Punkzilla

by Adam Rapp

  I ordered exactly what he did which was a single with cheese and a small Frosty. Kent got a salad too.

  After he put our order through he rolled up the window and said “No roughage huh?” and I said “I don’t roll like that” and he was like “You don’t ROLL like that?” Then I told him salad was for old people and he said “Tell that to your colon when you hit about thirty-seven.”

  While we were eating this song called “Gimme Shelter” by The Rolling Stones came on the radio. I’ve never been much of a Stones fan P but it sounded really good in the LeBaron. I think Kent had one of those high-end German systems called Blaupunkt that Fat Larkin used to talk about all the time. While we ate Kent sort of sang along to The Stones under his breath. I asked him if he liked The Stones and he said they were the best. He said he liked the Beatles too and then we didn’t speak for a while.

  Nebraska was really flat. There were like a hundred miles of fields on both sides. Fields with silos and farmhouses and big red rickety barns that seemed like they were leaning away from bad news. I thought Missouri was boring but Nebraska was like looking at some stupid painting of the land for three hours.

  I was about to fall asleep when Kent said “So what’s in Memphis anyway?” I told him you were there and he asked me if you were older or younger than me and I told him how you’re twenty-seven and I told him how Mom and the Major and E were in Cincinnati but how I’d been hanging out in Portland for the past six months. Kent sort of nodded and then he didn’t ask anymore questions. He didn’t give me the third degree about why I was hitchhiking or how come I wasn’t in school.

  By the time we got to Iowa Kent and I were getting along pretty well. We stopped for dinner at a Ponderosa outside of Des Moines and that’s when he asked me if I wanted to keep traveling with him. He said “So you sobered up yet?” and I told him I was cool and then he asked me why I drank and if I was bored with life and I said maybe a little and then he said he could turn me in so I asked him if he was a cop anyway and he went “A COP?” and sort of grunted.

  After the waitress brought us waters I asked him if he drank alcohol and he said “You’re damn right I do but I’m allowed to” and then he ordered a steak with a baked potato so I did too.

  I was totally biting his style P which is something I learned from Branson. If you copied him in any way he would be like “Stop bitin’ my style Zilla. Stop BITIN’!” Once I started wearing one sock pushed down on my left ankle because he was doing it and he stopped me from walking out of our room and made me pull it back up and called me a biting-ass bitch so I’ve tried not to bite anyone’s style since but I sort of couldn’t help it with Kent.

  After we ordered Kent pulled out a cell phone and made a call. He had an old ghetto BlackBerry like the kind with the wheel on the side. I think he called some skeezer because the first thing he said was “Hey Angel.” I tried to be polite and not listen. The conversation didn’t last very long and I distracted myself by watching the waitress talk to the cook. She was pretty young maybe like a college student and she had a decent face but she couldn’t stand still for more than three seconds and I thought that that would drive me crazy if she was my girl. I mean I’m nervous enough about shit especially lately and not being on my medication probably doesn’t help. The last thing I need is a skeezer with the heebie-jeebies.

  After Kent put his BlackBerry away he asked me if I liked being his travel partner and I told him it was okay and he said “It’s just okay?” so I admitted I liked it and then he asked me if I wanted to continue on with him through the rest of Iowa and Illinois. He even said that if things went well he might be able to get me all the way to Memphis. I told him I would pay him but he said I didn’t have to and then I asked him what he wanted in exchange for it and he said “Just be my partner. Watch my back” and I said okay and then he said “But no drinkin’” and I nodded and then he said “Unless I’m doin’ it” and we both laughed. It was the first time I had smiled in a while and it made my face feel really weird and tired.

  The next day he got a shave and a haircut at a barbershop in this town called Grinnell and he offered to pay for a haircut for me too. I was like “You think I need a haircut?” and he said “You LIKE lookin’ like that?” and I went “Lookin’ like what?” I thought he was going to say “Like a girl” but he didn’t instead he said “Like a punk” and then I said “But I am a punk” and I told him how in Portland they called me Punkzilla but he was like “You’re not in Portland anymore” so I got my hair cut really short like sort of a shaggy crew cut and now I’m blond again.

  When I was walking back to the LeBaron Kent said “There he is” and I liked when he said that P I have to admit that I liked it a lot.

  That night we stayed in a motel in eastern Iowa. I was so tired I fell asleep in the car and woke up while he was carrying me into our room. I looked up at him and he said “Just go to sleep” and I nodded and woke up the next morning in the opposite bed with my clothes on. He had taken my New Balances off and placed them at the foot of the bed.

  The best was the shower. I stayed in there for like a half hour. I used the motel soap and shampoo and Kent got me a toothbrush and some toothpaste. He told me to make sure to brush my teeth and that he didn’t want a travel partner with dog breath so I brushed the shit out of my teeth and looked at myself in the mirror at my short blond hair and then I checked to see if I had gotten my first pube but I hadn’t.

  That morning we drove across the Mississippi River into Illinois. I had no idea how big that river is P. You could see these boats in the distance. They looked like big floating birthday cakes. Man that area of the country seemed really old-fashioned like maybe they didn’t know about the Internet or like at any moment someone was going to start playing a banjo or something but I have to admit that I liked that feeling P. At least looking out on the Mississippi I did.

  As we were going over the bridge Kent said “So what do your parents do besides put up with you?” and I told him how the Major’s a retired Major in the army and how Mom is basically just a mom. He said “Being just a mom can be rough business” and I told him how she’s depressed and how I worry about her and he asked if I talked to her much and I said not lately and he suggested I give her a call and said I could use his cell phone so I took his ghetto BlackBerry and called home and after a few rings Mom answered. She was like “Hello?” but I couldn’t say anything. She said “Hello?” again and I felt like all the blood was leaving my stomach. I swallowed as hard as I could and then hung up and gave Kent his BlackBerry back. He said “No luck?” and I shook my head and then he asked me about the Major like if I got along with him and I said not really and then I told him how I got sent to Buckner and he asked me what I did to deserve that and I told him I basically screwed around too much and he was like “I gather you didn’t care for all the military stuff” and I said I didn’t and he said he didn’t blame me which was cool and then I asked him if he was ever in the military and he told me about how he got drafted for Vietnam but how he went up to Canada to hide and how he spent twelve years up there and then I asked him how old he was and he said “Older than you think” and I said “What are you like sixty-something?” and he said “I’m like for me to know and you to find out how about that?” and then he told me about how when he was my age he lived in Burlington Wisconsin and how his parents moved around a lot and how his dad was a tool-and-dye man and how his family had to go wherever his dad could get work and how he went to the first half of high school in Vermont and the other half in Clearwater Florida and how before he went up to Canada he’d spent a few years on a fishing boat up in Alaska.

  Then I asked him if he had any brothers or sisters and he said he had a sister Rita who had died five years ago from a stroke and then I asked him what he did for money and he said he mostly painted houses and drove around the country like he would drive peoples’ cars across the United States but he said the LeBaron was his and that he was on a thinking vacation.

  An
d then I asked him if he was married and he said he was but that she left him for some rich bastard and how the rich bastard left her for some teenager with big blue eyes. His ex-wife’s name was Marty which he said is short for Martina. Then he said they were planning on meeting up later and I was like “Word” and I was really looking forward to meeting her too P because I figured anyone he was involved with must be mad cool.

  While the radio station played a rock block of The Clash Kent looked over and asked me how my new haircut was treating me and I told him I liked it. After that most of Illinois was a blur like tons more fields and all these cows sort of standing around like men talking about money or something. The weird thing about cows P is that when it’s about to rain they huddle like they’re playing FOOTBALL or something! I was like “What are they doing?” and Kent said “Makin’ plans. They’ll prolly take over this godforsaken world at some point. The cows and the goats and all the other things we pump the hormones into. I’d trust them more than that fool who’s running things now” and he totally meant President Bush P. See you would have loved this guy!

  It rained for a while and I fell asleep sort of using the seat belt as a pillow and then we stopped to get gas in this little town on Route 31 called Geneva. We wound up staying in this little place called the Geneva Motel that was run by this married couple that looked like they just got out of the hospital.

  There were a bunch of Winnebagos in the parking lot and I thought it was weird how those people had a place to sleep in their Winnebagos but chose to stay in a motel. I figured their toilets were jacked up or something.

  Our room had two queen beds and cable and a kitchenette with a microwave oven and a coffeemaker.

  Later Kent’s ex-wife Marty came and met us for dinner. We went to this place called Isabella’s that had white tablecloths and mood music. Earlier when I was taking a nap Kent bought me a shirt with a collar and a pair of brown leather shoes. The shirt was blue with little buttons to keep the collar down. Mom would love this shirt P. Kent bought me a pair of pants too and the weird thing is that everything he got me fit perfectly like EXACTLY perfectly!

  He put a shirt with a collar on too and a pair of dark blue pants and we headed to the restaurant.

  When we got in the LeBaron he asked me if I liked swordfish and I told him I’d never had it but that’s what I ordered and it was mad tasty. Kent ordered the lamb chops and Marty ate some grilled vegetables. Marty was really tall and pretty with long brown hair and big brown eyes. Even though she was hot for her age she sort of had a sad look on her face like nothing worked out right in her life.

  When Kent introduced us he said “Marty this is my partner in crime Jamie. Jamie meet Marty the woman who broke my heart.”

  I put my hand out for her to shake and she took it and then she sort of bent down and kissed me on the cheek. She might have been six feet tall P I shit you not and I could tell she was a classy woman with nice manners.

  And I have to tell you this P because I would be lying if I didn’t. What happened was that when Marty kissed me on the cheek I got a boner and I had to sit with my legs crossed for like twenty minutes. I didn’t dare get up to use the bathroom or anything.

  They ordered a bottle of red wine and drank most of it. Man I wanted some even though I’m not no wino. Branson used to drink this stuff once in a while called Zima but that was some other kind of wine like it has 7-Up and baking soda in it or something.

  During dinner you could tell how Marty was still in love with Kent because he could make her laugh any time he wanted just by looking at her in a certain way.

  Things got sort of serious when Kent said “So whose heart are you breakin’ these days?” Marty said there was no one in her life and Kent was like “You mean they’re not beating down your door like they used to?” and she said they weren’t and then he told her she was prettier than ever. He was like “You’re prettier than ever Marty. I’m right ain’t I kid?” To Marty I said “Yeah you’re pretty” and she smiled and asked me how I fit into Kent’s life but before I could answer Kent said “Me and the boy go way back don’t we?” and I nodded and looked at Marty who was looking back at me with tears in her eyes and I started feeling tense for some reason. Then Marty said she was glad we found each other but it came out funny almost like she was jealous or something. P I had no idea what the fuck was going on.

  After we paid the check Kent gave me the keys to the LeBaron and walked Marty to her car and they had a long kiss and she totally like clung to him for a long time like when you throw a cat end-over-end into some curtains but Kent eventually pushed her off him and she got in her car and he shut her door for her.

  She drove a Mercedes P I shit you not like one of those really nice 380SLs. It was white and really clean.

  When Kent came back to the LeBaron he asked me if I wanted to drive and I told him I didn’t know how but he said he would teach me. I was like “What if we get caught?” and he said “What if what if what if. Too many what ifs will drive a man to church every Sunday.”

  He had me sit in front of the wheel and powered the seat up so I could see over the dashboard and told me about the accelerator and the brakes and told me the only way I was going to learn to drive right was by doing it and it was starting to get dark out so he turned the headlights on and I drove around the parking lot of the restaurant a few times and he totally showed me how to use the turn signal and the rearview mirror and the side mirror and made me test the brakes so I would know how hard I’d have to press down on them to make them work right. I was a nervous wreck P. I think my hands were shaking worse than the morning after I did that meth with Branson. I was trying hard to not be a pussy I really was.

  Just before I pulled out onto the main road this old man and his wife looked into the car. They were dressed up like they were about to go golfing. I think they were pretty freaked out because of how young I looked. Kent rolled the window down and told them he was teaching his son how to drive and the old man went “Go get’em Slim!” and then he and his wife both smiled and all of their false teeth sort of flashed white.

  Then I drove back to the Geneva Motel P I shit you not. It was one of the coolest feelings. I mean I know everyone learns how to drive at some point but I had no idea how awesome it is. The LeBaron was totally under my control. Branson would’ve been so amped and jealous at the same time!

  I imagine that you’re not driving so much these days P but you probably have to once in a while right to like get your cancer medicine from the pharmacy? Or maybe Jorge takes you? What’s cool is that now I can go get your medicine if you need me to P. I’ll totally do it it’s not a problem.

  The drive back to the Geneva Motel was slow going I’ll admit it. I had to really concentrate to not drift too close to the centerline. At one point Kent said “If you go any slower you’re liable to get pulled over” so I jacked it up to the speed limit and man my balls felt mad huge! On the radio some Zeppelin song was playing and even though I didn’t know the words I felt like I did. It even seemed like they wrote the song for ME.

  The next day Marty picked me up at the motel and took me to this weird amusement park in East Dundee Illinois called Santa’s Village. I was a little confused that Kent wasn’t in the room when I woke up but Marty said he would meet us later. She wore a green dress and sandals and she smelled good. I asked her what kind of perfume she used and she said it was called Vivian Westwood and that they didn’t make it anymore and that she only wore it on special occasions. Then she asked me if I liked it and I told her it smelled French and she looked at me and said there was cinnamon and orange blossom in it.

  What was weird P was that it sort of felt like I was going on a DATE with Marty and she’s like at least forty-something and really pretty and way out of my league. I mean she was all dressed up with lipstick and that fancy perfume.

  In her Mercedes she was quiet for a while and then sort of out of nowhere she asked if Kent was my dad. She said “So is Kent your daddy?” and I was
like “Did he tell you that?” and she said no but that she had this feeling that Kent and me had a secret. I said “We don’t have a secret” and she said we were cut from the same cloth and that we even had the same color eyes and I was like “We do? What color are they?” and she said they were hazel and I went “I don’t have hazel eyes” because I don’t P. Mom always told me they were blue and then Marty asked me if I had looked in the mirror lately and I told her I looked in the mirror all the time and she said “You got the biggest hazel eyes I think I’ve ever seen” and then I told her that Kent and I didn’t have a secret again and she got all weird and sad for like ten minutes.

  Then I asked her if she and Kent were married even though I knew they had been and she said they were married for ten years and I asked her if it was good and she went “For a while it was. But then again no one is ever completely happy in a marriage.” I asked her if they had kids and she said they almost did but they lost it and I said “Like at the grocery store?” and she said no that it died right after it was born and man that was shocking to hear P. Mad shocking. She said it only lived for a few hours and that it was a little boy and then I told her I was sorry and then she turned the radio on to an easy-listening station but this sad song was playing. It was this song about a house not being a home and a chair not being a chair so she turned it off and put some big-ass sunglasses on.

  After a few more miles I said “Kent said you left him for some rich dude” and she sort of scoffed and laughed and I was like “That’s not true?” and she said “He was more than just SOME RICH DUDE” and she went on to say how he also happened to be a wonderful person and I asked what his name was and she said Ben and she also said that Kent had an interesting way of cheapening things. Then I asked her if she regretted leaving Kent and she said she did and that sometimes people make mistakes but that she was never really sure if he was up for a serious commitment and how at heart Kent’s a journeyman and an adventurer and how most of the time when he’s with you his head is somewhere else. Then she said “He’ll wind up disappointing you too you’ll see.”