It´s All for You

by Tici Pontes

  Sometimes he acted in a contradictory way, which was both sweet and frustrating.

  When I said that I was going to keep the plans to return to Fortaleza the following year he acted as if I was abandoning him, but if I said that I could look for faculties in the region he got angry, saying that he didn't want me to change my life plans because of him.

  Deep down I understood what he was feeling.

  It must have been harder for him than for me.

  Living with a chronic illness, which brings a lot of limitations, shouldn't be easy, but little by little both he and I were relaxing and finally we were able to enjoy every minute next to each other.

  That's how we were going to do it. Enjoy the moment next to each other. One thing we had learned was that life didn't always go the way we wanted. I never imagined myself living in a country town, he never imagined himself with a serious illness at 19.

  The plans we made went down the drain and so we agreed that the present would be our possibility. We were going to dance according to the music, row for the tide and follow Zeca Pagodinho's advice: let life lead us.

  And so we relaxed.

  Being next to Leonardo was easy. His hugs, his smile, his smell. Everything about him was intoxicating and made me want more, but I knew things wouldn't be that easy. No matter how hard we tried not to think about the disease, it was the disease that dominated our lives.

  We couldn't go anywhere because he had to avoid crowded places, we avoided any more intense activity and we had a lot of limitations.

  At the time his anemia was under control, he didn't have any more bleeding and we were able to even...

  Well... even make out a little more intensely, but...

  We couldn't make it any easier.

  Leonardo had a serious illness and he urgently needed something to save his life.

  A bone marrow.

  Yes, the only hope that Leo would get the much-needed cure was a bone marrow transplant.

  After we talked openly about Aplastic Anemia, he told me that his first attempt at treatment was the use of immunosuppressants.

  “At first they thought about BMT, because it is the treatment of choice, but they tested everyone in my family and no one was compatible with me,” he talked slowly while taking a sip of his orange juice.

  We had taken a break from our studies and reading and went to a snack bar near the library to eat something.

  We tried to keep up our routine, I mean my study routine, while trying to spend as much time together as possible.

  “I got it,” I talked by nodding my head up and down with a stupid expression in my eye. “But before you go on... what is BMT?”

  Leo's laughter echoed through the cafeteria and warmed my heart.

  “Sorry, my queen of hearts, BMT stands for Bone Marrow Transplant.”

  “Queen of hearts?” I arched my eyebrows.

  “Yeah... In ‘Alice in Wonderland,’ don't they have the queen of hearts?” He took my hands. “You're my queen of hearts.” Leo smiled and placed a kiss on them.

  “Are you calling me a big head, Leo?” I asked, putting my hand on my chest and pretending to be offended.

  “Big Head?” His expression was of surprise, but at the same time of concern.

  “Yes.” I tried to keep a stern look in my gaze, although the urge to laugh was overwhelming. “The queen of hearts in the movie is a big head, and since I'm from Ceará[2]...” I made a dramatic pause. “Are you calling me a big head, Leonardo?” I intensified my tone of voice and frowned upon an expression of anger.

  “I-I...” He started stuttering. “Of course not... I...” It was getting harder and harder not to laugh. “Alice... I'm from Ceará, too, you know. Calling you a bighead would be the same thing as calling me a bighead, are you crazy?”

  I couldn't take it anymore and I laughed. Leo looked at me with a mixture of relief that I wasn't offended and indignation that I fooled him.

  “Your face was priceless, love.” I was trying to hold back the tears that came into my eyes from the laughter.

  “L-love?” He stuttered. His eyes were wide open in an expression of surprise.

  My laughter ceased.

  It was the first time I referred to him as love. The silence fell on us. I felt momentarily unable to utter a word.

  He leaned over to face me and gave a half a smile that lit up the atmosphere.

  “Repeat,” he spoke in a hoarse whisper.

  But it was something impossible, as I no longer had any air in my lungs, such nervousness, mixed with shame and a good dose of emotion. At that moment I realized that I was already completely in love with him.

  “Now your face that is priceless, love,” he spoke still keeping that half smile full of charm. “Since when do you get so embarrassed that your face gets all red, Miss Alice?”

  Oh my God, I was going to have a heart attack right there.

  Was I flushed?

  How embarrassing!

  “Stop it, Leo!” I spoke in a sly voice. “We're getting out of focus. We were talking about your treatment, and suddenly you're leaving me completely out of it.”

  “Me?” He put both hands on his chest pretending to be offended. “You started it.”

  “Yeah, yeah.” I rolled my eyes back. “Now let's get back to the subject we were discussing?”

  “Let's get back to the subject we were discussing.” He straightened up in the chair and went on. “So... Since they haven't found any donors so far, I've done an immunosuppressive treatment, which is basically suppressing my immune system so my marrow can work properly.”

  “And what does your immune system have to do with that?” I forced my head to remember biology classes and what I had learned about the immune system was responsible for the body's defense against infections. I didn’t understand what the relationship was with bone marrow.

  “Apparently the immune system suppresses hematopoiesis, Lice,” he explained patiently.

  “Hemato what?” I asked, frowning. “I don't remember that in biology class.”

  “Hematopoiesis,” he repeated the difficult word. “It is the process of creating new blood cells, explaining in the simplest way possible. My defense system is dumb and prevents my marrow from producing cells that are part of the blood, did you get it?”

  “I think I did,” I answered still trying to assimilate so much information. “But... will that cure you?”

  He shook his head from side to side.

  “Only one thing can heal me, Lice,” he said in a sorry voice. Leonardo then faced the table.

  “A new marrow,” I answered for him, who only agreed with his head.

  I looked at him and held his hands, shaking them, saying without having to speak anything that he wasn't alone. Leonardo lifted his head, stared at me and gave me a weak smile.

  Leonardo was the optimism in person. He wouldn't let his illness shake his good mood, his routine, and his life. He always respected his limitations, but that didn't stop him from being happy. He was a phenomenal human being and every day he taught me a little bit about overcoming, fighting and hope.

  However, like every human being he had his moments of weakness and I knew that this was one of them.

  It shouldn't be easy for a nineteen-year-old boy to face the uncertainty of healing. The waiting must have been distressing, but now he had me.

  And together we would fight to the end.

  “Well, then let's fight, Leo,” I spoke in a lively tone. “We'll find you a new marrow.”

  “You can't find a bone marrow on the corner, Lice.” He forced a smile, but at the same time I could see some regret in his words.

  But I wouldn't let it bring me down.

  “Wait and see, Toinho Leonardo.” I turned around the table and placed a kiss on his cheek. “Wait and see.”

  I was determined to act.

  I still had no idea how, but I needed to do something to help Leo get that marrow. I woke up early, helped my mom with breakfast and before
I started doing a lot more research on bone marrow transplantation I played a little bit with my younger brother.

  I didn't know how I was going to help Leo and my hope was that the internet would help. After putting all the animal farm that Miguel had in the truck bucket that he had won from my mother and walking all over the house, I got tired of babysitting and delivered the two year package in my mother's arms.

  “I need to study, Mama.”

  “Come, Alice. Play with Miguel,” my brother asked me stretching his arms in my direction.

  “Later, little boy.” I messed up his hair with my hands.

  Before he started crying, I ran to my room and closed the door.

  Again I sat down in front of the computer and stared at the browser screen, not knowing where to start.

  The feeling of powerlessness took hold of me, as I knew I couldn't do much to help him, but I had to put it into my head that whatever little I could do would make a difference.

  I had to at least try.

  My phone vibrated on the computer table which caused my gaze to shift from the screen to the cell phone.

  It was him.

  You're not coming to the library today?

  I hadn't explained to Leo what I was going to do.

  Well, even I didn't know exactly what I was gonna do. With the cell phone in hand I typed in a generic answer so as not to arouse any kind of suspicion in him. For now, I wasn't gonna tell him anything.

  I'm doing some research on the computer, let's have a juice in the afternoon? I miss you.

  Don't forget me, shorty.

  Never!

  Leonardo had invented this new nickname and, to be honest, I thought it was a little cute. With a smile on my lips, a passionate look, I answered the message and left the phone aside, otherwise I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. I was really missing him.

  I had been with him for less than 24 hours, but I missed him so much. I was overcome with an avalanche of emotions as I imagined everything that could happen if he didn't get the donation. Meanwhile I refused to let myself be beaten by despair and wiped away the tears that had formed in anger.

  Nothing was going to happen to him. I wasn't going to let it.

  I felt the phone vibrate in my pocket and smiled with a new message.

  Testing

  I frowned, without understanding anything.

  What do you mean, testing?

  In less than five seconds Leonardo answered me.

  Go study, Alice!

  I just wanted to know if you'd watch every time your cell phone beeped and apparently I was right.

  I don't want to see you on facebook, telegram or instagram, understand? Go study!

  I smiled with the message.

  Okay, inspector, I'm going to study!

  I turned the attention back to the computer screen, the phone vibrated a few more times, but I knew it was him testing me. This time I resisted the temptation and left the phone aside. I needed to focus on what I was doing.

  First I needed to know how the transplant worked in order to, from then on, put together some strategy of how to help him to get a donor.

  I started doing a lot of research on bone marrow donation and how to become a donor. A smile formed on my face when I realized that it was easier than I imagined.

  I think I know what to do.

  I opened the text editing program and started typing quickly feeling an excitement growing inside me.

  It had to work.

  Thirty minutes later, when I finished, I reread the content of the text and smiled satisfied.

  Donate hope. Donate dreams. Donate life.

  Leonardo has nineteen years old and suffers from marrow aplasia, a disease that causes him not to produce cells responsible for blood elements.

  Only a bone marrow transplant can save his life.

  I would very much like to know if I can count on the City Hall of Mar de Areia to do a campaign for bone marrow donation, not only to save my boyfriend's life, but also to save the lives of hundreds of people all over Brazil who need a transplant.

  I would like to have the possibility of meeting with the Mayor so that we can talk about how we can mobilize the city and make everyone aware of the importance of this act of love, which is the donation.

  With my best regards,

  Alice Vasconcelos

  I pressed the button on the printer that started making the sounds already known when preparing a printout. When the device spat the paper, I held it in my hands satisfied.

  I put the letter in an envelope and left it on top of the computer keyboard while I was getting dressed.

  It had to work.

  The city hall wasn't far from my house and as I walked towards the city government building my heart leapt. The sun was at its height and it heated my scalp, but I wasn't going to let that heat from hell take my mood away.

  I was optimistic. It had to work.

  To get to the city hall I had to walk down the street from the library and as I walked along the well-known sidewalk I hurried up, afraid that I might bump into Leo.

  Until I was sure that my plans would work, I wouldn't say anything to him. It would be a surprise. Like the library, the building where the City Hall of Mar de Areia was located was an old building, reminiscent of the times of the empire.

  I looked at the old building, took a deep breath and walked towards it. A huge iron gate blocked the entrance and I had to make a bit of force to open it. Entering the place I went towards an information desk where a girl looked distractedly at her cell phone. Two people were sitting in matched chairs that were distributed throughout the waiting room and a cleaning lady ran a filthy towel over the floor.

  “Good morning,” I spoke in a lively tone.

  “Good morning,” the girl answered in a dragging voice.

  “My name is Alice and I would like to know how to deliver this here” I showed the letter I was holding in my hands “to the mayor.”

  The girl looked at me, then at the letter, then at me again.

  “All the letters must be handed over to the mayor's aide who analyses the material before forwarding it.”

  “Right...”

  I stood there looking at the girl who was no longer looking at me and had turned all her attention to her cell phone. I looked back and forth, hoping that maybe I could ask someone else, but only the cleaning lady was there, busy with her task of wiping the floor.

  I gave a hankie to get the attention of the woman who looked at me with an impatient countenance.

  “How do I find the mayor's aide?” I asked in the nicest possible way.

  “End of the corridor on the left, third door,” replied the employee pointing her arm towards a long corridor full of doors. Soon after, she turned her attention back to her cell phone.

  “Thank you,” I answered holding on so as not to speak a few good ones and breathed in relief. For a moment I thought I would not be able to deliver my letter.

  I walked slowly down the aisle, the nervousness taking over while an expectation that everything would work out grew in my chest.

  At the end of the hall I turned left and counted three doors.

  I took a deep breath and made three shy knocks.

  No response.

  I knocked a little harder and again I had no answer.

  I snorted.

  But I wasn't going to give up.

  I rested my hand on the knob and felt the cold from the metal spread on my arm. I hesitated a little, but then I turned it and felt the door click open.

  I just put my head inside afraid it had been too invasive and at the same time hoping that someone would actually receive my letter and forward it to the mayor of the city.

  “Good morning,” I stuttered toward the table where a young man was sitting, frenetically typing on the computer.

  He jolted when he heard my voice and stood up from his chair staring at me from behind the aviator-style glasses.

  “Good morning," he replied kindl
y. “I didn't hear you knock.”

  I entered the room which was relatively small. There were two office tables in a wood tone, a bit old, two equally old chairs. On one table was a desktop computer, one of those old ones, except for the monitor screen which was LCD and several stacked papers.

  At the table where the advisor was, the notebook was relatively new — at least in appearance — and the place was a little more organized.

  A yellowish, split-style air conditioner was right above the guy's place of work, and made a noise indicating he was in serious need of some kind of maintenance. A green bucket pared the drops of water falling from the air conditioner.

  “I've asked them to change this device a thousand times,” he said when he realized I was looking at the air conditioner. “Every time they fix it, it doesn't last a week to start dripping again.”

  “I'm sorry to barge in like this,” I said embarrassed, but decisive. “I-I knocked twice.”

  “No problem, no problem.” He went around the table and approached me.

  The guy was young, he shouldn't have been more than 30. He was thin, his hair was shaved, and he wore navy blue social pants and a white button shirt, with his sleeve folded down to his elbow, visibly wrinkled.

  He reached out his hand and I squeezed hard.

  I didn't want to be nervous, but the truth was that I was shaking inside.

  “Are you the mayor's aide?” I asked, trying to sound as natural as possible. The truth was that I thought he was too young to hold such a position.

  “In person,” he answered with a gentle smile. “What can I do for you?”

  “My name is Alice and... well... ...I was wondering if you could deliver this letter to the mayor. It's very important that he receive it.”

  I handed the envelope to him who took the letter, opened it unceremoniously and read what I had written.