a little frowned upon by a ray of sunshine that struck his face.

  I took a deep breath and forced myself to speak, or we would stay there for the rest of the day.

  “But... you did flee” My voice came out in a whisper. My eyes went to the ground, because I was afraid that if I kept staring at Leo's dark orbs, I would be invaded by tears.

  “I was running away from myself, Alice,” he said in a deep voice, squeezing his lips and taking my hand and wrapping it in his. “I was trying to suffocate within me what I feel when I'm on your side. So... that' s why I left.”

  My air was gone.

  I opened my mouth to answer, but what came out was just a weak, unintelligible moan. Leonardo's words hit me hard. Though they were uttered in a somewhat distressed manner they did me good. They were the certainty that he felt something for me.

  What I needed now was to make Leonardo see that there was no reason to run away from me or suffocate his feelings. After all, I wanted to stand by him, too.

  “Come in, Alice,” he said, taking my arm gently and guiding me into the house. “The neighbors are loving the real-life drama.”

  Leo's arms surrounded my body and we walked next to each other to the living room, which was combined with the kitchen, but quite spacious. A set of sofas, a coffee table and a rack containing a huge flat screen TV.

  “What do your parents do?” I asked curious. Still totally in shock at Leo's words.

  “Dad owns a school and my mom's a dentist.” With his hand at the base of my spine he guided me to the kitchen counter. I sat on a high bench and watched as he turned around and entered the kitchen to open the refrigerator and take out a jar containing an orange liquid that I suspected was juice.

  “Do you want some?”

  “I already had breakfast, thank you,” I answered politely.

  Leo poured himself a glass of juice with toast and also sat on one of the benches, we were separated only by the kitchen counter. He took a bite out of his toast and stared at me as he chewed.

  “What?” I asked.

  “You're beautiful, you know that?” He swallowed his toast and took a sip of the juice.

  Again, I didn't know what to say. Leonardo had this immense ability to leave me speechless. He had become a special friend and I could no longer deny that there was an attraction between us.

  At first I thought it was something that only came from me, but I realized that he also felt something.

  “I still don't understand why you left,” I spoke shyly.

  Leonardo took my hand and held it firmly. It was amazing how his touch was able to leave me completely alert. The body tightened and I began to feel my heart beating against my chest.

  “I'm afraid, Alice,” he answered in a whisper.

  “Of what?” I dared to ask.

  “I'm afraid I won't resist you,” he admitted with sorrow.

  His answer was fatal.

  My whole body was burning with emotion. I could no longer deny what I was feeling for him. My hand that was holding his was now wet with sweat. I wanted to jump over that counter and kiss him, but I remembered everything I'd read about his health problem and that was the only thing still holding me.

  I widened my eyes when Leo let go of my hand, got up, went around the counter and came towards me. I stood and waited for him to come closer.

  “What are you doing’?” I asked him when he held my hands and pulled me towards his body. “Leo... you can't... your health...”

  “Are you sick, Alice?” He held my chin with his hand making me look at him.

  “N-no,” I stuttered.

  “Then I guess that's a risk I'll have to take,” he spoke near my face, which made me feel his warm breath in my mouth. “I said I can't resist you,” he said in a hoarse whisper.

  He then wrapped my head with one of his hands and pulled me towards him.

  I felt Leo's mouth on mine, the taste of mango juice on his tongue, his lips sucking mine eagerly, but at the same time gently. My whole body softened and I began to feel lethargic. As if time was in slow motion and my senses could capture every sensation that was provided by that kiss.

  The movement of our tongues was soft and slow, his hand caressing my neck made the hair on my arm rise. My arms wrapped her neck while my hand felt the softness of his hair still wet. The world seemed to have stopped spinning. At that moment, it was just me and him. Nothing more.

  When the kiss ended, we were both panting.

  Him more than me.

  “I think it's best if we sit down.” I was still trying to catch my breath during our kiss.

  “G-good idea,” he answered, walking towards the sofa and taking a deep breath, trying to capture the air lost during our first kiss.

  “You shouldn't have done that, Leo,” I reprimanded him in a harsh voice. “You took a risk kissing me like that.” I felt my face warm with my own words.

  “You didn't like it?”

  “It's not that, Leo,” I spoke in embarrassment. - And you know very well what I mean.

  He gave me a playful smile, which disarmed me. How can I fight him that way?

  “I'll repeat what I said, Alice.” He framed my face with his hands and gently kissed my
lips. “I can't resist you anymore. I tried, I kept creating a thousand reasons to forget everything, I kept trying to come up with any and every excuse that would culminate in a good excuse not to be with you.” Leo took my face in his hands and kept his eyes fixed on me, who was completely hypnotized and couldn't even blink. “I even ran away from you, Alice.” He was now running his fingers through my hair, through my face, and I closed my eyes feeling his touch. “But as soon as you showed up at my door I realized that all the reasons in the world for not being with you are not enough. I need you.”

  I wasn't able to resist those words anymore.

  I didn't have the words to answer that. Did I like him? Of course I liked him. Was I completely attracted to him? I had no doubts about that. But my mind was so terrified of the articles I read on the internet about his illness that I couldn't think of the two of us as a couple in love.

  As much as I hated it, my head was thinking the worst.

  “Leo...” I started without really knowing what to talk about. “I-I... I did some intense research about your disease and...”

  Leonardo stood up and walked away from me before I could finish my thinking. He kept his back, not saying a word, which made me nervous.

  However, I didn't have the courage to break the silence that had formed between the two of us.

  “I'm not a disease, Alice,” he said on his back. “I'm much more than that.” He turned and stared at me. “That's why I didn't tell you anything. I didn't want you to see me just as a diagnosis.”

  His eyes were sad and he seemed disappointed with me.

  “Hey...” I got up and walked towards him. “I never saw you just as a diagnosis, but...” I took a deep breath. “I needed to know more. I needed to understand why...”

  “You started feeling sorry for me?” He interrupted me bitterly.

  I was trying to understand why he was behaving that way. To understand what was going on inside his mind. I could almost hear Leonardo's mind fighting the feelings that were invading him. I knew he liked me, it was more than clear now, but he too had run away twice. Then it was even clearer the dubiousness of feelings that he was experiencing. I wanted to help. But I had no idea how.

  However, he needed to know that I wanted to stay with him. I had no doubt about that.

  “I needed to know more, Leonardo, so that I could help you.” I stated firmly. “Stop playing the poor thing cuz this speech doesn't work with me,” I said rough. “This attitude of yours is very much like a Mexican soap opera and I hate this kind of dramatist.”

  He rolled his eyes, but let a half smile slip from his face.

  “And what will you do to help me?” asked me by pulling me close to him, and fitting me into his body. “How will you save me, Miss Alice?” He kissed the top of my head, but I realized that the tone of his voice had gotten serious.

  “I don't know yet, Leo, but one thing I do know for sure.” I held his body tight and raised my head to look into his eyes.

  “What thing?” He asked me, curious.

  “That at least you've saved me.”

  I nested my head in his chest and intensified the hug without any desire to get rid of that heat.

  Madness!

  Yes!

  It was crazy what was happening between me and Alice.

  What could be wrong with two young people in love surrendering to the passion that seemed to consume them?

  Nothing, right?

  Well, it all seemed wrong to me.

  I had an incurable disease that came with a package full of restrictions. My only chance of a cure was a bone marrow transplant.

  My whole family was scanned for a possible donation, even cousins in the thirties, but the answer was always no. Since I did not have a compatible relative, I ended up on the transplant list, but finding a compatible donor who was not from my family was very difficult. The chances of finding a donor among unknown people was one in a hundred thousand. That's right, one in a hundred thousand! So I did not have much hope, but at the same time I thought: what if they found this one out of one hundred thousand who could save me from this disease?

  With this I had an inner struggle between keeping hope of healing and conforming to a life full of limitations. I decided to do both. Keeping hope while not trying to create much expectation.

  So by the age of nineteen, I had already resigned myself to not dreaming out loud. Could I live many years? Yes, of course. But a life between coming and going to hospitals, dozens of blood transfusions and endless restrictions.

  How could I ask someone to accompany me in this miserable existence?

  How could I ask Alice to do that?

  I couldn't. But at the same time I wished I could.

  All these questions consumed me, but when I saw Alice, or rather when I heard Alice screaming uncontrollably at the door of my house, I realized that I could not resist her charms or her presence.

  However selfish I might sound, I needed Alice in my life.

  I was in love.

  It was already more than a consummate fact.

  And so was she. Yet I still needed to be responsible enough not to let our teenage passion overstep the bounds of reason.

  I still had a serious health problem and both she and I would need to go with caution in our relationship. We couldn't just dive in without thinking about the consequences.

  It was natural for her to want to stay by my side and think that she was ready to face anything that came, but the reality wasn't so beautiful.

  Okay, it seemed a little contradictory to tell her that I wasn't just an illness, but at the same time act as if the illness was the only thing in me, but...

  A war between reason and feeling was being fought in my chest and I was afraid that the only victim to be hurt in all this battle was Alice.

  “It's crazy what we're doing,” I said when I nested her in my lap. “It's crazy, but I can't get you away, I can't let you go.”

  We were sitting on the couch at my house, trying to watch something on TV.

  “I don't want to go.” She walked away from me a little bit, just enough to look me in the eye. “When I arrived in this town I thought my life had no meaning anymore,” she started talking, thoughtful. “I had left behind my home, my friends, a whole social circle and... in less than a month I met you and now... now I don't see myself leaving here anymore.”

  A glimmer of reason lit in my head and I realized what she had just said. I couldn't let her go, but... but I knew I'd need it when she passed the admissions.

  And now she was telling me she couldn't see herself leaving town anymore?

  Because of me?

  No.

  I couldn't let that happen.

  “You can't let your plans go because of me, Alice.” I got up bothered by her words. “You'll continue your studies, get into college next year and go back to Fortaleza,” I said it, seriously.

  “And who said I'm going to abandon everything?” spoke on the spur of the moment. “I-I'm just saying that if once I didn't like it here, now things have changed... I have you and...”

  “And when you need to get back there?” I asked without being so sure what I was getting at.

  “When the time comes, I'll come back, Leo. And we'll see how we do it,” she said it.

  I was supposed to be happy to hear Alice say that she hadn't given up on her plans to go to college, but at the same time she spoke with such conviction that she would go on with the idea of going back to Fortaleza that I was somehow afraid of losing her.

  “All right, I don't want you to change your plans because of me,” I said without much conviction. Actually, I didn't want her to change her plans because of me, but I didn't want to be easily discarded either. “How do you plan to do it when... well... when it's time to come back?”

  I looked at her apprehensive, afraid of the answer.

  “I don't know, Leo!” She gave me an impatient look. “We still have time to think about it and I can think of several options until
then. I just don't understand what you're getting at. It's like... it's like you're trying to put obstacles in the way of us being together.”

  Is that really what I was trying to do?

  Why couldn't I just do as she suggested?

  Seize the moment?

  Stand next to Alice, enjoy her company, her kisses, her presence until the moment she makes a decision about our future?

  Why couldn't I just do that?

  I ran my hand through my hair and looked up, trying to control the frustration I felt. Although she was there, beside me, a feeling of loneliness swallowed me up.

  Why was I making things so complicated?

  It seemed like I was even trying to sabotage myself.

  Sabotage both of us.

  But no. Everything I felt could be summed up in just one word.

  Fear.

  Fear of throwing myself head over heels and creating expectations beyond what I could bear.

  Fear of hurting her.

  Fear of living something so good by her side, so good, that I wouldn't learn to say goodbye when the time came.

  The good thing about not sticking to things is that it's easier to say goodbye. When you live daily with a serious and potentially fatal illness, you learn to deal with people in the knowledge that, from one hour to the next, everything can end and goodbye can come. We learn to accept the end.

  But when something new comes along, an overwhelming feeling invades us, it becomes difficult to rationalize it.

  And my biggest fear was that I couldn't bear the thought of leaving Alice.

  That's why I was so hesitant to bond with her.

  I was nineteen years old. I was in love and experiencing this feeling so common in adolescence and early adulthood.

  But eventually passion turns to love.

  And I realized something: the biggest fear I had... was... actually....

  Ending up loving Alice.

  When Leonardo and I finally decided to stay together and live one day after another things started to calm down and what happened next were the best days of my life.

  The beginning was not easy.

  I knew Leo was having a fight within himself, between the desire to accept our relationship as naturally as possible and the almost uncontrollable will to try to rationalize everything and list a thousand reasons not to be together.