Punkzilla

by Adam Rapp

  That really pissed me off when she said that P but I didn’t say anything because of all that stuff about her son dying.

  Then she asked me if I had a girlfriend and I said no and she said not to worry that I would and I was like “I doubt it” and she asked me if I liked boys and I said “I don’t like boys!” and she said “It’s okay if you do” and I went “I totally like skeezers.” Then she told me I was a cutie and that I needed to give it some time and that I’d definitely break a few hearts before it was all over.

  She adjusted her sunglasses and I could see how she was crying because a tear sort of fell down her cheek.

  Then I asked her if she was still married to Ben even though I knew she wasn’t. I guess I wanted to see what she would say and she said that she wasn’t married to him anymore and I asked her why and she said because he left her and I asked her why again and she said this P she said “Because he didn’t find me compelling anymore” and I said “Does that mean pretty?” and she said “I suppose it could” and then I told her I thought she was compelling and she said thank you and then she held her breath for a second and said “The woman Ben is with now is very young and beautiful.”

  Before I got out of the car I flipped the driver’s side visor down and checked out my eyes and with my new haircut they did seem more hazel than blue. I could see what she was talking about in terms of how they were like Kent’s and I wondered if he’d noticed this too.

  We walked around Santa’s Village for a while and I think she was trying to pretend she was my mom or something because she kept holding my hand. There weren’t too many people there and that made it feel like something bad had gone down like a kid had an epileptic fit on the roller coaster or some killer bees attacked a group of fifth-graders. Marty bought me some cotton candy and it was weird P. She was treating me like I was seven or eight.

  When it got sort of hot and sunny she took out this sunblock stuff and put it all over her arms and face. She went “Here” and put some on my neck and told me I was fair.

  Her hand felt pretty good on me P. I couldn’t believe what I was thinking but I really had this weird urge to squeeze her breasts I really did! I would have been like “Hey Martina hook a brother up” but she was on some other trip with me and it was mad confusing.

  After she finished with the sunblock she kissed me on the cheek and then she asked me for a hug so I walked into her arms. I actually tried to walk right into her BREASTS and she pulled me close and smelled my hair.

  Then she said “Hey Mr. Magoo” and kissed the top of my head again and I said “Hey” back to her and she was like “Can you smell the orange blossom?” and I said I could and it was true P it was like a thousand orange blossoms were all around us and if there was any real chance of me putting my testicles on her breasticles that was it but I couldn’t do it.

  After the hug we went to the petting zoo and I wound up staring at this thing that looked like a cross between a sheep and a giraffe for like ten minutes. It had a face like it knew all sorts of shit about people and it seemed bored at the same time. I think it might have been a llama or some sort of desert camel. Marty said “Go ahead kiddo he’s not going to bite” and that’s when I turned to her and asked her where Kent was. I think it was the “kiddo” that pissed me off. She said he would be there soon so I just stared at the llama thing and it stared back at me.

  After the petting zoo Marty pulled out a digital camera and took a bunch of pictures of me standing under this huge statue of Santa. After like the ninth one she said “Smile for this one” because I wasn’t smiling for shit so I smiled but I thought I was going to be sick.

  At one point she stopped this man who worked there and asked him to take our picture together and she went to a knee and hugged me around the waist.

  After the pictures I asked her if we could go back to the motel. I told her I wasn’t feeling good and that I thought I was going to puke in my mouth so she pulled out her cell phone and left Kent a message and then we left Santa’s Village and headed back to the Geneva Motel.

  About halfway there she reached over and sort of petted my head. Her hand stopped at the lump where I got hit with the forty. She asked what it was from and I lied and told her I fell down and hit the corner of a table and she said “Poor thing” and sort of stroked it for a second and then I jerked away and she asked what was wrong and I said nothing was wrong and then she said I seemed funny and then I was like “You don’t even know me” and she said “But I’m enjoying GETTING to know you” and then I finally said it P I said “I’m not your son!” and man it was such a relief to say that.

  After it was quiet she said “I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel uncomfortable” and I was like “Just take me back to Kent and hurry the fuck up” and then she got pissed and said “There’s no need to swear” and I told her I’d swear if I wanted to and she started getting more pissed and said “Kent’s not who you think he is. He runs from everybody and everything” and I said “You left HIM you fucking skanky bitch” and then she stopped the car and slapped me across the face. I’m glad I had the seat belt on or I would have went through the windshield P. The tires really screeched to a halt like in the movies.

  The slap stung pretty bad so I punched her in the right breast. I punched her hard too P. She even started crying and her mouth got really ugly and she told me to get out so I started to undo my seat belt.

  She said “I won’t have some punk kid calling me names and attacking me in my own car!” Then I said “Fuck you” pretty loud and slammed the door and started to walk away down this busy street.

  Marty drove off pretty fast and I was glad I was out of her car. I mean it was a really nice Mercedes it was all leather on the inside and I’ll probably never ride in one of those again but that skeezer was fucking crazy.

  I wound up getting directions back to the Geneva Motel from this guy at a Marathon station. It was only a fifteen-minute walk and when I got back Kent wasn’t there so I sat down in front of our door and fell asleep and had this dream that you were swimming P. You and I were in this public pool together and we were the only ones there and I had a swimsuit on but you were wearing all these clothes like sweaters and scarves and brown corduroy pants and you were having a really hard time so I kept saying “Tread water bro. Just keep treading water.” You were laughing and making these dolphin noises. It was pretty funny but there was an ache in my chest.

  I woke to Kent shaking my shoulder. I was like “Where were you?” He said he had some business to take care of and that he was on his way to Santa’s Village when he got the call from Marty. He said “I understand you two got in a fight” but I didn’t say anything. I just sat there.

  Kent said “She’s not right in the head.”

  When we got inside he told me how after they lost the baby she had to go into this hospital for mental illness for six months and how they never got back on track after that.

  I asked him where he was and he said he went to go see Marty’s mother who lives at an old-folks home that was about ten minutes away. He said they were pretty close and that she wasn’t doing so hot and how Marty doesn’t speak to her anymore and how he likes to drop in and say hello when he’s passing through town. Then he said “We better hit the road huh?” I nodded and went to the bathroom while Kent paid the bill at the motel office.

  Back in the LeBaron Marty called Kent’s cell phone and asked to speak to me and I told him I didn’t want to talk to her and he told her that and he also told her that I was stubborn and then he listened to her for a minute and turned to me and said “She’s begging” and offered the phone so I took it.

  I was like “What?” and she said she was sorry for kicking me out of her car. I said “Okay” and then she said she was sorry she slapped me and that she wasn’t a bad person and I said “Okay” again and then she said “Please don’t hate me” and I said “I don’t” even though I pretty much did. Then I handed the phone back to Kent and he said good-bye to her and hung up an
d thanked me for talking to her and said that now she’ll be able to sleep at night.

  We drove for a while and listened to a Cubs game and Kent asked me if I played baseball and I told him I wasn’t good at sports and I asked him if he played and he said he did when he was a kid but that when he got older he could never hit a curve ball.

  In Joliet Illinois Kent brought this girl over to the Holiday Inn. She was really pale and had these light blue eyes and long wavy blond hair like the kind of hair you would want to paint if you were a painter but something seemed wrong with her like she moved slow or she was in pain. Kent called her Al but her name was Albertina and she wore a jean skirt and a PJ Harvey concert shirt. Remember how you used to listen to that PJ Harvey album Dry all the time P? Pretty cool right?

  At first I couldn’t tell what her and Kent’s relationship was because Albertina kept sitting in his lap and hugging him around the neck.

  “Hey Al” Kent kept saying. “Hey there now.”

  He was mad crazy about her P like his whole face lit up when they looked at each other.

  Later she said “Mom tried to e-mail you” and that’s when it was obvious that she was his daughter. He said “I never check that thing” and she said “I know. You owe me about fifty e-mails.”

  Then Kent pulled out a gold necklace with a locket and gave it to her and said “You like it?” and she smiled and said “Uh-huh” and turned it under the hotel lamp for a minute and then she put it on while he held her hair up. I watched her really hard P. She almost started crying she was so happy. Kent obviously meant a lot to her.

  Kent said “Put a picture of your sweetheart in it” but she was like “I don’t have a sweetheart” and he said “What about that soccer player kid?” and she said that he was in love with his soccer ball and that that was boring.

  Albertina was fourteen and was about to finish her freshman year at Joliet West High School. Kent couldn’t stop talking about how she was a straight-A student.

  “I got some Bs this year” she said. “Trig kicked my ass.”

  I have to admit that I was impressed P. It turns out that she also plays the cello and was about to travel to Springfield Illinois to audition for this special symphony for the exquisitely gifted but she has this thing called lupus that totally fucks with your joints and she was in the middle of what she called a flare-up.

  “Was it bad this time?” Kent asked and she said “It got bad yeah” and she started telling him how she’d been having a really hard time getting out of bed.

  “I have lupus” she told me right after that. “It’s messing my heart up too.” I just nodded and looked down.

  Then Kent asked her how her hands were and she said they were good and that lately it was her knees and hips that were aching the most.

  We ordered a pepperoni pizza from this place called Happy Joe’s and Kent went and got Cokes from down the hall. It was the first time me and Albertina were alone in the room. I asked her if she liked PJ Harvey and she said that she liked her old stuff mostly and that Uh Huh Her was pretty good too and then I tried not looking at her for a minute because she was starting to mad own my gaze like in a magnetic way and I didn’t want to sweat her too much.

  She asked me how I knew her dad and I told her I met him at a rest stop in Nebraska and she said “Were you resting?” and she said it sort of sexy and sly and we both smiled and then I told her how he was giving me a ride down to Memphis and she said “Cool.”

  After Kent came back we watched an episode of The Sopranos for a few minutes and then he said he needed to go spend some time with Albertina’s mother and he asked if he could leave us alone together and we both said “Sure” like at almost exactly the same time and then he left.

  A few minutes later Albertina said that her mom liked to see Kent alone and I asked what they did and she said they mostly just talked and that she thought her mom maybe gave him money too and how her stepdad Mark had some bowling league so it was cool and then I asked what her mom did and she said she was a dealer on this big gambling boat called Harrah’s and how she got someone to cover her shift so she could hang out with Kent. Then I asked her how long Kent and her mom were married and she said two years which was long enough to have her and then I asked why they broke up and she said she didn’t know that he just left one day and then she changed the subject and told me I had a nice face and I said thanks and then we didn’t talk for a while.

  On TV Tony Soprano was crying in his therapist’s office and he seemed way more like a pussy than a mafia boss.

  Halfway through the Sopranos Albertina asked me if I wanted to smoke some pot. She said not to worry and that it was legal because her doctor prescribed it.

  I said I would totally smoke pot with her so she went into the bathroom and wet a towel with warm water and came back and rolled a joint and we totally got stoned on her medical marijuana and exhaled into the wet towel which is a technique she’d obviously perfected from lots of practice. P it was such good weed it only took me one hit to get high.

  Before she took her second hit she told me that she could do the medical brownies thing too but how that gets boring. She said “I prefer rolling doobies.” P I think you were the last person I ever heard use the term doobie so that was cool.

  We spent about twenty minutes laughing really hard at The Sopranos because it seemed like they were all making these crazy faces like they would only ask you to join the mafia if you could make the same faces.

  I totally loved Albertina’s laugh. It was like hearing some special breed of bird for the first time. A bird like up in some huge tree in Africa or Paraguay.

  After The Sopranos Albertina grabbed the remote and turned the TV off and did this really cool thing which was this she touched my lips. She really touched them P I shit you not and then I touched her lips and she told me my lips were soft and I told her that her lips were softer and we wound up touching each others’ lips for like an hour and I am now convinced that lips are the most regal part of the body.

  After that we made out and she put my hand down her pants and I felt her for a while and then she put my finger in her and she started rubbing me and things were getting really intense. I couldn’t believe how fast it was all happening P but it felt right it really did!

  Then I took her PJ Harvey shirt off and her bra too even though it was hard to undo. She totally had to help me I’ll admit it and then she took my hoodie off and then my shirt and we were both naked from the waist up and then we just started laughing again.

  “I love how white you are!” I heard myself telling her. Man I was high and it was such a beautiful thing P. I mean her breasts were sort of small but they were so PERFECT like they should be put in a museum or something!

  Then she told me my nipples were like little stars and we laughed for like ten more minutes.

  After our laughter died she asked me if I wanted to do it and that’s when I got really quiet. She was like “What?” and then I told her I was a virgin and she said she was too and I said “You are?” and she said “Yeah but what the hell right? I figure I got this stupid disease and my heart sucks and I don’t know how much longer I’ll be around.”

  Then I said that was cool but that I didn’t have a condom and she said she would call the front desk and that’s exactly what she did P I shit you not she called the front desk and said “Can I please have a condom delivered to room 206? . . . Thank you” and a few minutes later this little woman with a green Holiday Inn shirt on knocked on the door and gave us a condom and Albertina tipped her a buck and then we turned the lights out and took our underwear off and sort of eased into the bed like we were easing into warm water and then she put the condom on me and started to feel me more and I told her how I didn’t have any pubic hair yet and she was like “Who needs pubic hair?”

  My boner was bigger than ever P. I mean I have no idea what it was in terms of inches but in my mind it was huge.

  After a minute she lay back and I put it in her really slow at f
irst and then a little faster. Man I was epically excited and I started to even make these noises sort of like baaing or mooing or something. She looked so beautiful with her eyes closed P. She was mad beautiful. I wish I could draw because I would draw it for you.

  I really felt like I was making love to her and I know that’s a weird thing to say because of my age but it was really like that for me. She couldn’t move around so much and we had to stop a few times so she could get into a more comfortable position because her hips were aching from her lupus but once we got a rhythm going it was like nothing I’ve ever felt before.

  We stayed up all night and I brushed her hair with this special hairbrush she had in her purse and I took some of her hairs when she wasn’t looking. They were the ones that came out in the brush and I put them in a piece of Kleenex and then we sort of lay around for a while. I asked her if she wanted to turn the TV back on but she said no that she just wanted to lay there so that’s what we did. We just lay there and breathed and sort of looked at each other and sighed.

  I said “Albertina” just so I could hear her name out loud and then she said “Punkzilla” and then I told her my real name and she said that too but she told me she liked Punkzilla better. I asked her if I was any good meaning at sex and she said yeah that it was nice and then I asked her if she was bleeding and she said “No I’m fine” which meant that maybe she wasn’t a virgin which I have to admit hurt a little but I didn’t let it get to me too much. Then Albertina said “Let’s hug” which made me feel better so we hugged and fell asleep like that.

  I got up in the middle of the night to take a piss and she had put her PJ Harvey T-shirt back on but she was sleeping really deeply like way way down. I wanted to wake her and tell her I loved her but I was afraid P.