Diva Diaries

by Janine A. Morris

  She made her way back to her bedroom and plopped herself down on the bed. She curled up with the pillow that she pulled from Omar’s side of the bed, and she just let her brain wander, assessing her situation. She wanted to come to a final decision about whether she was doing the right thing and cling to it regardless of what anyone said. The only way she could do that is if the decision was best for her. Not Omar, not Jayon, not her family, not Jason, not her friends, but her.

  86

  Guilt Trip

  Chrasey looked at Jordan and said, “You know you’re being a hypocrite.”

  Jordan let the steam from her tea tickle her nose before she took a tiny sip from her cup. Jordan and Chrasey had had a rough day at the office and met up for lunch for drinks and a bite to eat. They were in a small café on Twenty-third Street called The Diner. The name was as simple as the décor. The waitstaff wore jeans and white T-shirts with name tags, and they seemed to be understaffed. Although not Jordan’s normal preference, the food was delicious and made up for the lack of customer service.

  “This isn’t the same. Omar left me—I didn’t leave or cheat on him, and I never have,” she defended.

  “You were still married,” Chrasey replied.

  “Separated ... and as far as I knew, divorce papers were headed my way. I hadn’t heard from him in months. Me not being with him has nothing to do with Jayon—it’s Omar’s fault we are not together.”

  “What happened to, in a marriage you work things out?”

  “Exactly, but he doesn’t get that concept. I tried to tell him that—I left him that on his voice mail. I tried that, but you can’t work things out on your own. He left me without even explaining what the issue was, and let months go by. What he did was unacceptable, and even if I hadn’t ended up with Jayon I wouldn’t have wanted to get back together with him anyway,” Jordan said.

  “You sure?” Chrasey said.

  Jordan paused. No one had ever asked her that—they never asked if she was positive that she wouldn’t have forgiven Omar despite Jayon being in the picture. After deep thought, she replied, “I would probably have worked things out, actually. I would have settled. I would have just let it go and moved on for the sake of Jason, for the sake of our history, and out of fear of not knowing if I had a better option.”

  Chrasey just sipped her coffee and didn’t reply, allowing what Jordan had said to resonate. Jordan took a glance around the diner. They were at one of the six filled tables. Three tables had what looked like couples seated at them; another table had two men seated, possibly gay, and there was a table with what looked like two business associates meeting, and another had two old women. Life was funny. Looking at some of their facial expressions and body language, Jordan wondered what they were thinking, and what life was like for them. Were those couples in love with each other and elated to be spending those moments together? Or were they just settling because it was another person willing to spend that time with them? Were they just together out of convenience? Had they been in love at one point and were holding on to what little was left of their passion for one another? The cycle of love is a crazy and funny one. Almost every person in life experiences it, and yet there are no experts who can truly tell us how to beat it. Even Dr. Phil and Dr. Ruth struggle with the challenge.

  It was 1:10 on a Tuesday afternoon—Dakota couldn’t meet them for lunch because she was busy at work, and that was fine by Jordan because she needed the understanding and viewpoint of a married woman. You want to believe that the vows you make on that day will last forever. Your dreams of growing old together don’t feel unrealistic. The romance and affection feels like it will be endless. When you stand there at the altar, looking into your lover’s eyes, you want life together to last forever. Before God and your friends and family, you affirm your commitment to this person, with great hope that you two will stand the test of time. Talk of divorce rate and infidelity don’t matter to you, because what you have with this person is special, and those others who failed just didn’t have what you two have. You’re the most naive woman in the world on that day, and for most women, several months after. The day you wake up and realize that you, too, are on the verge of becoming a statistic is a rude, very rude, awakening.

  “But too bad for him—I realized that I did have a better option. I didn’t have to be treated like a cheating wife when I wasn’t. I was just trying to be successful for my son and for me and him. Some husbands are proud of their wives and their success. I was torn between Omar and my career for years. He made me feel like a terrible wife and mother. He could have been supportive of my career,” Jordan blurted out of nowhere.

  Chrasey didn’t say anything. She just looked at her, not knowing what Jordan wanted her to say.

  “I was supportive of his career. That damn restaurant of his kept him away from home more than I ever was. He almost missed seeing me give birth—I was always there for what mattered. He knew when I was in law school that I had goals; he obviously just hoped I didn’t reach them, and when I did he was too damn selfish to be happy for me,” Jordan continued.

  Before Chrasey could offer a rebuttal, Jordan added, “And I also realized I didn’t have to put up with a relationship where we fight every day. I didn’t have to accept him disappearing every time he had a freaking issue with me. He needed time then—well, dammit, he’s got it now.”

  All of that flew right off her tongue. It was frustration from being turned into the bad guy in this. It was her defense mode turned on towards a topic she had to defend to herself repeatedly.

  “You sure you have no regrets?” Chrasey said. “You seem very emotional over this. It’s like you’re trying to convince yourself more than me.”

  Jordan hated when people psychoanalyzed her, especially when they were right. She hated it because they forced her to think about things that she was either in denial about or knew were true but wanted to ignore. She felt like asking Chrasey, Who are you, Dr. Phil now? Instead she realized Chrasey was just being an honest friend and she should be thankful for that.

  “Chrasey, I’m not going to lie. This has been hard for me. The worst part is I feel guilty because I’m happy. How does someone get a taste of happiness and then give it up to be unhappy, all for the sake of someone else? When I used to hear spouses say or do things like that, I thought it was so selfish, and although in a way I still feel that is, now I understand. Sometimes you have to put yourself first,” Jordan said.

  “I was one of those people you thought were selfish. I tried to explain to you that Trevor gave me a sense of myself back, and I needed that. Keith had taken so much of my identity and my spirit, that when Trevor came along it wasn’t about just getting revenge on Keith, it was about getting from Trevor what Keith refused to give me. Trevor made me feel happy again, or as close to happy as I had felt in a long time,” Chrasey said.

  “I know, Chrasey, and I apologize for that. All I could think of was your kids and your marriage—not once did I think of you. Although I don’t condone infidelity, I can understand how Keith’s actions forced you to take those measures. These men have to understand that they can’t just take our love for granted,” Jordan said.

  “Thanks, Jordan, for understanding, even though it’s too late now,” Chrasey said with a little laugh.

  “Yeah, I know my timing is always perfect with these things. Just like I want to fall for Jayon only months after Omar and I split. No, it couldn’t wait a year or two so the world wouldn’t think I was having an affair with Jayon all along, I had to fall right away,” Jordan said, managing to find her humorous side in the midst of it all.

  “Well, Jordan, I know the relationship you and Jayon have has been magnetic from the day you guys met. He loves you and you love him—maybe that’s who God had in store for you all along. You and Omar have been arguing for fourteen years—it’s very possible that he wasn’t your soul mate and Jayon was. God does everything for a reason.”

  Just the thought of her and Jayon made Jorda
n blush. “Chrasey, he is so sweet. He is so calm and caring. He does the cutest things for me. When I come into the office in the morning, I have a fresh cup of coffee or my white chocolate milk on my desk with a croissant. He will leave me little notes on my screen or instant messages just saying sweet stuff. Yet with all of the attention, he knows how to balance it—he is not overbearing. He stays in his office for the most part to give me my space, then he goes about his day. I used to think it was to make sure it wasn’t obvious to our colleagues and staff, but they know already. He just wants to give me plenty of room. He comes by at night and we just watch movies and TV, play games, talk, do work, pretty much everything. He is just the best of both worlds—he is really my friend and my lover. But he has made it very clear to me if I wanted to get back with Omar, he would understand,” Jordan said, sounding embarrassed, like a teenager with a crush.

  “Do you take offense at that?” Chrasey asked.

  “No, because I truly feel that is the part of him that truly loves me. That’s my best friend in him. He just wants me to do what makes me happiest.”

  “And what is that, Jordan? Can you live with yourself if you choose Jayon?”

  Not prepared for all the scrutiny, Jordan answered fast without really thinking about it, almost defensively. “Yes, I can. Jason will still have a relationship with Omar. Jason adores Jayon and always has, so he is not uncomfortable with him,” Jordan said.

  Jordan then took a second to think. “Besides, Omar hurt me so bad with what he did, I could never let him that close to me again. So, the only logical option is to follow my heart. I can’t go with my mind and conscience this time around—they will lead me to worry about everyone but me, and I can safely say that I want to see where things go with Jayon,” she continued.

  “Safely say? ... Truly feel that is the part of him that truly loves me?” Chrasey asked, laughing. “Jayon must be putting it on you.”

  Jordan burst out laughing. They used to always say when one of them was open they would start talking that “sprung talk.” It had been too long for her to remember. “Good girls never tell,” she said, laughing.

  87

  Birds of a Feather Flock Together

  Chrasey couldn’t talk about Jordan or anybody else, for that matter. She was supposed to be working things out with her husband, but there were still remnants of her affair haunting her.

  One night she walked out of her job and she started to walk toward her car, which was parked up the street at a metered parking spot. She had been putting quarters in every two hours for the whole day, and she was running a little late, so she was hurrying so she wouldn’t get a ticket. Cops sometimes just scope the neighborhood for expired meters, and after all her efforts all day she would be pissed if she got one now. As she rushed toward the block her car was on, she noticed a black BMW parked right outside of her workplace. It was too far away to see who was in it, but it was the same model and make as an old friend of hers.

  Once she saw it and thought it could be him, she instantly became nervous. Butterflies were in her stomach, her breathing patterns changed, and she could feel herself getting sweaty. She anticipated him getting out of the car and walking up behind her or calling her name. She wanted to think he wasn’t still an issue, but he was. To see Trevor would probably make Chrasey weak again.

  He hadn’t really been in touch much. He called once or twice, but for the most part, what they shared had died. He was respectful of her request, but he made it clear that he was giving her some time to think. She imagined him popping up at her job, just because he was that kind of sweet guy that would relive the first time they met over and over. She just hadn’t imagined it today. So as she continued to walk to her car, she kept glancing over her shoulder. The car was just sitting there and no one was getting out. She started to wonder if it wasn’t Trevor, but what a coincidence that would be.

  By the time she got to her car, there was still no activity from the BMW. Then she realized what a fool she was, because she was hoping that was Trevor and it wasn’t. She had to laugh at herself. Here she was, trying to get prepared for his attempt to see her, and he was somewhere probably not even thinking about her. She had been trying to fool herself. She wanted to see Trevor just as much as she thought Trevor wanted to see her.

  She just couldn’t pull off without seeing if that was Trevor. She figured maybe he didn’t get out of the car because he got scared or maybe he just wanted to see her but he wasn’t trying to bother her. That would be considered some form of stalking, but flattering nonetheless. She had wanted Trevor to call or show up. For a second she didn’t want to check so that if it wasn’t him, at least she could have walked away with the thought that it possibly was. Instead she drove by anyway, and as she reached the side of the car she glanced in. There was a woman sitting there on her cell phone. Maybe she was waiting on someone or was lost, whatever—Chrasey didn’t care. It wasn’t Trevor.

  88

  Wires Crossed

  Dakota and Tony had just come back from dinner, and she was ready to just pass out in the bed. Her stomach was stuffed, and not from the baby, from the food. They’d gone to the Shark Bar and had eaten steak and potatoes, macaroni and cheese, yams, all that good soul food. Tony just felt like some soul food, and Dakota wasn’t up for cooking. Once he knew not to ask her twice, he decided they would make a date of it and go out to eat. That was one of the beautiful things about living in the city—all the best places were all around her house. They didn’t have to travel far to go somewhere nice.

  When they got back, she lay flat on her back on the bed. Her stomach was too big to lie on it anymore. She was lying there, feeling restless, when Tony walked in the room. He was full, too, and it was late—they were both going to be asleep before long. They had a case of Niggeritous. He turned on the television and started watching football as he started to change out of his clothes to get in the shower. He took his pants and shirt off and put them on the chair and went in the bathroom with his boxers on.

  She lay there, too lazy to move. She did change the channel, though, turning to the TBS station to watch Sex in the City. She was lying there watching Samantha paint the town in her yellow minidress when she heard a slight noise from Tony’s pants pockets. She figured it was his cell phone and was going to mind her own business. She heard it some more, and still ignored it, continuing to watch the show. Carrie was having some big argument with Big and it was getting good. Then, about two minutes later, she heard it vibrating some more. Once again, she ignored it, although her curiousity was starting to surface. Then she heard another noise, and this time it was coming from the dresser. She looked up and Tony had put his cell phone, wallet, and keys on the dresser. So what was shaking in his pocket then? That was when she decided against minding her own business.

  She got up and waddled over to his pants pocket. At first she started not to check—she knew how invasive and insecure it was to go through his things. But then she went in his pocket anyway; she also knew how foolish it was to act blind to the obvious. She felt around and pulled out a blue cell phone. It was a different phone from the one she was used to seeing—the one she knew of was silver. She was confused for a second, but after a few moments it didn’t take much for her to figure it out. The ultimate player had two cell phones. One for the girls only, one that wifey doesn’t know about. She was no dummy—she was a player, too. Besides, she knew of several other players and high-profile clients of hers that did this same thing. To verify her suspicion, she proceeded to check the contacts in the blue phone. From A-Z, there was an array of female names. From Ashley, Briana, Claudette, Diandra, to Nicole, Meka, all the way to Quinece and Zane. Every single entry, excluding like six, were females. She then looked in the photos of the phone—she wasn’t sure what made her check that out, but she guessed she wanted as much information as possible. When she looked at the phone photos, all the pictures were of girls. Some girls in the club, some in his limos, some even in hotel rooms. Most of them wer
e scantily dressed and looked like they had just stepped off of a video shoot. Some were just the average scalawag that he probably met at a club. They all were assigned to a phone number—she guessed so he could remember who was who when they called or he called them.

  She was disgusted—he must have really been out there doing his thing. She knew he had some sort of black book, but this was at a totally different level. Then she had to ask herself, Was I just one of those girls gone wrong? She wasn’t supposed to be anything more than a chick in his second phone, and now he was trapped because of her big belly. She checked and her number was in the phone, and it was assigned a speed dial number. Oh whee for her—she was top ten of the 113 entries. She was so pissed that he would dare have her in there, she was ready to barge into the bathroom. First she needed to calm down and get her facts straight. She then took the silver phone off the dresser and checked it. The contacts had family and friends’ numbers, and a bunch of names she didn’t recognize. She was in that phone as well. Did I graduate to this phone, or was I always in both ? she wondered to herself. She looked in the pictures of the phone on the dresser and it had just a picture or two of his daughter.

  Just before she was figuring out what she would say to Tony when he came out of the bathroom, something told her to check the call history. She looked in his silver phone, and the missed call that had just come in was from Jonelle. Then she looked in his ho phone, and surprisingly, the missed call was from the same number. Jonelle knew about the phone? That didn’t make sense. If she knew about the phone, what was the secret? It couldn’t just be for Dakota. Was he telling the truth that he and Jonelle weren’t that serious? She heard the shower turn off, so real quickly, just for any future investigation, she dialed her cell phone with the ho phone so she would have the number in her caller ID. Then she jotted down Jonelle’s number and put both the ho phone and the silver phone on the dresser. She purposely didn’t put the blue phone back in his pocket. She wanted him to see it. She was ready for war.