Diva Diaries

by Janine A. Morris

  Tony stayed that same night and they had a good time. They watched a movie, managed to have some good sex with her big belly in the way, talked a bit, and then fell asleep in each other’s arms. Dakota felt like Christopher Williams’ old song was playing, “Don’t wake me, I’m dreaming.” Even if only for the night, it was a dream come true. She knew some women dream of marriage, and of the living happily ever after part, and here she was, full of joy over just one night. She didn’t care if it was a pathetic dream—We don’t all have to shoot for the stars, she thought.

  82

  Sincerely, Ms. Moore

  Dear Omar,

  This is the third time this week that I cried myself to sleep. I toss and turn almost every night, and then there are nights like tonight when I just cry. I guess it’s guilt, but from what, I don’t know. You left me. And I tried—I tried for weeks to get you just to take my phone calls. You wouldn’t take my calls, you wouldn’t call me back. What was I supposed to do?

  I was hurt and scared—and alone. I was used to being with you. I didn’t know what to do with myself after a while. Every day that went by I was more and more confused. Jason was all I had, and looking at him reminded me of my fear of doing this all alone.

  Jayon has been my friend since I can remember—he was just doing what he has done for years, being a friend. I know you don’t want to hear that or believe that, but this time it just so happened you pushed me so far away, you pushed me to him. I didn’t expect to fall in love with him. I didn’t—I knew it was wrong that I found solace in him. I wasn’t expecting my life to change overnight, because trust me, had I known, I would’ve slowed down for a moment. Just a moment. To get my thoughts together, to prepare myself for the emotional roller coaster that I can’t seem to get off of.

  I know it doesn’t make it easier for you to deal with, but I’m happy with him. I know you don’t’t want to hear that, and it actually hurts to tell you. I know it’s the novelty of it all. I know you’re thinking with all our history, how could I give him credit for this past year? Some of the time I feel like I have been with him all this time. I know—that makes you hate me, and us, more. But in an innocent way, we had shared a relationship too. He was my friend—most of the time when you weren’t able to be. Now here we are separated, and it just feels natural to be with him.

  I was happily married in my own world. But in reality, I wasn’t happy. I settled and was too afraid to let go, even when the times were bad. It wasn’t’t right that when things weren’t going well, I’d run to him. I was supposed to have that feeling with you.

  I am almost ashamed of what has happened. I was supposed to be a faithful, happily married woman. I took pride in being the best damn wife in the world. Admitting that another man has my heart feels unacceptable. That’s why I cry. I cry because this is against everything I know. Everything I believe. I feel like I’m just as bad as every woman I’ve always looked down upon.

  At the same time, should I get back with you just to be unhappy? Now that I’ve tasted happiness again, going back seems impossible. Besides, you did it. If you’d never left me, I would never have explored. I would never have realized that I didn’t deserve the way you treated me. You couldn’t just appreciate that I was loyal to you and trying to do my best. You are the one who pushed me away. You pushed me to him. I know, you never thought I’d stray. Me, either—I am just as shocked. But it is the reality. I am gone. I am with Jayon, and I refuse to cry any more, for I did nothing wrong. These tears are for those days I was in pain because of something you did or didn’t do to me. Tears for when you left me. I shouldn’t be crying now that I am finally happy again.

  I will always love you.

  Sincerely,

  Jordan Moore

  She knew that when she signed her maiden name it would hurt his eyes to see. However, she needed to be clear that in her mind, she was a single woman. She didn’t use Jayon’s last name—that would have been something the spiteful Jordan would do, but she wasn’t being spiteful. In fact, Jordan felt no pleasure whatsoever in having Omar ask her to come back. She was actually displeased. She had spent all of her adult life with him; she never wanted to hurt him, but he had pushed her to this point and there was nothing she could do but follow her heart.

  83

  Back to Reality

  It was good while it lasted. Chrasey could feel her and Keith’s attempts starting to fade. It was feeling more and more forced every day, and they were barely going through the motions. It was like he didn’t feel like putting on a front anymore, and she didn’t mind, ’cause she was getting tired of playing along. Love and affection isn’t something you can force, and when you do, you can feel the difference from the real stuff. She knew she and Keith still loved each other, but neither of them felt mushy and emotional about their marriage. The fact that they were trying to stick together despite their issues wasn’t romantic and sweet, it was comfort and convenience. It was a lot easier to stick with what they had than try to go rearranging stuff. Chrasey didn’t feel that they were so badly off that it was worth affecting their children’s lives. She knew that was her main reason for sticking it out, and Keith probably knew it was true what they say—it’s cheaper to keep her.

  He was still coming home at a decent time most nights, and they were still eating together and sleeping in their bed. It was just that those nights didn’t feel genuine. She would tell him he could go downstairs and watch television alone, because she knew that’s what he really wanted to do. She didn’t want them not to be able to be themselves. She appreciated his effort, but she was losing the feeling that she actually didn’t mind. She didn’t want him to have to eat with them or sleep with her, either, but she knew it was only a matter of time before he started that back on his own. Most of those nights became fewer and fewer over time. It went from seven nights a week to six, and six to five, and four to three. Now it was about three or four times a week when Keith was the ideal husband. That was more than enough for her—she was used to no nights, and that was just a few months ago.

  It had become nerve-wracking trying to keep an eye on Keith. One night he came home and she swore he was on the phone with Lourdes. He was talking very softly, and she noticed he was being very short with the person. He wasn’t saying too much, and he looked a little nervous. She walked in and out of the living room a few times just to see what he would do; he tried to remain natural, but it still looked like he was made uncomfortable by her presence. She was in the kitchen cooking but she was paying more attention to him than the food. He realized that after a while, but she figured he didn’t want to be obvious and hang up. She was trying to hear the conversation and she couldn’t, and it was getting her even more frustrated. She didn’t want to go in there breaking, making him hang up, because then she would never be able to get any information. That was until she got tired of struggling, and she went in the living room and sat down right beside him. He still didn’t hang up. He gave a few yeah’s and uh-huh’s, but he didn’t say much else. Chrasey shot him a few dirty looks, but she waited it out because she knew eventually he would break.

  After a few more minutes he looked over at her, and he said, “Yeah, she is sitting right here.” She almost saw red. She thought to herself, Is he that bold? Would he really acknowledge her and think she would acknowledge Lourdes as if their phone call was acceptable? Just as she was giving him a look of fury and confusion, he handed her the phone and said, “My mother wants to talk to you.” It was a bit of relief, but also anger from what she had concocted in her head. She spoke to his mother and heard a speech she assumed was similar to the one she was giving Keith. Basically saying what they had to do to keep their marriage together. No wonder Keith was being short—he didn’t want to hear her lecture; she barely did. She was able to imagine a whole conversation and misinterpret his every facial expression and word, and until she was proven wrong, she was convinced he was up to no good. How does a man beat that? Women are so eager to be detectives—they will
make a crime scene out of anything.

  So after she put her Nancy Drew clue book away that night, she tried to make herself give Keith a little credit. She knew he wasn’t trying as hard to please her, and he wasn’t up under her trying to make her feel comfortable that he wasn’t still talking to that woman, but how long could she have really expected that to last, she wondered. Just because he wasn’t trying to get a husband-of-the-year award anymore didn’t mean he didn’t deserve some credit for choosing his family. Some men would never have come back, some would have let Lourdes take them away from their wives; at least Keith was willing to give their marriage a try. For that he deserved credit and at least some trust. She should feel a little more confident than she had been. He did choose me, she told herself.

  84

  Playing House

  Tony had been over almost every night this week. He didn’t come over on Tuesday night or Friday night, but he was there every other. Dakota wasn’t sure if he was just putting his night life and other female companions on hold, but he seemed to be really committed to being there for her. She was almost sure the nights he wasn’t there he was at Jonelle’s, because on those nights she had a hard time getting hold of him. He wouldn’t answer, then he would call her back an hour or so later. It had only been two weeks, but she was surprised that things had gone so smoothly.

  They hadn’t had any fights; he had been very respectful of her feelings and her sporadic emotional outbursts. He knew it was hormonal, and he really tried to refrain from getting upset with Dakota. He went out and got stuff for her when she had cravings, and he would get her food from the kitchen all day. She had severe cravings for Twix candy bars, and Tony would buy them for her like six at a time. He was really being the ideal father-to-be, and she no longer had any regrets about having a child with him.

  Some nights when they would go to bed, he would lay his head on her big, round stomach and rub it while he listened. It seemed like he was really happy to have a baby on the way. Dakota had found out a few weeks earlier that it was a boy, and she assumed that’s what got him psyched. He had a girl, and having a boy is every man’s dream. She was so happy that she wasn’t having another girl—that would only make her child second to Jonelle’s daughter. Now that she was having a boy, Tony would love her child just as much if not more than hers, and she didn’t have to worry about Jonelle and her child being treated second-best. She wondered if that had to do with him actually semi-moving in, that he felt a new excitement about the baby. She didn’t care about the reason—she was just happy that he was genuinely thrilled, and she was, too.

  She saw little behavioral patterns with Tony that made it obvious he had some things to hide. He kept his phone on silent—she barely ever heard it ring. Then when he did answer it or make a call, he wouldn’t be around her—he would use the phone in the next room. Sometimes his runs were a lot longer than they should have been, and he would come back with a different car than he’d left with. He was definitely juggling some stuff, but she tried to act oblivious to it all. She tried to understand that he was a man, and the average man couldn’t avoid temptations; of course, a man of Tony’s status would have an even harder time. Females are scandalous—some of them would do anything to have one night with Tony. Plus, Dakota figured most of what he was hiding involved Jonelle, anyway, so she tried to give him some room with it. Hopefully this was just while he adjusted, and soon he wouldn’t have to be so secretive. At least he was trying to step up to the plate and handle his responsibility.

  In the back of Dakota’s mind she was hoping that she would be the survivor. That she would be the one that got Tony all to herself. She was hoping to make Jonelle the baby mother, and she would become the special one. She knew having his son would help, but she had a ways more to go before that was obtainable. She felt bad sometimes, being so trifling toward this girl; she was being that bitch that every girlfriend and wife hated. She didn’t feel too bad, though—Jonelle was not her girlfriend, and Dakota figured Jonelle’s man troubles were not her problem. Besides, Dakota would beat her ass if she even thought about coming to her with her problems. It’s fair game now—she was having his baby. She needed him just as much as Jonelle did. She and Dakota were in the same shoes—they both had a child of his now. So even if she had been the HBIC before, as far as she was concerned, may the best woman win. Dakota thought maybe it was foolish of her to think that way, maybe it was ghetto and childish, but until she had this baby and she could get some of the old Dakota back, foolish she was just going to have to be.

  85

  Reality

  It had been weeks, and Omar still hadn’t replied to Jordan’s letter. She called him once or twice to ask if he wanted to come see Jason, or wanted to discuss the letter, but he never answered her calls or returned them. On two different occasions, Jason would come home and tell her that his daddy came to see him at school. Other than that, there had been no trace of Omar. She was too embarrassed to call his mother to try to catch him, or pop up at his job and possibly cause a scene.

  His best friend Elton told her that he had been getting settled in his new apartment. She was tempted to get the address and just drop by—She thought about it once or twice. She never did ask Elton for it, but she knew he would give it to her, because he, more than anybody, wanted her and Omar to reconnect. He had been their Cupid ever since they started having problems, and although in the past his arrow worked wonders, he couldn’t quite fathom that this time he was shooting duds. So anything he could do to get them going in the right direction, he would, even if it meant getting Omar angry with him. He knew how stubborn Omar could be, and sometimes you have to show him what he needs. So even though she knew she could get it, she didn’t ask. She wasn’t ready to take any extreme measures, wasn’t ready for what might happen, and she knew if she backed him in a corner he would lash out at her. She had to wait until he was ready.

  She thought what bothered her the most was that he was hurting on the inside. Omar didn’t have any siblings, and although he had other family and friends, at the end of the day, she and Jason were all he really had. Although she knew he would be fine, her guilt kept beating her up for taking them away from him. As she sat on the edge of her empty bed that she was used to sharing with Omar, thinking about these things, tears just started to roll down her face.

  How did she get herself in this situation? All these years she had tried to be a faithful and decent wife, and here she was, doing what she’d tried to be the opposite of. Everyone can justify their actions, and why they leave their spouses—how was she any better. She began to sob, and she didn’t want Jason to hear her and come in her room asking questions, so she quickly headed for the bathroom.

  She turned on the faucet to splash cold water on her face, but instead she sat on the toilet and sobbed some more. She had to let it out. It was a pain deep down inside of her; it felt like a pit way down in her soul, and she could actually feel it. There was nothing like a feeling of guilt, or at least nothing she had ever experienced. She was convinced that guilt and regret were the two worst feelings a human can ever experience, because all you have is yourself to beat up and blame.

  On one hand, she was thankful that she was able to have Jayon in her life. Thankful that she was able to find happiness again, that there would be life after Omar. On the other hand, she knew that Omar had been her life, all of her adult life. She didn’t understand why her heart was so made up and her mind was so confused. When she tried to even imagine being with Omar again, it didn’t feel right. It was like her heart had given up on him. She still cared about him, and she still loved him, but she didn’t want to belong to him anymore. Her heart had truly jumped a new beat for Jayon. She woke up and went to bed thinking about Jayon—she wanted to be with him every minute of the day, and she was so happy with all of the possibilities that lay ahead for her and him. Her mind was clear, though—it knew very distinctly what she was doing was wrong. It knew that these were just untamed temptations and sh
e needed to get a grip, but she couldn’t. She had fallen in love again, and how do you tame that? It was a crazy feeling to feel guilty about being happy.

  She was sitting on the toilet seat leaning over holding her stomach. She was trying to embrace herself, in hopes of comforting herself because nobody else could. Nobody could tell her what they thought, and nobody could hold her and make her feel better. Not even Jayon, because although she believed he was sincere, she knew his perspective was biased. Everybody she knew had an opinion about this, so they had chosen either to tell her how disgraceful she was or pretend they were on her side and understood. Even those who really did understand and thought she was right, they knew she was being hypocritical; it was still everything she’d said she would never do. So no matter how she sliced it, she was alone with this.

  Just the thought of Omar sitting at home in his apartment without her hurt her. The thought of him missing her, or even weeping a tear, hurt her. She felt selfish—she was putting herself first, and she didn’t want to be that way. Still, she knew if she worked it out with Omar, that wouldn’t be right, either, because she wouldn’t be able to give her all or even what she had given before. Too much had changed. There would be too many broken hearts and unforgivable behavior. Even being torn between the two, she had no desire to be without either of them. If she could have it her way, she would have had Jayon as her man and Omar as her best friend, but she knew that Omar would never be willing to switch places with Jay. He would kill her or him before he did that.

  As the sobs began to slow down, she finally made her way to the cold water that had been running. She took a handful and wiped her face with it. The chill from the cold water made her lose her breath for a second and calm down. She used a handful or two more until she had completely soothed herself. She looked in her bathroom mirror—she looked a hot mess. Her eyes were bloodshot red and her face was slightly puffy.